Standing in your cardigan
Lily Evans had a favourite seat on the bus.
Perfectly normal right? She took the same bus to work at the same time each day, of course she had a favourite seat. A seat she had picked out after careful experimentation and scientific research. There was a strict list of criteria she had come up with, and only a seat that met all her points would be good enough. Could she see out the window? Was she far enough back to avoid the strange man who got on by the park? Could she annotate her books without being asked “What are you reading?”
Could she see Mary Macdonald pulling into the school carpark and getting out her car for as long as possible?
If she was being honest, the last question was the only one she took into consideration. There was a seat a few rows back that had much better leg room and kept her out of the view of the strange park man. It was by the divider in the windows however, meaning that the time she could spend staring, glancing at Mary was cut down by roughly half.
Lily hadn’t sat back there since she discovered this.
The bus this morning was quiet, not many people wanted to risk getting stuck in the storm. Or, supposed storm. The weather hadn’t quite decided what it was going to do, seemingly stuck on the edge of a thunderstorm, but almost nervous to start, to make that first crash. As such, it was simply grey, the whole town holding its breath in anticipation. Lily felt much the same. Remus always told her she took her job too seriously, “Pathetic fallacy is made up for films Lils, everyone knows that.” And yet, Lily found herself taking comfort in the weather, looking up at the sky and finding her feelings staring back at her from the clouds. It gave her comfort, if something as huge as the sky was nervous then she could be too.
In this particular case, Lily thought her nerves were perfectly validated. She had after all spent the most money on a Christmas present for her coworker, her stunning coworker. She’d told Remus it was a spur of the moment decision, something she’d happened to have seen and bought on a whim.
He’d raised one eyebrow and she’d cracked.
She’d paced up and down his lounge for the better part of an hour, explaining how she’d had the idea the first time she’d noticed Mary’s eyes straying to the tattoo on her left wrist and couldn’t let it go. (Yes, that had been the first time they met, what did it matter.) She’d practically torn her hair out as she explained the struggle of finding someone who would make one of these lights for her. She agonised for hours over which flower to do; her personal favourite was a lily of the valley, but would that be too on the nose? In the end she’d decided to go for it, it would look nice next to the Tangled flower Mary had in her cupboard.
Remus, the bastard, had been no help at all. His only suggestion was to talk to Mary, maybe even ask her to coffee or something. Lily had thrown a cushion at him. She couldn’t do that, was he insane? Every time she’d tried to talk to Mary, she had either run into her, literally, or got so intimidated she turned the corner as soon as Mary looked at her. Then of course, there was the time Lily had missed her bus because she’d got too far too distracted by the way the sun lit up Mary’s curls as if they were a halo.
She and Remus had agreed never to bring that one up again.
Despite walking further than she had for months in laps around Remus’ lounge, Lily found herself on the bus for the first day of term with no answer to her question. Had Mary liked her secret santa? It wasn’t like Lily could have asked, she didn’t have Mary’s number (a fact drunk her had complained at great length about). She was stuck - not even Minnie, the traitor, would tell her. Lily knew for a fact that McGonagall knew, the old woman had told her that she knew Mary.
Betrayal of the highest order.
Lily was essentially flying blind, she had absolutely no way of knowing if her gift had been taken well, she didn’t care if Mary had figured out the note (the thought had kept her awake at nights), Lily needed to know if Mary had at least liked the gift. The bus turned the final corner before her stop and Lily debated not getting off, it was the first day of term, the kids would probably delight at having no proper work set.
Her thoughts drifted to golden jewellery and paintbrushes tucked in curls and Lily felt her rebelliousness crumble. She’d gone a whole two weeks on nothing but memories of Mary, and try as she might, Lily simply couldn’t recreate the specific way Mary’s voice sounded when she hummed.
Lily clicked the stop button and stood up, drawing her cardigan tighter around her. It had been a gift from Remus after he’d got sick of Lily stealing his sweaters and Lily adored it. It was soft and warm and just the right shade to not wash her out and Lily was sure Remus must have sold his soul for it because it was just so perfect. As she stepped off the bus, Lily found herself wondering if Mary would like it too. She hoped so.
-✿-
Halfway through Dumbledore’s rambling and frankly painful “Welcome Back” speech, Lily was regretting her decision to get off the bus. How the man kept his job was beyond her, everything he’d said in the past 10 minutes was probably enough to get the school closed by OFSTED, he had seemingly no regard for student safety. Lily was biting her lip to stop herself laughing at the look on Minnie’s face as he came out with another useless proposal.
She found her eyes wondering the sea of equally disinterested adults, each one experiencing a different form of grief. The only person who looked remotely happy was Pandora, back from leave, who was staring intently a spot just to Lily’s right with a look of fierce concentration. She caught Lily’s eye and gave her a dazzling smile, pointing to the same spot. Lily turned to see…absolutely nothing, unless you counted the sweet wrapped trampled into the carpet. Lily turned back to her, confused, and Pandora simply shook her head fondly. She mouthed something that took Lily a few repetitions to figure out.
“Fairies.”
Lily simply smiled and turned back to where Dumbledore was now rambling about the forest just outside of school grounds and the possibility of getting some groups of students to “explore”. She had to shove nearly her entire fist in her mouth to stop herself laughing at the way Minnie seems to cycle through seven stages of grief in less than 30 seconds. Lily decided whatever Dumbledore wasn’t worth listening to and busied herself trying to count the bricks on the wall.
267 bricks later, Lily was forced back down to earth by the door slamming open. She jumped, and turned to see who on earth would be rude enough to make her lose count. She set eyes on the figure in the doorway and found her heart racing again for an altogether different reason.
There, with a wild halo of curls, her bag falling off one shoulder, a smear of what could either be oil or paint on her cheek and her socks falling down her ankles, was Mary MacDonald.
Lily didn’t think she’d ever seen anyone look more beautiful.
Mary looked sheepish, blush colouring the top of her cheeks. She muttered a quiet “Sorry” and sat down in the first available seat. The first available seat that happened to be directly in front of Lily. So close in fact, that Lily could see the edges of what appeared to be fairy wings, spread across her shoulders and back where her t-shirt had got pulled. Lily swallowed; her mouth oddly dry. The way Mary dressed had caught her eye on day one and she’d never really stopped looking. If Lily was Autumn, then Mary was Spring, all pastel toned dressed that looked glorious against her dark skin.
The only change in Mary’s unofficial uniform was the base layer. All winter she had been layering white turtlenecks under her dresses, her lanyard sitting comfortable around her neck. There had been one memorable occasion when Mary had forgone the base layer, instead wearing a cardigan over the thin straps of her dress. Lily had happened to look over right as Mary had leaned over to pick up some printing and had been treated to the sight of her cardigan slipping off her shoulder, exposing her collarbones and the way her necklace disappeared down her chest.
Lily had chocked so thoroughly on her tea that Minnie had been about three seconds away from performing the Heimlich Manoeuvre.
Today was only marginally better. Mary’s dress was a stunning pastel floral pattern, making the gold of her jewellery stand out beautifully. Her t-shirt was pulled to one side where it had presumably got caught by her seatbelt and there was a hole in the back of her tights. Not that Lily cared, all these tiny flaws added character, told a story of something so Mary that she wanted to take it and hold it safe.
The sounds of people standing up pulled Lily harshly from her thoughts. With a jolt, she realised she was still in a staff meeting, a staff meeting where she had been publicly fascinated by the back of her coworker’s dress. She felt herself blush scarlet, right to the roots of her hair and stood up quickly, avoiding eye contact with anyone else. Lily picked up her bag and looked up.
Only to stumble back into her seat once again.
Her saving grace throughout the year so far was that Mary wore long dresses. The dress would flow slightly when she walked and hit around her shins. Always.
It seemed however, that over the Christmas Break, Mary had decided to change that. Her dress was shorter now, tighter too, Lily realised as her mouth went dry. Neither of these changes was enough to get Mary in trouble, the dress was still respectable enough. It was however, just tight enough to show off the curve of her waist, and just short enough to drive Lily insane.
She was going to have to quit her job.
There was no possible way she could be expected to do her job when Mary was across the corridor. She would have to leave; how could she walk down the corridor now when at any moment she could confronted by that. She wouldn’t cope, at least with the longer dresses she could pretend Mary had scales or something.
She didn’t. Lily had seen. Oh god, she had seen.
-✿-
Lily’s morning lessons went off without a hitch. She spent the first hour showing Tangled, and then got her students to write their own story based off their favourite part of the film. It was an exercise she’d seen one of her teachers do in her first year of teacher training and had fallen in love with it. She thought it was the perfect way to start a new term, not only did her students get eased in with a film, but she got to learn a bit about how they thought. She could see which parts of the film stuck out to the students, which parts stuck with them. Reading whatever they produced was Lily’s favourite part of the assignment.
She tried to tell herself she’d picked the film because she knew it was child friendly, something she know they’d like and provided plenty of ideas to write about. One glimpse of the mural Mary had painted of the lantern scene tore that excuse in half.
Still, it kept Lily’s mind on the film and spelling the word “princess” about seventeen times. It also allowed her to text Remus under the table about this world altering catastrophe and how she would have no choice but to hand in her notice if this was to be Mary’s new wardrobe. Remus, ever the source of comfort and wisdom, told Lily to get a grip and get back to teaching. Lily in turn reminded him of his reaction when Sirius started wearing eyeliner and got his tongue pierced.
Remus was much more sympathetic all of a sudden.
-✿-
Despite her very best efforts, Lily did have to leave her classroom throughout the day. She’d waited until the last 15 minutes of lunch before deciding she was safe to venture to the staff room. She was stirring the last of the honey into her tea when the door opened behind her.
“Hi.”
Lily dropped her spoon. She knew that voice, she’d been thinking about it for weeks, warm and rich like spring. Mary. She turned around, subconsciously smoothing down her shirt. “Hello.” Lily gave her a smile that was probably far too nervous for coworkers who barely knew each other. “Good holiday?” Her words were rushed, and she knew it. Still, Lily was desperate to keep Mary talking, to find some common ground they could build on in the future.
Mary glanced Lily up and down before replying. “Yeah, yeah it was good. Me and Marlene nearly burnt down the flat trying to cook pigs in blankets.” The fondness in her voice made Lily feel sick, it was almost the same way she talked about Remus she was sure, but with something hidden in it.
“M-Marlene?” Despite her best efforts, her voice cracked around the name.
Mary nodded enthusiastically, “She runs the garage a few streets over, I got her to fix my car and we’ve never really looked back.” Lily felt something ugly curl around her heart. “She’s my best mate, although I’m convinced some days she’s trying to kill me.” Mary laughed again and this time Lily joined her, relief making her feel light.
My best mate.
“You?” Mary asked with a smile in her voice.
Lily paused, she couldn’t tell Mary that she’d spent her holidays stressing over whether or not she liked her present. Not yet anyway, hopefully. “It was good, yeah,” She nodded, desperately trying to think of something to say. “Remus, he’s my Marlene,” Mary nodded, and Lily tried to tell herself the relief in her eyes was a trick of the light, “He came over and helped me with my books – I broke my last bookshelf.” Mary laughed softly and Lily felt her whole world shift. Mary laughed and Lily knew it was a sound she’d be chasing for the rest of her life, if she could catch it and bottle it, she would.
“He also gave me this cardigan.” Lily held up her arms to show it better, suddenly desperate for Mary’s opinion. Mary stepped forward, her eyes tracing the patterns on it. Lily had been searching without success for a Folklore Cardigan for months. She’d checked resale sights and merch websites for hours at a time, often complaining to Remus at length when she was unsuccessful, or the one she found was so far out of her price range it was unbelievable. She had just about given up hope when Remus Lupin, the most wonderful man, has shown up at her door three days before Christmas with a parcel in brown paper and a wonky smile.
Lily showed off the cardigan now, spinning to show Mary the details. She drew special attention to the stars on the sleeves, and the tiny lily Remus had added to the label. As she showed off the Cardigan, Mary stepped forward, all her focus on Lily. She was sure she could feel Mary’s gaze on her. Lily shivered slightly. Mary took another step closer.
Closer.
Closer.
She stopped so close that Lily could smell her perfume. Mary smelt of jasmine, citrus and something that made Lily desperate for more, to taste. She got even closer, close enough for Lily to see the smudge of paint on her cheekbone. Without thinking Lily reached up to brush it off. Her fingers brushed Mary’s cheek and they froze. The whole world seemed to pause around them, nothing else existed apart from where her fingers rested on Mary’s cheek. Lily took a breath in, “You’ve got some…um, some paint,” She moved her finger needlessly over the spot, “There.” She finished somewhat breathlessly.
Mary simply nodded; her eyes fixed on Lily. She moved her thumb over the paint slightly and Mary’s breath hitched, her cheeks turning pink. Lily held her breath as she rubbed the last smudge away. She had a feeling this was something new, something delicate. The last of the paint rubbed off and yet Lily couldn’t bring herself to drop her hand. Instead, she moved it slightly, bringing her hand up to cup Mary’s jaw.
Neither of them breathed.
They made eye contact and Lily realised for the first time the colour of Mary’s eyes. They weren’t quite brown where the sun hit them, they were almost golden. Lily found herself staring at them, getting lost in them. She looked and wondered how she would ever make herself stop looking. Mary didn’t look away and Lily leant forward unconsciously, so close their noses almost brushed. Lily felt as though she was standing at the edge of a very sharp drop, and what she did next would determine whether she flew or fell.
A leap of faith.
She mentally counted to three, prepared to make the jump and see where she would land. Just as she got to three, a door nearby slammed shut. The sound shattered whatever bubble they had found themselves in. Mary jumped and took a few steps back, seemingly just registering where she was. Her eyes darted around the room before she turned and left, never looking back at Lily.
Lily stayed frozen where she was, arm still raised, the ghost of Mary still on her fingertips. She stayed like that until the bell rang, reminding her sharply that she had a job to do, lessons to teach. She shook herself and picked up her (now cold) tea before heading back to class. The bitter taste of rejection followed her footsteps.
-✿-
“Remus,” Lily turned the phone to speaker and threw it somewhere on her bed. She hung her jacket up and collapsed ungracefully on the bed as well. “Remus?”
“Yeah?” Remus’ voice was slightly muffled, her phone had gotten lost under her mountain of pillows then. Lily preferred it like that, if she closed her eyes, Remus felt closer. It was her favourite part of phone calls; she wasn’t at Remus’, and she wasn’t at his. They existed in this space, just the two of them. Thoughts came easier to her in this in-between space.
“I was going to kiss her.”
“I know.” There was no pity in Remus’ voice, simply an understanding. He’d been friends with Sirius first after all.
Lily paused, weighing her next words, “I still want to kiss her.” The admission tasted bittersweet.
“I know.”
Neither of them said anything for a while, they just existed in their shared space. Lily got up to light a candle, the light and smell provided a source of comfort she couldn’t quite explain. She could hear Remus talking softly to someone, Sirius probably. Lily could hear the softness in her voice and smiled to herself. The ache that followed was harder to squash down. She tuned out the rest of their conversation, Remus would speak to her when he had something to say. She turned on a record instead, turning the volume right down and getting back into bed.
The familiar sounds of Folklore filtered through the room and Lily closed her eyes. She distantly registered Remus finishing his conversation and settling down himself. It was a tradition now; they would simply exist on the phone until they had reached a solution.
A few songs had passed before Remus broke the silence. “Lils?”
Lily hummed.
“Valentines is next week; you could always do something.” Remus spoke almost hurriedly, like he had a plan.
Lily sat up; her thoughts rapidly pulled back to the present. “Like what?”
“Well, it’s just a thought,” Remus began in a way that made it clear this wasn’t just-a-thought at all. “Keep talking to her more, and then ask if she wants to do coffee-”
“- Remus, no offense, I don’t think coffee is the revolutionary idea I needed.”
Remus sighed down the phone, “If you’d let me finish. Invite her for coffee on Valentine’s Day itself, like, ask her in the morning.”
Lily dug her phone out from under the pillow, she could almost see where Remus was going with this.
“Ask her really casual, as if it just occurred to her and you don’t know what day it is.” He paused, “If she agrees, if, you’ll have one of three answers.”
“Three?” Lily couldn’t help but interrupt, “Surely if she goes out with me, she likes me?”
She could feel Remus roll his eyes. “No, you will have three options. Option one, she says yes out of pity…or she says no.”
Lily shuddered, “I don’t like option one.”
“Neither do I,” Remus sounded suitably sympathetic. “Option two is she says yes but just like friends getting coffee and doesn’t realise the date. Unlikely I’ll be honest.”
“I don’t like option two either, I was hoping for an upside to this plan Rem,” Lily knew she was close to sounding whiny, Remus was trying to help at least.
“Which is option three. Option three is she realises the date and dresses and thinks of it as a date – which is what you will be doing.”
“Ooh,” Lily picked her phone up and began pacing, “I like option three.”
Remus laughed down the phone, “I thought you would.”
“So, just to get this clear,” She continued to pace, her thoughts whirling with possibilities, “I’m talking to her all week-”
“-And flirting.”
Lily paused momentarily, “And flirting, ok. Then on Valentines, I ask her out for coffee as if I have no idea the day and the ideas just occurred to me?”
“Yes.”
“Even though I know exactly what the day is and I’m treating it like a date, hoping she will too?”
“Exactly.” Remus’ confidence was catching, and Lily found herself nodding along.
She had a plan.