1978
There was a clock somewhere in the world counting down the inevitable seconds in this room when Mary would say these words. They've both known it for ages, and Lily was nothing if not attentive. This silence was thick. It was chalky, and unsettling, the kind of silence that stretches for miles on end until nobody remembers what they're even avoiding.
"I can't do this anymore."
She remembers now. Sitting next to Mary on this bed, in a secret room in the castle, in an hour so late nobody would think to go looking for them. The moonlight shone in barely, illuminating few spots of the cramped room, and disguising their faces. Lily likes to think Mary wasn't looking at her anyways. That the shame in both of their eyes would've been held there in an effort to spare more pain, and that by looking at Lily she would take everything back and somehow convince both of them to finally get on the same page and agree on the same future.
Mary's hair still smelled like strawberries, even now, because even in the crashing and burning of this; she was Mary. And, Mary always washed her hair with grossly artificial berry shampoo, a fact little known to anyone who didn't pay attention.
Lily paid attention. Lily also knew what brand of toothpaste she preferred, and that she always double washed her hair, and that she preferred to file her nails rather than clip them down because it doesn't leave harsh edges and Mary likes to keep them painted nicely to match her outfits.
She knows that Mary wouldn't be caught dead without a dark red lip gloss in her pocket, and that she likes to buy a white rose perfume even though it's more expensive than the strawberry one, because she thinks it makes her smell older and she doesn't like being underestimated. Lily knows the smell of her hair more than anyone else, because nobody else gets to understand Mary like she does. She's spent the last two years tangled up in it, dark rooms and silent dorms. She knows the feel of the soft brown curls, and the sweet smell they give off, and if one person knows what hairstyle is her favorite it's Lily. After all, they were best friends before-
-this. And it's not weird at all. You would think it would be, but after the second time sneaking into the other's bed in the middle of the night, casting a silencing charm so familiar to them now it's habit, they both appreciated the evolution of their friendship.
Nobody can pay attention like Lily Evans can. She was made to be a lover, to embrace the people she cared for in warmth and gifts and an open blue sky. Not a dark and musty broom closet, hushed whispers and closed eyes. These were meant to be sacred moments.
Not to mention the war. If their secret was bad two years ago, the last year was from hell. Lily knew what she wanted to do, and that was defend the people like herself who get treated differently only because of whether their parents are wizards. All her friends get that. Most of her graduating class understands that, too. They want to fight, but the one person she wanted to fight, needed there with her, doesn't want to do it.
Lily doesn't blame Mary at all, and she can't bring herself too. At the end of the day, it's not a cause meaningful to her, and she wants to save herself the pain of war. Everyone knows what war does to you, that's not the issue. Lily is dreading it, and she knows it's going to tear her friends apart.
She just didn't know it'd be this fast, before they even left school. They were just giggling and kissing in this room, and now silence as thick and as murky as the hatred brewing in their veins was stirring. Lily knew this conversation was going to happen. 'I can't do this anymore.' And so, she stayed silent.
"I cannot be by your side as you let this war strip you of everything I love most dearly about you." Mary reiterated.
And, wow. Lily actually flinched at that one.
"This war will strip me of you, and you are what I hold most dear. Mary. I'm begging you, don't let it. Just-" Lily's eyes were welling up as she choked on every syllable.
Mary interrupted. "Don't. Lily, we talked about this. We can't change each other's minds and you know that. Don't make it worse by trying."
Lily couldn't see the girl, but she felt her look away. The room seemed to be growing colder.
"But-Mary-what if you just tried to listen to me. It could work! We could work! You said it yourself you wanted to become a healer, what difference does it make if you're doing it for the order, and--and we could BE together, and find a small flat on the edge of London together, but we could make it work." Lily's whole body was shaking, choking the words out. She tried to steady her voice, but it felt as thought every word filled her lungs with grains of sand. Mary was shaking her head the entire time she spoke. Lily believed both girls were crying, now.
Mary's words sounded stunted between sobs, "Lily. Just quit it! No matter how we do this, even if we both make it titled 'Death Eaters slaughter their way through Hogwarts graduates.' I CANNOT stand by and have to be there for the fallout, and be the ex-lover left a shell because her girlfriend was murdered by terrorists." The moonlight shone on the other girl's face now, and as she looked up through thick tears and pain, all Lily could think was "This is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and I am going to lose her to the war before it starts."
"Lily, you need to realize that. You can't be okay with that"
The thing was, she did realize that. Of course Mary's words made sense, she was right, Mary Macdonald was always right. But Lily could not bring herself to care, and it suddenly made her very angry.
"I can be okay with that, Mary. I CAN be okay with it!" Her voice was getting louder.
"I don't care how this crashes and burns, how the war ends, or who wins. I do not care if I die, or if I'm broken, or if you're broken too. That makes me selfish but I DON'T CARE! I would rather be dead having had more time with you, then living through a war with you not there standing with me in the end."
Mary recoiled at her words, standing up. "What the fuck, Evans? How could you say that knowing it isn't what I want, and it never has been?" She was running her fingers through her hair anxiously.
The silence stretched on before Mary spoke again.
"I don't care, if all you want to do is go run off and play hero with Marlene, and James, and Sirius. I don't care if you guys think the 'power of friendship' will allow you to not get Kedavra'd by the very first death eater that sees you on the street. I have told you all that I will not play a part in it. You have no idea how much it hurts me Lily, to walk away from all of you. But I don't want a piece in this war, and staying with you-" Her voice broke on the last word.
"-staying with you means I have a piece in it. A huge piece, which I care about more than anything in the world. So go, and kill Voldemort, or die trying. And the whole time, I will be here, reading the newspaper headlines, waiting by the phone for the day he decides that he had enough of the Hogwarts graduates playing Auror."
And Lily sat there, on the bed, hunched over, sobbing through every word the girl said. And Mary watched her, and there was a moment both girls almost took it back. And Lily whispered "I love you." And Mary whispered, "don't join this." But the redheaded girl just shook her head.
Five seconds later, and she was alone in the room with footsteps echoing in her ears and cold air rushing in. Mary left the smell of shampoo and sorrow where she ran away.
___
1981
Three years later, Mary would arrive home from a double-shift on Halloween at St. Mungo's hospital. Three years later, she would turn on the lights to her small apartment she could barely afford, and walk to the kitchen, and take off her shoes. Three years later, she would pick up the newspaper from the floor, and frantically flip through it on the table, praying to not see her friends' names anywhere.
Then, the phone would ring. It was October 31, 1981, and the direct phone line to Mary Macdonald's flat in London would ring from an unknown number. A moment passed. The phone rang, and suddenly Mary couldn't breathe. The room got colder, and the lights flickered. Before she even touched the phone, she felt it. Somehow, she knew something had happened.
There was a moment, a few years prior, that flashed in her mind. There was a stab of regret and a yearning to go back and change everything like ice melting down her spine.
She remembered a conversation she would never forget, where a redheaded girl once asked her to join a war. She remembered saying no. She remembered walking away.
She remembered attending the girl's wedding with James Potter the next year, getting so drunk she barely recalled the girl's breathtaking face while she danced with James. It was probably the alcohol that made Mary recall the bride staring at her and not her husband during most of the dance, but it felt so real it made Mary get up and leave early.
Then they went into hiding, with the baby.
They went into hiding, and Mary never said goodbye. If she had just joined the order, she would've never married James. The baby would not exist. And Mary would not be receiving this call on Halloween 1981.
The phone rang out, and there was the familiar beep of a voicemail on the other end. She heard Dumbledore's voice for the first time in three years, barely picking up on his careful words;
"Accident-"
"the baby-"
"-Sirius".
Mary's wand was in her hand before he could even finish. She would never know the words he said to finish that phone call, that James was the first and Lily was next. She had a fleeting thought of what would happen to Remus, but there was only one face flashing behind her eyelids as she pointed the wand to her head.
Lily.
Lily.
Lily.
Lil-
"Obliviate".