Coffee Dates and Heartbreaks
Wednesday, 27th June 1979
They first get coffee on a Wednesday.
Mary isn't due for work until four in the afternoon because she's scheduled to work the overnight shift. They each order their second cup of coffee and Mary leaves barely just in time to apparate to Purge and Dowse. Mary thinks she quite enjoys Emmeline's company the first time they meet up outside the walls of St Mungo's, so they do it again. And again. And again. Until it becomes routine. For the summer, at least.
It's familiar, the way in which they talk. It's not like they were anything more than the simplest of friends back during their Hogwarts days. They did spend a bit of time together, but none of it outside of what was necessary for their shared Astronomy class, on occasion spending entire nights together to complete their assignments. That and the few classes that the Gryffindors shared with the Ravenclaws, though they usually only greeted one another in passing, each retreating to separate corners of the classroom where most of their housemates are. Despite being in the same year, the fact that they were in different houses created a divide, though that probably didn't matter in the end. The divide between the Gryffindors and the Ravenclaws were never as stark as the one with the Slytherins, but they still kept their distance.
Nowadays, they get to talk without interruption, until minutes fade into hours and when one of them has to leave due to other obligations, they do so reluctantly and make promises to meet up again. They keep their promises and Mary finds herself looking forward to the next time.
Emmeline tells her what it's like being an Auror and it's something Mary's always been curious about. Emmeline says it's a good outlet for her pent-up energy, which she tells as sort of a joke, but Mary can tell that she loves her job, the way she talks about being able to defend against those who try to do harm. They're both well aware of the horrors they're facing, and Mary thinks Emmeline could have easily been a Gryffindor, the way she has a sort of bravery and a sense of righteousness that can't be taught. She wonders if they would have been great friends if Emmeline had been sorted into Gryffindor then, or if she herself were sorted into Ravenclaw. Emmeline talks about the close calls with a sort of thrill, though the stories usually lead to the subsequent injuries that bring her to St Mungo's and into Mary's care. Emmeline says that Mary's good at fixing her with a sparkle in her eyes and well, if that causes Mary to feel butterflies in her stomach, she doesn't let it show. Instead, Mary rolls her eyes and says that as much as she loves seeing the other girl, she wishes Emmeline wouldn't come in to St Mungo's so often.
"Like seeing me isn't the best part of your day." Emmeline jokes and a blush creeps up Mary's cheeks unwittingly.
Mary shares with Emmeline her own reasons for wanting to be a healer. It's the scariest thing in the world, holding someone else's life in the palm of your hands. The power she has makes it the most frightening thing in the world, and it's a choice, between using your own power to help or to harm. She chooses to heal every time without fail, so she supposes that her and Emmeline are two sides of the same coin in a way, that Emmeline's chosen to defend those who need it against the evils of the world and she herself has chosen to heal those who can't help themselves. They're doing the same thing, just in a different way. They're both passionate about what they do and it makes for easy conversation, talking about what they've been up to since Hogwarts and occasionally reminiscing about their school days as well.
Mary talks about her patients, even the not so kind ones. She talks about the ones that have been blatantly racist to her, or the ones that ask her about her blood status, refusing treatment because of it. Despite the verbal and sometimes, physical, abuse that she gets from her patients, she helps them regardless because that's her job. She refuses Davies' offer to switch patients when the particularly aggressive ones lash out at her because even though she knows he's doing it out of the kindness of his heart, she doesn't need a white knight to save the day, quite literally. She knows she's not in any immediate danger, within the walls of St Mungo's at least, so she tells her patients that don't have a choice as they make demands for another healer. She keeps her cool even though every instinct in her is screaming otherwise and Emmeline says she's a nicer person than she is, and that she'd have let them die then and there. Mary laughs, because she thinks Emmeline's all talk but she would have done the same.
Emmeline brings her to her favourite coffee places all around London. They go to small cafes, hidden in corner booths despite the fact they could both easily pass for muggles with their attire. Neither of them mind the privacy - it allows them to talk more openly. They talk until the changing colours of the skies reminds them that they should probably get going and to leave their conversation for another day. Sometimes, when they have an entire day together, Mary lets Emmeline apparate them further, to towns east of London, close to the sea. Mary brings Emmeline to Manchester once, to her favorite restaurants and they spend the rest of the day out and about the city, because Emmeline's never been. That's how they spend many of their weekdays and weekends off during the summer of 1979.
They're besides the canals in Manchester when Mary first tells Emmeline about what home means to her. Emmeline doesn't talk about that much and Mary figures that she's isn't particularly close with her own family. Mary talks about being born to muggle parents, about little Georgie who's not so little now but turning thirteen this year, and Mary can't believe that she's growing up this quickly. Eli's home from university for the summer until he heads back for his final year in September. She tries her best to go home more often during the summer because they're all there and it's only with all of them there that it feels like they're complete. She wonders if they've gotten used to not having her around sometimes.
Mary tells Emmeline about how hard it is to miss them sometimes, when she's already spent seven years apart from them at Hogwarts and even now that she's out and living in London. She thinks it's a lot of lost time during those seven years, even though she doesn't regret any of it. After all, being a witch is who she is, even if she thinks it's easier sometimes if she weren't given the divide it created between her and the rest of her family. She tells Emmeline about how it felt when McGonagall showed up at her doorstep when she was ten (she was due to turn eleven in August) and how it felt exciting and scary at the same time, the puzzle pieces falling into place.
Mary admits to Emmeline that a lot of the time, she feels like the distance between her and her family is further than the physical distance between Manchester and London. Emmeline says she understands it when Mary tells her how she can't really talk about her work with her parents or with her siblings. Georgie calls her a "wizard doctor" because that's how Mary explained it at first. Her parents try to make an effort, asking her about her week when she comes home, but she supposes muggles aren't really hardwired to believe in the impossible. She thinks it'll always be a barrier between them, and she tries not to be bitter as she talks about it. It leaves her hiding parts of her when she goes home and it's both a blessing and a curse.
Mary tells Emmeline about how she thinks she never would have been smart enough in the muggle world to become a doctor. Emmeline tells her to shut up in a kind way and says that she probably would have been one if she weren't a witch, that it's just a matter of circumstances. That who she is on the inside isn't affected by something like the presence of magic and that she'd like to think that she'd be more or less the same even if she didn't have magic in her. Mary thinks it makes sense, but she also tries really hard not to think about that alternate reality because it's a version of her that she doesn't know how to miss.
On the rare occasions that Emmeline does talks about home, Mary gets the sense that Emmeline isn't particularly close with her mother these days. She's not sure whether she can consider them estranged, but Emmeline doesn't visit home much. From what she's gathered, Emmeline's parents are both muggles and she lost her father her final year away at Hogwarts. When Mary asks if she wants to talk about it, about him, Emmeline declines. She does say that she's always been close with her father so it's not hard to guess the kind of baggage she's been carrying. Mary doesn't ask anymore because she never really knows what to say when someone else talks about their grief. It's one of a few reasons why Emmeline's not particularly close with her mom these days.
She's not sure when they've crossed that line, but it never really goes away, that feeling of butterflies when she first sees Emmeline sitting at a table through the window of a coffee shop. It's there in the way when Emmeline reaches over to wipe a coffee stain from her cheeks, in the way Emmeline reaches for yet another pack of sugar which Mary thinks is disgusting, the sheer amount she adds into her cup, so that it's more sugar than coffee. It's in the way Emmeline's hands brush over Mary's and it sends shivers down her spine. It's there when Mary leans in to say something she doesn't want to admit too loudly, like they haven't already cast charms so muggles don't notice them. It's there when they're sat across the table so when they lean in, their foreheads are almost touching but neither of them try to breach that boundary.
Mary's never been one to make a move, not until she's fairly certain that that's what the other person really wants. But she wonders if she's reading into the little things, because Emmeline hasn't exactly done anything that friends wouldn't do. It's clearer with guys, when she can tell by the way they touch her arm that they're testing the waters. They're less subtle in a way, compared to the way women are. Mary tries not to blush when Emmeline stares at her with that look in her eyes, like there's no one else in the world but her, wondering if it's all in her head.
But there's also the added burden of her suspicions. It's there the first time she sees Emmeline at Sirius' flat for his birthday. It's there, lingering when she sees that her and Dorcas are friends, or at the very least, acquaintances. She tries not to think about it, the fact that Emmeline could very possibly be in the Order with Lily and Marlene and Dorcas and the rest of them. Her injuries could very well simply be a result of her work as an Auror and it doesn't necessarily have to mean that she's doing undercover work for the Order. She tries not to think about the fact that if she is, she's not prepared for anything more with the other girl because she's not going to love someone that'll break her heart when they eventually die in the war.
But right now, Mary's happy and she likes the feeling of spending time with Emmeline and the other girl has made no indication that she wants to pursue any relationship with her besides being friends. So Mary doesn't read into it. Mary doesn't think that there's any more to it when their hands brush against one another and she tries not to think about the fact that a part of her wants more from Emmeline. She simply holds on to that feeling of happiness and bliss like it's a drug and tries not to think about all the things that could go terribly wrong if she lets herself dive headfirst into these feelings.
August 1979
When Emmeline asks if she wants to tag along with her, Benjy, Alice and Frank to dinner at the Leaky Cauldron one night in August, Mary's not sure what to think. She feels like a plus one though that would indicate that her and Emmeline are something other than friends, which they are definitely, irrevocably not, despite all the thoughts whirling inside her head that would like to convince her otherwise. But then again, Mary's pretty good at denial when it comes to matters of the heart.
She's friends with Benjy, sort of, and it's not like she doesn't know Alice and Frank either. The pair were a few years ahead of them in Hogwarts and back then, it felt like those few years made all the difference. After all, they were head girl and boy during their final year at Hogwarts and she'd always looked up to those two, with a sense of awe and admiration. They weren't unapproachable by any means, but they were a bit of a power couple during those days and she had felt intimidated by them at one point or another. Now that they've graduated, they've gone and gotten married and from the looks of it, their relationship is still going strong, both working as Aurors at the Ministry.
So, Mary tags along to dinner and gets to know Alice and Frank a little better. Now that she's older and less intimidated by them, she falls into easy, casual conversation with them, particularly Alice, who comes off as funny and easygoing. Dorcas couldn't make it to dinner, and Mary knows privately it's because she's on a date night with Marlene and she's kindly asked (forced) Mary to vacate the apartment so that she can surprise Marlene with a homemade meal.
It's just the five of them as fall into a corner booth at the Leaky Cauldron. Mary's pressed against the glass on one side of the bench. It's a tight fit because this is supposed to be a four-person booth but they've managed with Emmeline squeezed in besides her, Benjy on Emmeline's other side. It's cozy, to say the least.
They order food and drinks and Mary tries not to drink that much. She doesn't want to make a fool of herself around this bunch, given that they seem much more sophisticated than the usual crowds she hangs out with, namely Potter and Black, but by the third round it hardly matters.
Alice is the happy kind of drunk and so is Benjy, whose laugh Mary thinks is contagious. He also becomes wistful after a few, staring at Alice in a way that can only be interpreted as loving and Emmeline... she's just Emmeline. She can't help notice the way she looks with her cheeks flushed, a faraway look in her eyes and she catches the other girl stealing glances at her every now and then. But then again, the only reason she catches her is because she's doing just the same. She's all too aware of the fact that her thigh's pressed against Emmeline's jeans, something that would feel much more innocent if her feelings towards Emmeline were completely platonic. It doesn't help that Benjy keeps reaching across the table for chips and Emmeline leans closer towards Mary to give him some space.
She learns quickly that Emmeline doesn't talk a lot when it's a large crowd. That's okay because Mary keeps the conversation going with Benjy and Alice and she thinks that they make a pretty good team. They all do. They talk about the things they get up to at work like they're reminiscing about the good old times, even though it's been barely a year since they've started working together so the events they're recalling couldn't have occured more than a few months ago.
Alice talks about Dorcas with a sort of fondness at the things she does, which she supposes has something to do with the powerfulness of her magic. She talks about Benjy with a sort of pride and she talks about Emmeline with a sense of protectiveness. Alice lays her head against Frank's shoulder and Frank has his arms wrapped around her for the majority of the night. Mary can't help but think she'd make a good mother one day, the way she talks about all of them like they're her children, though she's only a couple of years older.
They talk about quidditch for a bit, or more accurately, Frank and Benjy do. Alice and Mary bond over the quidditch fever that has taken over Hogwarts like a plague, especially when Mary's been surrounded by the likes of Marlene McKinnon and James Potter.
"Do you play?" Alice asks, nodding in Emmeline's direction.
"I like a casual game or two, just not enough to actually try out for the house team."
"I like you less all of a sudden." Mary jokes and there's a flicker in her eyes before Emmeline retaliates.
"Like you've never drooled over the guys on the Gryffindor team."
Maybe Mary's imagining it, but Emmeline's cheeks seems a little redder than it had a second ago.
"Can't say I haven't been guilty of that." Alice quips.
In unison, the three of them glance over at the two guys talking animatedly about who's winning the Quidditch World Cup this season and they burst into laughter. Benjy and Frank were both on the Quiddtch team some time during their seven years at Hogwarts, though never at the same time. Their laughter causes the two guys to stare back with confused expressions on their faces. When the girls refuse to explain, Benjy pouts and Frank leans into Alice, whispering something into Alice's ear Mary can't quite hear from where she's sitting.
By the end of the night, Alice is stumbling into Frank's arms and he still looks at her like he's falling in love with her for the first time all over again. Benjy bids them farewell as well, and he apparates away with a crack.
All of a sudden, it's just the two of them left and Emmeline's standing in the doorway to the crowded pub, hands in her pocket like she's looking for a reason for the night to last a little longer too. It's way past midnight and they should probably head home. The streets are mostly empty at this point and there's really no reason for them to stay any longer.
"Do you smoke?" Mary finds herself asking, her brain barely registering what she's just said.
"Yes." Emmeline responds swiftly.
Mary drags Emmeline by the hand into the back alley behind the pub and leans against this dirty brick wall. She figures the alley is secluded enough so Mary lifts two cigarettes from her pockets without taking out the box. She gives one to Emmeline, holding the other with her lips and teeth.
Once Emmeline has her cigarette in her mouth, Mary tugs on the other girl's shirt, causing Emmeline to stumble forward a little bit, and then they're almost touching, face to face, like they always are. It's always almost, never skin against skin, at least not for too long. Her hands are just besides Emmeline's hips, just in case she falls. Emmeline has her palm pressed against an empty space on the wall and they hold each other's gazes like that for while, as if each daring the other to back away first.
Their cigarettes are almost touching and Mary's hand is still wrapped in Emmeline's shirt, holding her steady and hands refusing to let go. Mary performs this neat little trick that Remus taught her to light cigarettes, a bit of wandless and wordless magic. It's the only spell she can cast like that, though she's never done it like this before, two cigarettes at once. Mary can feel Emmeline exhaling through the gap between her lips, her chest shifting as she breathes in and out. Her breathing pattern unconsciously syncs with the other girl and she wonders if the other girl can hear her own heart pounding as she casts the non-verbal spell.
She sees the small orange light flicker in front of Emmeline's face and she turns her head to stare at the graffiti on the wall besides her because if she looks at Emmeline for a second longer, Mary will want to kiss her.
So instead, Mary sucks on her own cigarette and wishes she has something else between her lips. She lets the white smoke cloud up the air in between them and thinks of what it would be like to exhale a cigarette between Emmeline's lips.
Mary waits for Emmelime to do the same and then comes the realisation that the other girl doesn't actually smoke - maybe she just wanted an excuse to stay. Maybe she hasn't been reading the signs wrong after all. Emmeline holds her gaze when Mary exhales, eventually shifting to her lips.
"Thought you said you smoke?" Mary says with her eyebrows raised after Emmeline tries, unsuccessfully, to stifle a cough after inhaling on her own cigarette.
"I don't." Emmeline admits.
Mary thinks she must have given Emmeline the go ahead with that look in her eyes because the next thing she knows, Emmeline sways forward, cigarette in hand, so there's nothing in between them now. Mary knows they've both had a bit to drink tonight, but Emmeline seems more sober than ever and the reason Mary's head feels hazy isn't because of the alcohol.
Suddenly, Emmeline's leaning forward and Mary's hands are right besides her hips but she doesn't hold her. She doesn't pull her closer but she doesn't push her away either.
Her breath hitches when Emmeline's hands are suddenly on her neck, and that's all it takes for her for her brain to flip the switch. She finds her own hands fisted in Emmeline's shirt, knuckles brushing against Emmeline's skin and she wants this. She wants this so desperately it hurts. She wants to kiss Emmeline, or maybe she wants Emmeline to kiss her, and Emmeline's hands on her neck, her mouth on her skin and if she were a little bit weaker, she probably would have just let it happen.
But Mary isn't weak, at least not with the promises she's made to herself. There's no ending in which this goes well, and it takes every ounce of self restraint for Mary to speak.
"Wait." Mary says breathlessly.
Emmeline's eyes are closed and she makes no further effort to move away. They're so close, that Mary can feel Emmeline's lips almost pressed against hers.
"Wait." Mary says again, almost a whisper this time. Emmeline's head is practically buried in her neck now.
"Mary."
God, she loves the way her names falls off Emmeline's tongue.
It's stupid and she knows it. But part of her needs to know that Emmeline isn't going to die after she makes Mary fall for her. She needs to know that this isn't just in her head. She asks even though she thinks she already knows the answer so she just needs to hear it, to know that it isn't her fault for walking away from whatever this is.
"I need you to tell me something. First."
The weight of everything unspoken in those few words falls on the both of them, and it takes everything in Mary to ask what she's wanted - no, needed - to know for a while now.
"Tell me that you're not in the Order."
She hopes her voice sounds stronger than she is, desperately hoping that Emmeline will say she isn't.
When Emmeline doesn't speak, it's enough for Mary to take a step back.
"Right. That's what I thought."
It takes everything in her to pull away from the other girl and to keep the tears in her eyes from falling.
"Mary-" Emmeline tries to reason with her.
"I think we should stop." Mary says the same time Emmeline calls out her name.
"Stop what?" Emmeline asks, and the fact that she's asking that, well, Mary supposes it lights the flare inside of her.
"You know what." Mary retorts.
"What? Just because I'm...just because-" It's obvious that Emmeline can't even find it in herself the words to admit that she's in the Order, though she's done just about everything to prove Mary right.
"You can have me, or your war. You can't have both." Mary says, unable to hide the venom in her voice.
"What?" Emmeline says angrily. "It's not my war - what the fuck are you on about? I'd think that you, of all people, would understand - you know what will happen to people like us if the death eaters get their way -"
"Don't you dare." Mary breaks Emmeline off. "Do you have any idea what it's like to watch every single one of my friends get fucking...eaten by this? Do you have any idea what it's like to beg - to fucking beg the kids I've known since we were - since we were eleven-" Mary barely manages to choke out the words, let alone form the rest of her sentence, her speech clouded by heavy emotions.
Emmeline steps forward, whether out of instinct or out of something more, she supposes neither of them knows.
Mary hates that she cries when she's mad but she does when she makes the tearful confession. She's given up on begging her friends not to throw away their lives to a cause that's far beyond their control. Still, it doesn't have to mean that she has to open herself up to one more person that's wrapped up in it all - someone who wants to be the saviour and doesn't care if they die in the process.
Mary knows truthfully that she should have ended things long ago, and well, if this is the catalyst that moves things forward..
When Emmeline moves towards her, Mary takes a step back, dancing like the same poles of two magnets. She doesn't want to be consoled - not by Emmeline. Not by anyone.
"Don't." Mary says, and the fury in her goes out like her cigarette does, the latter of which she lets fall to the ground. She wipes away her tears with the back of her hand, wishing she were stronger for this conversation.
"I'm not choosing someone who can't choose me." Mary's voice is still shaking but much steadier now. "I already - I already let this go on for longer than I should have."
Fancying Emmeline Vance had never been a good idea to begin with, so it's about time she admits to herself that she's been lying to herself when she thought she could live like this, toeing the fine line between friendship and something more. If they never do anything about it, she supposes it'd be easier when she eventually loses the other girl to Dumbledore's war.
But staying in the grey area, that never really made a difference when it came to matters of the heart, did it? She'd be a fool to think she didn't have any part in this, that she wasn't to be blamed for letting things get to this - a point of no return. The right thing to do - no the wise thing to do, though no one ever called Mary Macdonald wise - was to walk away. She'e be okay eventually, that she knew.
"I'm sorry, Emmeline. I have to go." The way Emmeline's name rolls off her tongue manages to sound so right and so wrong at the same time.
Losing something she never had - her heart had no right feeling this heavy. Still, the night ends with Mary walking away, feeling Emmeline's gaze on her, her heart heavier than it's been in a while.
Anyone who says heartbreak doesn't hurt physically, well, they've had the luxury of not getting their heart broken by Emmeline Vance.