Firewhisky and Feelings
Sirius couldn't sleep. It probably should be expected. It had been a particularly difficult day. Very emotional. Harry had seemed ready to blow up at someone for hours and Sirius had spent much of his day watching him carefully.
And then the kids had had their history lesson and all hell had broken loose. They had been comparing what the muggles called World War Two and the war against Grindelwald. And the wixen raised had been horrified to learn just what the muggles had done to their own.
Sirius doubted they’d ever underestimate muggles again. He still felt slightly sick from what he’d heard.
He climbed out of bed and pulled a dressing gown on before leaving his room. He made his way to an empty drawing room where he knew there was a drinks cabinet that had a good selection of alcoholic beverages. A nightcap was exactly what he needed.
He was surprised to find Severus still up, sat by the fire with a glass of firewhisky on the coffee table in front of him. He hadn't noticed Sirius yet, his head buried in a book.
"Alright, Snape?" he said, his voice a little hoarse. He was frustrated to find that he felt nervous. Almost shy to find himself alone with Snape. But also a little giddy.
Severus sat up a little straighter, confused that Sirius had taken him by surprise. He was a spy. It wasn't often he missed someone entering a room. "Yes, just reading."
He bit the inside of his cheek. What a stupid thing to say. Obviously he was reading. He had a bloody book in his hand, didn't he?
"I couldn't sleep," Sirius admitted, pulling the bottle of firewhisky from the cabinet and pouring himself a rather large glass, before wandering over to the fireside, bottle in hand. He put the bottle down on the coffee table and sat next to Severus on the sofa. It was a conscious decision. He could have chosen the armchair but he wanted to be close to the other man. He had no idea why he was suddenly so drawn to him, but Severus was interesting. He'd always been interesting - even in school. Although, Sirius had been a bit of a bully to him. He tried to remember why he'd done that. He'd always said it was because the other man was dark. But so was he. Even if he didn't like admitting it. Especially as a kid.
Was he supposed to apologise? He probably should but would the man even want to hear it? And Sirius couldn't help but fear it might damage what little peace they'd found.
Severus hummed, closing his book.
"It's been a hell of a day," Sirius groaned, knocking back his drink before leaning back with a sigh.
"You're not wrong there," Severus said, pouring them both a second drink.
"I just don't know how to feel about all this," Sirius admitted. "Harry has been through so much and we're only half way through his third year. How am I supposed to be his parent? I don't fucking know what I'm doing."
"I don't think most parents do. It's mostly trial and error. Usually, by the time you've had a few, you know a little about what not to do."
That made sense. Make all your mistakes with the first and the rest should be easier. It didn't seem right though. And Sirius didn't really intend to have other children. "It's going to be so weird when we go back. I'm going to have an eleven year old son who is mentally seventeen," Sirius groaned. "How does that even work?"
Severus shook his head. He really didn't know.
"I was really fucked up when I was his age," Sirius said softly. "But you know that better than anyone."
Severus politely declined to answer that.
"And worse is, I'm not sure I'm much better now. Azkaban has done a number on me and I'd be a complete wreck without that potion of yours." Sirius took a sip of his drink. "I'm probably not a good role model at the best of times but this me - the one that's spent a decade in Azkaban - has no business being a parent."
"There's no changing that though," Severus said, eyeing the other man speculatively. "Unless you plan to abandon him."
"No. Never. I'm just scared shitless I'm going to mess this up."
"I think all parents feel that way."
"Probably," Sirius said. "But I have good reason."
"Yes. But you're not alone. You've got your grandfather and the rest of the Blacks. Plus you have the wolf." He hesitated. He really wanted to add himself to that list but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Instead, he drained the rest of his drink and stood. "I should probably head to bed."
Sirius nodded. This was awkward. But he liked Severus. That was something he'd realised in the chamber. But if they were ever going to be... well, anything... he needed to put their past to bed so to speak. He almost blushed at the idea of Severus and a bed. "You probably don't want to hear this," he began, causing Severus to stop and turn so that his back was now to the door. "But I am sorry. It doesn't fix it. And I'm not sure how much an apology matters to you. But I really am sorry for everything I did to you."
Severus nodded. Not trusting himself to speak. A part of him wanted to rage at the other man. Another part wanted to cower away and pretend this conversation never happened. But mostly he wanted to accept the apology. If he could trust it. "Thank you," he said eventually before turning his back on the other man and escaping the room, his cloak billowing behind him.
Sirius sighed, drinking a little more before turning in. Tomorrow was bound to be just as difficult as today and he needed to get as much sleep as possible so he could help Harry through it.