Chapter 1
A bright light enveloped the hobbit and their child.
“What's happening?” Ambrose asked, but their voice seemed suddenly to be much further away than before.
“I don't-” Rainy was promptly knocked off his feet.
He stood back up and found himself in a strange and unfamiliar alley, “-know,” he finished as he looked around his new surroundings.
Just as he was about to turn, he was suddenly assaulted with a barrage of feathers. With a yelp, he was back on the floor again.
A weight settled on his stomach and Rainy looked up to see a light brown owl perched on them.
“The fuck?” he asked the owl.
“ Hoot ”, said the owl and stretched out his leg holding a letter.
Carefully avoiding the bird’s sharp talons, Rainy took the offered envelope from the owl. As soon as they held the heavy parchment, the owl flew off with another hoot.
Rainy looked at the envelope in their hand.
Mr. Rainy Baggins
Graces Alley
Whitechapel, London
Rainy flipped the envelope and saw a purple wax sigil with an unfamiliar coat of arms. It was split into four quadrants, each depicting a different animal: a lion, a snake, a badger, and a raven.
Breaking the wax seal, Rainy opened the letter curiously.
Dear Mr. Baggins,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.
Term begins on 1 September. We await your owl by no later than 31 July.
Yours sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts
Rainy frowned. Where the hell was he going to get an owl?
“ Hoot .”
Rainy looked up and saw that the owl had landed on a nearby brick wall.
Luckily, Rainy still had their letterman bag slung around one shoulder and was able to get out a quill and ink.
Sure why not
- Rainy
Rainy wrote on the back of the letter. There was something else in the envelope. A list of supplies.
Deciding to deal with that later, they put the letter back into the envelope and handed it back to the owl.
The bird made a patented owl head movement before disappearing into the night sky.
Albus Dumbledore sat behind his desk at Hogwarts, happily snacking on a bowl of toffees while answering different missives.
Another stack of letters appeared on his desk. Minerva must have sent this year's muggle-born acceptance letters.
Albus began parsing through the letters, assigning each of the students to either a Hogwarts staff member or another adult wizard–or other magical beings–that had volunteered to pick up a child for supply shopping and a general introduction to the wizarding world.
He hummed and plopped another toffee in his mouth as he reached a comically short reply. Most muggle-borns wrote at least a paragraph, sometimes more, trying to appear professional in a new and unfamiliar world.
Referencing his list of volunteers he found there was one too few for the amount of letters remaining.
Luckily there was still one staff member available, though he hadn't volunteered for the service.
“It will be good for him,” Albus informed his phoenix companion, Fawkes, “and most amusing for me,” he added with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.
Severus Snape glowered at the damp environment he had found himself in. He had apparated to where the student’s trace was leading and found himself underneath a bridge.
There was a rustling and then a sudden hiss as a black cat came storming past him.
“Cowboy!” a young voice called after it and a short eleven-year-old with dark blue curls ran into his field of view.
The child stopped promptly and looked Severus up and down, studying his long black robes before focusing on his arms.
“Why do you have so many buttons?”
Severus ignored the question. “Rainy Baggins?” he asked, although he was sure this was the right child.
“You a copper?” the child asked defensively.
“No.”
The child shrugged, “You don't look like one.”
“I am here on behalf of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,” he informed them. “With your consent, I will bring you to Diagon Alley, where you will be able to purchase school supplies.”
Rainy looked at the tall goth in front of him. This was either a really weird attempt at kidnapping or the start of another fantastical adventure.
“Sure,” they agreed easily. If it was a kidnapping, they could always just fry the guy with a good amount of hamon and make a run for it.
If the man was surprised by the easy acquiescence, he didn't show it. He merely offered his arm as if to a lady.
“Our way of transport requires you to hold on to me,” he explained.
Keeping a close eye on the weird goth, Rainy reached for the arm. As soon as they had a hold on it, the word spun out of control and he had to fight to keep his grip.
Just as soon as it started, it was over, and Rainy found themselves in a bustling street.
“Come along, I will answer your questions as we go.”
Rainy quickly followed the billowing dark robes towards a tall bright building.
“So who are you anyway?”
“You may call me Professor Snape. I will be your potions instructor and, should you be sorted onto Slytherin, your head of house.”
They entered the building, which looked like someone had tried to reconstruct an ancient Greek building from memory.
“What's Slytherin?”
“One of the four houses of Hogwarts. You will learn more about them once you arrive at the school.”
“Cool. So, what kind of witchcraft and wizardry are you guys teaching? The robes and staff kind or more spiritually?”
“We use wands.”
He concluded the conversation by herding Rainy into the main area of the building. “Don’t worry about the elves.”
“Elves?”
Rainy opened their mouth in surprise as they were faced with a multitude of very small people–smaller than Rainy even! Although they wore similar clothes to the elves Rainy had seen in Rivendell, these people looked nothing at all like the people of Elrond.
Whereas the elves of Rivendell were tall–like humans–with an unnaturally slender build and long braided hairstyles, these elves were maybe the height of Snape’s knee and entirely bald with big round eyes.
“Well, they do have pointy ears,” Rainy commented, although their ears were much longer than any they had seen before.
Snape rose a brow but didn't comment as the two of them headed towards a big desk.
It was very broad and seemed to be made out of heavy wood but it only went up to Rainy’s chest. The elf on the other side seemed to be on a risen platform as well as a fancy desk chair with an overthrow of red crushed velvet.
“What can I do for you?” the elf asked in a high-pitched voice.
“We need to start a student vault for Rainy Baggins,” Snape explained, “We couldn't find any guardians so we’ll be transferring some money from Hogwarts’ Fund for Orphaned Students,” he produced several legal papers from somewhere in his robes.
“Does Rainy Baggins wish to undertake an inheritance test?” the elf asked.
Snape looked at Rainy in askance.
“What does that mean?” Rainy asked.
The elf procured a blank piece of parchment from a lockbox along with a silver atame.
“We merely require a small quantity of your blood. Any amount works. Sometimes muggle-born or orphaned wizards have inheritances they are not aware of. If said inheritance is in Gringotts, this parchment will inform us and grant you entry to those vaults.”
Rainy was pretty sure there was no such inheritance in this world but shrugged anyway, “It can't hurt.”
Looking to see what Snape thought of it, they saw the dark-haired man nod.
Taking the offered atame from the elf, Rainy slightly poked a fingertip. The blade seemed to be magically sharpened as even the slightest pressure caused the skin to break.
Rainy smeared the blood onto the parchment as best they could.
At first, nothing happened.
Snape, who had leaned slightly forward, straightened up, “Very well, we will-”
He cut himself off as words started to appear on the parchment.
Rainy Baggins, born 1314 Shire Reckoning, age 36
Heir of the Baggins Family through Bilbo Baggins
Heir of the Joestar Family through Dio Brando
There was a family tree underneath, showing everyone from as far back as Balbo Baggins and Berylla Boffin, Rainy’s great-great-grandparents.
As soon as the words appeared, the elf quickly took the parchment from their view. They seemed nervous.
“I must discuss this with my superior,” they excused before rushing off.
Rainy and Snape waited in uncomfortable silence until a different elf returned. Whereas the first elf wore long flowing blue robes, this one was dressed in a red brocade vest along with dark slacks and an open golden robe.
“I am Snippy,” the elf introduced themselves. “Zinky shared your inheritance test with me,” they waved the parchment, “and I felt it was my duty to explain it to you personally. The Joestar family has not had an heir in a century after all!” Snippy seemed quite excited about the concept.
When neither Snape nor Rainy responded quickly enough, Snippy was quick to interpret their silence as hesitancy and assured them, “This will all be highly confidential, of course. In fact, we must insist that you remain here while I discuss this with young Mister Baggins, Professor Snape.”
Snape looked from one expectant face to the other before turning with billowing robes to take a seat in the waiting area in the front of the hall.
Snippy waved Rainy along and the two passed by numerous other elves as they went to their office.
The desk in this room was not to greet strangers but to have meetings with colleagues or whomever else an elf such as Snippy would want to have a meeting with.
Once they were both seated and tea had been poured–they were both at least mostly British after all–Snippy began their story.
“The Joestar family was a great wizarding family,” they explained.
“Wait, really?” Rainy immediately interrupted.
“In this world at least,” Snippy said, their high voice taking in a mischievous quality. “They had quite a few famous wizards in their family. I believe it's the reason why muggles like to portray Merlin in a starry robe.”
“Wait are you saying Merlin–that old wizard guy–was the first Joestar?”
“Well, his wife’s name was later translated and adapted to Joestar,” Snippy explained, “Their children had her name.”
“Didn't know he had kids,” Rainy remarked.
“Probably a form of precaution,” shrugged the elf, “Powerful wizards seldom don't have enemies. Either way, in the late 1880s, the patriarch of the family, George Joestar, adopted an unknown street child called Dio Brando. No one knew where exactly he came from or why Lord Joestar decided to take him in but he was raised alongside the Joestar heir.”
That sounded very familiar to Rainy.
The elf continued: “George Joestar died from a long-term illness in 1888, and his son followed in 1889.”
“How did he die?” Rainy asked, frowning.
“Some sort of cursed artefact. The details were never made public. But Dio Brando inherited the Joestar wealth.”
Rainy snorted, “That's convenient.”
“Quite,” Snippy agreed before taking a sip of their tea, “The Joestars were very involved in the local muggle community so there were police investigations but Dio Brando disappeared not long after.”
“He went missing?”
“No. He disappeared,” Snippy repeated.
Rainy made a confused sound.
“There were some witnesses that claimed the Joestar Mansion lit up in a bright light, Dio Brando was heard yelling profanities, and then, according to his staff, just disappeared.”
Rainy thought back to the bright light they had experienced before finding themselves in the dark alleyway.
Snippy seemed to somehow guess what they were thinking, there was a knowing look in their eyes, but said nothing of it. Instead, they continued their story, “A month after Dio Brando’s disappearance, he was pronounced dead and his Last Will was produced. It listed only one person: Rainy Baggins. Officially, Rainy Baggins was announced as Dio Brando’s brother–a bastard of his father, perhaps. Others, however, thought the two were cousins.”
“So what were they?”
Snippy shrugged, “Likely, they were lovers. Muggles were quite prejudiced in this era, after all, so it made sense to hide it. Either way, as you are also Rainy Baggins–if maybe a different version–his inheritance is now yours. And with that, the Joestar inheritance.”