“You have three hours to complete the exam, you can return it after an hour.” McGonagall said before starting to hand out the exam papers. “Do not open it until I say you can.” She said, setting the first paper down in front of a student. The exam looked really long, and he was already starting to feel like there was no way he would be able to pass. Sirius watched as she walked around the classroom, handing out the exams to students. He glanced at James and Peter who were sitting in front of him, they got their papers, then he looked at Remus, he got his paper too, and then one appeared in front of him as well, he swallowed down, glancing at McGonagall before she walked away. “You may start.”
He opened the paper, reading through all the questions, there were four pages but only seven questions. All of them looked difficult, even the most simplest ones. It felt like his head just went blank as he continued to read through the questions over and over again.
He glanced around, seeing how everyone had started to write something down. He could hear the quills scraping against the paper, someone turning over their paper, and someone behind him tapped their fingers against the table, and someone opened a new bottle of ink. The clock was ticking too, he glanced at it, already fifteen minutes had gone by. And he had written absolutely nothing down.
Sirius looked back down onto his paper, writing something down as an answer, but realized that it wasn't right and lined over the words to hide it. He looked up as he noticed someone's hand go up in the air, and McGonagall walked over, answering their question. Sirius did hear the question and the answer, but it felt like what they talked about was just unknown to him, like a language she couldn't speak.
His knees were bouncing up and down, quicker and quicker, as the minutes ticked by. Ten more minutes had gone when he glanced back at the clock. 25 minutes of exam time and no answers on his sheet. There was this pressuring feeling building up in his chest, Sirius closed his eyes, trying to will away that dreadful feeling, but it just wouldn't leave him alone.
It was like someone was constantly whispering inside his head, the sound echoed and repeated itself constantly. He couldn't tell what it said, though, but he still knew it was horrible. He glanced at Remus' paper, there was a lot written there, making Sirius feel even worse.
He looked at McGonagall at the front of the classroom, every now, and then she looked up from her stack of papers, looking around the room, but every time her eyes landed on Sirius. Sirius could feel himself starting to shake, but tried to keep as calm as he could, he couldn't panic now.
45 minutes had passed, and he still hadn't been able to write the answers, even though he kept reading through the questions, not understanding them. There were tears in his eyes, and he tried to blink them away as he looked out of the window.
For a while, he tried to make the tears go away, but it felt impossible, they just wouldn't stop gathering in his eyes. The last thing Sirius wanted to do was cry in the classroom, it was simply embarrassing. But thinking about it just made him want to cry even more, and he started to feel like he was going to panic, which would be even more embarrassing than just crying.
A tear dripped down, and he quickly wiped it away, trying to make it look like he was trying to get rid of something from his eye, though he was sure he failed at that. After a while, he glanced at McGonagall again, and she looked back at him, so Sirius looked back down at his exam, trying to make it look like he was writing, but he just drew a small flower, not able to come up with any actual words to answer the question he drew under.
But when another tear fell, and he wiped it away, he saw McGonagall get up, though no one raised their hand to ask a question. She walked over to Sirius, coming to stand behind him and leaning over so she could whisper to him, from the corner of his eye, he saw Remus glance at him when the professor walked over. He looked worried.
“Is everything okay?” She whispered, though Sirius didn't look at her, but he could still tell she was looking at him worriedly, her voice said it too. Sirius quickly shook his head, hoping no one heard. “Okay. Do you need to step outside for a bit?” Sirius nodded this time, getting up from his seat and quickly making his way out, feeling all the eyes on him definitely didn't make him feel any better.
Sirius closed the door behind him, taking a seat on one of the benches that was against the wall. Though there were people studying not that far away, and he still didn't want to cry when there were other people around, he couldn't hold back the tears anymore. They just fell down, and he tried his best to wipe them away.
After he had calmed down at least somewhat, he saw professor sprout walking down the corridor, and she stopped by him as she saw him crying. “What's going on here?” She asked, sitting down next to him.
“Just t-the transfiguration exam.” He mumbled, wiping away the tear that fell, glancing at her, she nodded, seeming to think about it for a minute. “It's too difficult.”
"I can understand that, I never really liked transfigurations in school.” She said with a small smile. “Would you like to speak with professor McGonagall, Mr. Black?” She asked, after a moment of thinking. He nodded slowly, wiping away more of the tears that just kept falling, even though he tried his best to keep them at bay.
Sprout got up from the bench, walking into the transfiguration classroom and after a minute, McGonagall came out, giving Sirius a small smile as she walked over. “Let's go somewhere else, is that okay?” Sirius nodded, following after her into an empty classroom.
She started talking, and asked him a few questions, though he mostly tuned it out, there was too much on his mind to actually focus. The tears continued to fall, even though he tried to stop them.
“Do you feel like you can continue doing your exam today?” Sirius shook his head, looking up at her to try and see if it was okay. “I think that's better too, unfortunately it will be marked undone, but you will get to retake it. What do you think if you'd get some tutoring about the areas you find the most difficult before retaking it?”
“Okay.” McGonagall nodded, handing him a tissue, and Sirius smiled slightly as a thanks.
“How are you feeling?”
“I don't know.” He whispered, wiping his eyes with the tissue.
“Okay. But I want you to remember that you can come to talk to me or any of the teachers or even poppy whenever you want, and about whatever you want. Whether it's about your studies or just general wellbeing, you can always come.” Sirius nodded, giving her a small smile again while wiping his eyes. “Are you free tomorrow after your classes?” Sirius nodded. “I'll see you then in the transfiguration classroom, how about that?”
“Okay.”
“You're free to go now, if you like.” Sirius nodded, getting up from his seat, and making his way to the door. “I'll ask one of your friends to bring you your stuff, is that okay?" Sirius nodded, before leaving the room.
He wiped his eyes as he walked up into the Gryffindor tower, ignoring the looks he got from the people who were sitting along the corridors. When he got to his dorm, he sat down on his bed, and the tears just fell, he couldn't hold them back anymore. He scooted further down on the bed, his back against the headboard, he brought shaky hands up to his face, hiding it into them, eventually hitting his forehead on his knees that were tucked to his chest.
He had failed. He failed the exam. That was the last thing he wanted, he just simply couldn't fail it, but he still did. It was the first exam of the year, and he had a fucking panic attack, and people saw him crying, saw him leave from the exam. He felt so embarrassed, and so stupid.
How had he managed not to answer a singular question, he hadn't even been able to answer the easiest questions, the ones worth only one point. He had studied for the exam, he really had. He had tried, Remus had even helped him and still, he couldn't manage to answer even one question.
He was scared about his parents finding out, it only now hit him. They'd find out, they always did, one way or another. He knew what would happen to him if and when they did, it wouldn't be good, it would be absolutely horrible. They'd blame him, tell him he's stupid, unworthy, that he should've done better, should've done more, and honestly, he blamed himself too, it was his fault. He should've tried more, studied harder and more, spent more time on the topics. He should've asked for help when he knew he didn't get something or had fallen behind, when he cried over his homework.
It was his fault, he knew that. But he would rather not hear it from his parents, not in that cold judgmental tone, telling him he was worth nothing and was simply stupid for failing this exam. Which, if he was honest with himself, was the truth.
He still tried to be quiet, though he was alone in their dorm, he just didn't like being loud, especially when he was upset like this. It made it all even more embarrassing, he was reacting like a little kid, but he couldn't help it, it just happened. But that too made him feel so stupid, and childish in a way.
He jumped slightly when he heard a quiet knock on the door, and then it opened, Sirius looked up from where his face was still buried in his knees, it was Remus, seeing him made him want to cry even more, though he wasn't sure if that was possible. He frowned slightly as he slipped into their dorm, he had Sirius' bag with him as well, he set it by the door, along with his own, then he walked over to Sirius, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
“What's going on?” He asked gently, looking at Sirius, seeing his red rimmed eyes, the tears trailing down his cheeks that were red and sticky looking from all the tears. He could see the way his chest jumped with short breaths and the tears, the way his whole body shook as he looked back at him, looking so incredibly sad.
“I-” he started, but trailed off, shaking his head as he looked down, wiping his eyes with trembling hands, though the tears didn't stop falling.
“Can I come sit next to you?” He asked, and Sirius nodded quickly, glancing up at Remus as he moved. When Remus sat down next to him, he leaned against him, basically curling up to him with his head on Remus' chest. Sirius could feel his arm wrap around him, holding him closer by the waist, while he held his other hand over Sirius' still shaking ones. “It's alright baby.”
Sirius shook his head. “It is.” He said softly. “It really is, whatever happened. It's okay. I promise.” He nodded slightly, closing his eyes, focusing on listening to Remus’ breathing. It was quiet for a while, apart from the quiet, gentle humming that was coming from Remus, he did that quite often. Humming under his breath to calm him down, to comfort him and Sirius liked it, it really was comforting, and it gave him something else to focus on, rather than all the thoughts going around in his head.
He cried, quiet cries leaving from him, but Remus just shushed him gently, rubbing his side, kissing his head and simply holding him. After a while, the tears slowly calmed down, as did his breathing, though it still was elaborated, and a little fast, but better than it was before, no more jumpy breaths or hiccups, just a bit fast.
“Better?” Remus asked quietly, and Sirius nodded, reaching up to caress his cheek, and wipe away the tears, smiling slightly as Sirius looked up. He grabbed a tissue from the bedside table, wiping away the tears, watching as Sirius blushed slightly, whispering a thanks as he was handed another tissue to blow his nose. “Wanna talk?”
“O-okay.”
“We don't have to, if you don't wanna.” Remus reminded, and Sirius nodded after a moment of thinking, shifting so he could look at Remus better, without having to tilt his head. “Wanna tell me what happened?”
“I don't know, re.” He whispered. “I-i failed. I didn't answer any of the questions. Just got overwhelmed. I think.”
“Nothing wrong with that, you'll get to retake it, no?”
“Yeah.” Mumbled, looking down. “Feel stupid.”
“You're not though.” Remus said, tipping his chin up, so Sirius would look at him, and when he did, he cupped his cheek. “Failing one thing doesn't make you stupid. Or that you didn't know something or started to get overwhelmed. There's nothing wrong with that, and it definitely doesn't make you stupid.”
“Everyone saw me crying.” he said, his eyes looking wild and panicked as he looked at Remus, like he was scared to say something wrong, scared to be blamed. He just looked hurt, and it broke Remus' heart a little, but he still listened as Sirius continued to talk, his quiet whispering turning into this panicked rambling. “It's embarrassing. A-and my mum is gonna find out, and… and I don't want that. It's horrible if she does, she will. Remus, she'll -”
“Sirius, baby, calm down.” Remus said, but it didn't seem like Sirius heard him, or at least didn't register what was being said. “It's okay.”
“No- no, no… 's bad. So bad, re. You don't understand. I failed, I-i can't fail. I'm so stupid, I should've done more, so much more.” He said. “I could've done more. I didn't mean for this to happen, I swear. I-i didn't. What if it happens again- it it can't -”
Remus took both of Sirius' hands into his, looking him in the eyes. “It's okay.” He whispered, watching as Sirius' expression changed slightly. “Everything's okay, I promise. Maybe I don't understand, but I want to, okay? I wanna know what you're thinking about and how you're feeling. It's not a bad thing you failed, or didn't finish the exam.”
“Is.”
“Is not. It might feel like it right now, but I promise, it's not a bad thing, or embarrassing or make you stupid, in any way.” He said, rubbing his thumbs over Sirius' wrists in hopes of calming him down. “You did study, you did all you could. You tried. And that's so good, you tried your best, and that's all we can do, no?”
“I'm sorry.” Sirius whispered, wiping his eyes as the tears had started to fall again.
“No.” He said softly, letting his hands go, cupping his cheeks and wiping away the tears. “Don't be sorry, nothing to be sorry for.” Sirius nodded, blinking at Remus, trying not to start crying again. “You can cry if you want.”
Sirius nodded again, basically slumping against Remus, who wrapped his arms around him, starting to play with his hair, trying to comfort him the best he could. “I love you, baby.” He whispered after a while, when Sirius had calmed down again, he was drawing shapes to Remus' side with his finger. Remus smiled slightly, kissing his head and letting his lips linger there for a moment. “So much.”
“Love you too, moons.” Sirius mumbled, yawning quietly, burrowing his head more into Remus' chest. “I'm sorry.” he said again, he wasn't even sure what he was sorry for, but he just was.
“Shush now, don't be, it's alright.” Sirius nodded. “Wanna take a little nap before dinner?”
“Mm”
“Okay. C'mon let's lay down.” Sirius nodded, sitting up, as Remus laid down, pulling him back against his chest, Sirius smiled slightly, closing his eyes as he got comfortable. “Sleep well.”
“Mhm.” He mumbled, his face hidden in the space between his neck and collarbone. Remus laughed quietly, earning another sleepy smile from him, which he thought was just good. At least he was feeling a little better, or maybe he was just tired, being worn out from all the emotions, but Remus counted it as a success anyway.
“I'll wake you up in a few hours.” Sirius nodded, not far from drifting off. Remus smiled slightly, playing with his hair, twirling it around his finger, or carding his fingers through it, solving the knots that had formed, trying to be as gentle as possible. It didn't take long until Sirius fell asleep, his breathing got deeper and calmer, and his fingers loosened from where they had been clutching at Remus' jumper, though he still didn't fully let go.