Part 1
This is it! This is the day! Her letter is arriving today!
If one ignored the fact that she wouldn't be able to open it right away, there was nothing that could possibly go wrong. Well, that and Vernon might catch her with the letter, and that there would be disastrous consequences.
Today was even better because Jor had yet to be found after five weeks, so she hadn’t been blamed for anything.
(Jor, while being massive, camouflaged easily with the plant life of his enclosure, so his disappearance wasn't noticed by the poor zookeeper until hours later when he realized that the boa constrictor was missing and freaked out.)
Harriet absentmindedly rubbed at her arm as she giddily thought about the past five weeks and how Dudley, upon finding out he might have magic, began to eat less and thin down (This was an amazing achievement because now he looked less like a baby whale).
The spot where the basilisk’s fang had pierced her flesh itched even with the scar no longer there. It was a nervous tick she had developed as, while she hadn't known then, that… incident had physically changed her body.
That is to say, the basilisk venom hadn't actually been destroyed by the phoenix tears like she had originally thought.
Instead, they had adapted to coexist in her body. She herself was completely unaffected by the two powerful liquids. Kinda.
Her blood, her very being was dangerous to whoever came into contact with it. Harriet was physically fine, having adapted to the basilisk venom thanks to the phoenix tears, but anything and anyone else who came into contact with her blood would die horrible deaths even with the phoenix tears.
This is something she had found out over the years after the Chamber, though it showed the most when Voldemort was resurrected.
Harry’s magic had already been powerful almost to having a mind of its own (which she later found out was due to the abuse she suffered from Vernon almost turning her into an Obscurial (In the end, she didn’t become one, but her magic had always retained a hint of sentience even after she left) and the basilisk venom mixed with phoenix tears had only made it worse in her first life.
Even now, however, as she sat at the table and watched Aunt Petunia dye Dudley’s castoffs gray, she could feel her body tingling with the sensation of the basilisk’s venom and the phoenix tears mixing. That… should not be something she can feel.
“-Get the mail, Harry.”
“Yes Uncle Vernon.” She obediently rose from her seat, doing her best not to skip down the hallway from the pure glee thrumming through her veins.
She quickly scooped up the small stack of letters, but immediately noticed something wrong- there are only supposed to be three things.
Harry stared at the four items in her hands with a bemused expression. The postcard from Marge, Vernon’s sister, a bill, and her Hogwarts letter, but there was a fourth thing. She examined it closely and calmed once she realized what it was. A letter for Petunia, written by Mort.
She is probably going to have to open the letter for Petunia. The death magic rolled off it in waves and would probably hurt anyone who wasn’t Harry. Death must’ve been in a bad mood when he wrote it.
“GIRL! What’s taking you so long!?” Boomed Vernon from the kitchen.
Harry sent her letter to her room and under the floorboard with a flick of her wrist and hurried back into the kitchen.
“Aunt Petunia, you have a letter.” Harry said as she handed the bill and postcard to Vernon.
“Marge’s ill,” Vernon grunted, “Ate a funny whelk…”
Petunia hummed absentmindedly as she scanned the letter with pursed lips. She opened it using a letter knife and read the contents. Harry had no doubts that there was at least one threat in the letter.
Petunia’s blood ran cold as she read the letter, and it showed in the way she paled. “Girl, we will be going shopping while your uncle is at work. Duddykins, you will have to come with us.”
Dudley perked up. Harry had told him all about the magic world and about how she would be getting a letter soon.
In the first timeline, Harry had discovered that her aunt and cousin had magic that they had hidden from Vernon, which made sense considering Vernon despised anything he considered “unnatural”.
Dudley had never actually gone to a school, but she had been shocked to find out that Petunia had gotten magical schooling. Dumbledore had denied Petunia entrance to Hogwarts because, according to him, she had “too little magic” when it was quite the opposite.
Petunia had more than enough magic, and she had ended up going to Beauxbatons instead because Hogwarts was somehow the only magical school in England or Scotland. Harry had been very annoyed to discover how few places in England there were to practice magic of any kind.
You can’t even practice magic if you're a muggleborn! Harry had ultimately vowed to deal with this problem as soon as possible, even if she had to buy a place to do it.
“Where are we going, Mum?” questioned Dudley as they watched Vernon pull out of the driveway.
Petunia sighed as she stared after her husband. “Well… There is no easy way to say this… Girl, have you gotten your letter yet?”
Harry’s head snapped up so fast she almost got whiplash. “Er- yes, it arrived in the mail today. I’ll go get it.”
Harry raced up the steps as Petunia turned to her son. “Duddykins, you might not believe this but… Magic is real. I have magic, as does your cousin. My sister also had magic.”
Dudley relaxed, having tensed up at the mention of Harry’s letter. “Oh, I already know about that. Harry told me about it. But- You have magic!? Does that mean I have magic too?”
Petunia blinked, flabbergasted. “You… Already knew? Ehm, it is possible you have magic, but unlikely as it has yet to reveal itself. I’ll explain more later. We need to go to London.”
Harry bounced down the stairs at that exact moment. “How are we going to get there?” Dudley turned to look at his mother expectantly and the older woman sighed in exasperation. She has no idea when exactly they got so close, but she’s willing to bet a thousand dollars it happened on Dudley’s birthday.
“We’ll have to use the Knight Bus. There are other ways, of course, such as apparating and portkeys, among other things, but we’ll take the Knight Bus. Harry, let me see your list.” Petunia held out a hand expectantly, and Harry gave her the list.
Dudley and Harry shared a look. “What did the letter from Mort say?” Asked Harry. Petunia stared at her, opening her mouth to question her niece, “You know the person who sent the letter?”
Harry nodded. “Yeah, he can be pretty protective.” Petunia pursed her lips as she stared at Harry with an unreadable expression and Dudley’s head swiveled around to stare at his cousin.
After a moment of silence, Petunia handed the letter from Death to Harry.
— — —
Dear Petunia Dursley,
You most likely sense the magic I have laced this letter with, so you should know that it is in your best interest to read this, lest something happen to your precious family.
Ignoring that, you do not know me. My name is Mort and I write this letter to you for a very important reason. Your niece, Harriet Potter, is due to get her acceptance letter to Hogwarts any day now. I implore that you take her to get her supplies, and to take your son as well so as to ensure the same bitter rivalries that rose between you and your sister do not appear between your son and niece.
I say this because despite discovering your magic, your relationship with Lily never recovered no matter how hard either of you tried. Part of this is because of your husband, but if I get started on this topic, this letter shall continue for ages. Anyhow, while your piggish husband is at work, take your niece and son to get their supplies. I think you’ll find that your son takes more after you than your husband in certain aspects.
I have arranged for your son to go to the Durmstrang Institute. You can tell your husband that Dudley got into an even better school than Smeltings. Travel has already been taken care of and shall arrive on the first of September.
Do ensure to get an owl for your family or some other way of communicating. When you arrive in Magical London, go straight to Gringotts and get blood tests. You’ll want to reset the keys to all of Harriet’s vaults, as a rather annoying man has access to them and no intention of letting her keep the keys or learning how to manage her vaults.
Once finished with that, do make sure to stop at the Magical Menagerie and the Eeylops Owl Emporium respectively, as some gifts will be awaiting Harriet. You will also want to stop at Madam Malkins’, as I have preordered robes for both Harriet and Dudley. Essentially, there will be a multitude of gifts that you will most likely wish to pick up at many shops.
Many thanks,
Mort
— — —
Harry frowned as she followed her aunt and cousin out the door, absorbed in the letter. “I’m pretty sure I know what Mort left for me at the Eeylops Owl Emporium, but I’ve no idea what we have to stop at the Magical Menagerie for.”
Dudley bounced excitedly next to his mother. “Do you think we can get me a pet, mum? I mean, I know we already have Tuttles and J-” Dudley froze. He had completely forgotten that Petunia had no idea about Jor, who is currently resting peacefully in Tuttles' (Dudley’s pet tortoise who is, in fact, named General Tuttles of the Shelly Shells Mcgee War the Fourth (Dudley was two when he named him, give him a break!)) enclosure.
Harry and Dudley had worked for hours to make it so that it suited both reptiles’ needs. The two got along surprisingly well, especially since Jor would hang out in his full size on Harry’s bed with Tuttles relaxing in the massive coils.
“J?” Petunia raised a delicate eyebrow. She only knew of one pet, and that was Tuttles. “That wouldn’t happen to be the boa constrictor that went missing on Dudley’s birthday, would it?” She rolled their eyes at their flabbergasted expressions.
“I’m your mother and aunt. I wasn’t born yesterday, children, of course I realized. You don’t truly think I didn’t notice you two and Piers huddled around it, did you. I also have magic, and I have a spell to inform me of your whereabouts, so of course I realized.”
She gave her niece a small smile. “It is very impressive that you snuck a snake out of the zoo without a wand though.”
Harry flushed and gave her aunt a bashful smile. “Thank you, Aunt Petunia.”
Dudley beamed at the sight of his mother and cousin getting along, but he was not known for his patience. “C’mon! Let’s go!”
Harry giggled as she watched her cousin goof around. Petunia sighed, but it was easy to see a smile tugging at her lips as she called the Knight Bus. The Bus appeared seconds later, and a man stuck his head out to see them.
“‘Ello there! My name is Stan Shunpike, I’m the conductor. 11 sickles per person.” Stan said cheerily.
Petunia gave him a galleon and 16 sickles. Once paid, Stan turned back to her and asked, “Where to?”
“The Leaky Cauldron, please.” She said as she ushered the children onto the bus. Stan nodded and the Bus was off. The ride was just as unpleasant as ever.
— — —
Inside the Leaky Cauldron, Petunia led Harry by the hand, who’s other hand held Dudley’s. They had formed a chain with Harry in the center because of her fame.
“Excuse me, sir. We need to get to Diagon Alley?” Petunia said calmly even as she tugged the children closer.
“Head on through.” Tom, the bartender, nodded at the door to the brick wall that led to Diagon Alley. Petunia thanked him and dragged the chain through the door and into the alley.
“Alright. First things first, Gringotts.” Petunia said, releasing her hold on Harry’s hand. Harry and Dudley kept holding hands, and Harry grabbed onto the waist of Petunia’s dress. The two didn’t want to get separated from each other or her.
The Alley wasn’t as crowded as the first timeline, so it was easier for Harry and Dudley to ogle at the shops as they followed Petunia like ducklings. She giggled at their expressions as she fondly remembered her first time with Lily in Diagon Alley.
They drifted down the street towards the bank with looks of awe on their faces. They paused at the steps of the bank before climbing them and entering, where they were met with a poem of sorts:
Enter, stranger, but take heed
Of what awaits the sin of greed,
For those who take, but do not earn,
Must pay dearly in their turn.
So if you seek beneath our floors
A treasure that was never yours,
Thief, you have been warned, beware
Of finding more than treasure there.
Dudley mouthed the words silently to himself as they continued onwards. The next room was a vast marble hall where about a hundred goblins sat behind counters weighing coins, writing, and examining precious stones and the like.
Petunia walked confidently to a counter, and the two followed closely behind, practically on her heels. She stared up at a goblin, not an ounce of fear in her eyes.
“Excuse me, Sir Goblin, we need a blood test done for my niece here.”
The goblin peered down at them boredly. “Very well. It is 25 galleons for a blood test. The cost will be withdrawn from any vaults seen on the test. Is the magical guardian aware of this?”
Petunia shook her head. “No, that’s part of the reason we need the test. Her magical guardian has been shirking on their duties.”
Harry stared up at her aunt. She had never known any of this existed in the first timeline. Blood test? Magical guardians? By the Creator Above, she was learning far more this time around, and she had barely started!
The goblin nodded and directed them to a door. “Follow me.” Dudley and Harry share a look of surprise and follow the goblin through what seems like a maze until they enter a seemingly random room. It was styled as a nicely decorated office with a desk and chair behind it, along with a couch and armchair in front of the desk.
The goblin, who never introduced himself but Harry now recognized as Griphook, pulled out a parchment and dagger. “Put seven drops of blood on the parchment.”
Harry nodded and carefully pierced the tip of her finger while Dudley watched curiously. Petunia’s lips thinned, and it was clear that she did not like the ease with which Harry cut herself.
Harry’s blood sunk into the parchment and words began to appear.
— — —
Name: Harriet Lilith Potter-Black
Gender: Female, Originally Male
Age: Eleven (Physically), Twenty three (Mentally)
Parent (Father): LordJames Fleamont Potter [Incapacitated], Former Heir Regulus Arcturus Black-Potter [Incapacitated]
Parent (Mother): LadyLilith Lisa Potter (nee Evans) [Deceased]
Parent (Godfather): Lord Sirius Orion Black [Incapacitated]
Parent (Godmother): LadyAlice Evangeline Longbottom (nee Fortescue) [Incapacitated]
Sibling(s): Unborn Sister (Deceased), Heir Neville Samwise Longbottom (Godbrother), Heiress Luna Pandora Lovegood (Godsister)
Grandparent(s): Former Lord Fleamont Henrikson Potter (Paternal) [Deceased], Former Lady Euphemia Julie Potter nee Shafiq (Paternal) [Deceased], Former Lord Orion Arcturus Black (Paternal) [Deceased], Former Lady Walburga Irma Black (Paternal) [Deceased], Former Lady Lisa Miranda Evans (Maternal) [Deceased], Former Lord Michael Dean Evans (Maternal) [Deceased]
Magical guardian: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore (Illegal), Lady Petunia (Dursley) Evans (Unofficial)
Family claim(s):
Potter Family Heirship available as well as full access to the Main (1023), Spending (1024), Branch (1025) vaults and properties (with Lord’s permission) (Paternal) [By blood and claim]
Black Family Heirship available as well as full access to the Main (7529), Spending (7601), Branch (7602), Bellatrix’s Dowry (7890) vaults and properties (with Lord’s permission) (Paternal) [by blood and claim]
Peverell Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (10846), Branch (10992), Emergency (11743) vaults and properties (Paternal) [By blood and claim]
Gryffindor Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (10756), Branch (9853) vaults and properties (Paternal) [By blood and claim]
Shafiq Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (6523), Spending (6952), Branch (6542) vaults and properties (Paternal) [By blood and claim]
Evans Family full access to the Main (8762), Spending (8763), Branch (8764), School Fund (8765) vaults and properties (Maternal) [By blood and acknowledgment of relations by Lady Evans and Heir Evans]
Slytherin Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (5847), Emergency (2743), Branch (1544) vaults and properties (Maternal) [By blood, claim, and right of conquest]
Gaunt Family Lordship available as well as full access to Main (2667), Branch (1022) vaults and properties (Maternal) [By blood, claim, and right of conquest]
Redwel Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (3568) vaults and properties (Maternal) [By blood and claim]
Pergine Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (2564), Emergency (2246) vaults and properties (Maternal) [By blood and claim]
Crowe Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (7834), Nest Egg (6390), Allowance (1256) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
Fancourt Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (8192), Branch (6453) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
Fowle Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (5462), Branch (3472) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
Averial Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (1324), Savings (1223) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
Acharya Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (5362), Branch (5245) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
Aetherian Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (8746), Findings (1563) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
Fel Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (6723), Branch (5326) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
Flei Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (4125), Branch (2453), Branch (2367) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
Westers Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (6572), Branch (5262) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
Artemisia Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (8921), Branch (8923) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
Apolloneid Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (8922), Branch (8924) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
Callisti Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (6727), Branch (7821) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
Skarabs Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Family (6729) vault and properties [Gift from last member]
Reinsreis Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (6654), Branch (1690) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
Deilia Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (7828), Branch (7829) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
Xandre Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (5623), (5672) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
Leras Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (672), Branch (680) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
Ophelian Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (452), Branch (625) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
Velgrinde Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (132), (354) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
Redwaine Family Lordship available as well as full access to the Main (783), Branch (672) vaults and properties [Gift from last member]
— — —
Harry stared in shock at the parchment. She had already known that she had a lot of money, but she had never actually taken a blood test before.
“Erm… Aunt Petunia?” She turned to look at her aunt, who moved closer in worry.
“Oh, you can claim all of them. I already have more than enough money, and Dudley will inherit more than he'll know what to do with.” Petunia smiled, though it was clear by her wide eyes that she had also had no idea just how much money Harriet had.
Harry nodded with uncertainty and turned back to Griphook. “How do I claim everything?”
Griphook smiled nastily. “You need to put on the Lordship rings. Once they have accepted you, you may claim your Heirships.” Harry nodded and began the annoying process of putting on rings, which she then attached to a necklace.
— — —
Dudley sighed in relief as they left Gringotts. “We were in there for hours!” He exclaimed as he grabbed onto an exhausted Harry’s hand. Petunia smiled as she followed them down the steps.
Harry snickered. “Actually, we were only there for an hour.” Dudley whipped around to face her. “Really!?”
Petunia smiled harder. “She’s right. Anyways, we need to go get your supplies.” Harry and Dudley nodded determinedly. Harry had recalled all keys, meaning the key that Dumbledore has is now useless, so they no longer have to worry about Dumbledore stealing anything.
First, Petunia led them to a shop that sold trunks. Upon entering the shop, the children raced away to explore it. There wasn’t much to see, since the walls were lined with trunks and there were stacks of trunks.
Petunia let them explore as she walked up to the counter, where a man sat reading Quidditch Through the Ages. “Excuse me, sir? I’m here to pick up something? It should be under the name Mort.” She smiled politely, glad that they had gone shopping for supplies today instead of a few days later like she had originally planned.
The man perked up, no doubt happy to have something to do. “Of course, miss, one moment please.” He smiled charmingly and waved his wand. Two very expensive looking trunks floated out from the back room and onto the counter.
Petunia, being the eldest of the Evans sisters, had claimed the Evans Ladyship meaning she had a lot of money. That did not, however, mean that she would buy two trunks, especially not with how expensive they looked.
Both trunks are beautifully made. They are obviously very expensive, what with how they both outshine every other trunk in the shop. Normally, trunks are only 12 galleons. These are worth far more.
The first trunk is absolutely gorgeous, for all it looks like a regular trunk. It’s deep brown, but what sets it off from all the other trunks is that the metal parts are made from a special material that looks like gold, but is in actuality much stronger.
The lock has the Deathly Hallows symbol engraved on it, and every inch of gold on the trunk is covered in runes. It has Harriet Potter engraved onto it in a fancy script, and it seems to glow with magic.
This trunk is quite possibly one of the most expensive trunks in all of Wizarding Britain.
The second trunk is just as beautiful as the first. It has silver where gold lines the first, and Dudley Evans is engraved in it, but it is just as beautiful, and just as layered in protections as Harriets.
Petunia gaped at the trunks. Any thought of Mort meaning harm to her son and niece flew from her mind.
If he went this far, spent this much money, to ensure that they both would be safe anywhere (because these trunks weren't for their schools, they could take these trunks anywhere they went) then he was surely someone to be trusted.
(Especially since Dudley is only now just starting to grow out of his spoilt behavior.)
She was startled out of her gaping when Harry and Dudley peered at the trunks, on either side of her.
“Wow, mum! These are ours?” Dudley looked amazed.
Harry just huffed in amusement. “I don't know why I expected anything less. He's so protective.”
Petunia glanced at her niece, but turned her attention to the man. It still worried her that her niece knew a man - a wizard, no less - and was on good enough terms with him that he ensured such expensive protection for her.
The man puffed up in pride. “These trunks have twelve compartments each. They're so heavily enchanted because the man who paid for them wanted the protection. He must be paranoid of You-Know-Who. They are 127 galleons each”
Petunia’s soul practically flew out of her body because ‘ what the fuck?? So expensive… That's 254 galleons for both!’
He smiled wider, “These trunks were made to last decades, maybe even centuries. Some of our best work.
— — —
Tired silvery eyes blinked in slight bewilderment. The noise was slightly overwhelming, but definitely welcome after 10 or so years of stifling silence with only shrieking and insane mutterings to fill the void.
— — —
A man slept on, unaware of the world around him.
— — —
Omakes:
Harriet: Fight me!
Fate: Ha, look at your size! What are you gonna do, kick my ankle?
*Later*
Death: Why is Fate crying?
Magic: Harriet kicked her really hard on the ankle.
------
Harriet, pointing to Death and Magic: Distract them! I'll be right back! *leaves*
Fate: Okay!
*five minutes later*
Harriet: *returns and sees Death and Magic unconscious on the ground* What did you do? I said distract them, not knock them out!
Fate: There's just no pleasing you sometimes.
------
Harriet, writing a letter: "I'm going to kick.. your... ass."
Harriet: THERE. Now send it.
Death:: Dude, your handwriting is terrible, are you sure you want to-
Harriet: JUST DO IT!
later
Magic: So what does it say?
Fate, reading the letter: She said she's going to "lick my...."
Magic:
Fate:
Magic: Gross-
------
Death: It’s Christmas! Are you all in a Christmas mood?!
Magic: Merry crisis.
Harriet: Jingle bells, jingle bells, single all the way.
Fate: Hoe hoe hoe.
Death: Guys, please.
------
Fate: We need to distract these guys.
Magic: Leave it to me.
Magic: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.
Death & Harriet: *immediately begin arguing*
------
Harriet: The scariest president had to be Rushmore because he had four heads.
Magic: Yeah, it’s a good thing we captured him in that mountain, even if we have to live in fear of the spell wearing off.
Fate: Do you two still believe in that legend? Come on, Rushmore was killed a hundred years ago! We’re safe now.
Death: You people have clearly never taken a history lesson. His body was never found.
------
Death: I told Harriet to grab snacks for everyone.
Fate, looking through the options: Why did you grab fruit snacks? Are you five? Who even likes Fruit Snacks?
*Death, Harriet, and Magic raise their hands*
------
Fate: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.
Harriet: No, that's not how you make cookies.
Death: FLOOR IT!!
Fate: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!?
Harriet: yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN-
Fate: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!
Magic: DO IT!
Harriet: NO-
(Harriet actually really likes cooking and baking, so you can see why she didn't like this. (On another note, the moral of the story is to never let three immortal entities cook or bake without supervision.))
------
Death: I'm bored.
Magic: Wanna commit first degree murder?
Death: Sure!
Fate, hearing them: No- Stop, don't do that! Put that knife down! Put Harriet down!!
------
Harriet: Who would you kill out of the four of us, Death?
Death: Fate, easily.
Fate, laughing: What the fuck, man.
Death: Well, Magic would be too easy. They’d probably be into it.
Magic, now standing in the doorway: What the fuck , man!?
------
*at an awards show*
Death: Can I carry you on my back like Magic did?
Fate: I don't think Harriet would like that.
Death: *pouts*
*Later*
Death: *carrying Fate on their back*
Harriet: What the hell??
Fate: What was I supposed to do? Say no?
------
Magic: Why are you smiling?
Harriet: What? I can’t just be happy?
Death: Fate tripped and fell in the parking lot.
------
Death: We call that a traumatic experience.
Death, turning to Harriet: Not a "bruh moment".
Death, turning to Fate: Not "sadge".
Death, turning to Magic: And DEFINITELY not an "oof LMAO".
------
Fate: Where the devil is Harriet?
Death: Well, it is raining outside... Maybe she melted?
Magic: Shall I look outside for a pointy hat?
------
Fate: I just watched Harriet jump off of a spinning chair. Luckily, she wasn't hurt that badly. But the whole time, Magic was screaming for help, which caused Death to run in to help Harriet. Just note that all of this happened in the span of six minutes.
------
Fate, teaching Death to drive: Okay, you're driving and Harriet and Magic walk into the road. Quick, what do you hit?
Death: Oh, definitely Magic. I could never hurt Harriet.
Fate, massaging her temples: The brakes. You hit the brakes.
------
Fate: Think you can unlock the door for us?
Harriet: Sure, I just need a couple of things. Death, can I have your credit card?
Death: Sure, just make sure not to bend it.
Harriet: Thanks. Now Magic, break down the door!
Death: Huh!?!
------
Magic: Where's Death?
Fate: Don't worry, I'll find him.
Fate, shouting: Harriet sucks!
Death, distantly: Harriet is the best person ever! Fuck you!
Fate: Found her.
-------
Fate: Small creatures are much more vicious because they have a smaller body to bottle up all their emotions.
Magic: Ridiculous. Give me some examples.
Death: Wasps?
Harriet: Terriers?
Fate: Harriet.