The Good Ones
I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Til the landslide brought me down
December 1978
In the years to come after the war, Mary would try to figure out and pinpoint when the turning point in those few years during the war were.
She thinks the first shift comes when Benjy dies.
Benjy's death changes all of them, Emmeline included, and Mary thinks that's when everything started to go south, when Benjy dies not long after the turn of the decade. When Emmeline can't even fathom the thought of leaving Dumbledore's Order at her lowest, losing Benjy in the worst way possible, Mary thinks, well, this girl's going to be in the thick of it until there's nothing left for her to give. Emmeline's going to be lucky if all that's left by the end is the skin clinging on to her bones.
It's a Monday night when 1979 slips into 1980, marking the end of what has been a rather eventful decade. After all, she hadn't even known she was a witch at the beginning of it, let alone the existence of the entire wizarding world. Now, ten years older and ten years wiser, though the latter could be debatable, Mary finds herself ending the 1970s with Benjy Fenwick's lips on hers.
It's not like she doesn't actually know Benjy. They've crossed paths plenty of times and she thinks they're friends, sort of, or maybe casual acquaintances at the very least. After all, there's only a small bunch Gryffindors in the same year. They've shared plenty of classes together. They run in the same circles, him being on the Gryffindor Quidditch team and a rather popular guy in their year. Mary had been the team's biggest cheerleader. How could she not, after Marlene made it on the team, and being friends with James and Pippa as well. Mary might not like the sport itself, but she's always made sure to be damn supportive of her friends by cheering on her house every single game.
Benjy's always been easy to talk to and he's also one of the few that's actually fluent in BSL as opposed to Marlene who only knows the necessary signs so that she can communicate with Pippa on the field. That and the vulgar ones. Benjy had been pretty close with Pippa back then, though Mary's not sure if they still keep in touch since graduating. Still, things feel different now that they're out of school, out of the confines of the walls of Hogwarts. They chat on occasion, usually at one of Sirius' parties, or when he comes into St Mungo's, and the time she met up with Emmeline, Benjy, Alice and Frank for drinks one night. Though she'd rather not remember the end of the night, it had been fun getting to catch up with Benjy and getting to know Alice and Frank a bit more.
Benjy's always there when Emmeline gets hurt, never leaving her side unless he's forced to. Last she saw Benjy was probably three months ago in September, when she'd apparated alongside Dorcas to Godric-knows-where to help Emmeline and quite literally saving her life. That also happens to be the last time she's seen Emmeline. She hasn't seen either of them in a while, and she's wondering if Emmeline's been avoiding her.
Tonight, she's chatting away with Benjy at their end of the decade party and as usual, it's easy conversation with him. James had been smart enough to cast heating charms around the flat - he always does in this December weather. Maybe it's just that there's too many bodies cramped into this tiny flat that's exacerbating the fact that there's a lack of oxygen in here, and Mary's starting to feel it. Benjy apparently does too, because he's taken off most of what he's been wearing since he entered the flat. He's wearing jeans and a black short-sleeved shirt despite the raging weather outside and it shows off his muscles just the right way. Mary thinks it's a sight for sore eyes. He also hasn't shaved in a while so there's a bit of stubble on his chin and she thinks it makes him look older than he actually is. His hair's messed up, cheeks a little flushed, and Mary can't help think that he looks considerably cute under the light of Remus and Sirius' living room. She's in a tight dress and she finds herself wondering if he's noticed. She thinks he has, because he's had his eyes on her all night and that's just the way she likes it.
Plus, there's also the most important factor of all to consider - the fact that he's most definitely not Emmeline Vance.
Mary's been hung up on Emmeline for the better part of the year and she thinks it's high time for things to change. Working at St Mungo's doesn't leave much time for socialising and Mary knows the best way to get over someone, from experience, is to get involved with someone new. It doesn't have to be serious - it just has to be enough of a distraction to dig herself out of this situation she's gotten herself in.
So, when Benjy's there looking like that and making her laugh in all the right ways, Mary leans in closer and thinks that he wants the same things she does. Someone to hold or maybe just someone to shag with no strings attached. Maybe she's also just drunk and imagining things that aren't there. There's also the way Emmeline's been looking at her all night like a wounded puppy when she has absolutely no right to be. Not when she's the one who made her bloody choice. Not when she's actually made Mary feel something resembling falling, when she dragged her into this forbidden territory and left her dangling on the edge of it, terrified of what'll happen if she lets Emmeline pull her back to safety.
Instead, Mary looks at Emmeline when she's touching Benjy's arm with a look in her eyes that tells her, no, you don't get to do this. You don't get to make me wish he's you.
Emmeline looks away.
Benjy leans in towards her, the minute hand of the clock one tick away from midnight. He whispers into her ear, asking if she'll be his first kiss of the 1980s. Mary says yes, rather breathlessly might she add. Of course she does. Mary hasn't been properly touched in so long and she misses the feeling of someone's fingers running through her hair, tongue in her mouth, hands on her skin...someone that's definitely not Emmeline. Nope, definitely not Emmeline.
Five...four...three...two...one...
She thinks Benjy's smile could pretty much charm anyone, and she's not immune to it either, so that's how they enter the start of a new decade, lips pressed against one another's and surrounded by the people they love. The fireworks outside burst and the laughter indoors indicate that it's the start of a new year, a new decade. A few of them are huddled up against the windows trying to get a better glimpse of the muggle fireworks, and Mary can feel Benjy's body pressed up against her back.
Emmeline's gone from the room by the time Mary takes her eyes off Benjy for the first time that year, and Mary tells herself that it doesn't matter because, well, she can still taste Benjy's lips.
***
When Benjy asks later that night if Mary wants to come over to his place, he has a grin on his face because they both know that that kiss was something else. She says yes on the condition that he doesn't fall for her and Benjy dramatically calls her a heartbreaker. He promises her anyway and makes an exaggerated declaration, saying that he solemnly swears that he won't fall for her under any circumstances, pretending that it's an unbreakable vow when he says it. So, all in all, Benjy agrees to Mary's simple but loaded request that there's not going to be any strings attached regardless of how things end up tonight, just the way Mary wants it, though she's not sure if she's completely joking when she says it.
Mary prepares to leave and heads into the bedoom to grab her coat. To her surprise, Emmeline's there inside the bedroom, alone. She doesn't seem to be doing anything in particular, standing in front of the mirror, but Mary freezes at the sight of her their eyes catching through the mirror's reflection.
"I'm just grabbing my coat." Mary says, after a moment of awkward silence and silent stares. For some reason, she felt compelled to shut the door behind her when she entered. She moves towards the bed, searching for her coat where she'd left it, likely buried under the stack of clothes from the guests who arrived after her.
"I knew it was bullshit." Emmeline says to the reflection of Mary in the mirror.
Mary manages to locate her coat, turning to face Emmeline with her coat in hand.
"Just the war, right?" Emmeline says with a hint of venom in her voice, turning her back on the mirror to look directly at Mary.
Mary doesn't know how to respond. She's not sure if Emmeline wants her to, so she bites her tongue. She stares directly at Emmeline, who continues.
"If you don't want me, just fucking say that. Say that. I get it, okay? I get it. You wanna..." Emmeline's voice cracks in the middle of her monologue, though the anger's still very much there. "Say you wanna ride off into the sunset with fucking Prince Charming, or whatever, just say that. But don't act like we both don't know that Benjy is just as much in this as I am and you - that doesn't seem to be a problem for you, when it's with him."
"You don't know what you're talking about." Mary responds, wishing Emmeline would just let it go. Let her go. She doesn't have it in her tonight to fight with Emmeline. It doesn't keep Emmeline from continuing to bait her though.
"I don't know? I don't know? What is there to fucking know, Mary? You won't kiss me, right, but you'll kiss him? Got it. It's pretty fucking simple." Emmeline taunts, in a tone of voice that makes Mary want to pull her bloody hair out.
"I'm just trying to have fun at a goddamn party, Vance." Mary spits out Emmeline's last name, like it's toxic in her mouth. "Jesus, just drop it, alright?" Mary says, exasperated. If Emmeline wants a fight, she'll give it to her because she's more than capable of hitting back. Punch for punch.
"Right." Emmeline makes a sound that's in between a scoff and a humourless laugh. "Just having fun. Right."
Mary would let it slide, if she were a less hot-headed person. But she isn't, and Emmeline doesn't get to have the last word when she's the one that started this. Emmeline Vance, of all people, doesn't have a right to be jealous of her and Benjy. But here she is, standing in front of her acting like she has a claim on her, like she has any right over who she goes home with. Mary feels like a cauldron waiting to explode with Emmeline adding fuel to the fire one vial at a time.
"Why do you have to fucking be like this?" Mary tugs at her own coat, if only to keep from her hitting something. "We're not together, Emmeline, okay? There's nothing between us and that was your decision, so just...fuck off. Jealously doesn't suit you." She bites back and hopes that puts the nail in the coffin.
"My decision? How the fuck was it my decision?" Emmeline retorts, her words only serving to make Mary angrier.
"I gave you a choice!" Mary's voice is raised now. "I gave you a choice, and you didn't choose me! I'm not going to apologise for not - begging you to change your mind. I'm not going to fucking beg."
"And did you give Benjy that choice?" Emmeline cuts her off. "Hm? Is that what you were whispering to him? What, you think he's gonna stop fighting tomorrow? You think any of us actually get a choice in whether we leave this war behind?"
"That's different."
It had never been about the war with him.
"I know!" Emmeline's emotions are written all over her face now. "I know it's different! I'm telling you to fucking say that! Just say it! Just say that it's different, because he's a man and I'm-I'm-"
Mary stares back at Emmeline, who doesn't seem to be able to finish her sentence, overwhelmed by her emotions. So that's what this has all been about. This is why Emmeline's so hell bent on calling Mary out for being a hypocrite. Emmeline thinks the reason why Mary'll kiss Benjy is because he's a man and she's not.
"That's not it." Mary's voice is firm but softer now.
"Sure, Mary." Emmeline says. "Sure it's not."
The fire in Emmeline's eyes dies down - she just looks defeated now.
"I mean it." Mary emphasises - she isn't scared of losing him the way she's deathly scared of losing Emmeline. Benjy isn't the one that's going to break her heart.
"Whatever. Have fun with Benjy." Emmeline says.
Mary almost wishes Emmeline were still yelling. At least then, she would be able to yell back at her for being so goddamn stubborn. Still, she isn't prepared to leave the conversation at that, at Emmeline believing that it's because Mary doesn't want her back.
"No- look at me, Em. You don't get to do this. Look at me." Mary's own tears are on the verge of spilling out now. She moves closer to Emmeline, forcing the other girl to meet her eyes, a hand on her shoulder.
"I can't kiss you, because I'll fall in love with you." Mary confesses carefully, choosing her words. It takes everything in Mary not to fall apart then and there, her heart feels heavy in her chest, like she can't bear the weight of it.
"What?" Emmeline blinks, uncomprehending.
"I'm not saying it again." Mary shakes her head, and she can feel the tears start to fall.
"You..."
"I have spent months, Emmeline. Months. Watching you come in and out of that fucking hospital. Do you have any idea what that does to me? Do you have any idea? I told myself that I wasn't going to let you get under my skin. I told myself it was a bad idea, but you're so fucking stubborn -I couldn't stop you, and now you're here, and you're in the hospital, and you're smiling and coughing up blood and begging me to touch you and every time it is just one more reminder that I could lose you in a second. A fucking second. So if you want me, choose me. But I'm not going to let you destroy us both for this godforsaken stupid fucking war. I won't do it. I won't fall in love with you just to watch you die, so stop trying to make me."
Mary turns and grabs her coat from where she's thrown it on the bed, leaving Emmeline behind as she walks out of the room, tears falling down her cheeks.
She should feel better, now that her words have all spilled out and that all their cards are out on the table. She's told Emmeline everything she's wanted to say the night since she almost kissed her in that back alley, everything she's ever felt watching Emmeline walk through the revolving doors at St Mungo's and everything she's ever felt since their coffee dates that weren't supposed to be. She should feel better now that everything's off her chest and out in the open.
She should feel better but she doesn't.
Outside the bedroom, under the dim light of the corridor, Mary puts on a smile and puts Emmeline Vance at the back of her mind. She walks back out and into Benjy's arms, who's been waiting for her. Mary goes home with Benjy at the end of the night and she tries not to think that it's only because Emmeline isn't an option.
She'll never fall for him, at least not while Emmeline's still around. It's a cruel thought.
That night, Mary pushes Emmeline out of her mind and Benjy's there, willing to help her forget. She doesn't think about Emmeline when Benjy's hands are pressed against her neck and she definitely doesn't think about her when Benjy pushes her down onto his bed. She doesn't think about Emmeline when Benjy's lips are on her, breathing into her neck, pressing his lips and tongue against her skin in a way that's sure to leave a mark. When Benjy explores the lower parts of Mary's body, she doesn't think about Emmeline when he makes her beg for it. Mary thinks he must have learned a thing or two from previous relationships because he sure does know how to build up tension and keep a girl satisfied.
It's his name she calls out, not hers, and she definitely doesn't complain when he goes down on her.
Benjy promises her that it doesn't mean anything if she stays the night and while she thinks that's only partly true, she also feels like it's not the worst thing in the world, waking up next to him. Plus, Benjy's flat doesn't have a fireplace, so she doesn't feel like apparating back home still sobering up from the party and coming down from his touch.
Friday, 8th February 1980
Their fling, if you could even call it that, only lasts a month. It's cut short the way Benjy's life is.
Mary's mad at Benjy because he told her that there were no strings attached and went on to get himself killed in the process. She knows it's stubborn, the way she's acting, but the bloody strings are all tangled up now and she thinks if she'd known that he was going to fuck off and die like that, she would have...well, she's not sure what she would have done. She would have stayed a little longer in the mornings instead of tiptoeing around his sleeping body and disappearing before he's awake. She might have focused a little more on the friends aspect of their whole friends with benefits arrangement. She only wishes that she'd have known him a little bit better, that they talked a little more, and that they weren't just using each other to fill a void.
From what she's gathered from Marlene, they found him in bloody pieces.
Aside from her grief, Mary also feels the crippling regret because she'd been using him to feel the Emmeline-shaped hole in her heart. She wonders if Benjy knows, knew, that she was only using him to feel something and replace the person she'll never be able to have. Mary wonders if he was using her as well, if he had been holding on to some type of unrequited love, but it's not like she'll ever find out now. They never really talked about any of that and it's not like they ever had a reason to. She supposes that's the point of a fling, that they don't talk about the rest of it. But still, there's not much she can say to convince herself that she shouldn't regret any of it. After all, there's only one of them that still has the capacity to regret. He's fucking dead and there's no going back.
The only reason Mary's relatively composed at the funeral is because she can see the way his death breaks Emmeline.
His funeral is anything but a quiet affair. It's fitting, she thinks. It's crowded with all his family and friends and Mary supposes it makes sense - he was a pretty popular guy at school. Part of his popularity came from being the chaser on the Gryffindor since his fourth year. But he was popular even before that because he had a kind soul and a good heart. Mary knows by now that people like that don't come along often in life. Sure, she knows that people aren't just innately good or bad. But Benjy...he's just, well, he's just always been one of the good ones. Mary knew him well enough to know that, at the very least.
The weather's clear and it feels wrong for such a dreadful event, not to mention that the sky's never this blue in February. It feels like a mockery, the way it's been raining every day since, just not today.
Mary watches the way Emmeline's a living corpse at his funeral. Part of her wants to go stand by Emmeline and hold her hand. They haven't talked since New Year's. Dorcas is there so that means Marlene's there next to her and Mary lets them keep Emmeline company like she has a choice as she sits behind the Longbottoms. Alice is a wreck and Frank's eyes are puffy, looking like the only thing holding him together is being there for his wife. Alice is seated next to Emmeline with Frank by her other side. She tries to put a reassuring hand on Emmeline's shoulder despite drowning in her own wave of emotions but Emmeline doesn't even flinch at the touch, still as a statue. Dorcas nods at Alice with an understanding and the older woman lets go of her and and leans against Frank's shoulder for most of the funeral, sobbing quiet tears for her lost friend.
Dorcas and Emmeline are the only two people that don't cry at Benjy's funeral, and the sight of it makes Mary want to break down herself. The sight of all of them, really, but she can't, because it's not really her place and she thinks she doesn't really know Benjy well enough to justify such a public display of grief. After all, they weren't really together so who is she to act like the grieving widow? She's also the only one that's not even in the Order so maybe she barely knew him at all - everything he stood for and everything he's accomplished and done. She'll never know him the way they do.
Mary blinks away the tears as she listens to the eulogies they have prepared. She digs her nails into the palm of her hand so hard that it starts to bleed a little but she ignores it because she's in black anyway and it's not like anyone's going to notice when she bleeds into her shirtsleeves. She watches as people go up on the stand one by one to talk about how great Benjy was, as a son, a friend, a brother, a comrade and she only presses in harder into the palm of her hands every time she feels her throat choke up, which happens way too frequently to count. She sees a guy who looks like Benjy, only older, and listens as he pleas that Benjy was supposed to outlive him, that his baby brother wasn't supposed to go before him. When the pain she's inflicting on herself doesn't work, she wipes away the tears with her funeral clothes and her nails find her skin again. She repeats the cycle over and over until the funeral ends.
Dorcas and Emmeline don't go up to the podium to speak. Emmeline doesn't speak, quite literally, and Mary only knows because her eyes have never left Emmeline. She hasn't seen or heard her utter a single word since she arrived.
There's pictures of him everywhere and he's smiling so brightly in every single one of them. Pictures of him at Hogwarts, in a team picture of the Gryffindor quidditch team, pictures with his older brother and the rest of his extended family on family vacations. There's barely any pictures of him after Hogwarts but she thinks that's to be expected. After all, to the outside world, he's just an ordinary Auror. Only a select few knew what he was truly involved in, and what got him killed.
Mary wishes she didn't know either.
They lower his casket into the ground.
---
When Marlene disappears off with Remus somewhere after the service, Mary follows Emmeline and Dorcas from a fair distance, in case either one of them needs her. At least that's what she tells herself - in case Emmeline needs her. Marlene doesn't seem like she's in the right state of mind to be able to comfort her girlfriend either. She's not sure if they've had a fight recently but she knows they've been having a lot of those as the war drags on. Mary knows logically, that grief's not a competition but she catches herself thinking whether Marlene should be the bigger person because it seems like Dorcas is on the receiving end of her wrath, but then again, she knows just how well Marlene can hold a grudge. Mary chastises herself for thinking like that.
Eventually, Dorcas looks over to her and gestures for her to come over. They get ready to leave and Dorcas checks that Mary's alright to apparate herself. Mary watches and Dorcas apparates her and Emmeline, arms wrapped tightly around the other girl, and meets them back at the flat.
The three of them are back home - Dorcas practically lives there anyway - and thrown back into the deafening silence of the flat. Dorcas immediately rushes to the bathroom and Emmeline doesn't make any move to enter the flat, standing where she entered.
Mary hears Dorcas in the bathroom and she wishes she could take away her pain - both of theirs. Much as she likes, she can't be in two places at once, but Dorcas will want her to take care of Emmeline, she tells herself.
"You can stay. If you like." Mary whispers to Emmeline, who's looking like she doesn't know how she got here. It's an invitation as well as a promise for the words unspoken.
When Emmeline leans towards her, tears finally spilling out after seemingly holding it together for so long, Mary knows just what Emmeline needs and pulls her close, holding her tight. There's only so much she can do because she knows what it's like to feel that kind of grief, the kind of pain that tugs into every little muscle and that kind of anger at how unfair everything is. She knows there's not really anything anyone can say or do to take any of it away, so she settles for holding Emmeline closer, arms wrapped tightly around Emmeline's body. Mary doesn't even realise when her own tears fall at the sight of Emmeline, who's shaking like she's falling apart quite literally and if Mary lets go, she'll shatter to pieces. She thinks that what she's feeling is minuscule compared to everything Emmeline's going through and hopeless doesn't even begin to describe the thought of it.
So Mary holds her, for as long as Emmeline needs and just like that, she lets Emmeline fall apart in her arms.
Eventually, Emmeline stops crying, when it becomes too much for her body to handle. She doesn't stop hurting though.
"I'm sorry." Emmeline says with a crack in her voice.
"It's okay."
They're close, foreheads almost touching. She thinks Emmeline wants to kiss her. Or maybe it's the other way round and she wants to kiss Emmeline. She's not sure if she's allowed to think like that, when Emmeline is grieving for her friend, and all Mary can think about is how it'd feel to taste Emmeline's lips. Mary knows she's probably the most self-absorbed person for wanting to kiss Emmeline when she's this broken.
It doesn't escape Mary's thoughts that Emmeline will very likely be next, after Benjy. Maybe this is what Emmeline needed, Mary thinks selfishly. Maybe Benjy needed to die for Emmeline to figure out that she needed out. She hopes Benjy's death will be a wake-up call, that she'll finally understand how truly dangerous it is being in Dumbledore's Order and that it isn't worth sacrificing her own life over it.
So Mary begs.
"Emmeline, please." Mary fights against her own tears as she says. “Please, don’t you—do you see? This is what I…this…”
She knows it's rather cruel, maybe even downright conniving, when she says what she says. But then again, no one ever said Mary Macdonald was a kind person. She'll do what's necessary if it means keeping Emmeline alive. Even if it means pushing Emmeline away.
“Please. Please, Emmeline. You need to get out. You need to leave, while you still can.”
Mary thinks of Benjy, a life too short, ripped apart, quite literally, to shreds at the hands of death eaters. For what? For a war meant to be fought by wizards much older than them, wizards who have lived. For the cause.
Emmeline doesn't react the way Mary expected her to. Maybe she was deluded in believing she would in the first place. It doesn't stop Mary from using Benjy's death as a bargaining tool and Emmeline's grief as a weapon to get what she wants and if Emmeline leaves because of that, she can at least say that she tried.
"Don't." Emmeline backs away from her, and Mary can tell that the anger is starting to build up.
"Please-"
"DON'T!" Emmeline yells, pulling away from Mary. "How the fuck can you say that? What the fuck, Mary? What the fuck?"
"Please. Emmeline, you saw it happen, you know it could be anyone, it could be you-"
"Benjy is dead, Mary! The death eaters killed him! And you want me to what—run away? Run away, when he—he’s—”
"I want you to live." Mary says in between sobs.
Emmeline's vulnerable, and Mary thinks if she makes a decision to leave the Order in this state and holds it against her for the rest of her life, she'll be okay with the consequences because at least Emmeline will be alive. She'll be okay if Emmeline selfishly chooses to live even if that means losing her.
"I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this-I can't. I'm not doing this." Emmeline repeats. Mary thinks the only reason she doesn't just leave is because she doesn't have energy to do so physically.
"Please."
She begs until the both of them are crying and she wishes Emmeline could love her just enough to put all of that behind. Still, who is she to expect anything from Emmeline when she herself can't even admit her own feelings? In another world, there wouldn't be a war and neither of them would have to make this choice. Mary sees the way Emmeline's hurting but she digs in deeper, her nails in Emmeline's heart. It doesn't matter in the end anyway. Emmeline leaves and Mary retreats like a wounded soldier.
No one ever said Mary Macdonald was a kind person.