Chapter 2
LILY POV
Lily Evans has been with James Potter since she was 17. She never fell in love with him. Not the way a girlfriend is supposed to.
That's why she was finally breaking it off with him. It had been long enough. She couldn't keep lying to James.
Because she does love him. He is one of her best friends. But that's all it could really be for her. Friends.
All her life, she has been pushing back feelings. Feelings she has never told anyone about. She always thought that she would not be accepted.
Even after Remus and Sirius got together,she felt like it was different. They are in love. And they weren't already in a relationship with James bloody Potter.
Nobody will forgive her for breaking his heart. Everyone knows that he loves her so much. He makes sure they do. And everybody loves him. Because he is such an amazing,kind,bright person.
She hated herself for going to be the one to ruin that.
But she has to do this. She is lying to everyone. Even herself.
And she was so tired.
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She closed her eyes as the owl she sent for James flew away. Today was the day. She had been trying for weeks,but chickened out every time.
Now,there was no backing out. He was going to be here in a couple of minutes. And she was going to break up with him.
There had been far too many forced smiles and touches that she shied away from.
She sat down on the sofa and decided to wait.
He didn't take long to arrive,apparating right into the living room. He instantly had the brightest smile on his face when he saw her. Her heart clenched.
"Hey! I got your owl. Is everything okay? what's wrong?"
Lily breathed in. She patted the sofa next to her. "Sit down, James."
James sat. He looked worried now. She couldn't believe she was about to do this to him. She looked up at the ceiling as if it would help her find the words to ruin his life.
"James. I need to tell you something. I... It's really hard to say. I kind of just need you to listen while I say it,okay?"
"No one is dead right???" James asked, instantly thinking the worst.
"No," Lily said,forcing a small smile,"It's,um,it's me. There's been something,about me,that I have kept hidden. I've kept it hidden all my life. Because I was afraid,afraid of what you all would think of me."
She paused, looking at him to gauge his reaction. He was just watching her patiently. Her heart clenched for the millionth time that day. She went on.
"I am so so sorry. I cant be with you anymore." James's face dropped and he gasped slightly. "I never should have gotten with you."
"What?" Was the only word James could muster.
"I think I was pretending. I think I was pretending to love you." She had started to cry. "I am so sorry that I pretended to be happy!"
James had tears in his eyes as well, but they were yet to fall. "You were pretending?" A nod from Lily. "The whole time?" She nodded, slower. "Why?"
Lily took one final big breath in before telling him.
"I got together with you to hide- I wasn't ready to accept myself. Uh- Okay I just have to say it..." She waited until James looked her in the eyes."James I'm a lesbian."
James leaned back and away from her,one eyebrow raised,as if he were seeing her in a new light,and Lily thought 'this is it. He hates me'
Then he did something she didn't expect he would ever do in this moment.
He hugged her.
He reached forward and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. Lily was frozen. Why was he hugging her? She didn't deserve a hug! She more deserved a slap! But she was sad, and full of anxiety and she needed this, so she held on to him,nestled her head in his shoulder and let out a sob.
"Of course I accept you!" he cried.
Lily sobbed harder. James had seen her cry before,and she wasn't embarrassed letting it all out. "What?" The word came out strangled.
He put his hands on her shoulders and moved so he was holding her at arms length. "I'm not upset. I have something to admit too. My parents met in Hogwarts and have been in love ever since. You know the story of course." Both gave a wet smile. " My whole life I have been determined to be exactly like them. Like,if I didn't, they wouldn't love me as much. I know its not really true,but the feeling was always there. So,when I first fell in love with you,I thought 'this is it. This is my love of my life'. And then it turned into more of a game of trying to get you to like me,just because you didn't. then it felt too late to go back,you know?" Lily nodded. She definitely knew. "I don't think I have been in love with you for a while either. But I love you."
Lily laughed and pulled him back into a warm hug. "I love you too."
"so,what we've discovered today:we both love each other,but we aren't 'in love'"
"I think so, yes."
They sat in silence for a while,arms around each other,heads on the others shoulder. Eventually they shifted so they were lying against the sofa and each other. More cuddling than hugging. It was comfortable,more comfortable than it had been in a long time.
"i don't think I'm straight either you know." James said out of nowhere.
Lily turned to face him instantly. "What?!"
"I said I don't think- you know what I said. I've been attracted to guys before."
Lily couldn't believe what she was hearing. But then again, she had just come out to him.
"Who?"
"Okay. You can't tell Sirius but-"
"SIRIUS?"
"No! Of course not! Remus though..."
Lily's mouth could not hang more open. "I can not believe it. Actually no I can. Remus had me questioning myself."
"See!" James was smiling,happy to see that they were both happy,at least for the time being. "The dudes hot!"
Lily softly whacked him on the chest and settled back onto him.
All was quiet again fro a while.
"What happens now?" Lily asked.
"I could move into the spare room. At least for now. Do you want to tell people we've split?"
"Um,I think so. You'll go to Remus and Sirius's soon,right? So you can tell them. Just... let me tell them about me. Okay?"
James kissed her forehead." of course."
Maybe there would be problems later on. Things would definitely be different. But James would still be in the house. They could get along as friends instead of trying to be something more, when neither of them really wanted to. Things would be better. You'll see.