Naked

Now that I was standing in front of that white door I know so well, I hesitate.

That white door with that stupid, crooked heart that he painted on that damn door as soon as he set foot in that house, and I know that because he told me, because he told me everything.

Start feeling the hesitation take over all my senses.

I feel a gust of wind pass by me and the cold shakes my bones, I look back, I see my footprints marked in the snow and I wonder if I could just walk back through them to the comfort of my apartment.

I turned back to the door, ringing the bell before I lost my compulsion and feeling anxiety begin to take over my body, making me tap my fingers repeatedly on my own arm.

It's not like I don't know what's on the other side, that I'm afraid of what's on the other side.

I'm afraid of what will happen if I go to the other side.

I didn't know I would do this at some point in my life, honestly, until 2 and a half years ago, I didn't even have a hope that I would have my happy ending.

I mean, I lived a good life, I work with something I like, I don't keep in touch with my family — except Sirius and Andromeda, I talk to them regularly — I had a good place to live, some close friends and people who really liked me. they cared about me. I didn't have bad days as often as before and now I could just move on and close the chapter on what my past was.

And I closed it.

I do things that I really enjoy, like playing the piano and traveling the world, I write fantasy books for work, for God's sake, I feel genuinely good.

I just didn't see myself having a future with anyone, I can barely maintain friendly relationships, I've always been very closed off, so I got used to the idea of dying alone, which isn't exactly a happy ending.

But then James Potter appeared in my life.

He appeared as someone who didn't want anything, he was the best friend of my brother's new boyfriend, Remus Lupin, and he began to infiltrate my group of friends very quickly, being a naturally charismatic person, he captivated everyone quickly and became an active member in all our meetings.

And even I, who am known for having a heart of ice, with walls around as high as ConpenHill, didn't survive his charm, we always ended up talking and laughing.

At first, I'm sure James saw me as a challenge, even though he wouldn't admit it out loud, all of our friends talked about how closed I was to romantic relationships, and that no one could infiltrate my heart.

Then Evan joked "Not even you, James, could achieve such a feat"

The problem is that James took it too seriously, and because of that unfortunate comment, I went through 4 months of torture.

James literally chased me, he always showed up wherever I was, with bad flirtations, flowers, chocolates, books, paints, for God's sake, he gave me a damn cat because I once said I thought they were cute, but I didn't. courage to take one.

James literally used every joke he could think of, completely removed his filter and said things so absurd it gives me a headache just thinking about them.

He talked to Sirius, asking permission to go out with me, he got all the possible tips from my friends, because some of them were betting in his favor, because yes, there were bets.

Peter, Barty, and Lily—those damn perverts—made a fucking list of all the highlights that would probably attract me to James, which resulted in things like "Your six-pack looks like it was sculpted by gods, use that to your advantage." , "He's got a thing for tongue piercings, because that little metal ball works wonders for any oral, get one" — he did, and I'm forever grateful for that, but I'll never admit it — or "Tease him until your limit, it will tempt him to give in", and he actually did what they said, I can't say it didn't work.

And then Marlene and Sirius — those idiots in love — made a list that was less lewd and more romantic, they wanted me to not only desperately want to give it to James Potter because he's hot, but also because he's one of the best people we've all ever seen. We know.

So there were some items like "He loves the stars, because he's a fucking narcissist, take him to see them", "He likes to see new places, take him to a beautiful place" and "He loves sunflowers, he thinks they're beautiful the shade of yellow, and identifies with them, because they are always seeking the light, give him sunflowers as a gift", which resulted in him taking me to spend a day in a sunflower field that I didn't even know existed, we had a picnic and he made us stay until night to see the stars.

And that's one of my favorite memories in the whole world, because he was adorable that day, and on top of that, the stars were so beautiful without all that pollution, you could see so many of them, that to this day, 1 year and 5 months Afterwards, it's still my cell phone wallpaper.

Of course there were bad parts too, James has a complete lack of sense of personal space, and forgets that not everyone is as comfortable with touch as he is, so it took a long time for him to learn when he could touch me and how he could touch me.

I grew up in an abusive home, it was natural for me to have a certain rejection of touch and be more closed off to this kind of thing, but he didn't completely understand, because even though Sirius had his moments, he is more open about it than I am, and he spends completely unnecessary time with Sirius and Remus to learn how clingy Sirius can be.

I don't blame him for acting this way, for it being so difficult for him to control his emotional impulses, he grew up in a loving and very, very, very physical home, so he is always looking for touch, always touching people all the time.

There was also his insistence that irritated me, this spoiled piece of shit didn't know the meaning of the word "No", and many times he simply ignored what I said for his own sake, which really irritated me — it still does.

He tormented my life for 5 damn months, until I gave in for the sake of my sanity — and my sleep, since he thought late-night serenades were romantic — to a single date, idiot that I was, I thought he really it would just be a date.

But James is an incredible guy.

I mean, I knew this before, but he was so much better on that damn date.

Let's start with the fact that he took into account the fact that I don't like being in public and we had dinner at his house, he made my favorite dish — pasta with white sauce and baked potatoes — and bought a very good wine, but I almost have I'm sure it was Pandora who chose it.

And then he gave me sunflowers and we talked all night, he didn't come at me with ulterior motives at any point and he managed to make the environment very calm and fun, not being silent, the topics never ended.

And it was so cool that I couldn't deny a second date, or a third, fourth, fifth...

Wants to know? I couldn't deny him any more dates after the first.

Because that was the power of James Potter, he was captivating in his own unique and disastrous way, as spontaneous as he was clueless, he is such a good person, always trying to help everyone, loves being around the people he loves and has fun with the same intensity that entertains others.

It was impossible to resist James Potter, and I didn't even bother trying.

So James and I stayed for many months.

I knew it wasn't just "hooking up", I knew, in the back of my head, that James wasn't just casual sex with a friend, I knew that all-night conversations weren't casual sex, I knew that making coffee, lunches and dinners together weren't just casual sex, I knew that letting him listen to me for hours about my books or listening to him for hours about his music wasn't casual sex, I knew that looking at him as if he were the world wasn't casual sex, I knew that sleeping together just to have each other around with stupid excuses like "it's too late", "I would have sex, but I'm so tired" or "I know I called you, but I found a such a cool movie.." it wasn't casual sex.

I knew, but I liked to fool myself enough to convince myself that I didn't have feelings for him.

Which was a big mistake.

After a while, James started talking about relationships, he casually dropped the topic here and there, but like the good idiot I am, I ignored it.

Once, he said he loved me after sex, and I pretended I was asleep, even though the three little words were itching on the tip of my tongue, so you could see how much of an asshole I was.

And I ignored it so much that James came to talk about us in a very direct way, he asked me what we are, and he asked me if I wanted to be something more, if I wanted to be his boyfriend.

And my mind went into short circuit, a part of my head wanted, wanted so desperately to be his boyfriend, that he found himself screaming at the top of his lungs how much he wanted it, but the other side won, the side that was afraid of relationships, the side that was afraid of abandonment, the side that was afraid of being something more, the side that was afraid of expressing itself and getting hurt because of it.

I told James no, a big, resounding "No," when he asked if I had feelings for him, I said no again, ignoring all the protests in my head, and then I kept saying no to every other question.

Because that's what I did, I ignored all the cries of my heart and followed the broken part of my head, I pushed people away and forced them to leave, because I hate the responsibility of being in a relationship, I didn't have many good references , and of the few that I had, in my view they were unattainable for someone like me.

"— Why don't you let me in? Why don't you show me just a little vulnerability so I at least know you have feelings for me?

— Because I don't feel anything for you."

Lie, lie, lie, lie.

And of course, after all the "No's" that James received, he left, away from my house, away from my routine, away from my life.

"— Someday you're going to have to let someone in, you can't live alone like this for the rest of your life, Reggie, I so wish it was me, but if you want to have something with me, you need to let down your walls, because I'm Here, giving my all, is it fair that I get nothing in return?"

No, it's not fair, it would never be fair.

"— I'm making it very clear, that just half of you is not enough, if I don't stand here and watch you act like you don't need anyone, I will stop trying, until you decide if you are ready to let go of your pride and your insecurities, because I'm stripped of any barriers now, but you're not"

Things got worse from there, James went into Remus' arms and in a matter of 40 minutes, Sirius was at my door with a bottle of wine and open arms.

I always feel kind of bad when I remember that, I was the one who threw out, why was I the one being comforted by Sirius's warm hugs and not James?

And that night it was just that, I drank until I passed out, but I didn't allow myself to shed a single tear, and when I woke up, Sirius was no longer there, but there was coffee in the maker and toast, so I allowed myself to thank the emptiness.

That day was shit, I had to go to the publisher to sign some papers for my new book that was in the review phase, I went shopping home and took Hazz to get his missing vaccines and buy his food and litter.

It was a busy day, but it still felt so empty, not having James with his daily messages, almost every hour, or his calls to say stupid things that would probably make me hang up on him, or his sudden visits, or running with him every morning, or simply being able to see that stupid smile.

Without James in my day, everything felt strangely quiet.

And for the next few weeks it was like that, living like a zombie, I didn't go to our friends' meetings for fear of him being there, I didn't send messages to anyone and barely responded to the ones I received, I closed myself in my own cocoon and didn't even notice , I only realized when Evan, Sirius, Barty, Pandora and Dorcas came to my house to literally scream at me.

They shouted a lot, talking about emotional irresponsibility, stupidity, closing themselves off, self-sabotage, fear and how stupid I was.

And that's okay, I deserved it, and I probably wouldn't be here if they hadn't knocked on the door.

After all the yelling, the most civil person there, Evan, started a serious conversation with me that involved a lot of insults, but mostly concerns and ideas of "how do you get off the deep end and get your man."

They were interesting ideas that could have been useful, but we were talking about Regulus Black, I have been emotionally constipated since I was born, normal solutions like sitting and talking are not in my programming code.

I sent them all away from my house and spent hours thinking about how to resolve things with James without my motherboard burning out from all the effort, until the perfect idea popped into my head.

I'm a writer! I'm good at writing stuff!

So, my initial idea was to mail him a letter, but that seemed impersonal and something he probably wouldn't like, so I decided to keep the letter idea, but instead of mailing it, I would deliver it myself.

Writing the letter at first was difficult, I had never done anything like this before, not even in my books, but as soon as I managed to put my initial thoughts on paper, I didn't stop, it was words after words, expressing everything I had never done before. I managed to express it out loud, telling him everything I thought he needed to know.

The letter had many paragraphs, and many other words, but when I revised it, filled in some gaps and corrected some errors, it was perfect to be delivered.

When I told Sirius this, I'm pretty sure Remus let out a desperate sigh somewhere near Sirius, and then Sirius explained it to me as if I were a child and he was explaining why drinking water from the toilet was wrong - which gave me a deja vu, remembering when I had to explain to Sirius why drinking water from the toilet was wrong.

He said "If you're going to write a damn letter, don't be a coward, at least read it to him, you don't even have to look him in the eye, you just have to read it"

And okay, I wasn't going to do that, when the hell did Sirius become a love guru with infallible advice? I was going to follow my own plan, I was going to deliver the letter and go back to my warm bed.

But my mouth apparently thought otherwise, because as soon as James opened the door with his face full of confusion, I said:

— I need to read something to you.

And at that moment I rethought all my life choices so far, because I really didn't want to read this to him.

But apparently I needed it.

James stared at me in silence for a few minutes, his face neutral and I considered running for a brief moment.

In those few minutes I allowed myself to assess him, he was in a big blood red blanket, his hair was messy, he had deep circles under his eyes and he looked like he had just rolled out of bed, but he also looked like he hadn't slept in weeks — which was probably It was true, and it was my fault, it made my heart sink a little more — even though his face was neutral, the intensity in his eyes was so scary and big, it made me jerk back a little when he gave me He moved abruptly to the side and let me in, this made him frown, he didn't comment anything, but his movements became clearly smoother.

— Come in — his voice sent a shiver throughout my body, it had been weeks since I heard him in person, it also made me realize that I had been standing there staring at him for I don't know how long.

— 'Ah Yes, sorry — I murmured, feeling my cheeks heat up, I let out a sigh and then I entered.

The heat of that house that screamed "James!" He welcomed me as soon as I put both feet inside, I didn't allow myself to look around the family environment too much because James walked past me towards the living room, and I understood that as a silent request to follow him.

He sat on one of the couches and I sat on the other, he held that blanket like it was some kind of trap, and I understood what it was like now to be on the other side, one side closed and the other vulnerable.

We stayed for a moment without either of us saying anything, just staring at each other in a tense atmosphere.

— You said you wanted to read something to me. — he said suddenly, cutting the silence that seemed almost sacred, his voice was colder than I've ever heard — Read.

I didn't bother to respond, I closed my eyes as I pulled the letter from my pockets and prepared myself psychologically for the level of vulnerability that I would be exposed to at that moment and all the reactions that my anxious brain was able to create in the 5 minutes that he had time after my impulsive decision; Anger, sadness, love and coldness.

The last one in particular scared me more than the others.

I opened my eyes and took the letter out of the envelope, leaving the envelope on the table next to the sofa.

— It's okay, it's okay, I can do it, just read it, it's okay — I whispered softly to myself, but the silence was so great that I'm sure he heard it.

— "Dear James. Hi. I'm not sure if you're actually reading this letter or it's burning in your fireplace, but I'll at least send you this, because I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't try" — I started with my voice still a little hesitant, looking at James, he just gave me a nod, telling me to continue.

So I continued, focusing only on the letter and not looking up even once, I'm not sure I could if I looked into his eyes.

— "I don't know if this is what you expected — I don't even know if you expected anything, it's presumptuous of me to assume so, but I've spent too much time with all you idiots, and now I have some traitorous hope inside me — but the only way I know how to communicate is like this, I'm better at writing than speaking, and you know that. My initial idea was to write you this letter and send it to you in the mail, but I don't think you'd like that, so I'm going to give it to you personally, and it's your choice to read it or not" — I stopped for a moment, breathing and seeing that the paragraph doesn't make much sense now — I was just going to...um deliver the letter first...but they're Sirius put ideas in my mind, so here I am — I said with a very weak and slightly nervous laugh, I didn't look up, but the silence I received in response made me just continue.

— "I've never written anything to anyone, not directly like this, not in all the 13 books I've written, there isn't a single letter in all of them, so I don't know how to do it, I don't even know if there's a correct way, but I'm sorry in advance if I'm wrong, I hope I'm not, I've revised this letter too many times to have missed strange things.

I'm stalling, aren't I? Alright, let's get with it.

When I met you, you were an idiot, you spilled a drink on me and then picked me up, and I'm sure the only reason you didn't go through with that whole fiasco was because you found out who I was, and then you were all nice to me and to me. everyone else, talking as if they had known us for years.

You were a good friend for a good few months until Evan made an unfortunate comment and you made it your life goal to have me for yourself. And I've never felt so grateful that Rosier is such a bullshit tease.

After that, it was an interesting 5 months to say the least, I had never been courted so hard by anyone in my entire life, and then you showed up with flowers, singing, serenades, romantic walks, cats and it was a totally new experience for me. , totally raised my standards, you can be sure.

I usually say that those 5 months were hellish to everyone who asks me about it, but I don't want to lie to you, not anymore.

There were some bad parts where you went beyond my limits, but there were so many good parts that outweigh the bad, there were the tours, the new places you made me discover, the new cultures, travel, laughter, lots of laughter — you knew it was the only one who knows how to make me laugh like that? — lots of sweets, concerts, plays, random statements in random places in even more random ways, you wrote a fucking song for me.

And then you bought me Hazz and took me to that beautiful place, which you called your favorite place, I could even say that there is my favorite place too, but my favorite place is you, in all the places you If you are, they will be wonderful places.

So I agreed to go out with you, I promised myself it would only be once, but we both knew that I had already fallen for your charm, and the months after that damn date were so fucking good.

I really got to know you after that meeting, without any mask, I got to know every part you wanted to show me, I got to know your taste in cooking, I got to know your composer side, I got to know the side that is so obsessed with sweets that it makes me sick, I met the lover of poems, I met the talker during movies, I met the guy who doesn't know how to sleep without hugging, I met his secret fun side, the one that I know is lighter and less exaggerated, I met his love for tragic romances and I met the side of you that knows all the frozen songs, I met the side that loves musicals, I met the side that loves its parents so much that it would die for them, I met the side that gives affection to every animal it sees, it doesn't matter if there is a gate separating them of you, I got to know your listening, attentive, hyperactive, anxious side. By God, I've seen so many sides of you that I think I could spend all day just writing about them, and I still wouldn't be able to catalog all of your perfectly imperfect sides.

And I fell in love with each of these sides, from the almost invisible freckles on your body, to that smile of yours that makes my heart stumble every time I see it.

I fell in love with your messages, your skin, your smile, your notes on the fridge, your movie days, your eyes that shine so much, that I swear I see constellations in them, I fell in love with the way you treat me, for your voice, for your messy hair, for your self-confidence, the way you make me feel safe, for how you praise me, for our meaningless conversations, for your laugh, for all the piercings you have, and for all the tattoos that mark your skin, your mouth, your dimples, your funny dances, all your ways of loving, the way you understood me, all the cheesy songs you tell me, even though I know you already has me.

I fell in love with every smile that I, and only I, managed to get from you.

I fell in love with you in several gradual moments that went unnoticed by me, it was like a domino effect, all the little things you did to me, were knocking down every little piece that I had put up so that no one could get to me.

Your energy is so good that I feel radiant just hearing your voice in the morning, your perfume is my favorite smell, I could smell it for years and years, and the feelings would be the same after all this time. I have never felt so lucky to be able to observe your happiness so closely as I was in those moments, those moments that I keep in the back of my mind, holding onto them so tightly, because I'm afraid it will slip away from me.

It was inevitable, it was something that was meant to happen, the world was just waiting for the right moment, and you know I hate this bullshit destiny, but I'll believe it if he says it's for us to end up together.

In fact, I think I fell in love with you the moment I saw you, I fell in love when you smiled at me, and it felt like the world around me stopped, but I don't think I realized, I was so focused on you, which I barely noticed.

And every day that I spend by your side, all the flaws and new qualities that I come to know every day, make me fall in love with you more and more, and I want this to be continuous, I want to spend the rest of my life by your side, paying attention to every new detail you show me every day, because I want you.

And I know that those three words are not enough to demonstrate how I feel about you, but it's the only thing I can offer you now.

I love you, I love you, I love you and I love you James Potter.

And for a long time I didn't allow myself to feel that love, for a long time I didn't allow myself to trust you, for a long time I thought that making myself vulnerable would be a sin, for a long time I let my insecurities speak louder and then I I let you go, and it was the stupidest thing I've ever done.

Because I trust you, I trust that you won't hurt me, no more than I hurt you.

And I sincerely apologize, as much as I would understand if you didn't forgive me, I bitterly regret all the "No" I said to you that night, all the "No" that should have been "Yes", I always regret it I remember from that night, ever since you walked out that door, the only thing going through my head is "James, James, James, James, James!"

And I discovered that I don't know how to live without you, I even know, but it's so bad, I discovered that I spent so much time with you, that my days become empty without you in them.

I could live without you, I could learn to live without you again, but I don't want to, the world is empty without you, the world is like those programs from the 50s, everything in black and white, I want you to color the picture. my life.

This letter was written for me to highlight the love I feel for you, for you to never have doubts about him, not even if I am the one who causes them, and above all to ask for forgiveness, forgiveness for having hurt you.

You deserve the world, James Fleamont Potter, you deserve me to express how I feel about you, because you do and have done such good things that I don't have enough arguments not to trust you, in fact, I don't have a single argument that proves that I shouldn't trust you.

I choose you every day

So could I answer that question you asked me last time? I would love to date you, James, so I hope it's still a yes for me.

PS: You always insisted that I give you a bad line, but I was always too ashamed and wanted to preserve my dignity, but here goes: Cat, you're not Napoleon, but you occupied Bonaparte in my heart.

R.A.B"

When I finished reading the last few lines, I took a deep breath, so deep that I felt my throat burn, I didn't want to look up, I knew I had to, but I didn't want to.

James didn't make a single sound throughout the letter and I was already feeling the bitter taste of rejection rising in my throat.

When I finally gathered up the courage and looked at him, his eyes had so many feelings that I felt nauseous, as if all those feelings directed at me were a drug and I was high, and I am definitely addicted.

His eyes were brighter, I saw those beautiful constellations there, his hands were holding the blanket tightly, as if he was holding himself back and that made me a little nervous, was he irritated?

— Is it still a yes for me? — I asked, feeling nervous about the silence.

His silences have been bothering me a lot lately.

I couldn't even think straight before he flew at me, I cowered expecting aggression, something that hadn't even crossed my mind, until I felt those warm arms surround me and he buried his face in my neck, I hugged him tightly as soon as The initial shock wore off, and we ended up in an uncomfortable position on the couch.

But who cares? He's hugging me and fuck everything else.

That's what I thought, until I felt hot tears fall on my neck and I despaired.

— James, what happened? What it was? Did I say something wrong? James-

— Don't ever do something like that again, don't ever say those things to me again — he said in an angry voice, but much less than I expected, and then he bit me. BIT ME — Never again — he practically growled, I feel like he's spending too much time with Sirius

— I'll never even think about that possibility again — I responded promptly and he murmured satisfied, — is that still a yes? — I couldn't stop myself from asking, he hadn't answered.

— It will always be a yes for you, you idiot — he whispered to me in a laughing tone, his voice muffled by crying and having his mouth against me, and I automatically relaxed, leaving a kiss on the top of his head — you can say you love me again? he asked softly against my neck.

“I love you,” I replied without hesitation.

- Again.

- I love you.

— Just one more time — he whispered, I felt his smile grow, as if he were listening to a really good song.

— I'll tell you as many times as you want, that I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you so much. — I whispered back as if it were some secret, something precious that we had to keep just for ourselves, it's a little strange since we're alone, but it's okay, because he whispered back.

— I love you more than you could imagine.

And it's through moments like this that I learned that it's not bad to be vulnerable sometimes.