Snow Angels
Sunday, 31st December 1978
They're all gathered at Mary and Marlene's flat on the last day of 1978. It's a simple get-together, and though she knows, realistically, that they've graduated only half a year ago, it feels like having to coincide the version of herself at Hogwarts and the version of herself outside of it at times.
She wonders what it must feel for the rest of them, Hogwarts feeling more and more like a distant memory with each and every passing day. She's not even part of the war but she feels the drain of it all too well. She wonders what it must feel for Marlene, for Lily and for Dorcas. She sees them at their lowest, when she comes home to Marlene drinking alone in the flat, still in her funeral clothes. She sees the two of them come home together, dressed in black and it's not hard to assume. No one particularly close to them has died, yet, as far as she knows, but she knows that there's been more than a few Order members that have sacrificed their lives for the cause.
She's seen her fair share of deaths at St Mungo's, and she thinks, for the most part, that she's learned to compartmentalise. She thinks she has, when she watches patients get carted off with a piece of cloth draped over their lifeless bodies. She wonders whether wizards get buried, or cremated, but she doesn't have the heart to ask. Not yet. She cleans up whatever they have left in the bedside drawer and stuffs them into a box, labeling them by name, patient number and date of death. Then she moves on to the patients that can actually be saved. It's an endless cycle of life and death.
She thinks she's better at compartmentalising than Williams and Davies are, though she knows it isn't exactly a competition. But then again, maybe it's just her own delusion in the way that she knows their tells, the way Davies starts fidgeting and his eyes gets this glassy look and he excuses himself to go to the bathroom. He comes back and he looks okay, because what other choice do they have? Williams is different. She acts out when she's sad, and she gets steadily crankier during their shifts and they've both learned to stay out of her way when she starts closing drawers and cupboards with a little more force then necessary.
They're all pretty decent at healing magic but none of them really know how to handle the inevitable emotions that come with being a healer. Healer Bailey, stern as she is, tried talking to them about it once, telling them if they ever need anyone to talk to about how tough this job is, that she's there. That conversation was, well, uncomfortable to say the least. It's not like any of them are going to cry about it to their boss when things get hard.
Mary doesn't think about the patients she's lost until she's at the lowest of her lows. There are some that try to converse with her, by the end. She tries to be polite. She tries to keep a smile on her face as they talk about their family and make small talk about the weather. She knows that being there for their patients is part and parcel of being a healer, but she also knows that if she really pays attention to their last words, she'll actually start to care and if they don't make it, she'll break. So she busies herself while they talk about their loved ones, their final regrets and the things they're most proud of and when she walks away, she puts whatever they've said into an imaginary bottle and screws the lid on tight. She tries not to remember the smile on their faces when the light goes out in their eyes.
She thinks it's hard enough, watching people she doesn't know die. She wonders what it feels for Marlene and the rest of them to watch their fellow soldiers die.
But it's the end of 1978 and they're hosting their annual end-of-year party, albeit in a different setting, so Mary tries not to think about work. Lily is trying to get Sirius and James to stop flying on their brooms in the middle of the crowded living room. Remus and Dorcas are in the kitchen making drinks. Marlene's caved at Peter's plea of the final chess match of 1978, like he isn't going to be crowned winner either way.
Alice and Frank are on the sofa, with Benjy leaning against the wall next to them. The glass in his hand is empty and she's about to ask him if he wants more to drink when she sees Emmeline come out of the kitchen with a tray full of whatever Remus and Dorcas seem to have prepared - six shot glasses on the tray, the liquid inside in varying colours.
Mary smiles politely at Emmeline when she catches her eye from across the room. Emmeline joins Alice and Frank on the sofa and they start talking animatedly about something that Mary's too far away to be able to hear. Benjy frowns at the drinks playfully but takes the one that's the colour of his eyes and downs it. Mary tries to hide the smile on her face as Benjy chooses the yellow-coloured drink for Emmeline and she can tell by the look they're sharing that they're thinking the same thing.
"Who are you looking at?"
Sirius creeps up from behind and whispers in her ear. Mary almost drops the glass she's holding but quickly gets a hold of herself, before downing the rest of her drink and shoving Sirius in the ribs.
"No one."
Sirius pouts and glances at the general direction Mary's been staring at, the group of the four of them on the sofa. He leans his head into Mary's shoulder.
"So you're either pining for Benjy or Emmeline. Oh, wait, I know. It has to be Frank." Sirius whispers into her ears and Mary doesn't look at him but she can tell that he's smirking. "I'm terribly sorry but I'm going to have to tell Alice to watch out." Sirius jokes, just loud enough for Mary to hear.
"Bastard."
"No, seriously, tell me who it is. I'll be your wingman."
Mary rolls her eyes at Sirius and he laughs in response. She's still staring at the way the four of them are acting. Benjy's laughing at something so hard that he's almost falling against Emmeline. Emmeline's pushing Benjy away though she looks like she's trying to hide her smile as well. Alice is continuing with whatever story she's telling which only makes the two of them laugh harder. Frank's the only one that's containing his laughter, probably only because he's heard the story before.
At some point, Mary looks away and announces. "I need some air."
"You want company?" Sirius offers.
"If you must." Mary rolls her eyes and flashes as exaggerated smile. They've known each other long enough that Mary's sure Sirius knows she's just messing around. Sirius, in turns, follows her like a giddy kid which Mary attributes to the alcohol in his system. Still, his perkiness is contagious, to say the least, and Mary finds herself resisting a smile as Sirius follows her up to the roof like a dog.
It's freezing up there, but one of them had the foresight to cast a heating charm on their jackets on the way up and it wasn't Mary Macdonald. The temperature feels just right with the charm and she digs out her gloves from her coat pocket but refrains from pulling her hood up. Letting herself feel the cold breeze on her face makes her feel alive in a way. It seems to have stopped snowing, for a bit, though she's not sure whether it's genuinely stopped or whether it's just a side effect of Sirius' heating charm. The cars on the side of the street enveloped by the snow seem to answer that.
Sirius takes out a box of cigarettes from his jacket pocket and finds that it's the last one. He shrugs apologetically and shows Mary the empty pack when she stretches out a hand for one.
"You know it's not healthy for you." Mary says.
It's Sirius' turn to roll his eyes and he puts the cigarette in between his lips. Mary doesn't miss a beat as she snaps her fingers to light the cigarette. After all, Sirius is the one who taught her how to do that.
"Like any of us are going to live long enough to have our lungs damaged. Plus, there are spells for that. We're not going to die of lung cancer." He exhales and hands her the cigarette. Mary lifts it from his fingertips and thinks he has a pretty good point as she takes a whiff of the same.
"Look who's been paying attention in Muggle Studies."
Sirius steals the cigarette back from Mary and Mary scoops up a handful of snow from the edge of the roof. She lets it slip through her fingers before doing it again.
"So," The look in Sirius eyes tells Mary that she's not going to welcome this conversation. "Benjy's single, last I heard. If you need a wingman."
"In case you haven't noticed, I'm perfectly capable of asking someone out if I want to, thank you."
"Yes, ma'am." Sirius says in a mock salute. Mary swats away his hand and Sirius very narrowly avoids being hit.
"So, does that mean you don't need me to put in a good word for you?" Sirius continues to pester Mary, a cheeky smile on his face.
"Sirius, I swear, I'm going to strangle you and throw you off this building." Mary deadpans.
Sirius lifts his hands in surrender, cigarette in between his fingers and Mary uses the opportunity to swipe it away from him.
They stand there in silence for a bit, passing the fag back and forth. They stare at the night sky and it's peaceful, the way she's able to be this comfortable with him. They dated for a bit, back during third year, back when neither of them really knew what they were doing. Back when the two of them barely knew what feelings meant, let alone decipher each other's which led to a lot of heated fights that Mary would rather call passionate. But that had been a lifetime ago. In this, they share a mutual understanding that they're still friends after all that back and forth.
"Ah, there it is, the star that's named after me."
Mary rolls her eyes at Sirius' choice of words but still looks in the direction he's pointing at. Surely, the star shines bright above the rest.
"Has anyone ever told you that you're rather conceited?"
"Me? No, never." Mary raises her eyebrows as Sirius feigns offense. "What ever gave you that impression, m'lady?" Sirius says in that posh accent of his that he rarely uses anymore these days. Mary can't help but laugh at his goofiness.
"Does Benjy know? About you and Remus?" Mary asks out of the blue.
"That was a complete one-eighty." Sirius turns his head to look at Mary, who's still staring straight ahead into the night sky.
"Humour me." She says, still avoiding his gaze.
"Yes and no. He caught us once. In the quidditch locker rooms. We'd lost a game and I was moping about in the locker rooms after everyone had left. Remus came in to try and cheer me up-"
"Okay, I didn't need to know that." Mary cuts him off mid-sentence. "In the quidditch locker rooms? Seriously?"
"I'm always-"
Mary cuts him off before he gets to finish his sentence.
"So Benjy caught you and Remus shagging in the quidditch locker rooms-"
"Merlin, that's not what I meant." Sirius rolls his eyes at Mary. "Remus was just trying to get me back to our dorm-"
"Again, I did not need to know that."
"It is not my fault you have a one-track mind." Sirius exclaims. Mary tries to say something but Sirius doesn't let up. "Let me finish before you start getting so horny you jump my bones here and now because in case you haven't noticed, I have a boyfriend who I'm head over heels for. No offense, you're pretty and all but he'd actually murder me and then you if I let things go too far between us."
Mary's amazed at how Sirius actually managed to say all of that within one breath. "Bastard."
"Prick."
"Wanker."
"Likewise."
"Anyway, as I was saying, I'd finally gotten out of the shower when Remus came in and naturally, we started snogging on one of the benches. A minute later, or maybe it was five, I don't actually remember. Anyway, Benjy walks in and Remus jumps up like a bloody rabbit, slamming himself against one of the lockers and I stood up so quickly that my towel fell off and well, it was in a way where there couldn't possibly be any misunderstanding as to what we were doing because, well..."
Sirius' voice trails off mid-sentence and the only sound on that roof's the sound of Mary's laughter.
"So I'm bare-assed, with a hard on, and Remus reeling from his concussion on the other side of the room. Benjy runs out of the room faster than I'd ever seen him fly on the quidditch pitch. He couldn't look me in the eyes for weeks after that."
"Poor Remus." Mary manages to get out despite still finding a way to stifle her laughter. "Poor Benjy. Imagine walking in on that."
"First of all, not a lot of people get full-frontal Sirius Black so he should consider himself lucky."
"I've seen it and well, it's not that impressive." Mary says with a grimace and Sirius' jaw drops with a look of horror.
"Take that back."
Mary shrugs. "Don't think I will."
"Second of all, I think the situation warrants a bit more sympathy, or empathy, whatever-"
"My sympathy and empathy goes out to Benjamin Fenwick and Benjamin Fenwick only." Mary says with a solemn look on her face which lasts for seconds before she bursts out into laughter once again.
"So to answer your question, Miss Macdonald, I'm pretty sure Benjy knows, but he's never said anything about it since then so I'm not even sure if he remembers."
"Oh, he remembers. Trauma like that, it's hard to forget."
"Shut up."
"You first."
Mary's still laughing by the time they head back to the flat.
"James is going to propose tonight."
Remus is sitting on the countertop in the kitchen. Last she saw, Marlene and Dorcas have disappeared and their bedroom door's locked, so it doesn't take a genius to figure out what they're doing. She supposes that's the reason Remus is smoking weed alone in the kitchen when she enters.
Mary's digging through the shelves for another wine opener because James drunkenly vanished the other one in an experiment gone wrong. She wouldn't be surprised if one of their neighbours found it. Mary doesn't trust him in his drunken state to vanish the cork to the bottle of red that one of her patients gifted her. She's not sure but it seems expensive so she wants to do it the proper way. The muggle way.
"Congratulations, Remus. I'm really happy for you and James." Mary doesn't miss a beat but she doesn't turn around either.
"To Lily, you wanker."
Mary smiles as she glances at Remus, who seems to be lost in thought. It's not like she isn't happy for James and Lily, it's just, they've barely graduated from Hogwarts and it still feels like they're too young. But then again, if she were going to place bets on who would manage to make a marriage last among their friend group, it would be James and Lily.
"I know." Mary pauses. "Don't suppose you'd know where the wine opener is, would you?" Mary asks after going through the fourth drawer.
"No, but I think you've forgotten something crucial."
Mary looks up at Remus from where she's kneeling on the floor, reaching for one of the lower cupboards.
"Mary Macdonald, I hate to break it to you but you're a witch-" Remus says with a grin on his face. "Accio, wine-opener." Remus flashes a smile as he hands the wine-opener to her after summoning it.
Mary doesn't know whether to yell at Remus or whether to thank him, so she settles for punching him in the chest.
"Did James tell you he was planning on proposing?" Remus asks after a while.
"Lily already knows. You do know that the words James Potter and subtlety don't really go together."
"True." Remus lets out a laugh. "She's going to say yes, isn't she?"
"I love you, Remus, but I'm not betraying my girl by telling you that."
"Ah, but you already have. See, if she were going to say no, you'd have told one of us so we would spare James the embarrassment."
There's no doubt Lily's going to say yes, even though Lily's probably casting those within her own head. They've all known that since fourth year, even though James and Lily themselves only realised until seventh year.
"Maybe I just like watching James Potter make a fool out of himself."
"Now that's a bloody lie because I know he makes enough of a fool out of himself for your entertainment."
"That is true."
Mary slides the screw into the cork, trying to get the right angle. She could easily just vanish the cork if she makes a blunder of it but she hopes it doesn't come to that. When she figures she's gotten the screw into the cork the right way, she spins the handle until it slides seamlessly inside it.
"When's he going to do it?" Mary asks, still slowly spinning the wine opener.
"Well, we told him that Lily would rather he do it privately, the proposal at least. He's supposed to do it when they get home tonight. Though I take no responsibility if that wanker doesn't listen."
"I think the only thing James is capable of is grand gestures."
Remus lets out a laugh. Mary pushes the handles down and the cork slides out with a popping sound. She puts the bottle to a side and leans against the tabletop, tiptoeing to position herself on the countertop, sitting next to Remus. It becomes quieter outside as she hears the scratch of the record, but it's remedied quickly by whoever's in charge of the record player as another Bowie album is put on. There's a nostalgic smile on Mary's face as she listens to the song open with the familiar sound of the drums.
"Would you marry Sirius if you could?"
And all the nobody people
And all the somebody people
I never thought I'd need so many people
"I doubt he wants to get married." Remus is quick to answer, but it's not what Mary's been asking. She also highly doubts that it's true but she's not going to break that to Remus.
"What if he does?" Mary prompts.
"Well, then, I'm not the marrying sort."
Mary doesn't speak, though she does shift her gaze to look at Remus.
"I mean, you know. I'd never thought I'd have any friends growing up with my condition. Hogwarts was never supposed to happen then it did. People like me don't meet people like Sirius in my world, so I guess options have never really been my thing."
Your face, your race, the way that you talk
I kiss, you're beautiful, I want you to walk
"Anyway, it's not something I'll ever have to think about." Remus shrugs. He doesn't let it show, but Mary knows Remus long enough to know that he doesn't really show it when he's sad. He feigns indifference but deep down, both of them know that it's not fair, the fact that people like Remus and Sirius will never be able to get married. To publicly declare their love for one another at a wedding.
But Mary doesn't press, and when Remus jumps off the counter, holding out a hand for her to grab, she takes it and he drags them out of the kitchen, the music and the sounds of their friends screaming the lyrics at the top of their lungs.
We've got five years, what a surprise
We've got five years, stuck on my eyes
We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot
Five years, that's all we've got
"Dance with me." Mary grabs a hold of Remus, who's still looking rather solemn after their conversation and she's determined to change that. They dance clumsily in the living room, and soon the rest of them are following along, screaming out the lyrics to Bowie's voice.
They toast champagne and suddenly, it's the start of a new year.
By the time it's closer to dawn than it is to the night before, most of the guests are gone and it's just the eight of them left in the flat.
The snow's stopped for a bit, so when Remus suggests they go out and make snow angels, Mary's the only one that meets his enthusiasm and the others are skeptical about what that is. Lily's only protesting because it's too cold out there, and although James is obviously drunk for him to be so excited about rolling about in the snow.
Remus tasks Sirius with showing them how it's done and the next thing they know, James, Sirius and Peter are rolling around in the snow like the drunken idiots they are. Mary tackles Marlene onto the ground and Marlene pulls Dorcas down. James tries to do the same to Lily which ends up with the two of them running down the street and they don't come back for a while, though the rest of them are too busy having fun to notice.
After a while, Remus and the girls are standing by one side. James, Peter and Sirius are engaged in a rather riveting snowball fight. Pete's keeping score in a rather biased way, to Sirius' protests. Mary laughs as James' snowball misses Sirius' head by an inch and Peter gives James a point anyway.
***
"I love him, you know."
"That snowman over there?
Mary and Lily are watching as the rest of them attempt to build a snowman without magic. Sirius is suggesting they just use a Sticking Charm to get the snowman's head on its body and Remus asks him sarcastically if he would like to bring the snowman to life as well.
Lily rolls her eyes at Mary.
"You should tell him. I mean, he does look rather fetching in this light, and who knows, they might get his head straight on eventually-" Mary watches as the head rolls off once again. "Or maybe not."
Lily gives her a light-hearted laugh before she continues.
"I think he's going to ask me to marry him."
"You've already said." Mary reminds her. They've had this conversation a couple of times the past month.
"I mean, I think he's going to ask me to marry him tonight."
There's this look in Lily's eyes and even though Mary knows Lily's expressions like the back of her hand, there's something that Mary didn't expect. She's not sure whether it's fear, or something resembling uncertainty.
"You're gonna say yes, aren't you?" Mary says with a frown.
"I-" Lily starts then pauses again. "I'm just worried that we're rushing it, you know? But I think James wants to get married while his parents are still around. I think he's starting to realise that they're growing old, not that he'll admit it. But I mean, we all know how short life can be. Muggles and wizards alike."
Mary leans into Lily, her way of comforting the other girl. The red-haired girl lost her parents back when they were still in school so she knows that's where her mind is right now. They've all lost someone, one way or the other, at this point of their lives. But for Lily to lose her parents the way she did, in one fell swoop at such a young age, she knows that she can try to emphasise with her, but she hopes she never understands that feeling, as selfish at that sounds.
"I really do love him."
Mary doesn't speak because she knows Lily is just thinking out loud.
"I'm just not sure whether I want to settle down this early. We've got the rest of our lives to get married."
"I mean, there is a difference between settling down and settling."
"That's true." Lily echoes.
"It's not like you're going to be doing things differently. You're already living at the Potter manor so you've got that part sorted. The two of you will just be doing the same things. The only difference is that you'll be married."
Mary watches as Lily contemplates her words.
"Okay, let's put it this way. Do you have any doubt that he's not the one?"
"Absolutely not."
"Well, then. I suppose you have your answer."