The four boys were sitting in their dorm on a Friday night. It was a rare occasion that they had no parties to attend. None of them had any plans either, they were just ‘chilling’. Of course they were The Marauders, so they had a fun game planned.
“Moony, did you get it?” Sirius was grinning like a madman.
“I should have known better. You guys can’t be normal for one fucking night” Peter was chuckling as he tried to glare at the three other boys.
“Hey Wormy don’t look at me, I have no clue what these idiots are planning. But I am hurt, heartbroken even, that I was not included in these mischievous plans.” James let out a long dramatic sigh.
Sirius giggled under his breath “Moons give it to me.”
Remus gave Sirius a jar halfway filled with a clear liquid.
“This here is veritaserum.” He proudly held it above his head.
“No way, how did you even get that?” Peter was so curious he was leaning forward.
“Wormy, my secrets are sealed.” Sirius pretended to shut his mouth with a key.
“Um, do you think that is a bad idea?” James' face didn’t look concerned but his tone said everything.
“What James you got dirty little secrets?” Sirius was laughing loudly and James joined in with a nervous laugh.
“No I was more worried for you actually.” James said with a teasing smirk.
“Oi Fuck off!”
“All right lads, let's get this started.” Moony was smiling like a little devil.
The boys all took a sip of the potion. After they all realized they were on a truth serum they started to laugh a bit. It was supposed to be a fun night with embarrassing secrets spilled.
“All right, let's play truth or truth.” Sirius suggested to the group. All the boys nodded in agreement.
Remus sighed and started off the game, “Wormy, who do you have a crush on?”
“Come on, that question already? I guess I have to tell you because I literally can’t stop myself but do you guys know Emmeline Vance, she is a hufflepuff.”
“What no way I actually didn’t see that coming.”Sirius was a bit shocked but it passed just as it came.
“Maybe you should stop looking your boyfriend up and down every second of the day then.” James was smirking at him.
“Oh shove off you are jealous I am happily in love.” He was looking at Remus with puppy dog eyes. Remus shoved him playfully and gave him a smile.
“Alright Moony, did you ever snog any boys when you were in the muggle world?” James was smirking at Sirius who's smile suddenly dropped.
“Yeah, this guy named Grant in the summer before 4th year.” Remus shrugged his shoulders, determined to not look at Sirius. Siruis rolled his eyes and crossed his arms on his chest. Remus smiled and looked at him, “Aww Pads are you jealous?”
“No, I just don’t like Grant, he doesn't deserve my Moony.” He looked at Remus with a soft expression. Remus just smiled wider and laughed and Sirius' expression turned back to normal.
“Alright, if the two love birds are done can we move on?” Peter sighed with a dramatic huff.
“Yeah, yeah alright. Okay let's see, James?” Siruis turned his head toward James dramatically. “What is your deepest secret?”
“Pads you can’t just ask someone that on truth serum let alone your best friend.” Remus was trying to be reasonable but the question was already asked. James' face went pale and his eyes started to glisten in the light. The three other boys noticed and started to look nervous.
“Um I- I- Well- It’s- “ James was stuttering so much it looked painful for him to speak.
“James?” Sirius was starting to get worried.
“Well you see,” James dragged his legs towards his chest and dropped his head into them. He was trying to make himself disappear from the room. He answered back in a whisper. “I am not well and it's getting worse.” His voice cracked and tried to keep down a deep sob.
“James? What do you mean not well?” Remus was scared to where this conversation wasn going.
Slowly James looked up and tears were spilling out of his eyes. “I mean when you guys aren’t around everything just seems too much. I mean that I watch myself from far away and look at someone I don’t recognize. I have days where I feel invincible, but-” His voice cracked with the last word but he kept going, “I just get these thoughts and feelings and I try so hard to silence them but they come back every time.”
“What do you mean James, what happened?” Peter was looking at his friend worried and sad.
“I mean sometimes I forget that I have to be there for you guys when I get like that and bad things happen.” James buried his face into his knees and was shaking.
“I get bad panic attacks and I can’t help but feel guilty because I am supposed to be there for you guys and I don’t deserve to be sad when I have so much but it is like I just forget.”
“Sometimes I get so lost that I-,” he stopped suddenly and let out a violent sob with his shoulders shaking. He seems to lose his words for a couple seconds. His friends look at him with wide eyes and pained expressions. They wait for him to continue.
“I don’t want you guys to be mad.” James curled into himself even more.
“James” Siruis said in his softest voice possible. “We could never be mad at you. I promise whatever you did we can help.”
“It’s not fair to you guys though.” He whispered it as though if he spoke any louder Sirius would get mad.
“James, you don’t have to be there for everyone all the time. We can be there for you too.” Sirius was pleading him to understand this.
James stood up suddenly and turned towards his nightstand. The tears were still spilling out his eyes and they were bloodshot red. James opened the top draw and there was shuffling in it. The three friends watched with curiosity, wondering what was happening. James found what he was looking for and started back towards the circle of friends.
He threw a bunch of different things on the floor and started walking fast toward the door to leave the dorm. It took them a few seconds to see what they were looking at. In the pile of objects that scattered on the floor, there layed a silver blade, a couple of folded papers and two bottles of pills that were full and a bunch of empty ones.
Sirius picked up the blade carefully and tears were spilling out of his eyes. Remus started to gather the papers with confusion . Peter picked up the pills to inspect them.
The blade was a bit obvious and the most heartbreaking at first. The pills made sense too but they didn’t know what they were. The papers made the least amount of sense.
“These are sleeping pills and oh god-“ Peter looked at the other bottle in horror. “These are pain killers. Why would he need-“ Peter stopped realizing why James would use them. The bottles that were filled were about halfway done.
“I just don’t understand.” Sirius whispered and you could hear the pain in his voice. Peter and Siruis looked up when they heard “Oh”
Remus was scanning the papers in horror. The tears ran down and his shoulders shook as he threw down the papers. “I understand” he said it so loud it startled them.
The two other boys scrambled for the papers and started to read them. .
There were 5 letters. One for ‘Wormtail’, ‘Moony’, ‘Padfoot, ‘Mom’, and ‘Dad’.
In each of them James was declaring his love for them but it was just too hard to live like this. That his thoughts were just getting darker as the weeks went on.
Suddenly the pills, the letters, and the blade made sense. The earlier weeks where James smile never really seemed real. They noticed his grades dropping but the other three just thought it was a hard year.
It seemed that he was eating less. The blank stares that they sometimes caught.
As the confusion started to fade the realization that James left hit them. They all glanced up and started for the Map. Peter was the first to find his name on the map. He was at the astronomy tower and they started to run out of the dorm. As they made their way out of the common room and down the corridors they started to worry.
Why had James gone up there? Was he doing what they thought he was doing? There was too much evidence to prove otherwise.
The three boys rushed through the door and found James sobbing on the ground with his sleeves rolled up.
There were so many scars and scabs. There were fresh scars that were dripping red down his wrists. He looked scared looking down to see Remus holding the map. He wasn’t planning on being found and it was made clear to his three friends.
The fresh scars went up and down his arms so deep but it looked like he was just starting because there was only one on his right arm.
His friends rushed to his side and James laid his head on Sirius as Remus started to work on healing spells and charms.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want you guys to find out. I- I-“ James just kept repeating sorry sorry sorry as if it was going to make them go away.
Sirius had James wrapped in his arms, raking his hand through his hair and whispering in his ear about how “It’s okay” and “We will help you.” This didn’t seem to help because James sobs started to get louder and he started to shake even more.
“Please don’t tell anyone. Don’t get Madame Pomfrey.” He was pleading to them like a desperate child. “Don’t tell my parents.” He whispered as closing his eyes.
James sobs grew even louder but he wasn’t the only one. The three boys started to cry out louder but trying to muffle the sounds. Sirius was looking at James like he wanted to keep him in his arms forever. Peter was in shock and Remus was still fixing up his arms.
They saw the second blade right next to James and Peter picked it up. There was blood dripping down from it. He glared at it and went towards the edge of the tower and threw it down.
They all sat there surrounding James. They sat there until the cry’s got quieter and quieter and then it got silent. A long time passed.
James' head was buried into Sirius’s chest and slowly he turned his head to see his friends. The three of them looked at James with relief with their splotched red faces and puffy eyes.
James looked exhausted. They could finally see the dimness in his fake bright eyes. They never realized there was one until they realized what they needed to search for. For the first time in their 5 years of Hogwarts James was the broken one lying on the floor. He was the one that needed to be put back together. He was the one that needed help. He was the one that the three others were scared and worried for.
They all sat there staring at each other not knowing what to say. James was the one that was meant to be the one comforting the hurt one. James would know what to say to make it all better. But what was he supposed to say to himself?
Sirius was the first to break the silence. “James-“ His voice sounded raw and hurt. James grimaced and closed his eyes shut tightly.
Sirius let out a sigh and started again, “Why didn’t you say anything?”
There was a long pause and James finally spoke with a crack in his voice and his throat raw from crying out so loudly, “I didn’t want you guys to be mad.” It was such a simple statement with such a sad tone.
“James, we could never be mad at you for asking for help.” Remus spoke slowly and softly to not startle James.
“I just wish I was better. I have no reas-“ James was cut off by Sirius.
“James. Just- you don't have to pretend to be okay. No James let me finish.” James' mouth closed and he opened his eyes looking straight at Sirius. “You can always come to us no matter what. You know that right? I know you think you don’t deserve to ‘burden’ us or whatever but you aren’t. You don’t need an exact reason. You are sad and that is enough of a reason. You are hurt and you need help James. We can help you, your parents can help you. We are all here for you. You don’t always have to be the one to help us. We can help you too.” James just stared right at Sirius, unsure on what to say.
“James, we know you. We know you inside out so how did we not see this?” Peter was questioning with a guilty look.
“I didn’t want you guys to know so bad. I thought maybe it was just a phase?” He questioned himself
“A phase?” Remus was truly questioning. He asked in a soft voice, “If it was just a phase, why did you take the time to write out the letters?”
James shut his eyes again, “One time it went too far and I wanted to be prepared just in case.”
The silence was deafening.
“How long? How long has this been going on, these thoughts?” Remus was scared of the answer.
“Third year. But I didn’t write the letters until about 4 months ago when things got bad.”
“For two years?” Sirius wasn’t asking for an answer but James answered anyway.
“Yes.”
No one knew what to say after that. They slowly got comfortable on the floor of the tower and they were all cuddled together. They were all so tired but Remus decided that it was better that they didn’t sleep up here. They all slowly got up and made their ways back to the dorm.
They got ready for bed in silence and James laid in his bed.
Sirius made his way over towards James’ bed. He laid down and let James curl into him.
“James I love you but you have to tell your parents. You need help and you can’t get all of that from us.”
“I know. I already tried.”
“What?”
“I tried but I couldn’t get the words out.”
“James, I will help you. I promise.” Sirius started to play with James' hair trying to comfort him.
James started to cry again. Sirius felt the tears leak through his shirt as James buried himself into Sirius. Sirius held on tighter as the sobs got louder. Remus and Peter sat in the dark staring at James bed wondering how everything got so bad.
Soon James' breath evened out and soon he was lightly snoring. Sirius made sure James was asleep before he spoke, breaking the silence, “How could we not see? Looking back, we should have realized something wasn’t right.”
“He always played his best smile around us.” It was Remus realizing all the times he caught James not looking like himself for a split second until his face got caught in a smile.
“He was good at hiding it.” Peter said as he rolled onto his side and closed his eyes.
The next morning was going to be rough.