2 not that perfect puzzle pieces.
I wake up with a skull breaking headache and pressure on my chest.
“Urgg” I groan.
I feel a hand softly landing on my mouth, “Shh.” The person says sleepy.
My eyes snap open and I sit straight without any warning, that causes the person to almost fall off my bed and blink violently at me.
Remus is staring at me with wide eyes, and I do the same.
His hair is ruffled and he isn’t wearing anything other than an underpants.
“Did we…?” He asks carefully.
“Looks like it…” My cheeks get hot and I look down, unable to look Remus in the eye. My hands are fidgeting in my lap.
After a while Remus reaches out to take my hands, “Sirius, what did this mean?”
He looks at me with his big hazel brown eyes, filled with a billion questions and a soft, safe glance of hope. Safety that I’m determined not to damage.
I take my hands back and grab the first shirt I see laying on my bed, “This meant nothing, we were drunk and just very confused.”
While putting on the shirt Remus talks, “What? What do you mean it meant nothing? It couldn’t mean nothing, Sirius.”
Luckily I chose a big shirt, so I stand up and it covers everything. “We were pissed Remus, we weren’t thinking clearly.”
“But that doesn't mean we can't think clearly now, I felt something. You must have felt it too, right?” My heart breaks when I see the pain in his eyes.
“We can’t do this.” I turn around to leave and go to the bathroom, but Remus grabs my wrist.
“I can.”
I close my eyes, yes that is the problem I think to myself, “But I can’t.” I rip my wrist loose from his grip and lock myself into the bathroom.
I hear a voice from our bedroom, “Remus, what happened? Are you okay?” It is obviously Peter's voice.
I hear no response, only a door slamming shut and another person leaving behind him. Peter stays, knowing that Remus needs some time alone.
After a few minutes I hear a knock on the door, “Alohomora” I say, knowing it’s James.
“What happened Sirius, Remus just walked away without saying a word, he looked very upset.”
I stand up, “We shagged James, that is what happened.”
“Okay, and?”
“What do you mean ‘and’?”
“Well something else happened because I don’t think you fucked Remus that badly for him to walk away in tears.”
“You aren’t even suprised that we fucked?!”
“Sirius honestly, it was so obvious that you two like each other.”
“Why does everybody know before me?!” I yell in distress, my hands in my hair.
“That isn’t a bad thing Sirius.” He looks at me confused.
“But it is! I know literally nothing! Peter knows what Sybill would like to do for their date, you know what Lily likes to do in her study breaks, and I?! I didn’t even know I liked Moony until it was too late!”
“Sirius maybe you should sit down-”
“And I fuck him and I fucked up, James! We were so drunk we were just laying on my bed while Remus looked like an absolute God, and I felt the need to clarify what happened between Mary and me so he’d know. I needed him to know that that part of me exists, that I’m not that perfect person he thinks I am because I was scared he would find out when it was too late! I know I flirted with him at the party, but when it actually made him blush I felt that weird but so soft curl in my heart, but I didn’t know what it was until I was kissing him!”
“Hey, come here, breathe okay?”
But I don’t even hear him, “And all I remember is just staring into his eyes and the feeling was there again, I looked at his lips and it felt like the emotion wanted to break out of my fucking body. I have less than zero control over my feelings because in no time I was kissing him and he kissed back and we got carried away because it felt so good but we were drunk! We were so fucking pissed James, we weren’t thinking well, that’s the problem!”
James moves closer to me but keeps a bit distance for me to lash out about everything that has happened, “And in the morning he asked me what that meant! He asked what the shagging meant! He was shirtless and holding my hand and looking at me with his big pretty stupid eyes and I wanted to protect him so I said that we were just pissed and were being dumb, but in that way I hurted him even more and I swear James I didn’t mean too! I wanted to protect him from everything that I could fuck up but then I fucked up while trying so hard not too! He said he could do it, he said he could do this for us, but the problem is I can’t! I can’t and I’m the problem!”
It’s not until I look at James’ concerned face that I notice that I’m crying, “I don’t wanna fuck him up James.”
“You can’t fuck him up, how could you fuck Remus up?” He asks very softly.
“Look at me, I can’t even love in the right way, let alone love Moony! I can’t love right because no one ever fucking teached me how! My parents fucked me up, it’s not that hard to pass that tradition, James! I don’t wanna end up loving like them, because their love is so cold and fucking horrible, Remus doesn’t deserve that! Remus deserves someone who can love him right and who isn’t a fuckup-” With that last word I crash to the ground, feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and the only way to get the pressure away is to go lower then it. But some strong and comfortable arms catch me.
Prongs moves forward and holds me very tight, “I need Remus to know that I’m not the person he thinks I am, I- you know everything about me but he doesn’t he- he doesn’t know everything. He could leave me, he can find me too much or he can- he could find me annoying he could think that I’m being dramatic he could- James please.”
I have no idea what I’m begging for, but James seems to understand. He always understands better than I do. I sob into his body, crashing down and he doesn’t lose his grip.
“Remus is too important to fuck up.” I manage to choke out.
James is rubbing circles into my back, “Try to breathe Pads, in, and out.”
I try to follow his rhythm, it takes a while but I still do it.
James doesn’t stop the comforting motion on my back and talks in a low voice, “Remus isn’t going anywhere Sirius.”
“How do you know?” My voice is muffled against his shirt.
“Because I didn’t leave, did I?”
“But you’re James Potter, that’s different.”
“I’m a human just like Remus. You told me everything that you thought was wrong with yourself, and I didn’t leave. You told me all about the horrible things your parents did to you, and I didn’t leave. If Remus is a human just as I am, he will not leave, Sirius. He cares so much about you, you only need to believe it yourself.”
I cling to him like my life depends on it. James always knows what to say or do, sometimes I think he isn’t human. When my imagination goes wild, I think of him as an angel. The kind of angel that protects their person with everything they have in them. The kind of angel that gives the best advice. The kind that is literally glorious in every way possible, always trying to help you out. St Jerome made a theory years ago that every person on earth has a guardian angel, I don’t think I have one up in the sky like everyone else. I think my guardian angel is my best friend.
~~~
I storm out of the dorm, what the fuck. What the actual fuck?! “It didn’t mean anything”, I still hear ringing in my ears. Hot tears are spilling out my eyes, for him it maybe didn’t mean anything, but for me it did. It meant everything to me. I walk out of the portrait hole, going to an empty classroom. “We were just pissed and dumb, Remus.” It wasn’t dumb at all, if anything it only made me smarter. Don’t fall for someone who can’t do the same, I learned. I wish I never had to learn it though.
I’m so in my head that I don’t notice the person who is walking right at me, and I bump into them.
“Ah fuck, my books- Remus? What happened?” Mary asks.
I quickly wipe away the tears on my cheek and try to smile at her, “Yeah don’t worry about me, wait I’ll help you with your books I’m so sorry Mary.”
When I reach out to grab a book she just grabs my wrist and drags me along to somewhere, “Wait, where are we going?”
She doesn’t answer me and we keep walking for a minute before she abruptly pulls me into a very old girls toilet. She softly grabs my shoulders and asks again, “Remus, what happened?”
I don’t know how to explain any of this. I don’t know how to explain the fact that I realized that I liked my friend yesterday morning to end the day with fucking him, only to get up that next day for every hope I have to get fucked.
“I don’t know where it went wrong. I don't know where I went wrong.”
“Oh love.”
She hugs me tightly and I let her. “You didn’t do anything wrong honey, and neither did Sirius. How did it go bad then?”
So I tell her about the way we both woke up very panicked, and that I didn’t mean to act like that but it just sort of happened. “And then I looked at Sirius' face and he looked so scared. So I tried to make sense of that night by asking him what this all meant, which was clearly a wrong move because him being scared shifted to feeling sorry. That hurted because, he is scared of a relationship with me. I don’t know what I did to make him feel that way, Mary. Maybe I’m just not good enough for him. Sirius needs more, and I don’t think I can give it to him.”
She takes a lot of time to respond, “I think you are wrong.”
“Sorry- What?”
“I think you are wrong,” She repeats.
“Yeah Macdonald I know I have a fluffy problem but the fluf isn’t in my ears I could hear you the first time.”
“I meant it in a sense that I think your theory about Sirius being scared of you guy’s relationship is wrong. I think he is scared of a relationship. And maybe you, but in a different way. If I had to guess I would say that he thinks being in a relationship is scary because Sirius is afraid of disappointment. Everybody sees that he doesn’t care about him being the family disappointment, but no one really looks at it. If you did, then you would see that he does care. He is trying not to care, but that doesn’t mean he accomplished it. But the reason why he was like this with you is because he doesn’t want to disappoint you. Remus you mean the world to him, everyone can see it.”
“Do you really think so?”
“I wanna say I know so, but that’s not in my place to say.”
“Right, I have to talk to him.”
"Yeah, you do. But I’m sure you guys will be fine.”
“Thank you Mary.”
“You’re welcome darling.” She smile warmly at me.
~~~
I stare at my hands on the bathroom floor. The hands that Remus Lupin was holding an hour ago. James is sitting besides me, he didn’t leave me. Maybe Moony wouldn’t leave me either.
“Would he really not leave?”
“He really wouldn’t, Sirius. And I’m not either.” He says softly, reassuring me again. He always reminds me, no matter how many times I ask.
I breathe out, not knowing that I was holding my breath. I lay my head on his shoulder and he follows my lead.
“You’re the best mate, you know that?” I tell him.
“I’ve heard it, yes.” He says jokingly. “Maybe you should go talk to Moony?”
“I really should, shouldn’t I?”
“Yeah mate.”
I sigh very hard. “It will be alright Pads.” James gives me a little forehead kiss. “Moony will be fine and you will be okay.”
I give him a grateful smile and stand up. “Thank you, really.”
“Anything for you, Padfoot.” He smiles back easily and very pure.
I leave the bathroom walk into the dorm, “Oi Peter? Where is the map?”
“On my nightstand.” He says.
I go to Peter’s nightstand where the marauders map is indeed laying. “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”
The map opens and I spot Remus in an old girls toilet alone.
“Go get him mate, you both deserve it.”
“Thank you Wormtail!” I run out of the dorm heading into Remus' direction. Not until I’m inside looking at him do I realize that I also have to say something, not just stare at Moony.
“Hi.”
“Hallo.”
It is silent for a while, I’m thinking about all the things I can say to him. I wanna tell him everything and all at the same time.
“Moony, I’m so sorry I really shouldn’t have said that it meant nothing to me. It was so wrong and it wasn’t even the truth. It did mean something to me and I also felt it.”
“You did?” His eyes are sparkling.
“I felt it and I think that that is what I was running away from. I never meant to run from you, Remus.”
“But I don’t get why. Why did you run from the emotion if feeling is a normal human thing?”
“Because I’m afraid of ruining the human that I feel the emotion for.”
Remus doesn’t need a single second to catch up, “You could never ruin me, Sirius. You know that right?”
“No you don’t understand, I can ruin you. Remus you are one of my bestest mates and if we are doing this,” I gesture to him and me, “then you need to know everything about me.”
“I will love you anyways, no matter what you say.”
“I am the most chaotic person on earth. Not only with my room and stuff, but also with my personality. I need you to understand that there will be some days that I’ll act overly affectionate, being in need of someone to tell me that they love me over and over again. Hugging me and keeping me safe in their arms. I need you to know that sometimes I get angry for no reason at all, or that I wouldn’t be able to be happy all the time. I have bad days, and if you are willing to date me, then you will also have to be able to deal with that. Remus, what happened in my house doesn’t leave my head just like I left my house.”
“I’ll be here for any part of you, Pads.”
“I’m afraid of being a fuck up. I don’t care about what my mother thinks of me, I don’t care if she thinks I’m a disappointment. I care about if I’m a failure to the people I love with all my heart. But what I’m even more afraid of is fucking the people up that I love so much. I don’t wanna ruin anything between us Moony, not our friendship and not what we are gonna have.”
Remus sways closer, “We are gonna try together, we both aren’t the most perfect people but maybe that is what we just need. 2 perfect puzzle pieces can’t click together, so we are lucky in that department, aren’t we?” He shots me a soft smile.
“I have abandonment issues and I think that’s why I’m afraid of fucking up.”
“Because you are afraid that people will leave you for doing that?” He asks.
I nod, “Yeah, I’m pretty fucked up myself so I can’t really blame them.”
“You maybe can’t blame them, but I can. And I can also beat them up if they try to leave.”
I blink in surprise, “Remus, what was that?” I laugh.
“That was me taking in the protective boyfriend role.”
I step closer to him and put my hand on the curve of his neck, “Oh, is that so? Are you my boyfriend?”
“If you can allow me to then, yes I am your boyfriend sweetheart.”
“Mmh and even a cute nickname, Lupin you are doing great already.”
He puts his hand on my hip and we kiss slowly and passionately. It is a short kiss and when we break apart Remus puts his forehead to mine. “I do not give a single fuck about what you think is wrong with you, if you think you are broken then I’ll be the glue that sticks you back together. If you are drowning in your thoughts then I’ll search down the whole ocean to find you. If your heart is bleeding then my love will be the band aid. If you can’t breathe I’ll give you my lungs so you can breathe. I’ll do everything for you Sirius.”
I kiss him hard with no hesitation. Remus easily follows, like we were doing this our whole life long. His tongue goes into my mouth like it’s muscle memory. My hands slide over his back like they mapped out the area in another lifetime and remembered it for this one.
After the kiss he blinks lazily at me. Remus has slightly swollen red lips and a soft blush on his cheeks. “Moony, you are so beautiful. I wish our stupid asses discovered our feelings sooner because now we have to make up for all the snogs and all the shagging that we missed out on.”
He is smirking at me, “Well, we better start fast then!” Remus tangled our hands together and we run to the dorm. When we burst in, Remus says, “Yeah sorry Pete, this room is kinda in occupation for now and the rest of the day.”
Peter giggles and tells Moony, “I dare you to make Sirius scream louder than when he sings along to those bands of his.”
“Mission accepted, Wormy.” And then Remus is snogging me again. I smile into the kiss and whisper, “You are gonna win that bet so easily.”
He takes off my shirt and mumbles, “I’ll share the money with you sweetheart, it’s basically teamwork isn’t it?”
“Oh it really is,” I breathe out while taking his pants off.
“I’m so happy, Sirius.”
I grin at him, “Let’s make that estatic, won’t we love?”
We fall backwards into the bed, and no more words are spilled besides soft moans and whispers of affection.