Royally Fucked

"He isn't ready yet. He's far too young!" Sirius exclaimed, for about the eighth time that evening. James was inclined to point out that the he in question was twenty-one, and several years older than most people were when they got married. The only thing that stopped him was the fact that the last time he'd pointed that out, which had been the first time he’d heard that sentence for the evening, Sirius had started on (yet another) nearly hour long tirade about how backwards their society was. He went on about it often, as frequently as he could without James cutting his own ears off. Arranged marriages had been the topic on his mind as of late, ever since his parents had decided it was time for his little brother to get married. That hadn’t been the start of it though. Sirius had always been very vocal about how unfair their society was, and he’d only gotten more passionate since he’d moved in with the Potters. 

In all honesty, James thought it was all a bit hypocritical considering the both of them benefited tremendously from their ‘backwards’ society. Don’t get him wrong, he more than agreed that there were plenty of things that needed to be changed about the status quo. Over taxation, systemic classism, and mistreatment of the working class to name a few. There were obvious problems with the way things were, and James was all for working to change them. But Sirius didn’t do anything to change any of it. He just picked something to protest about and complained about it until he found something new to be upset about. Rinse and repeat until James felt like he was going mad. James suspected it was because he’d never really had to do anything before. He’d just say what he desired and it would happen. So now that he had real issues he expected someone else to change them once he pointed it out. It frustrated James to no end. He was more active in his pursuit of change, doing his best to use his influence as crown prince to better society. Instead of saying any of that, James just made a humming noise of agreement and reached to pour himself another glass of tea. It was his third, and he had a suspicion it wouldn't be his last. 

"Allow me," Remus said, knocking James' hand out of the way in order to pour the tea for him. He moved fluidly, more gracefully than James had ever managed to. His movements were carefully practiced, likely due to the months of training he’d endured and the years of practice he’d had since. 

"I can pour my own tea, Remus," James rolled his eyes. There were few things he disliked more than being taken care of, especially by one of his mates. He didn’t need someone to mother him, much less someone to pour his tea for him (or, for Fate's sake, dress him.) He had to put up with it far too much as crown prince, and he didn’t want to deal with it in the privacy of his own chambers. It was bad enough the entire court seemed to think him incapable of so much as pouring his own mead, he didn’t need to be babied by his friends. He’d fought in a bloody war , pouring his own drink wouldn’t kill him. 

"It is literally my job," Remus shot back. The candlelight caught his face, a glint of amusement in his eyes. He was in the mood for a tiff then, likely fed up with Sirius’ rambling as much as James was.  Arguing with Remus was always entertaining. He was far smarter than James, but he never made him feel stupid. James could keep up with him well enough anyways, well practiced after years with Lily. It was thrilling in a way, arguing with Moony. He was always holding something back, a comment he thought would go too far or a snarl that was more animal than man, and pushing him until he finally snapped sent adrenaline running through James like fire And he was much less likely to have his feelings hurt than Sirius was, so James didn’t have to pull his proverbial punches. “Bred, born, and bought for it, Prongs.” He grinned, sharp and canine. A thrill went down James’ spine. Poking a sleeping wolf. That’s what arguing with him was like, in some way.

 Sirius flinched minutely, the way he always did when the topic of Remus' social status came up. He was more sensitive than either James or Remus, at least about certain things. Well, it was more like certain people. He’d never cared about what the court had to say about him, or what most of his family thought of him. He matched their disapproval with a witty comment and a wink, always quite the showman. Sirius was far from weak, is what James was getting at. He was strong willed for the most part, independent, and braver than most people could even hope to be. Brave enough that when paired with his confidence and impulsiveness it bordered on recklessness. Sirius was a force, and James respected him more than anyone he’d ever met. But he was still more sensitive than the other two, when it came to their friendship. It was hard to tell when a joke would land wrong and cause him to shut down, or when he’d get it into his head that he wasn’t good enough. Remus and James didn’t really have that problem. Sure, Remus thought so much about everything that he could convince himself the sky was green, and James spent more time worrying about his friends than himself, but they both had taken their fair share of mean remarks from the other. It was easy for them to insult each other and take the piss in ways that made James’ mum scold them. But sometimes Sirius would get genuinely hurt in those sort of jokes, so they had to be more cautious with him. There wasn’t anything wrong with it, really, and honestly it wasn’t even his fault. He’d been coddled his whole life. Apparently no one was allowed to hurt him but his parents. 

"You know just as well as I do that your job is babysitting Padfoot," James scoffed, adding an unhealthy amount of sugar to his tea. He mourned the fact that they’d long since run out of sweets. Remus stuck his tongue out at him, proving again that he didn’t really have any respect for his supposed station or the fact that James and Sirius were allegedly his ‘betters’ . He just liked using it to start banter, or to manipulate the other two into doing him favors.  

"Stop changing the subject!" Sirius huffed, a whine creeping into his voice. Apparently it'd been too long since everyone's attention, or at least Remus', was on him. He hated not being the center of Remus’ attention, he always had. Their childhoods had been filled with him pulling stupid stunts to get his attention. In all fairness, James didn’t really blame him. There was something satisfying about getting Moony’s approval, or even having him scold you. He was just the sort of person you wanted to notice you. Hell, he’d been James’, and half the castle’s, queer awakening. Especially Sirius’. Sirius had always been drawn to Remus, but it had gotten worse lately as things started calming down after the war and the fact that they’d really survived set in. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d interrupted a conversation just to get amber eyes back on him. Though, from the look on his face,  this time around it was more likely that he just didn’t want to continue discussing Remus’ position. 

Sirius’ family had ‘gifted’ Remus to him for his tenth birthday. It wasn’t uncommon for people of his status to get a valet (or ‘handmate’ as they’d taken to calling Remus) around that age, but it was one of those things that bothered Sirius. It was different though, because he never really talked about it. Instead of spending hours raving about how awful what his parents had done to Remus was, he just got a sad look in his eye when it was brought up and did his best to change the subject. What James had gathered, from the few times he’d talked about it and his own knowledge of Sirius, he felt a significant amount of guilt about his parents literally buying a person for him. He’d felt trapped enough in his own home, the idea of both ‘owning’ someone and keeping them trapped there along with him made him feel awful. Even now that he and Remus lived with James for years he still had some sort of guilt about Remus ever having to stay at Black Manor. The whole thing was a sore spot for Sirius, to the point that he was likely to sulk for at least a half hour whenever it was brought up, and inevitably buy a new book or some chocolate for Remus. 

His guilt would be entirely reasonable if Remus had any problem with his situation. James obviously agreed that buying a person was wrong in every sense. But Sirius being so constantly distressed about it was a bit absurd, considering Remus was more than fine with it. Apparently the way he saw it, he got out of a shitty house and was put in a less shitty one, with actual food and friends. He’d once said getting beat once a week instead of everyday was a trade he was more than happy to take. Sirius had almost spent his family’s entire fortune on books after that. James had learned a lot about Remus’ home life over the years and he had to agree that even Black Manor was an upgrade. Which was obviously saying something, considering any goodness the family had had been poured into Sirius and the rest of the lot were pure evil. But still, none of it bothered Remus nearly as much as it did Sirius. He thought the idea that Sirius owned him was funny if anything, so James thought Sirius’ melodramatics were a bit much. He was sure there was probably some sort of trauma that came from being treated like an object, being a servant, and having to work in the Black Manor, but Remus was content enough that no one else had much of an issue with it. It was undeniable that there were worse options.

“My little brother is being bartered off like cattle to some abysmal old man! Who knows what monster my parents will choose,” Sirius cried, dramatics in full swing now. He threw himself backwards onto the couch he was lounging on, as if to emphasize his point. James felt bad that his friend was worried, he really did, but he hadn’t the faintest clue what to do. He’d tried listening, offering comfort, retrieving snacks, giving advice, even asking his mum what to do. None of it had been good enough, and now it was nearly twilight and he’d yet to get any sleep so he was feeling a bit less patient with Sirius than usual. He was out of ideas, nearly out of tea, and very tired. 

“They are asking for your input right? Since you know this side of the war better?” Remus asked, shoving Sirius’ legs off the couch to sit down. He seemed unfazed when Sirius threw his legs over his lap instead, letting his hands rest on his calf. Sirius was certainly phased though, considering he took nearly two minutes to respond, his grey eyes just fixated on where the scarred hand sat on his bare skin. James wondered if he was regretting wearing the silk nightgown he was wearing now. 

“Yes. It makes that much worse, doesn’t it? How am I meant to assign my brother his prison? It is bad enough I left him to those horrid people! This is all just positively dreadful ,” Sirius fanned his face and batted his eyes, like one of the noblewomen from court. James thought he was being ridiculous, but apparently the damsel act was working on Remus. 

“Don’t worry Pads, it will be alright,” He soothed, rubbing Sirius’ knee. Disgusting. James took a sip of his tea to hide the face he knew he was making. Don’t get him wrong, he didn’t mind that his mates were maddeningly in love, good for them honestly, but watching them be coupley was far from how he wanted to spend his evening. He wished, not for the first time, that Lily, Mary, and Marlene were there. Or that he was asleep. Sleep would be so lovely. But he’d definitely settle for an ally against the sickeningly sappy romance he was being forced to endure. It was easier to deal with the heart eyes and cuddling when he had someone to make faces with. It was all made worse by the fact that they both seemed entirely oblivious to their feelings, no matter how many jokes James made about tea not being the only thing Remus liked Black. He was convinced that Moony was intentionally playing stupid at this rate, it was the only reasonable explanation. 

“Can’t you just tell them to marry him off to one of the younger blokes?” James asked, attempting to keep the exasperation out of his voice. Sirius had been talking about this for hours , and had yet to actually look for a solution. All of James’ suggestions, including that one, had already been shot down more than once. Sirius seemed so set on the worst case scenario that he couldn’t even think of anything else, which was unusual for him. Unusual and infuriating. He tended to border on too much optimism, much like a dog prepared for a walk or a game of fetch, and the three of them were known for their creative ideas. James hadn’t once beaten a battalion of Death Eaters with dung beetles and smoke bombs by himself (even if the rest of the world thought he had.)

“I’ve tried , but there aren’t any! At least, not any that are still eligible and meet my parents ridiculous standards. All of the high station war heroes got married ages ago. Who am I meant to recommend, one of the Weasley lot?” He scoffed, “I’m better off suggesting they marry him to Dumbledore himself,” Sirius frowned, an uncommon expression for him. He draped his arm over his eyes, letting his head fall back to rest on the armrest again. James knew him well enough to understand that meant he had given himself a headache with all his overreacting. He was so worried, and James still couldn’t understand why . 

“Yes there are,” He rolled his eyes, then played his trump card, “Hell, I meet all of their standards, and I’m perfectly single,” James pointed out. He leaned forward to sip his now cooled tea, satisfied he had proven Sirius wrong and earned himself at least momentary peace. There were plenty of bachelors for the youngest Black to marry, even discounting Fabien and the others. For Fates sake, Shacklebolt was still unmarried. 

Sirius’ worrying hadn’t made sense in the first place, even despite the extra conditions. Marriage was just a part of life for people like them. His brother wasn’t the heir to their family’s titles and therefore his parents expected him to marry for money and better the family. It was a bit fucked up, but it was how things worked. Marriage was a political tool for most people, especially right now. The Black Family name was tarnished after the war and they needed good alliances to fix it. Marrying their youngest off to a decorated soldier from the winning side of the war was the smartest option, even if James pitied the poor bloke who married into that family.  Honestly, Sirius was lucky his parents hadn’t married him off yet. 

James had the best deal out of the lot, with his parents not believing in arranged marriage and whatnot, and even he was expected to get married sooner rather than later. That was just the way of the world. Even though his parents wanted him to marry for love, he had to marry someone . No matter how little he wanted to. He had to have a partner before he could take the throne, for whatever reason. It wasn’t really about producing heirs anymore, now that queer relationships were becoming more and more normal (ever since High King Dumbledore himself had come out, homophobia had seemed rather pointless,) there were plenty of other ways to have kids. But marriage itself was still unavoidable. James just hoped he’d finally gotten Sirius to think reasonably, as unlikely as that was, by pointing out the flaw in his doomsday logic. 

“That's it!” Sirius sat bolt upright, nearly knocking heads with Moony, "Prongs you're a genius !" He shouted. James nearly choked on his tea. That was far from the reaction he was expecting. Proving Sirius wrong, even if it was for the better, usually involved far more pouting, and some sort of brooding silence. Very, very rarely was there an admission of James’ correctness. It was typically just understood that James was right and that no one would say it out loud. 

“Uh- Yes, I am aware,” He said, trying to quickly figure out what exactly Sirius was thinking made him a genius before it became an issue. He had an odd feeling that Sirius was having a different idea than the one James had hoped to give him. Remus’ eyes were on him, cautiously evaluating him like a predator watching prey. The amber of them glinted in the candlelight, an unnatural gold to them. James felt like he was walking into a trap, and Remus knew it more than he did. 

“I cannot believe I hadn’t thought of it,” Sirius beamed at him. If James had just made a mistake, at least Sirius wasn’t so miserable anymore. Maybe whatever it was would be worth it to stop the endless whining. “It’s so obvious . This way I can keep an eye on him, and I need not fear him being mistreated.” He said, mostly to himself this time. What idea had James sparked? Sirius getting an idea was rarely good news, at least for everyone besides the Marauders. But this time James was caught in the crosshairs, and it was his own fault. Sirius was off the sofa now, making his way across the room to James’ desk as if he owned the place. 

“Yeah…That was the point,” He swallowed. He didn’t want Sirius to realize he clearly had no clue what was going on, for fear of being made fun of. And a part of him felt like it’d be upsetting Sirius all over again to ruin whatever plan he’d made, and at the end of the day all he really wanted was for his friend to be happy. Remus’ eyes narrowed and the hair on the back of his neck stood on end. For a moment, the only sound in the room was Sirius rifling through his desk. He distantly thought he ought to be offended Sirius was just going through his things, but it was more than commonplace at this point and seemed like the least of his worries right then.

“Pads…Are you sure this is a good idea?” Remus asked, voice low. Goosebumps rose on James’ arms, the thrill from earlier back in a different way. His stomach twisted with anxiety, but adrenaline filled his lungs like firewhiskey, lighting him up from the inside. It was clear that Remus was not actually speaking to Sirius, though he doubted Sirius had noticed. James just looked between the pair, dumbfounded, certain that confusion was plain on his face now. He hadn’t a clue what the idea was, but if Remus was talking about it like that he doubted it was a good one. Moony was their common sense, and James trusted his instincts more than his own. It didn’t matter this time around though, whatever plan Sirius had was already in motion. 

“Of course. There couldn’t be a better person to entrust my little brother to,” He was writing now, quill scratching furiously at the parchment he’d found. So, he had decided on a person then. That was good. Wasn’t it? For some reason, James found himself overwhelmed with dread. It felt like he was staring at a thousand piece puzzle, hopelessly trying to put the pieces together and figure out what was happening before it was too late. Once again, the room went quiet aside from the sound of Sirius’ quill scratching at the parchment he’d found. Remus was still studying James, and it wouldn’t surprise him if Remus could hear his heart pounding. He had an almost supernatural sense of hearing. And, honestly, sense of everything . It was like all his senses were heightened, even compared to James’ war sharpened ones.

“Thank you James, truly. I can’t imagine how I could ever make it up to you,” Sirius said finally, his grey eyes flicking up to meet James’. He sounded so sincere. He was rarely sincere, especially about feelings or favors. Everything was met with a joke or an over-the-top reaction. Whatever idea James had given him, it was worth it, he’d decided. Probably. He was just happy to see his best mate happy again after weeks of constant worrying. Sirius opened the window, whistling for his hawk. 

“Right,” James cleared his throat, “Don’t mention it, mate.” He smiled, though it likely looked nervous. “Not a big deal at all.” He wiped the sweat from his palms on his pants. Sirius smiled at him, so very pleased with whatever he’d just arranged. It would be worth it , James repeated to himself. He glanced around, eyes landing on Remus again. There was a hint of his earlier amusement there, matched with the same look he had whenever a novel had gotten particularly good. 

“Really?” He raised an eyebrow, as Sirius tied the letter to his hawk’s leg, offering him scratches and treats to make the journey quickly, “I don’t know, Prongs. I’d say offering to marry Regulus is a pretty big deal,” He said. James’ heart jumped to his throat. 

Surely not? There was no way Sirius had taken his statement to mean he would marry Regulus! He hadn’t even seen Regulus since he was fourteen, and back then he’d been just about the biggest prick James had ever met. He was spoiled, entitled, rude, and a snitch. He was just about the last person on the planet James would want to marry, and he was certain the feeling was mutual. Regulus was his exact opposite. Sirius couldn’t possibly have just signed him up to marry him, right?

The look on Sirius’ face told him otherwise. The pieces finally fell into place, the puzzle clicking together in one horrible, life ruining picture. It all made sense. Sirius’ sudden happiness, Remus’ weird looks. The dread he’d felt, as if his body had understood before he had. 

James couldn’t believe he’d been so stupid as to have not figured it out before. 

With a screech, Sirius’ hawk flew off, sealing James’ fate. 

He was formally engaged to the last person he’d ever want to marry.