Remus was always proud of who he was. Most of him, at least. He knew he was gay since he was eleven, and came out just as nonchalantly as ever. Even if people weren’t happy with him being gay, that didn’t matter to him. He was happy, and that was all that he cared about.
Sirius on the other hand, also knew he was gay since he was eleven, but decided to completely ignore that. He wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed, per se, but still felt like something was off. He wouldn’t dream of coming out so effortlessly like Remus did, but if he was being honest, he was a bit jealous of Remus. He always seemed to not give a fuck about what other people thought about him. Sirius wished that was the case for him. He’d act like he didn’t care, but Merlin, how it bothered him.
Sirius would ignore Remus’ stares in his direction. He would ignore the subtle hints Remus would make towards the fact that he might like Sirius. He would show no emotion that he was feeling that one feeling of jealousy that struck him so aggressively whenever Remus would go out with another guy. And so Remus lost all hope.
But one Saturday afternoon, a few days before Hogwarts was let off for the summer for 6th year, the Gryffindor common room decided to have a party. It was James’ idea, of course, and everyone else followed him. And James knew how to organise a party. He knew what activities were needed, he knew what drinks or snacks were to be served, he knew what the people wanted to dance to. He knew everything. Which was why he decided to suggest a game of Truth or Dare.
—
“Moony, truth or dare?” James slurred at Remus, sipping on a green liquid in his cup.
The Marauders, plus the girls, were all sitting on the floor beside the fireplace. The party had died down and some people were already back up in their dorms. Peter had his head propped up on his arms, trying not to fall asleep, as James kept pushing coffee (with a bit of his own proprietary blend in it) in his hands to help him stay awake. Marlene, Lily and Mary had formed a small circle where each girl braided the girls’ hair that was in front of her. Sirius was sitting cross-legged, leaning against the couch, across from Remus, as Remus was asked the question.
“I don’t want to partake in this, James, I told you already.” Remus sighed. He was too tired for this.
“Oh come on, Moony! Everyone else had a go!” James pleaded. The girls nodded in agreement.
Remus sighed again. “Truth.”
“Booooring. Pick dare!” James persuaded.
“I thought I got to make my own decisions!” Remus flopped his hands up. James gave him a look. “Dare.” Remus mumbled.
“I dare you…” Dramatic pause as James looks around the room at all his friends, “To kiss…” Another pause. Remus wished he would just get this over with. With a strange feeling, Remus already knew what James was going to say. “Sirius.”
Sirius immediately choked on the fire whiskey that he just took a gulp of. That woke Peter up and he looked up at Sirius and his friends around him like a dazed and confused baby deer that lost its mother.
“James.” Remus spoke. He made sure to use his serious tone. The one his father uses whenever he’s mad.
“What? It’s just a dare!” James exclaimed. You could see him trying his very best not to smile.
Sirius was now struggling to breathe, still choking and coughing on the fire whiskey. Marlene had to slap him on the back for him to be able to breathe again.
“Cheers, McKinnon.” Sirius croaked. She nodded, and turned back to braiding Lily’s hair.
“Listen, Sirius doesn’t want to do it James.” Remus said, gesturing towards the struggling-to-stay-alive Sirius.
“Oi, I never said I didn’t. Don’t blame this on me.” Sirius put up his hands. Remus whipped his head around to give Sirius the same death-stare.
“Do it! Do it! Do it!” James started a chant. Remus wanted nothing more than to punch his beloved friend in the face right now. The girls joined in on the chant, and eventually, so did Peter.
“Come on. Let’s get this over with.” Remus declared tiredly, and motioned for Sirius to come over to him. Sirius shared a last look with James, and quickly scooted his way to Remus.
The kiss was unexpected, to say the least. It was quick, but with passion. Like Sirius waited his whole life to do this, and Remus waited to receive it. Remus dreamed of his first time kissing Sirius ever since he came to terms that he has a crush on him, but this kiss felt weird. As if this was Sirius’ first kiss, which Remus knew to not be true. There were too many girlfriends in the past for this to be Sirius’ first. He felt stiff, but at the same time limp to Remus’ touch.
They broke off after about three seconds. It wasn’t nearly as long as Remus hoped, but right now wasn’t the time to live out his fantasies with all his friends eagerly watching him.
Sirius walked back over to where he sat before, and James grinned at him. Sirius looked lost. As if his brain was off in another place, and his body was just acting on auto-pilot.
“What was the point of this?” Remus muttered quietly, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “I’m off to bed.” He declared loudly enough for his friends to hear him.
“Night, Remus.” The girls chimed.
“See you, Moons.” James mumbled. He was looking at Sirius.
—
The next day Remus was busying himself with packing away his stuff to go home for the summer holidays. There were just three more days at Hogwarts, so he decided to get on with his packing early. As he was putting a pair of mis-matched socks into his trunk, there was a knock on the door.
“Yeah?”
“Hiya.” Sirius breathed. Remus turned around from his trunk and his breath hitched.
“Hey.” He responded. He turned back to his socks.
“I, er, wanted to talk about yesterday,” Sirius said quietly. Remus realised he was nervous.
“Mhm?” But he wouldn’t give Sirius the satisfaction of paying much attention to him. After all, he spent 4 years feeling that way, why shouldn’t Sirius?
“It was really stupid of Prongs to say that.” Sirius continued. Remus nodded, folding up a sweater. “But, er, I realised I actually wanted to do it.”
Remus stopped breathing for a second, but didn’t let it show. He didn’t speak.
“And er…I just came here to say that.” Sirius finished.
Remus knew he was only struggling like this because Remus wasn’t paying attention to him. He would’ve been more confident if Remus was actually looking at him, but Remus didn’t want that. He spent 4 years feeling neglected, and feeling like he had to impress Sirius, so now it was Sirius’ turn.
“Right.” Remus spoke blankly.
“Er, yeah.” Sirius sighed. “Would you look at me, Moony?”
“I’m kind of busy with pa-“
His sentence was cut off by the brisk feeling of Sirius’ lips on his. Second kiss, and it only gets better from here. Sirius tasted like butter beer and smoke. And he somehow tasted like confidence too, which was quite ironic in this situation. This kiss was longer than the last. Both had to struggle with not breathing, because both didn’t want to pull away. Remus’ hand made its way through Sirius’ long dark hair, up to his jaw. Sirius copied Remus’ hand and put his own on Remus’ cheek. Suddenly, Sirius broke off.
“I…” He struggled. Remus looked him dead in the eyes. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“It’s alright.” Remus spoke softly. It really was alright.
Sirius sighed, shaking his head. “It’s just so confusing. I’m so confused.”
Remus tried to be supportive, but didn’t understand what Sirius was saying. Snogging is confusing? Remus had about 10 arguments to say the opposite, but he kept quiet. Sirius sighed again.
“I just…”
Remus nodded, encouraging him to speak.
“I wish you were a girl.”
You could hear Remus’ heart being broken in two. His world fell apart.
He blinked at the boy he’d had a crush on for the past four years.
“Fuck off.” He said, his voice hoarse and rough.
“What? Moony, no, I was just saying-“
“Fuck. Off.”
Sirius stared into Remus’ eyes. Remus didn’t dare look away — it would mean he wasn’t serious. But he was. He wanted Sirius to leave. Sirius was first to pull away his stare. He sighed.
“Sorry. I didn’t meant to kiss you. It just sorta happened.” He whispered.
Remus exhaled loudly, scaring Sirius a bit. Good. Let him be scared.
Remus turned back to his sweater.
“Leave, Black.” He said. He made sure he sounded confident and strong.
“I’m sorry.” Sirius repeated.
“Leave.”
“You okay?”
“Fine.”
“You don’t look fine.”
“No shit.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’ve said.”
“I just want to make sure you understand.”
“Do you understand?”
“Huh?”
Remus turned around from his suitcase and faced Sirius.
“Four years, Sirius. Four years. I’ve waited for you. I’ve waited for you to come to terms with yourself, because I understand,” While he was speaking, James walked into the room. He came in to ask Remus if he knew where Sirius is, and apparently, he does. Remus noticed James but didn’t care at this point. He’d already started on his rant.
“I sometimes feel like you know that, you know that I’ve been waiting. It feels like you’re just playing jokes on me. We have a deep conversation, and I think it’s finally possible, but then you go and do some stupid shit like shag a random girl you haven’t even talked to before.” Remus sighed. He didn’t even know what to say anymore. He wanted to hurt Sirius, but he also didn’t. “You know how much it hurts to hear ‘i wish you were a girl’? It hurts so fucking much, Sirius. Especially when I can’t help not being a girl.”
“I. Er, I’m…sorry.” Sirius croaked.
Remus actually laughed. “Yeah, cheers, that makes me feel so much better. Asshole.” He turned back around and threw in his sweater, not bothering to fold it up for what seemed like the tenth time.
Sirius stood there for a minute. Remus continued packing his clothes. James kept glancing between the two of them, not being able to make up his mind on whether he should go, or stay to make sure Remus doesn’t explode.
“I’m just…” Sirius started again. “I dunno. Confused. About myself.”
“I know that Sirius. I tried to understand. But I don’t. I give up.” Remus spat, throwing in a hat with such force that it makes a loud thumping noise as it lands in the suitcase.
“It would just be easier if you were a girl, you know?” Sirius said. Right as he finished, he regretted it.
“Sirius, what the fuck?” James said softly.
Sirius jumped as he realised James was behind him.
“No, I just mean…it doesn’t feel right.” Sirius tried to explain. Idiotically.
“Doesn’t feel right?” James widened his eyes.
“Well no, that’s not what I mean obviously. I just…” Sirius started rambling. He trailed off as Remus pushed past his shoulder to walk out the door.
The door slammed behind Remus and that was that.
—
“Remus?”
It was two days until the end of 6th year, and Remus was sitting at his desk, reading one of the books that was assigned as summer work.
Remus didn’t answer. Sirius was at the door.
“I just want to talk to you.”
Remus didn’t respond again. Sirius sighed and walked over to Remus’ bed which was beside the desk. He sat down and the bed squeaked, causing Remus to look up.
“Hi, Moony.” Sirius chirped at Remus. Remus turned back to his book without a response.
“I have planned out what I was going to say. Well,” He sighed again, “James planned it out. Alright, whatever. So, I’m very sorry about everything I did yesterday. From kissing you to telling you…well, you know. Very sorry. I’m an idiot.”
Remus snorted.
There was a sound like a shuffling of paper and Sirius started reading something out.
“Remus, I’m incredibly sorry. I messed up, and my heedless comment was inexcusable. It was insensitive, and I understand how much it hurt you. I never should have said something so thoughtless after finally realising what’s been between us for years. You deserve more respect and consideration than that. I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me. I value what we have, and I never meant to jeopardise it with my inconsiderate words.”
Remus breathed heavily out of his nose. None of that made him feel better. It was so obvious James wrote all that out for Sirius to say. Sirius didn’t even think for himself after his fuck up.
Sirius understood. Remus didn’t have to say anything, but Sirius knew.
“Ugh, I’m sorry, James made me say all that.”
Remus didn’t make any movements. He was still “reading”.
“Alright, I’m just going to speak from heart.” Sirius inhaled. “I didn’t mean to say what I said. I’m just incredibly confused and I know I already said that, many times, but I am really. I know I’m not one to use this as an excuse, but my family…the Noble House of Black…it’s all…you know. Bullshit. That I believe. Believed. Not anymore. Er.. so yeah. I don’t want to be ashamed anymore. I like how you look at yourself. You don’t give a shit. I wish I was like that. I like that about you. I like you.”
Remus wasn’t reading anymore. His eyes were on the book, but he’s never been listening to Sirius like he was right now.
Sirius made a pause to see if Remus would react to that last statement, but Remus was very stubborn and didn’t show any signs of being surprised, happy, nothing.
“So. Yeah. I’m…ready.” Sirius made an another pause. Then he sighed. “I’m sorry. I can’t be saying that right after I hurt you. I’m such an idiot.”
“My idiot.”
Remus’ lips crash into Sirius’ and they melt into each other with a spark that wasn’t there before. This kiss speaks volume. It is a gentle, yet passionate exchange, a silent acknowledgment of their shared history and willingness to move beyond the pain. Remus, still carrying the weight of hurt, slowly heals as Sirius wordlessly apologises more and more with kisses. The two lose themselves in each other’s embrace, and completely block out the rest of the world until James bellows loudly,
“YOU MADE UP!”
The two break off and Sirius grins at James nodding, while Remus puts a hand around Sirius’ waist and pulls him towards himself, a silent “yes.” Peter was standing beside James, smiling, looking between Sirius and Remus.
“You bastards!” James uttered before rushing in to hug them both, Peter joining in. “You had us worried!”
“Padfoot just had to make drama.” Remus rolled his eyes. Sirius looked up at him through the tangle or arms with a loving grin, and Remus smiled back.
They truly made up.
But Remus will never stop teasing Sirius because of the amount of times he called himself an idiot during their fight.