Chapter 1
I open up the dating apps I installed years ago, my fingers mindlessly swiping right, searching for a spark, a distraction, a maybe.
I swipe on faces that blur together, on smiles that don’t quite reach their eyes, on bios that try too hard to be clever. I tell myself that maybe, just maybe, one of them will turn my world upside down the way you did.
But with every swipe, I realize something.
It’s not just about finding someone. It’s about finding you, or at least the way you made me feel. And no matter how many right swipes I give, none of them feel quite right.
The way I keep comparing them to you should be studied by scientists, how stubborn this brain of mine is.
I keep comparing. And you always win.
I hate that.
I hate that I can’t even give them a chance,
or worse
give myself a chance to replace you.
Wait.
Replace?
Why am I even thinking about replacing you?
That same question keeps repeating in my mind, over and over like a infinity loop.
Should I replace you? Or should I just let someone else come and force their way in, into my brain, my heart, my soul, my body, the way you did?
I hate that after all this time, you might be absent from my life, but you never really left.
I hate you. But why…
Why do I keep repeating your name in my head like a prayer I don’t believe in anymore?