Chapter 4
LILY POV
As she sat down with a fresh cup of tea in her comfy armchair,Lily thought about what to do with the rest of her day. James had sent her an owl to tell her that he was staying at Remus and Sirius's place tonight. So she was alone for the night.
It was so strange to think that her life had completely changed in the last few hours. She and James were no longer together. They were no longer living a lie. She was now free to be who she is.
But for now she was bored.
She has never been good at being alone. As a child, she and Petunia were always together. Everything Lily did was based on what her older sister did. Then when she was in Hogwarts, she had handled being alone by studying. Spells, history, texts and numbers had kept her company when everyone felt far away. She knew that made her a nerd, but she couldn't bring herself to care.
James and her had spent almost every single night together since they bought their flat. He filled the emptiness she felt inside her the best he could, and she valued the nights spent together watching the tiny telly, and reading chapters of books aloud to each other.
Sitting on the soft cushion of the armchair,she was at a loss. What was she going to do now? She had too much energy to go to sleep, and she didn't have any work to do! She had done all of the house jobs and order research she had to do over the last couple of days and this morning. It helped her to sort her thoughts out,or possibly forget them.
What did normal 20 year olds do? They certainly didn't have a cup of tea and an early night. They go clubbing. Party all night. They get plastered and wake up next to people they don't know.
That's it! That's what Lily was going to do. What was stopping her from going clubbing? Nothing! She didn't need to go with people she knows, she can meet knew people, even if only for a night. She can be a normal girl in her early 20's. She can have fun!
First she had to decide what to wear. Eventually she picked out a jade green shirt romper. It was quite short,hugged her body and had a darker green trim on all of the edges. She turned around in the mirror. She had a moment of wondering if she should back out.
No. She had to do this. It was the first step of her becoming an independent woman. A single lesbian.
When she left the flat,she had to stop. What club could she go to? It was Sirius and Mary who knew all of the best clubs in London. She decided to walk around Soho until she found one that looked suitable. Eventually she came across a club called Angel Heaven, Lets Dance by David Bowie blaring from the inside. 'Perfect' she thought.
She had to line up outside to get in the club. It being the middle of November,she was really regretting her choice of outfit. She thought about pulling her wand out from where she tucked it in her bra strap and casting a warming charm, but she was packed shoulder to shoulder with muggles, and she didn't want to risk anyone seeing anything. As she stood,she listened to the group of girls,maybe a little younger than her,talking.
"Have you listened to Duran Duran?"
One of the girls shook her head and they others nodded enthusiastically.
"I love them!"
"Stephen Duffy is soo hot!"
"What?"
"Yes!"
Lily's brows bunched together. She had seen a picture of the band on a magazine in a corner shop. Really? She knew that she was in no place to judge the attractiveness of men she hadn't met,but that wasn't going to stop her. She very much disapproved of the girls' taste.
"I'm more of a Paul McCartney girl myself!"
"Noooo. If you're going to like a Beatle it's got to be Ringo."
"Ringo? Please. John Lennon is one of the hottest men alive!"
Lily grimaced as she finally got the back of her hand stamped by the bouncer,and entered the noisy nightclub. She will never understand.
The speakers were now blaring a song she didn't recognize by a woman with a beautiful raspy voice. There were colorful fluorescent lights shining around the room,making Lily feel slightly intoxicated without having any alcohol. That didn't stop her from going to the bar and ordering a gin martini.
Everywhere, people were dancing. Their bodies were jumping and whirling and grinding against each other as though it gave them life. It all was a flurry of moving limbs,swinging heads.
She got her drink and she downed half of it in one go. She didn't want to admit to herself that it was because she couldn't do anymore,instead of because she was savoring it.
"Lily?"
She turned, startled to have heard her name in a room where no one was meant to know her. The sight of 3 of her friends was not what she expected.
"What are you doing here? We thought you were meant to be spending the night with James?" Marlene had to shout over the blasting music. She had her arm around her girlfriend, Dorcas.
"Yeh! We would have asked if you wanted to come out with us if we knew you were free tonight!" Mary touched her shoulder,as if it would help her to be heard by Lily. Her eyes caught the glistening lights.
Lily paused after her excitement of the randomness of finding some of her best friends. The prospect of actually telling anyone about her and James terrified her a bit. But she supposed there was no better time than the present. It would get it over with,for one,but it also meant that she and her friends could go about their night without as much on their chests.
"Um,can we go outside for a minute? I need to talk to you guys about something actually..."
"Of course."
The three of them followed Lily out of the club and into an alleyway a few buildings down where it was quieter. The other girls didn't seem to be as cold as Lily,despite their equally showy clothes,so they must have had the brains to cast a warming spell before they even left for the night. As soon as they were hidden from the public,she cast the same charm on herself to stop shivering.
It was okay. She could do it. She had already come out once. To James! And that had been harder because she was breaking up with him.
She tried to recall when some of her friends had come out to her.
Remus had been the first. It had been near the end of their fifth year at Hogwarts. One morning,Lily had found him breaking down crying outside of the hospital wing. When it happened,Lily did not yet know about his furry little problem,she had been so worried that he was seriously hurt or sick.
She had rushed to him, only just catching him before he crashed to his knees. Lily realized she couldn't half carry him anywhere (the tall git), so she lowered him slowly to the floor and sat beside him. They were in the middle of the corridor,and would have looked mad to anyone who came by. No one did.
Remus's breathing was coming out in labored gasps,and lily couldn't even tell if there was any face under all of those tears! He was muttering incoherently about many things,Lily only catching on to a couple of words. Some that she heard were 'Sirius', 'passage way', and,to her concern, near the end of his spiel,'nearly died'.
She didn't think he would be able to tell her what was happening,so she put her arms around his shoulders,pulled his head onto her chest and held him while he shook. It had been the first time she had been truly terrified for one of her friends,but it would be far from the last.
After a while of Remus being able to breathe at a normal pace, he said,"I'm sorry."
Lily's thumb went still where it had been rubbing his neck soothingly. "For what?"
Remus pulled away and sat up straight. He rubbed his hands over his face,and again over just his eyes. "I shouldn't cry like that. It doesn't solve anything."
Lily reached over and grabbed his face again,this time with both hands."You have no reason to feel bad about crying,okay? Not because you're a man,not because you're a wizard,not because you are smart. Crying is human. It doesn't mean you are weak."
He had stared at her with wide eyes. Then he gave he a sad smile and put his hand on the back of hers.
"Do you want to go back to the common room?"
Remus paled. He clearly has worried that Sirius would be in there,but lily knew for a fact that he wouldn't leave his dorm that day. She had overheard James telling Mary at breakfast. So she offered Remus to come into her dorm for the day,they had no chance of running into him there. He had gratefully accepted.
They ended up on Lily's bed,sitting back to back,supporting each other,both reading different books. It had been a comfortable silence,both enjoying the company of another person without having to interact with them. When their stomachs started to rumble (or rather, Remus's did), Lily volunteered to go down to the kitchens and bring them up a little picnic. A midnight feast at midday.
While they ate,Lily asked what had happened to make Remus so upset. She felt a little bad for it, but her mum had once told her that bad things can get easier if you tell someone all about it. She didn't follow that piece of advice as much as she would have liked to.
That day she found out that Remus was a werewolf, and that Sirius had led her old friend Severus into a trap at the expense of Remus. He broke down again while he told her,but he kept telling her the story as he knew it. By the end,he was leaning on her shoulder and crying.
"And it's all so bad because... Because i love him! And I didn't think that he loved me too but I thought that he liked me enough not to try to ruin my life! And no matter what he does,I cant stop loving him. I want to... but I cant!"
Lily had stopped breathing when Remus had said the word love. She had never heard anyone say anything about liking,or loving, a person of the same gender. It shocked her. From what she had heard about queer people,back then, they were vagrants who spread darkness intro the lives of normal people. That was why she was so adamant about ignoring her own feelings of the sort. But... Remus wasn't like that! He was the opposite of darkness. She very quickly came across the conclusion that the people she had heard say that boys who liked boys and girls who liked girls are evil were evil themselves. She considered telling Remus about her. That she too had always thought of the opposite gender as unappealing at best,and disgusting at worst. That she had wondered about the bodies of her female peers,and quickly dispelled the thoughts,because she thought of them as dirty and wrong. That she sometimes wished that Mary would just look at her a little longer,just look at her...
She had gone to say the words. "Remus I-" She paused. Remus was looking at her,terrified. "I still care about you! nothing could change that. especially not that. i love you."
Remus had hugged her instantly. He was muttering "thank you" over and over.
However happy she felt for her friend that he had someone who supported him,she felt like she had betrayed herself. She didn't know what had stopped herself from saying it. She truly did accept him. But for some reason she could not accept herself. Perhaps it felt different because she was a woman. She had no idea why,but that was what she had believed.
When,a year later, Marlene had come into the common room with girl called Dorcas that she introduced as her girlfriend and said "if anyone has a problem,they can take it up with my fist!" she had accepted her without hesitation. Then that night, when it was only them two in their dorm room,she had nearly said it to her. But it was her sisters face who came to mind as she opened her mouth. Her sister,who was already so mad at her for being different,and who lily knew for a fact thought that queer people were weirdos,as she had said so to her when they had seen a gay couple in the park near their house. She thought about what she would say,and she shut down. It was all she could think about when she thought about her attraction to women.
It was her imaginary voice in her head when she agreed to be James's girlfriend.
But now, standing in front of some of her best and oldest friends,she felt ready. It was time.
She looked into each of their eyes,but as she spoke,her eyes instinctively looked everywhere but.
"Well... I was meant to be with James tonight. But he went to Remus and Sirius's. Because we broke up."
The three girls opposite her were instantly worried and angry.
"What happened?" Asked Dorcas.
"Are you okay?" Asked Mary.
"Did he cheat on you? He did something. What did he do? I will beat him up for you!" Assured Marlene.
Lily laughed at the forwardness. "No, he did not cheat on me. And yes, I'm okay. I actually broke up with him."
Dorcas gasped. "You cheated on him!"
"No!"
"What happened then?"
"It was a mutual breakup. You know,we both weren't feeling great in our relationship. But... um," Lily took a deep breath to prepare herself,"I felt that way,because I am a lesbian.
There was a second of silence and wide eyes. Then Marlene and Dorcas both screamed and wrapped their arms around Lily.
"Why didn't you tell us?" "Did you just figure it out?" "Did James turn you?"
"Um... Well I think I was kind of lying to myself for a while.. But I'm ready to be me now!"
The couple finally let go of her. "That's amazing!"
"Yeh,we're so proud of you!"
Lily looked to Mary,who hadn't spoken a word since she had come out. She was watching her without expression on her face.
Lily closed her eyes for a second,wondering if it was possible that she knew how she felt about her,like this new revelation gave her the final piece of the puzzle. She suddenly felt arms around her neck and opened her eyes to see plumes of curly dark hair in her face. Mary was hugging her and Lily never wanted to leave her embrace. She linked her arms around her waist and tucked head into her neck.
When she pulled back,after admittedly quite a while,she looked into her eyes,and saw nothing but acceptance. Meanwhile Marlene and Dorcas were looking at each other,having a silent conversation. When Lily looked at them Marlene exclaimed, "Girl we need to get you laid!"
She was taken aback. "What?"
"I am guessing that you have not yet had your first true lesbian experience?" Lily shook her head. "This is the time to do it! You are single! You are hot! And you are outside of a club full of beautiful women who would love to get on you!"
The three of them (mostly Marlene,with Mary trailing behind) pushed lily back into the club and onto the dance floor. They tried to get her to have another drink,but one was quite enough for lily. She was unfortunately a lightweight,and she didn't need alcohol to make bad decisions.
The four of them danced together on the dance floor. They didn't care what song was playing, they swayed their hips and rocked their heads,arms around each other in camaraderie.
After some time,Dorcas tapped Lily on her shoulder,and pointed to a woman at the bar who was watching her dance with a small smile.
"She likes you! You have to go over!"
With a lot of nagging from the three of them,Lily went over to the bar. She tried to act like she was just going to get a drink,and happened to stand next to the beautiful woman who was starring at her.
"Can I buy you a drink?" The girl asked. Thank Merlin! She was so glad to not have to make the first move.
"Uh sure! I was just going to go for a normal lemonade or something..."
The girl turned to the bartender. "One lemonade please."
Lily blushed. "Thank you. I'm Lily."
"Wren." She extended a hand,and Lily shook it.
Wren was a short Chinese girl,with a shiny black bob and soothing coffee colored eyes. She was wearing a cobalt blue crop top with matching trousers and white trainers. She was gorgeous. She took a sip from a pink cocktail,and a drop of it hung to her bottom lip.
As Wren asked her about herself, Lily stopped being able to think about anything but her. She became completely enamored by the beautiful lady across from her. She forgot about her friends in the same club as her when Wren reached across and grabbed her hand. She forgot about James,who she had just broken up with the same day,when Wren led her out of the club and down the street to her flat. She didn't think about what horrible things her sister would have said if she has seen the way Wren pulled her into her bed,and kissed her into the mattress.
No. She only thought about the woman who was going to be a whole lot of firsts for her.