This Moment

Sirius was weird about Remus. He knows it, James knows it, Peter knows it. Everyone knows it.

Remus might not know it.

Sirius loved to stare at Remus. Loved to look and take everything he was seeing in. To inhale the gold flakes in his eyes and gnaw on the crook of his nose.

That’s what he dreams about most nights.

Sirius has very vivid dreams. Often of people dying. Often of sex. Often of pain. Often of Remus.

The dreams terrify him, even the nice ones. They terrify him because all dreams have meaning, and what did his dreams say about him?

Sirius knew what these dreams said about him, but he would kiss a dementor before facing it.

“It’s always here! Seriously!”

“What about me?”

Sirius was leaning his head on James’ shoulder, after a sufficient half-hour of teasing him about his imaginary cat.

“Don’t you ever get tired of that joke, Padfoot?” Remus laughed as he walked in and sat down from around the corner. His eyes not moving from the page of his book.

“Moony!” He exclaimed as he moved his head to rest on Remus’ shoulder. His heart beating faster and he silently urged it to quiet. “And no I don’t.”

Remus rolled his eyes. He placed the folded parchment he was using as a bookmark back in between the pages of his book. The corners of his lips lifted into a smirk that made Sirius feel weak. He was sure he’d fall down if he weren’t already sitting.

“So, have any luck finding this mysterious black cat?” Remus looked over to James, his eyes switching to Sirius for half a second.

“No…” James grumbled, before letting out a gasp. Remus leaned forward, Sirius falling off his shoulder and grumbling before looking at James. A black cat was curling up in his lap.

“It’s here!”

Sirius brought his pointer finger up to the cat to pet its head.

“She’s so cute!” He exclaimed, no longer grumbling about Remus’ shoulder not being his headrest. The cat responded by hissing and pawing at Sirius’ hand. He flinched his hand back.

“Your cat’s mean, James!”

James pet the cat, scratching behind its ears.

“I think it’s a boy, Pads,” He said.

“Noted.”

Remus leaned over Sirius to pet the cat. He visibly stiffened, before relaxing. Wow…he never noticed how nice Remus’ hair looks in the sun. Had he really not noticed that? No…he had. But it was surely something to take note of, now that he was stopping himself from reaching out and petting tufts of his brown hair, that reflecting the sun, looked golden.

The cat almost seemed to grin as Remus ran his hand over its soft fur.

“I think he just doesn’t like you, Padfoot,” He snickered. Sirius swatted his arm, pushing Remus off his lap.

“Don’t betray me like this!” Sirius shouted. “Associating with that traitor,” He shot a glare at the cat. Remus laughed again, a full grin this time. His lips perfectly cupping his teeth and the dimple that rested at his cheek becoming more and more clear.

“Alright.” He stood up, his lips relaxing into only a soft smile, dusting the fur off his hands. “I’ve got to meet Lily anyways, I’ll see you both later.”

Sirius wolf whistled as Remus walked away, James blew a kiss his way. The cat hissed and began to attack James’ hand.

“Speaking of whores,” James said, peaking from the mirror where he stared at himself, to look at Sirius. “Why don’t you go find Moony?”

“What does that have anything to do with whores, James?” A note of suspicion lingered in his voice.

“Just think you two could come up with some ways to distract you.”

Sirius stood from the bed, heading out the dorm.

“I hope so,” He muttered under his breath as he left to find Remus.

He strolled through the hallways and outside, then hit himself on the head when he realized he hadn’t yet looked in the library.

Surely enough, Remus was there. Sitting in the cozy in the window and reading. The sun shined through and highlights the curve of his cheek bones and flow of his hair. His skin, tan and golden, decorated with freckles and scars.

“Are you going to keep staring or actually talk to me?”

“Well give me a moment, won’t you? I haven’t had enough staring time yet.” Remus rolled his eyes as he set his book down, hopping off the window and walking over to Sirius. He leaned down, his eyelids hooded.

“What is it, Sirius?” He asked, his voice low and husky. Sirius bit the inside of his lip, pushing down the ticklish feeling that appeared in his stomach.

“Just…um…I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Remus raised an eyebrow. Sirius shifted his feet looking around the room with fake confidence and bringing about a smile to highlight it.

“Maybe I just missed you, ever think about that?” He said finally, grinning as he turned back to a suddenly flustered Remus.

He stood up straighter, a nervousness coming about that Sirius hadn’t seen in a while.

“So do you want to do something or just watch me read?”

“Oh I do enough watching you,” Sirius said, waving his hand. “Watching you read! I do enough watching you…read.” Red grew from his cheeks to his ears, before he took Remus’ wrist and ran out of the library.

“Shit- Sirius wait!” Remus yelled desperately. But to no avail, as Sirius kept dragging him around.

They found themselves outside and sneaking into the passage that led to hogsmede.

“What’s the plan, Pads?”

“Dunno,” Sirius said, pulling Remus through the dark tunnel. “I say we just go to Honey-dukes or something.”

Remus sighed fondly, staring at Sirius who was encompassed with shadows, beside the light that shown from his wand. His eyes, gray and focused, looking ahead.

They spent the better part of the evening in Hogsmede, before rushing back for the party. Laughing and stumbling as they made their way through the dark tunnel.

James would scold them for being late, but it was worth it.

“So…James and Regulus are dating.”

“Yeah,” Sirius huffed, flipping through his textbook, not taking in a word of what he reads. Remus reached over, shutting the book.

“And you’re fine with that?” He asked.

“I’m-“ Sirius shifted on the couch, curling into Remus’ knit jumper he was wearing. “-a bit weirded out..” He whispered like a secret. Remus nodded,

“Thought you might be, yeah.”

Sirius looked at him from the corner of his eye, his lips pursed.

“I just…Regulus doesn’t like people. I love him to death but he’s-he’s mean on purpose and he prefers being alone and…”

“And…?”

Sirius sighed, burying his head in his knees that he held with his arms, and sinking into the couch.

“And he purposefully makes himself unlovable. Because that’s what he thinks he deserves,” Sirius said finally. Remus furrowed his eyebrows, staring at him.

“So what’s the issue here? He’s letting himself be loved. You can see that, we all can.”

“But- how when he never tries, can someone love him just like that? I…I’m being a prat.”

“A bit.”

Sirius glares at him, then turns back to his knees.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I just- I try so fucking hard, Moony. Where’s the person who will love me like that? Everyone I’ve dated wants me for my status, or-or for my body…what am I doing wrong?”

And if that isn’t the most heartbreaking thing Remus has ever heard…

He knows Sirius tries so hard. He tries more than anyone Remus has ever met. It makes his chest ache that he feels so lonely.

Remus saw the tears welling in Sirius’ eyes, he looked around the empty room before scooting closer to Sirius, and wrapping his arms around him. He leaned close to whisper.

“You’re not doing anything wrong, Sirius. That person is- well they are probably closer than you think.”

Sirius looked up at him, a tear dashing down his pale cheek that he quickly wipes away.

“How can you say that? I piss you off daily,” He mutters, his hair soaked from tears and sticking to his face. Remus laughs lightly.

“Yeah you do. But you do try so hard. I see how hard you try. I hate that you can’t see that you’re already good enough.” Remus leans in closer, reaching out and brushing the hair out of his face and tucking it behind his ear.

“Sirius. You’re enough as you are. Please don’t break your heart trying be perfect for people, when you already please everyone just as you. Please me…as you,” He whispers.

His eyes find their way looking all across Sirius’ face and into his eyes. Eyes glistening with tears and staring back at Remus. Lips parted in shock.

Eyes…flitting down to Remus’ mouth for a moment.

That moment. Sirius’ gaze on him and Remus’ hand on his cheek.

Someone leans in, is it Remus? Or is it Sirius? He doesn’t know, he only knows the Sirius now has his hands holding Remus’ neck softly, and kissing him like he’s scared he’ll leave, but like he needs it more than anything.

Remus, of course, is kissing him back. Hands gripping his face and fingers brushing through his hair.

Sirius pulls back, eyes wide.

“Shit- Remus I’m- I shouldn’t have…I’m sorry!” He says in a hushed and panicked voice. He stands up quickly, his hands hovering as if he’s scared he can’t control them. He darts away, stumbling over his feet as he runs up to their dorm.

Remus sits there. In shock of everything that happened.

They kissed.

Oh merlin…They Kissed.

Sirius was kissing him.

He wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting there, likely only five minutes before he’s standing up and rushing in the dorm after Sirius.

When he gets there, he finds Sirius curled up in his bed. His hands clawing at his hair as he whispers to himself.

“Fucking idiot- why did you? You’ve gone and ruined things again.”

“Sirius…” Remus says, his voice soft. He flinches as he looks up at Remus, sitting up and scooting back in that same scared manner. Like Remus is about the freak out, yelling and screaming and causing a fuss.

But he sits on Sirius’ bed, the thought to scream never once crossing his mind. This time.

His face is the softest it’s been ever while someone is looking at him.

“I’m sorry!” Sirius blurts out. “I shouldn’t have done that! You-you don’t fancy me and I’ve ruined everything!”

“Who ever told you I don’t fancy you?”

Sirius pauses, his lips falling open again.

“You-“

“Sirius. If you’re so unloveable and you ruin everything, why have I been in love with you since I was fucking fourteen?”

He’s cussing, and Remus knows that makes him sound angry. But he’s not! Not angry at Sirius, at least. More angry at every person who’s ever made him feel unworthy of love. Like he needs to be extraordinary to be loved.

Sirius starts to shake his head, eyes darting to the mattress as he picks at a loose thread on his pants.

“No…Moony don’t tease,” He mutters, more to himself than anything.

“I’m not. Fuck- Sirius you’re my favorite person. Can you really not see that? I mean- I’ve- I’ve gotten so worked up over how much you make me feel that I’ve cried myself to sleep about it!”

Sirius isn’t curled up anymore, in fact he’s leaning forward. His face still shocked. He looks like he’s face to face with another species, the way he’s looking at Remus.

“Sirius-“ Remus doesn’t get to finish, he’s cut off by Sirius launching himself into his arms. He wraps his arms around his shoulders and buries his face into the crook of Remus’ neck, breathing in deeply.

“If this turns out to be some kind of sick fucking joke I might just die,” He whispers into Remus’ skin.

Remus brings his arms around Sirius’ waist, holding him tightly against himself.

“I’d never joke about this,” He says, one of his hands making its way up to hold Sirius’ neck.

Sirius leans back for a moment, only to catch Remus’ face and kiss him. Remus melts immediately, pulling Sirius in by his neck and waist.

“Promise me that you aren’t lying,” He says, his forehead leaning against Remus’.

“I swear it,” Remus replies before kissing Sirius once more.