Marlene Mckinnon was lovestruck. LIGHT struck, some may say.
A day after Marlene had been struck by lightning, Euphemia Potter visited her from her sickbed at St Mungo's hospital. It was an unfortunate occurrence, and NONE of her friends showed up. Not James, Not Sirius, Not Remus, Not Peter, Not Lily, Not Regulus, Not Mary, Not Pandora, and especially Not her ex-girlfriend Dorcas. Did they all hate her? That must be the case.
She told Euphemia this, close to tears. Euphemia was remarkably disappointed in her own son for not showing up for his friend. She would have to deal with him later. Maybe even limit his Regulus time. She always had hated that little bitch Regulus, far inferior to his older brother, Sirius. However, where were either of them now? When Marlene was here, close to death?
Her parents were also not there. They were dead. Marlene always kept a locket of her parents' faces close to her chest, but it had been struck and lost in the lightning. Some may speculate that this necklace was actually the conductive rod that attracted the lighting to her.
Speaking of attracted, Marlene batted her eyelashes seductively at the older woman looming above her deathbed. She had always joked to James that she would steal Euphemia away from him and Fleamont one day. But today, she wouldn’t have to. Fleamont was also struck by the lightning. But unfortunately, did not meet such a fortunate fate as Marlene!
“Don't do that little girl,” a nurse wailed from the hallway. “Sexual behaviors in Saint Mungo's are strictly prohibited.” The nurse was named Umbridge. She sucked. “Sexual pheromones endanger the patients!” (As it turns out, Umbridge just wanted Euphemia to herself).
“Avada-kedavra” said Euphemia, killing her on the spot. Marlene had never been so turned on in her life.
“You would do that for me?” she whispered breathlessly, looking up at her with doe eyes that have been said to rival that of an actual deer.
Euphemia blushed at the unwarranted attention from her conversation pal. “Of course I would,” she said. Marlene felt so appreciated in a way that she hadn’t since her parents died. She was sad about them for a second before she remembered that her lifelong crush was looking right at her.
“Wow” Marlene breathed. “Am I dreaming?”
“I can pinch you if you’d like,” Euphemia offered with a wink. She leaned down and grasped the soft flesh of Marlene’s elbow.
“Are we about to kiss right now?” Marlene asked.
“You tell me,” Euphemia said with a smirk, blinking rapidly.
“WAIT! STOP!” A voice shouted from the hall. It was Regulus…but…in a purple trench coat? With a fedora? “Don’t do this!” Regulus said in a rather whimsical voice. “Quiet up and listen down,” he said urgently, gesticulating wildly at the floor. “If you do this, my boyfriend will be VERY sad. His father JUST died, and you would already replace him with what? A hey mamas lesbian?”
“No! Regulus! It isn’t like that!” Marlene cried. “She’s my soulmate! You will never love James the way I love Effie, and James could never love someone who makes chocolate for a living!”
“You don’t know anything about love, little girl.” Regulus spat with velocity.
“I’m older than you, you chocolate-making twink! You can’t even sing!” At this, Marlene jumps out of her hospital bed and makes her way over to Regulus menacingly. They begin to sing the world renowned Glee cast rendition of Smooth Criminal by Micheal Jackson, dueted by Sebastian and Santana featuring two cellos in season 3, episode 11: Micheal.
“Annie, are you okay? Are you okay Annie?” Sung Marlene, dominating Regulus in typical lesbian vs. twink fashion. Regulus collapsed to the ground, overcome with Marlene’s singing ability, conceding his loss.
“You may have defeated me, but you will never defeat the 6 other evil exes!!!!” With that, a wave of water rushed into the room and dragged him away, his arms and legs flailing in the 2-foot water. Marlene grinned, satisfied with her fine work.
“Marlene.” She was fully absorbed in her mental montage of the sing-off and it took her a second to look up. She was overcome with a wave of joy when she looked up and saw that it was Effie that had spoken. “I was the one that called the wave on Regulus.”
Marlene flushed so much that her entire face was the color of her Daisy Rock Heartbreaker guitar (her prized possession). “How did you know it would work?”
“James could never stop talking about how he couldn’t swim,” Effie grinned.
Marlene gave a shy smile in return. “Now I know we’re about to kiss!”
“Perchance…” Effie walked out of the room, her devious little grin never faltering.
She peeked her head in one last time to say, “I’m sure we’ll be seeing each other again very soon” and gave a flirty little wave goodbye.
Marlene sighed wistfully, and murmured to herself, “...she can't just say perchance.”