Chapter 26
Chapter 26:
Hermione nearly caught him tonight, if he hadn’t cast a detection spell prior to coming into the office she would have caught him. He had just finished up the note as response to an inquiry when the spell was tripped, he only took a moment to see who it was from a distance before he apparated right away.
She had asked why he was leaving gifts, and he saw no reason to withhold the answer. He’d heard about all the progress his contributions had made to her research and it filled him with such unwarranted pride he had to scold himself repeatedly, these were not his accomplishments to claim. He’d decided to start finishing up the gifts as fast as possible to sever all connection to Grangers just as fast. He didn’t realize how much time he’d have to spend tracking down the items he needed and he didn’t like how she preoccupied his mind.
His nightmares were back and barely slept which made it easy to chase down the required items and he was nearly done obtaining them, getting caught now would defeat the purpose. He wanted his debt repaid and then wanted to move on, she was clearly very much still in the I hate Malfoy camp and thought his mind would be at ease knowing he gave something in return to her for her testimony and as amends for the other things that happened during the war, he knew that deep down nothing could ever change the past.
He could never take back the slurs he called her, the way he mocked her looks or her friends. He can never take back the slice on her arm his aunt carved as he watched her scream. He rubbed at his temples attempting to make the thoughts stop.
The thing about being fully free is that your mind is left to wander. There is no immediate danger or object of obsession, the mind is not in survival mode and is left to ponder and relive anything it pleases. And his mind often fixated on the worst of it. For Draco, freedom is a gilded cage because he can never let go of the past no matter how much distance he places between the man he was and the kid he used to be.