In my room
The silence stretched around them, almost stifling as Regulus waited for Sirius to undoubtedly blow. That was the only way they seemed to communicate the little that they did since coming to Hogwarts. Screaming accusations and snide comments in passing thrown across to a blank mask that was Regulus. But of course he gave as good as he got and could never leave without a biting comment and bland smile.
He didn't have to wait long for the anger to take hold of Sirius as he stared spewing questions, “Where the fuck were you? And why were you with her?!”
“Wouldn’t you like to know.” Reg smiled sarcastically and raised a perfectly sculpted brow, “What’s it to you anyways?”
“I was fucking worried Reg!”
“You know it’s funny, you’re not the only lion this month that’s told me they were worried about me. I seem to be a hot commodity amongst you folk.” Regulus' lips twitched into a cruel smile, “But if you must know I was simply talking with my cousin. Is that so wrong?”
“What the fuck Regulus? Walburga gives you that now you’re playing host with the stuck up pureblood princess and for some reason I thought you’d be smarter and know not to trust her.”
“You really are something Sirius.” Regulus scoffed, “ What? Did you think running away to the Potters would make you any less a Black? Did you suddenly think you’re any less pureblood because you’re in Gryffindor? Did you actually think you could escape your blood?”
The punch came with such force Regulus stumbled a bit. The hysteria that was already sinking its claws into him suddenly came in the form of a biting laugh. Throwing his head back, Regulus laughed and laughed until the blood that was pouring out of his nose trickled to the ground.
He didn’t even bother to wipe his nose let alone fix it. He let the blood drip and gather at his feet, locking eyes with his brother who shook out his fist and glared at him. “You’re no better than any other prejudiced pureblood if you think getting disowned was the only way of escaping.”
“You fucking left too Regulus! Don’t go playing all fucking high and mighty because you were disowned too. You’re no better than me. ” Sirius hissed out at him.
And oh, he wasn’t disowned after all but Regulus wasn’t going to tell him that. Not at all. With a grin he knew the girls hated as it reminded them too much of Walburga he stepped towards Sirius as he spoke.
“I would have stayed until I graduated then left. If it wasn’t for the fact that I made a promise not to let the bitch kill me then I would have let myself bleed out on her marble floors. Unfortunately not all of us have the illustrious Potters to take us in. Narcissa did what she could to leave and still be a part of the family. Bellatrix, is the same and as much as she’s batshit, hates it there and took the only way out through marriage. Andromeda who I think you fucking forget was in Slytherin, only left for a love that would see her dreams to fruition.”
“You have no right to judge her or any of us when you came from the same fucking vine as us. So tell me Sirius. What do you want from me? What do you want me to say? Tell me how I can fucking slice myself to pieces to fit your mould. Your friends seem rather persistent in getting us to talk." The sneer that stretched his lips thin did not wane as he moved towards the older boy.
“So.” Step.
“What.” Step.
“Is.” Step.
“It.” Step.
Regulus didn’t stop until he was merely a few inches between him and his brother which, to his amusement, was slightly shorter than him. He could see the unease that flickered across his brother’s eyes, so much like his yet lighter. The tenseness that held onto his shoulders as he took in what Regulus had said, jaw clenched.
“You were the prodigal son. The perfect Black heir. You sorted into Slytherin and suddenly you were no longer the little Reggie who stargazed and made flower crowns for the demented creatures around the house. Suddenly you were hers, watching from the shadows as she fucking killed me piece by piece and did nothing. You weren’t mine anymore.”
Regulus simply stared at him. Was that what he believed? That he just hid and watched? Did he not see his mother curse him too? Was his punishment not to watch and not be able to do anything?
“You were everything I wasn’t! She loved you Regulus. What was I supposed to think when she cursed my very name and worshipped yours? The perfect son, her darling heir Regulus Black. How the fuck was I supposed to know you weren’t her little minion?!”
“She loved me? Sirius, Walburga doesn’t know how to love.” Regulus spat, “Orion doesn’t care about anyone besides himself and power. Did you ever for once think I was simply playing a part to survive? Did you ever think to yourself that I was perhaps playing along until we could leave?”
“Right. And I guess just standing back and letting her torture me was survival and part of your lovely plan?” Sirius rolled his eyes and stared at him, daring him to refute his statement.
“You really think I did nothing? For fucks sake Sirius! She cursed me! Almost every fucking time she cursed me and left me caged against those skeletal arms from some obscure spell she found. I tried every time to stop it. Sometimes it worked and other times I paid for it but you just kept provoking her. Then you left.”
“I-what?” Sirius looked at him as if he just claimed to be the Bloody Baron. His face turned ashen yet Regulus ignored him, finally fixing his nose yet leaving the blood. Cas would undoubtedly help him clean that later. She had the best spells to remove blood from clothing after all.
“No no no no no. No Reggie no I-she was supposed to leave you alone.”
A hollow laugh escaped him then, in a way his brother could be so naive sometimes. Regulus had learnt early on that their mother’s promises were worthless. “My magic was fucked like Aunt Cassie’s and we all know Wally hated her. She wouldn’t have left me alone Sirius, no matter what she told you. From the moment I was born she was destined to despise me simply for the magic I can wield that she could never.”
He could see the war that was waging in Sirius, he could feel the unhinged buzz of his magic as it ached to combust. The grey eyes that were much like his yet lighter turned thunder-some. The understanding that suddenly flashed through them as he locked eyes with Regulus left the older boy to crumple in on himself.
“She swore on her magic she wouldn’t harm you.” A fractured whisper floated in the chasm between them. “You were supposed to be safe.”
“She lied.” Regulus muttered softly, the fight slowly draining out of him, “She never truly swears on her magic.”
Tilting his head to the sky to find the stars blinking down on him almost cruelly, taunting him as they watched the brothers fight and claw themselves apart. Perhaps this was their form of sick entertainment. To watch their human namesakes cry and bleed. He idly wondered if mother magic regretted bestowing her magic upon descendants of the ancient families. If people like their mother made her rage at their blatant abuse of their magic.
Moments passed as Sirius caught his breath before Regulus, as if he were almost afraid to say it out loud mumbled out , “You left me first you know.”
“Way before that night. Sometimes I think the day you met James Potter was the day I no longer existed as your brother. You surely made it known how much he was yours.”
“Reggie-“
“No. Don’t. You’re impulsive and selfish and fuck I hate that I understand you now. I hate that Potter was there. I hate that he saved you when I couldn’t. As much as James replacing me hurt, it didn’t hurt more than you not even giving me a chance. I tried so hard for you because once upon a time you believed me to be good. You protected me and I wanted to repay you. But then you decided I wasn’t worth it. And fuck me for understanding.”
Regulus shook his head, wisps of curls falling across his eyes as he tried desperately to keep his walls up. Occlumency would do him no good now when his walls were already crumbling. He wouldn’t cry then. Not in front of his brother. Not until he was somewhere safe, buried beneath his people that made him feel at home and would hold him as he broke apart.
“I’m not loud in my anger, Sirius. You know this. You’ve seen it. I know you don’t think of it as much but I always stopped her before she got too far, even when we stopped talking I didn’t just stand and watch I tried. Even when she fucking cursed me I tried. Did you really think so little of me? I idolised you. I would’ve done anything for you.”
Turning to face his brother Regulus took in his pale skin, wet streaks painted his face making him look like a spectre out of a gothic muggle painting. The only ounce of colour in their shades of grey was his house tie that hung loosely around his neck.
“You’re not the only one who suffered.” Reg’s broken whisper flittered off into the night but his brother heard. The pulsing anger slipped off of him, leaving the tiredness behind.
It was then that Regulus felt more than saw something break in his brother all over again. “I-I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry Reg. I didn’t know. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
Regulus went to sit next to him on the floor, their legs dangling from the edge off the tower as Sirius cried and cried and cried while Regulus bit back his own tears. Even if a stray one fell, none but the stars and the forest below would know.
“But I have to thank you though.” Regulus' lips turned up slightly as Sirius snapped his head to look at him in utter shock, “I found a home after you ignored me back in first year. I got Pandora, Barty and Evan and then Dorcas. I lost you but I gained a home that I wouldn’t trade for the world. And well, I would always have Narcissa too if she has anything to say about it.”
“Reggie—“ Sirius began but Regulus swiftly cut him off.
“Don’t. I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty but to understand. I built a life without you and you did the same. I still don’t even know what you want from me. Why wait until I’ve run away to talk? Why now Sirius?”
“I wanted to know that you were okay. I was so fucking worried when I heard you left. I should’ve taken you with me but I thought—“ Sirius shook his head, letting out a mirthless laugh, “I was so caught up in distancing myself from the House of Black that I distanced myself from you too. I wanted you to be with me in Gryffindor. I thought after all we’ve been through you’d choose me. Remus was the one to finally knock it in that it wasn’t much of a choice. For what it’s worth I truly am sorry I didn’t give you a chance.”
Sirius smiled bitterly as they locked eyes, “It’s my own fault we couldn’t be brothers all these years but I’ve missed you. I always checked up on you too you know. I do know a few things about you. You’re my brother even if I wasn’t much of one. When I heard you left I freaked out. When I saw the scar she gave you… I was supposed to protect you.”
His heart thumped harshly against his ribcage. It’s been so long since they were just brothers, protecting each other from the monsters of their own house. Their mother hid the abuse well, until now evidently.
“I can protect myself. I had a plan and I got out with all of my inheritance and everything aunt Cassie left for me.” Regulus paused to look at his brother who was watching him with rapt attention and decided to throw him a bone (no pun intended) “Pandora’s mum took me in. She has a house in the muggle world and it’s peaceful there, safe. Barty and Evan stayed with us this summer.”
“I’m glad you have them.” Sirius uttered softly. There was so much more he wanted to say, they both knew it yet he couldn’t make himself form the words.
“So am I.”
They sat in silence then, staring out into the night watching as the trees of the Forbidden Forest sway along to the September winds. October was merely a day away and Regulus couldn’t help but breathe in the scent of the fresh air of changing seasons.
“I should go.” Regulus muttered a few moments later, already rising to leave.
“Wait.” Sirius quickly followed him and stood, grabbing his wrist before he could take a step toward the stairs. “I just — can we start over? You don’t have to forgive me, all I ask is a chance to be a good brother to you again.”
He froze then, turning slightly to see the moon cast her glow over them, baptismal, a ritualistic cleanse as if to aid his decision. He could see then, the sincerity that shone through his brother’s eyes. The hope that manifested itself in the very innards of his lungs, growing vines that twisted into complex knots. His decision was made from the moment Regulus led them to the Astronomy tower it seemed.
“One chance.”
“Thank you.”
“ Don’t make me regret it.” I don’t think I’ll survive you leaving me again.
—
Regulus was correct in his assumption that his friends were awaiting him at the bottom of the tower. They were varying levels of concerned but he knew they could feel the unrest of his magic. Cas of course caught the slight blood stains on his robes and immediately vanished them to hopefully their room, leaving him in a white shirt and black linen trousers.
Evan and Pandora had to hold Barty back lest he avada Sirius then. That however hadn’t stopped Ev from running his magic over him to make sure that he had no other injuries. Though he pushed a little more of his magic to clean the dried blood from his nose that was well mended and checked by Cas.
No sooner than they made sure he was physically okay that Pandora released Barty to Evan and pulled him towards the Forbidden forest where they were currently sprawled against each other.
“My chest hurts.” Regulus breathed into the night as he lay on his back, feeling the earth as it spun in orbit. The witching hour was upon them. He knew by the place of the crescent moon, the way their magic flickered in front of them.
They were in the Forbidden Forest, in a small clearing where the trees were less dense and the sky could be seen. They threw up protections all around them when no longer in animagus form. Most beasts and otherworldly creatures were already aware of their presence as one of the forest’s other inhabitants though that wouldn’t stop a stray acromantula from devouring them whole.
It was in this peaceful serenity that their shields could freely drop and the rawest version of themselves could be seen. The forbidden forest became a solace when bitter tears would fall and their anger lashed out like the winds of the North Sea. The forest hid their tears and protected their sanity, it gave them a place to run free.
They never talked about what happens on nights like these, they’d never have to. They all understood the burdens each of them carries, the terrible sorrow that comes with being alive yet never truly breathing.
“Your heart, starlight. Your heart hurts.” Dora whispered back to him. “It’s okay to hurt. Sometimes you need to bleed out the bad to truly heal and make room for the good.”
Regulus was silent after that, his hand rubbing at his chest as if he could make the phantom ache disappear. Cas then grabbed his hand, halting his movements. Evan who was on the other side of him held his other hand tightly. They were rather protective when it came to his heart…and vice versa.
After a few moments Regulus told them everything that happened. From beginning to end he left nothing out. From what Narcissa told him to the tapestry and Uncle Arcturus then finally to Sirius and his fears of letting him in.
Regulus was always a silent crier. Ever since he was a child he never made a peep. That didn’t change as he grew, his eyes as vacant as the dead even as tears trickled down his face and unto the soil beneath him.
“Do you think it’s foolish to hope he’d choose me?” He uttered softly, eyes to the heavens that changed so often yet was steady in their presence.
Regulus wondered if he would always hold the pressure of his namesake. The heart of the lion, the little king. Always meant to stand firm, holding the weight of being yet overshadowed by the brighter stars. Was he always meant to hold a pivotal role yet have it all be for nothing?
“You’re human Reg. No one can fault you for hoping.” Cas mumbled back, ever the voice of reason.
“But he doesn’t deserve you, starlight. I say we kill him and go on with our lives.” Barty bit out, after all he heard the nightmares Regulus had. He’d held a grudge against his brother from the moment he witnessed Sirius snubbing him in first year. Regulus didn’t think Barty would ever change his stance as he was naturally fiercely protective. His father was a cold ignorant man that was never there. This lead Barty to coveting them.
“Azkaban is a thing, B.” Ev muttered but didn’t disagree.
“And even if he doesn’t choose you, we’re here.” Dora steadily ignored the boys as she spoke over them.
“We’ll never leave you just like you won’t ever leave us. Hell your damn family tapestry confirmed it.” Regulus saw Dorcas smirk as she turned to face him.
Her bracelets jingled as she brought a hand up to wipe his tears making his lips twitch slightly. “We’re in it until the end. No matter who comes and goes.”
“Even through Walburga’s vapid plots to kill you, Arcturus’ plans and your torrid romance with a certain Quidditch captain, we’ll be there.” Pandora rolled over unto her elbows to look at him, her milky hair in disarray with a few leaves sticking out of it. Regulus snorted at the last bit yet wisely didn’t comment on it.
“You lot just want to plot Wally’s demise.” Reg rolled his eyes but the smile that creeped its way onto his face calmed them.
“Bloody right. I’ve been waiting years for this. I have it all planned out Reg just you wait.” Barty grinned, moving to lay on top of Evan who pushed him off. “Oi. You’re like a fucking leech.”
The morose tension broke with boyfriends’ bickering which lasted for a while as they drew them into their daily drama. This was it Regulus thought. Even if his life hadn’t gone according to plan Regulus was here with them and he thanked mother magic for drawing him to them. Even if his wayward magic got him scars he was ever grateful.
As their talking dwindled out into chasing each other through the forest, they pranced about the forest in their animagus form, watching as the night came to a close. They found themselves exploring the wonders the forest held, making note of areas that grew obscure plants for later experiments. Their forms were perfect for their rendezvous as they were all vastly different yet fitting.
Regulus was much like his patronus and took the form of a lynx; though, rather peculiarly, he had black fur instead of the usual brown or grey. Minnie had informed them that animagus forms do not always reflect the likeness of the actual animal. A witch or wizard’s magic may have various effects in the appearance of their creature form. However their animal will always reflect their heart and magic.
Perhaps that was why Barty was a raccoon that reflected his patronus and Evan a marsh harrier. Dorcas of course was a raven which she was rather proud of since she loved flight more than any avid quidditch player however her patronus was that of a stallion which wasn’t a surprise as she fit the driven criteria. She wasn’t the only one with a different animagus form as Pandora’s patronus was a swan while her animagus form took that of a fennec fox.
The unlikely five passed the farie’s little cove and darted through the acromantula’s nest. They flew and ran for miles, only circling back to head to the Black Lake to watch the sunrise. Thankfully it was a Saturday and they could laze in bed all day. They wouldn’t be needed until Sunday evening for Minnie’s tea.
Regulus would undoubtedly explain his not so finalised disownment and his almost regrettable choices. However, that could all wait till then. He was in no rush to think about much less rearrange his plans just yet.
So they would rest and Regulus would forget about his disastrous relationship with his brother and the impending doom that Walburga would undoubtedly bring down.
He would bask in the peaceful chaos that were his little family until then.
And if his mind ran on James Potter during his rest? Well he would figure that disaster later.