Tonks, just Tonks
Even when Black and Lupin were on their best behaviour, Severus always felt himself relax more when the two of them left his quarters after their now almost regular family dinners. His farewells with Andromeda and Ted were a lot more relaxed, at least, and his smile much more real when he wished them a good night and thanked them for a pleasant evening before seeing them to the Floo. Harry had left as soon as Black and Lupin did, as he had some homework to get through before the new week began, and thus it was only Severus himself and Tonks left in his apartment.
Tonks sent the dirty dessert plates and utensils to the small kitchen, vanished the extra chairs and cleaned up the sofa table and the general area around it. She picked up a puzzle book that Harry had gotten from Black and apparently forgot to bring with him to his dorm, or maybe he wanted to keep it in his room. Severus motioned for Tonks to put it there, nevertheless, while he packed up the left-over dessert, placed it in his own cooling cupboard and refilled their wine glasses. When Tonks came back, he was already leaning back in his chair. She let herself fall into the sofa, stretched a hand after the wineglass, and took a sip.
“It feels strange, being this happy over a family dinner, when I know that I’m probably the one who grew up with the most stable and welcoming family amongst us,” she said. “But these dinners make me truly happy, and that’s not only because I can see how happy they make Harry either. Though, that’s a big part of it.”
“Indeed,” Severus muttered before sipping his own wine. Harry’s enthusiasm while planning what they would have for dinner and dessert, and while he set the table and decorated it, made Severus certain that he would keep these dinners going, even if he detested them themselves, which he, strangely enough, didn’t. Black and Lupin did behave themselves, there was no foul language towards Severus, no taunts, no aggression. Lupin could even hold an entire conversation with him without using the demeaning nickname the Marauders had given him during their school years. Black had a harder time of it, but he mostly just didn’t speak to Severus, and if he had to, his voice was stiff, but his words were cordial. Ted and Andromeda were much easier to speak to and he had to admit that he liked them both.
Tonks was another matter entirely again.
Severus lifted his glass towards her in a toast and she lifted hers in return with a small smile.
“To another successful family dinner,” he said.
“May there be many more to come,” she grinned and sipped her wine.
They sat in the quiet room, with the snaps and cracks of the fire on the fireplace the only sound for long moments. Then Tonks began to tell him about an irritating situation at her work the week before, that morphed into another funnier one before Severus complained about his students. A Second Year in particular, who had managed to blow up a cauldron and send half his class to the Infirmary only minutes after Severus had told his class very emphatically not to do exactly what the student had ended up doing.
“No one got permanently scarred, but by Salazar, I have to wonder how much longer that will hold true.” Severus dragged a hand over his face. “Without help, it’s all I can do to keep the dunderheads alive, forget teaching them anything at all. That class is a farce!”
“I didn’t understand that myself, back when I was a student,” Tonks said. “I resented the fact that I had to teach myself if I wanted a passable grade. I didn’t understand how … lacking Hogwarts is as a teaching institution before the end of my Sixth Year. That was when I read about other schools in Europe and beyond, and the fact that the active subjects like Potions, Transfiguration and Charms all had at least three teachers each, in addition to minimum one assistant or apprentice for each teacher.” She shook her head. “Seeing the actual results, from the Durmstrang and Beauxbatons students … It puts it all into a sharp kind of perspective.”
“Precisely. I abhor Igor Karkaroff, but I know that he heads his school quite a lot better than Albus heads Hogwarts. Nevermind the fact that Dark Arts are on the curriculum. The students will survive some Dark Arts if instructed safely and properly; they won’t survive unsupervised brewing time. And despite my best effort, that is more or less what every brewing session is.”
Tonks nodded slowly and sat up, a hesitant but also slightly mischievous smile on her face. “I don’t know a lot of people, or any really, that don't mind the Dark Arts, but Mum did teach me some of both the most effective and common Dark Arts. She said it was my legacy as a Daughter of the House of Black, and that I should know some of it and how to learn and practise it safely, and then decide if I wanted to learn more by myself later.” She stopped and hesitated and Severus nodded at her.
“If you want me to admit to practising some of the Dark Arts myself, as carefully and conscientiously as it is possible, I have no reservations in doing so, to you. I started before my Fourth Year.”
She nodded back, obviously a bit relieved at his admittance. “I have no one to discuss it with,” she said slowly. “No one to practise with or learn with. I mean, I have to be careful and always clean myself up before I have a shift at work, as some of my colleagues practically can sniff out Dark Magic, but … I have always wanted the possibility to discuss it with someone who won’t judge, and who is not my mother.” She quirked her lips into a small, unsure smile.
“I can’t practise in a way that makes it difficult for me to be at the school. Albus is far too interested in his old Death Eater spy for me to be any less than extremely careful, but I’m quite often available for a discussion or for teaching or being taught something in theory.”
Tonks stiffened and Severus cursed himself for reminding her about his Death Eater days. Her eyes narrowed.
“How difficult does he make life for you, on a regular basis? I mean, at least I can go home and keep my private life private from my interfering colleagues, and practise my magic in peace, but you always have him hovering over you. Mum never liked him,” she stated, like that was all that mattered, and as Andromeda Black had always been a good judge of character, maybe it did.
It took Severus several moments to understand that Tonks wasn’t about to judge him for his foolish mistakes as a youth.
“I … have warded my quarters well enough for him to be unable to notice anything that goes on in here, but I never truly know when he will show up during the day. Or at least want to show up. He has to ask permission to get in here. Still, doing anything that can be noticed in the general areas of the school or that can be noticed on me later … I do my very best not to do them.”
Tonks relaxed back in the couch pillows and nodded. “Any idea who to ask to the Yule Ball yet, then?” she asked with a smirk, readily understanding that it was time for a complete change of topic before Severus got truly agitated over his lack of space and privacy. It was hard to believe that they had hardly known each other four months ago.
Severus sent a wandless and wordless Stinging Hex at her; she squealed and massaged the spot. “Hey, it was an innocent and relevant question! That stupid ball ruins our Yule plans!”
“No, I don’t know who to ask. I’m just grateful that I was able to pound it into Bagman’s head that Harry would not attend the ball as he is not only no longer a Champion, but also still unable to stand for longer periods of time!” he ended with a snarl.
“That Boy-Who-Lived thing will probably never stop making people stupid, Severus, and maybe even more so now that he is the first known Omega in two centuries.”
“The first known Omega in two centuries, on the British Isles,” Severus said. “Mister Krum mentioned that Bulgaria had their last mated pair about a hundred years ago and that there were rumours of other, even younger, pairs other places in Europe and beyond. Magical Britain is pretty xenophobic in all respects, but the rest of Europe guards their pairs and all real information about the individuals rather jealously. I’m certain Mister Krum would never even have admitted anything about Bulgaria’s most recent pair, if not for the fact that I myself am a Warder.”
“That's interesting, and definitely something to look into, later. For now, what about the Yule Ball?”
Severus grimaced and drained his glass.
“You could … you could take me, if that would help?” she said slowly and watched his reaction.
He gave her a half smile and raised an eyebrow inquiringly.
“And we could maybe …” She drew in a deep breath and met his eyes. “We could make it a real date, and maybe see if we would want to go on any more dates, later?” She bit her lip, but continued. “I don’t want to come between Harry and you in any way, ever. Not that I think that I truly can, but I just want to say that I don’t want to, either. And if it works out between us in the long run, great. If it works for some months or years, still great, and if … if you and Harry end up being bonded as mates and not friends or something similar, and the two of us still are working out, then I have no trouble with that either; no trouble with sharing. For my part, just to have mentioned it.” She drew in a deep breath again. “Sorry, I just … I have tried to make myself ask for a few weeks now, and I’m afraid asking would ruin the friendship we have, and that still wasn’t enough to make me not want to at least ask you. I’m going to shut up now.”
“Our friendship is absolutely not ruined,” Severus said, because that was truly what they had. Tonks was his friend and he valued her as he had only valued one person before, before Harry, at least.
“Oh, that’s good.” She smiled, it was a bit wobbly. “But I’m sensing a ‘but’ here …”
“I’m very much gay,” Severus said calmly. “I like you, there is no doubt about it, but I’m not attracted to you in that way. I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. “That’s not your fault. We all are what we are.” She hesitated. “And it so happens that I … I’m a Metamorphmagus.” She looked down at her hands. “Just so you know, this is not a: ‘see what I can do, I can be whatever you want me to be’-thing. I stopped doing that before I graduated, it wasn’t at all healthy. This is a ‘I have been waiting for the right time to come clean and fuck it, I’m doing it now’-thing.” She swallowed audibly and looked him in the eyes.
Severus had heard enough coming out admissions from students during his years as a Head of House, that he knew some of what was coming now. Some students needed to just say it to one adult and be told that it was normal, they were normal, they were as worthy of consideration and love as everyone else. Some needed the adult to be with them later when they came out to their family. Some needed the adult to get them out of a horrible situation, because of said coming out to their family. He had never had someone come out to him, because of him, before.
“I don’t know how my life would have been if I hadn’t been a Metamorphmagus. Magic can help one to change genders, even change between genders multiple times, if necessary, but that’s not advised. As far as I know, magic has no solution for someone like me, who feels like one, both or neither gender is my own, at different times. I was fifteen when my changing body, because of puberty I mean, almost drove me mad. It wasn’t made better with the clothes I was supposed to wear and ‘Miss’ here and ‘girl’ there and …” She drew in a deep breath and managed to calm her breathing down again. “My best friend asked if I couldn’t find my comfort zone with my special ability. He helped me change the clothes that I detested and burn those that would never fit me again. He was the one who in the end began to call me Tonks, just Tonks, so I would no longer need to hear Nymphadora, or Nym, or Dora. Mum and Dad always make sure to insist that people use their given names, when we as a family get to know someone, so I can be called just Tonks without it being confusing with a room full of Tonks’.
“Sometimes I feel mostly like a witch, sometimes I feel mostly like a wizard, and sometimes I feel somewhere in between. During my training as an Auror, I kept being a witch at work, even when my skin itched all day long and I just wanted to scream. Partly because I didn’t want to make waves amongst the older bigots in the DMLE. I didn’t show up as a wizard before I had gotten through my exams and gotten a job. So, I have been dealing with a lot of shit at work recently, simply for being my actual self and so I … I wasn’t ready to let you or Harry know. Not yet. A possible rejection amongst close friends when I deal with that kind of bullshit at work … It would have been too much. But I always planned to let you know.
“All that to say. I have a male form that I quite like, and well … if that changes anything for you, in regard to dating me, that’s nice, but I don’t … I don’t expect anything, to be absolutely clear. Except normal, human decency, but well, I kind of know that I will get that from you. Even if I wasn’t able to tell you this before now.” She took a deep breath again and changed before his eyes.
Her deep purple hair stayed the same, with shaved sides and longer on top with the bangs long enough to slip into her eyes, but the rest of her melted into an undoubtedly male shape. His frame was still slender, but his shoulders became broader, his hips narrower and there was less on his chest and more between his legs. His face changed into a male version of Tonks’ female face with sharper features, higher cheekbones, thinner lips and more almond shaped eyes in a deep lavender. Then he looked down at his clothes, frowned and changed the black slacks and dark purple silk blouse into black slacks that fit his masculine body and a silk shirt in the same colour. Severus got the distinct impression that Tonks were quite excellent at changing clothes to suit his shape. At least for a shorter period of time, there weren’t many that could make changes like that and make them stick for more than a few hours, not without making the quality of the garments far inferior to what they had been.
Severus looked at the young man on the couch. The man that had become his friend in a surprisingly short time and that kept up with his snarky personality, sharp words, and dark humour without getting upset. The man that was irritatingly cheery, especially in the mornings, without demanding that Severus be the same. The man with flexible morals, an interest in Dark Arts and the virtually banned Old Ways, even if he was an Auror. The man that just last week had joined Severus in brewing an experimental potion for half a day. Then, when the potion almost blew up in their faces, had just shrugged and asked if they should try again the same time next week and that he was certain that some of their ingredients could have been better, and he would take a trip to Nocturn Ally after work and find something better and was there something else Severus wanted from Nocturn when he was there? The man who also put Harry before everyone and everything else and who already had made it clear that he not only understood that it was like that for Severus, but who wholeheartedly agreed, just because Harry was Harry and dear to him.
Tonks, just Tonks.
And undoubtedly a very attractive man now.
Severus already knew he liked Tonks no matter his shape, that he considered Tonks a friend, and now that he also found the other wizard attractive, would it really hurt to try a date, or two? After he had talked with Harry about it, of course. Tonks would no doubt suggest it himself. He was thoughtful like that, Hufflepuff that he was.
“Thank you for telling me,” Severus began, because that was important when someone had laid themselves bare like that. The fact that Severus didn’t much care for niceties, didn’t mean that he didn’t know how or when to use them. “I do understand that it was difficult, and I do understand why you waited. I do not hold waiting against you, and I doubt Harry will either.”
Tonks blew out a breath. “Really? I mean, I have so harped on being his older sister … and I’m not, not really.”
Severus smirked. “You are his older sibling, and don’t let him forget it.”
Tonks laughed a relieved laugh. His voice and laughter were both deeper than before and a bit hoarse. It was a nice voice, a nice laugh. Damn, Severus was actually, truly attracted to him. When was the last time he had felt any attraction at all? Maybe he shouldn’t be so surprised; he already knew and liked Tonks, they already had a history together, that was a very good base for attraction.
“Regarding a date …”
Tonks froze and looked at him.
“If you are certain that you would like to attend the Yule Ball with me, I believe I would very much enjoy your company at that occasion.”
Tonks blinked. “Really, just like that?” He smiled, happiness slipping through, before he frowned, confused.
“We are both adults, we already know each other, what more are there to discuss before a first date?” Severus asked.
“No: ‘you have to keep this shape around me from now on?’ No: ‘I’m really too old for you, but I will give you one chance?’”
Severus sneered. “I know I often state that the magical world is full of dunderheads, but who have you been dating, really?”
Tonks sputtered, then snickered.
“Have you somehow been able to date all the numbskulls all on your own, or did you manage to get one only slightly foolish amongst the rest?”
Tonks laughed, lavender eyes gleaming and face scrunching up in pleasure.
“Truly, what kind of questions are that? It’s true that I most likely never will find your female form sexually attractive. But if one date becomes more, I see no trouble with being around you in your female form, having a normal relationship, just excluding sex for those periods. As for age, if you are interested enough to ask me for a date, knowing me as you do, I hardly think my age, or yours, should be an issue. Truly Tonks, do not meddle so much with the little dolts, let them play together and stay far, far away.”
Tonks laughed again. “I might have been especially unsuccessful when it comes to dates in recent years, and dating while at Hogwarts was no less than excruciating.” He grimaced. “Mum actually sent me to a Mind Healer between my Sixth and Seventh Year, because dating teenagers who saw my ability as a chance to date their dream person, who wasn’t actually me, kind of fucked with my head, a lot.”
Severus refilled their glasses and looked down into his glass for several moments before deciding that he in fact could be a bit candid toward Tonks, because the other man wouldn’t judge, and he had already been very honest towards Severus. Also, he deserved to know, before they went on that date. It could be a possible deal breaker.
“You already know how very … unfortunate … my homelife was,” he said slowly. Tonks nodded and took a sip of wine, not mentioning that they both knew that unfortunate was an enormous understatement. “Because of that I didn’t know how a normal relationship of any kind truly worked. I had had one close friend my whole life, the rest were … alliances at best. So, when the Dark Lord invited me to his bed, after I had just graduated, I didn’t even think about how very unequal and thus unhealthy that relationship was. I felt seen and appreciated for the first time in my life. Both for my ability to brew, he was the one who paid for my Mastery, and for myself. There was no force, mind you, but I was never in any doubt about how exceptionally inferior I was to him in any and all ways. He never, ever, let me forget it, either.
“It took the Mind Healer years to get it through my head that the relationship had been extremely unhealthy. Not for the power imbalance, per se, as people in a relationship seldom are exactly equal in magical power, or other kinds of power. One partner will always have the advantage. No, the difficulty was that he used that, his power - magical, intellectual, social and everything else - against me, to make sure that I never felt anything but far, far below him and the fact that that imbalance hadn’t been discussed and consented to beforehand. It didn’t help that the Dark Lord seized a boy in a vulnerable position, just out of school, and took advantage of his lack of interpersonal relationships.
“Actually, the Mind Healer didn’t get this through my thick skull before I had been Head of House for a few years. That was when she asked me if my answer would be the same if the boy in my situation had been one of my Seventh Years, just on the cusp of adulthood, but still a child, no matter their age. I ranted at her for ten minutes before she managed to ask me what made that situation different from my own. Why would I defend someone from such a situation, if I thought the situation was fine for myself?
“I’m still furious at myself for letting myself be caught in that trap, for what I did in the war, for going to bed with the Dark Lord; all of it. But, I also realise now that I didn’t really stand a chance. I had no one, no family, no friends, no support at all. I was not hard to sway, and he knew very well how. He was a master manipulator; an awkward teenage boy gave him no trouble.” He looked up at Tonks who had listened without making a sound. His eyes were wide, but surprisingly, there was no disgust in those lavender eyes.
“Still want that date now?” He tried to sneer, but it fell flat.
Severus detested that he had fallen for the Dark Lord’s propaganda and into his bed. He detested the Dark Lord’s methods of waging war. The torture of everyone, including his own followers. And the senseless killings, including his own followers and the purebloods he claimed to want to help and preserve. He abhorred the fact that he had been part of any of it.
He absolutely hated that it had been a choice of joining the Dark Lord or watch the society he himself wanted to be a part of dwindle and die. For him it had essentially been a choice of joining the Dark Lord or let Magic die. For him staying neutral, doing nothing, or worse, joining Dumbledore, had meant forsaking Magic. It had meant letting the Muggles find them and eradicate them in time. If not at once, then in a few years or decades, if their development in science and war machinery was allowed to continue unchecked.
He knew better now, knew that while protecting Magic and the Magical World had been the Dark Lord's goal to begin with, he had been far past that and far too gone in madness, before Severus had even joined him. He also knew that, unfortunately, the Dark Lord had been correct regarding the Muggles and the eradication of Magic and any Magical people. The Muggles would find them, sooner or later, and Severus rather suspected it would be sooner, and they would do their best to eradicate the Magical World and its costumes and people, and thus Magic.
Dumbledore seemed to forget that while he fought Grindelwald - far, far too late - the whole of the Muggle world had been in a bigger war than any magical war could ever be. A war where one side of the war actively tried and very much succeeded, to eradicate normal, Muggle humans, because of things like faith, sexuality, and disabilities. That they hadn’t succeeded completely did not mean that the losses hadn’t been severe.
Severus didn’t doubt, even for a moment, that similar extermination camps would be built in a hurry when the Magical World got revealed. The fact that Dumbledore considered Muggles benign and childlike honestly scared Severus; it always had. It was like the man had never met a Muggle in his life. Like he hadn’t paid any attention to the Muggle world since the dark ages when the worst a Muggle could do was terminate one and one magical. It was like he had never heard of either atom bombs or chemical or biological warfare. Maybe he hadn’t. The Dark Lord had; Severus knew. Severus had too, even before he met the Dark Lord for the first time. That was a big part of the reason for joining him, after all.
He had been a scared and confused teenager and it had been an impossible choice, a choice that almost had been taken for him, given his beliefs and his personal situation, or so his Mind Healer had told him. Severus was closer to forgiving that teenager now than he had ever been, but he wasn’t quite there yet.
Even after a horrible war where he had made one bad choice after another, Severus still believed, down in his dark and dank soul, that the Muggles would find and kill them all, if nothing changed. Not that he would let anyone hurt Harry. That would never happen, but their very world … All the people in it. All the wonder. All their history and traditions. All the Magic … It would be gone. Gone completely.
He took a deep breath and focused on Tonks again.
Tonks shrugged. “I pretty much whored my way through my Sixth Year, never looking anything like my own preference, in the hope of finding a connection, almost destroying the friendships I actually had in the process. I don’t have a leg to stand on. I will just put it out there that I believe it’s a good thing that both of us have had some Mind Healing, or this relationship between us would never stand a chance in hell.”
“Extensive Mind Healing, Tonks, years of it. I tried to quit once, after just a year, but the Mind Healer contacted Septima Vector, who I in a moment of pure stupidity had put as my Emergency Contact because someone needed to be. Septima threatened to curse me with so much vigour and imagination that I had no choice but to continue the healing.”
Tonks spluttered and laughed. “I’m sorry, but … you know, that’s pretty much what Charlie, Charlie Weasley, did to me too, when I didn’t want to go back to the Mind Healer after I graduated. He threatened to put his own career on hold to drag me to the Mind Healer twice a week, like Mum and the Healer wanted. I couldn’t let him do that to himself, he already had a much-coveted apprenticeship at the Romanian Dragon Reserve, so I caved and went. He still owled me twice a week to make sure I actually went. Years later he admitted to owling my parents just as often, just to be absolutely certain.”
Severus toasted him. “To healing and healthy relationships, then.”
Tonks toasted him back. “To people who care about our stupid arses.”
Severus couldn’t help it, he laughed. Tonks looked extremely smug.