“I AM NOT IN DENIAL ABOUT THIS!” I yell. James jumps back surprised, a smile blooms across his face.
“Sure sounds like something a person in denial would say.”
“James Flameout Potter, I swear to Merlin, SHUT YOUR TRAP”
“Do not yell at me” James answers calmly but firmly using his mother voice.
“Sorry…” I say.
We are standing in an empty corridor waiting for Remus and Peter to show up with cat treats. The plan is very simple: get cat treats – shit load of them – and place them all over the castle. Peter presented such an idea after he got caught by Filch because of Mrs. Norris. Originally Pete wished it would distract her a bit, making it easier to sneak around. But James and Sirius immediately saw it as a prank on Professor McGonagall. The final adjustments were made by Remus who for whatever reason knew a spell that would make the smell stronger.
It's perfect. Another brilliant plan and prank. Not a hard one to finalise either. That’s how they liked to work – smart, not hard.
Just seconds ago James and Sirius were joking around, speculating about how McGonagall would react, restless and excited about the prank. Then – he has no clue how such an idea came to James’ mind – but he thought that McGonagall would long for those treats like Sirius longs for Remus.
Scandalous! Outrageous!
How could I be attracted to Remus like that? He’s one of my best friends, I couldn’t. So what if Remus is exceptionally hot and sexy and I would prefer him over any girl I’ve ever seen? So what if his voice makes my hair rise (and sometimes not only hair)? It doesn’t matter and James is wrong. It’s superbly important for James to understand that under any and all circumstances I would never, ever, be in love with or be infatuated by Remus.
The problem was, and still stands to be, that saying so to James is in a way similar to throwing peas onto a wall – it is very, very pointless.
“Sirius, it’s alright if you like him.” James assures me but I refuse to even look at him.
“How could it be fine? What would I even do if I did have feelings for Remus? It’s not like we would just start to date. ”“Who does Sirius like?” asks Peter as he and Remus round the corner.
“Your mother obviously. And guess what, she likes me back” I say mockingly.
“Ah right. But… the pronouns don’t match?” I roll my eyes, ending up accidentally catching eye contact with Remus, who has his head tilted and is staring at me curiously. That happens every now and then – we catch eye contact and don’t break it until it’s an absolute necessity.
Not this time. I look away, and regret it instantly. It’s so awkward all of a sudden. In Remus’ eyes at least I could get lost and hide away from the silence, it would be more normal than whatever was going on at that moment.
“Alright let’s get it done!” Peter cheers but pipes back down when he isn’t met with any enthusiasm. We work quickly, since we already know many spots to hide small items. Remus has already cast the spell on all the treats. But since it was done while they were in a pile, some needed to be re-charmed. So magic was necessary anyway. That made the mission a bit more dangerous – Mrs. Norris could sense fresh spells that got cast around the castle. Due to that one of them had to stand on the side and watch the map at all times. To make everything fair we take turns with each being fifteen minutes long.
“You’d think by fifth year we’d figure out the warning spells” Peter complains when his turn comes.
“They are on NEWTs level. Most of the magic we have mastered is already above the average level of fifth years, so quit moaning Pete” Remus mumbles, “James do you think you can levitate me a bit? Just one foot up?”
“Sure mate.”
“Why not me?” I ask.
“You’re not in a good mood, I figured you could overdo it.” Remus states matter-of-factly not minding my distraught expression.
“What.” my heart stops, “why does Remus think that. My magic isn’t that emotional. I’ve been casting spells left and right for the past half an hour we spent working.”
“Let’s not fight.” James proposes. “It’s a levitation spell Sirius, you do often make stuff fly too high.”
“Why are you both against me tonight!? Merlin, my own best friends, such betrayal. Thank god I have Wormy.” I say, it must’ve sounded a bit more serious than I intended, because James looks dejected and Remus’ eyes shine with sparks of anger. Their reaction gives me some sick sense of satisfaction. James lifts Remus up, five cat treats are placed behind an old shield. Then Remus is back on the ground and he strides right to me.
“Alright you dick. How about you get your head out of your arse now and deal with whatever got it stuck there in the first place, huh? None of us have enough energy to babysit you, because if you failed to notice it’s the middle of the night. You are making it needlessly difficult to be nice to you and I for one would like to know why for Merlin’s fucking sake!”
“Filch on the stairs” Peter says all of a sudden.
James throws invisibility cloak over himself and Peter, whispering:
“You two will manage?”
This time without breaking eye contact I answers: “Yes”
Instantly Remus casts an alohomora and nudges me to step back into an empty classroom. Once we’re inside I flick my wand, making the lock turn. We stand silently face to face inches away from one another. My heart is racing, maybe from fear that Filch will actually catch us, but a tiny voice in my head – oddly similar to James’ – whispers that it’s because I’m alone with Remus and the tension between us is high. That’s how it is with Remus. I never know what will happen when Remus is railed up.
“He is standing in front of this classroom, we should hide.” he whispers right to my ear making my mind go blank thinking “Remus’ whispering voice, Remus’ soft whispering voice.”
“Aha” I choke out and let him drag me to a closet. Thankfully it’s a big, walk-in closet, so we don’t have to breath down each other’s necks, or maybe regretfully.
It’s embarrassing, standing there not being able to see anything, while Remus with his amazing eye sight can probably see every one of my moves.
“Oh Merlin, could Remus also hear my heartbeat?” I think to myself.
“This is actually fun” I lie, trying to break the tension even just a tiny bit.
“More fun than you being a dick.” Remus sounds angry, which means he’s very angry.
“Fair. I don’t get why you got so pissed about it anyway. Is it because the moon is close?”
“Don’t blame the fucking moon. You have been acting like shit for a while now and forgive me if I had enough. Especially with James, the bloody prince amongst men is being treated like some bloody servant.”
“I don’t treat him like a servant!”
“Fine, then emotional punching bag, the point is, you’re not being fair to him. I don’t understand how he stands it. I would’ve thrown you out a window long ago.”
“Well thank god he’s not you.” Now I am also angry.
“Wow, getting out of an argument by insulting the other side, how mature.”
“I learnt from the best after all.”
We fall silent as Filch finally opens the door to the classroom. I took a deep breath in and re-settled against the cold wall. Our shoulders are touching, his fingers brushing against mine. I feel a blush creep up my face, my skin seems to want to get up and leave me behind, I can hardly breathe.
“The closet is big, why is Remus so close to me? Ugh, had he only known what he’s doing to me, he wouldn’t be so touchy. Wait… Remus being touchy?” I turn my head to look at where Remus is. “Doesn’t Remus hate physical touch?”
“There is nothing in here sweetie” we hear Filch say to Mrs. Norris. The door opens then closes and the lock turns. We tumble out of the closet and I go straight to the window, I need air.
“Fucking Prongs, leaving us alone again.” I say when I feel my face has gone back to normal colour.
“When are you gonna quit it?”
“Quit what?”
“This! Moaning about Prongs! You should be grateful to have him!”
“I am grateful to have him, Mooney! What the hell are you on about?!”
“You sure don’t seem grateful, you treat him like he doesn’t matter. You take him for granted. Don’t you see that he’s been stressed lately?!”
“Prong has?”
“Yea you blind arse. He doesn’t sleep, he’s sneaking around us and meets someone secretly. I’m not saying it’s your fault, but maybe if he wasn’t attacked and shut out for everything that doesn’t fit your expectations then he would tell us what’s going on!”
“I’m not shutting him out…”
“Two weeks ago he said that Marlene is a better beater – as a joke you know nobody wants to compare you two – but you didn’t talk to him for two days!”
“…”
“It’s like you expect him to read your mind, know what to say, know what to do and when to do it all. I think we can agree that James is bloody perfect, but you can’t expect it from him, Sirius. You’re acting like you-“
“Like my mother…”
“That’s not what I wanted to say.”
“But I am acting like her.”
“No. You’re acting like you don’t have any faults.”
“But you can’t say I’m not acting like her.”
“Stop bringing your mother into this. Shutting someone out is a bit different than craving scars into their skin.”
We get inside the common room where Pete is waiting for us. No Prongs.
“Here Mooney,” Peter says handing Remus the map “Prongs went to sit in the astronomy tower. Filch found our bag with cat treats, so we have to order them all over again.”
“Awesome, another prank postponed.” I groan.
I slam the door to the bathroom and toss my toilet bag onto the toilet seat but it all falls off. I frown and try to pick it up using my magic – it flies up, hits the ceiling and crashes back down.
“UGH!” I scream and pick it up manually. Throwing it into the sink instead.
“You okay in there, Padfoot?” Pete asks through the door.
I take a deep breath and groan again. My hands are shaking and I feel so awful.
“No.”
“You hurt yourself?!”
“No.”
“What? Then what is it?”
“It’s… I don’t know.” I feel like crying. Memories flash in my head. James looking so dejected and Remus’ angry glare, Filch being just about to catch us, Remus telling me that I don't treat James right.
“Fuck!”
“Oh god! You gave me a heart attack! What’s wrong Sirius?”
“Pete! For fuck’s sake, I told you that I don’t know!”
“Can I come in?” he asks and it’s so bizarre, because I would open the door instantly for James or Remus and it would be normal. But this was the first time I had ever been opening the door to let Peter into the bathroom.
Immediately, the first thing he says when I open the door is;
“Oh wow, you’re shaking.”
“So what about it?”
“Nothing. You’re probably stressed out just a bit too much.” He looks around the room. “What were you throwing? You made so much noise.”
“Toilet bag.”
“And nothing broke?”
“Don’t know. Haven’t checked.”
“Check. Take a hot shower, maybe then you will stop shaking.”
“You just said I’m nervous, not cold?” I ask, confused.
“Well yea, but hot showers are good for stress you dumbass. Your mother never said ‘I have to go take a hot shower’ when she was stressed?”
“My mother thought hot showers were for the weak.”
“What?” Peter laughed. He was looking at me as if I said something absurd. When he stopped laughing he noticed how I was frowning at him and his expression became grim. “Don’t tell me you’re actually serious!”
“As a matter of fact, I am indeed Sirius and serious too.”
“Then… you never had a hot shower either?”
“I had warm showers. When I first got to Hogwarts and then every time I visited Potters. But I don’t think I had a hot shower.”
“Ah.” Pete nodded. He stood there nodding his head for a while like some stupid bobble head doll. Finally, he cleared his throat, “I will go now.” I watch him as he leaves.
“Thanks Pete.” I say just before the door closes. “Oh and is Remus there?”
“No, he went to the prefects’ bathroom.”
I turn the shower on and step into the familiar warm, room temperature water. I re-think it once, twice, thrice, finally I turn the hot water cork all the way. It’s nice at first then gets way too hot and I feel like the water is burning my skin right off so I turn it down.
“Why did Pete recommend it? It’s like boiling yourself alive. How can this calm anybody?” But I’m no longer shaking, and my brain doesn’t buzz with unpleasant memories since I’m too focused on the sensation of hot water hitting my body.
“It’s not that bad.”
I close my eyes and regret that we don't have a bathtub. The steam fills the bathroom and I realise that Remus is the only one of us four who leaves the bathroom in such a state – with unusable mirrors and everything damp if not just wet. It’s not that different. Cold water, room temperature water, warm water would probably be more refreshing, but this is pulling me into something like a fever. My mind is going in circles and yet not thinking about anything comprehendible. I turn the water off even though I haven't used any soap yet. I breathe in the steam.
“I’m not saying it’s your fault, but maybe if he wasn’t attacked and shut out for everything that doesn’t fit your expectations then he’d tell us what’s going on!”
“Two weeks ago he said that Marlene is a better beater - half as a joke you know nobody wants to compare you – but you didn’t talk to him for two days!”
“Why are you both against me tonight!? Merlin, my own best friends, such betrayal. Thank god I have Wormy”
And several other situations. "Why on earth am I only thinking about it now? Where was my mind these past… wait, how long have I been acting like that toward James? What was I thinking? Right. I was probably too busy thinking about Remus. Remus was right. So bloody right.” I look up at the mirror.
“I need to talk to James.”
I tried to keep my steps silent as I walked to stand behind where James was sitting. “I was an idiot… a shitty idiot.” James smiled for a second as I sat down beside him.
“You were.” I nod my head slightly and fiddle with the rings on my fingers.
“I'm sorry.” I say twirling the ring on my thumb around.
“It’s fine Pads.”
“You say that, but Mooney says otherwise” I say. Emotions were never something I talked about with people. Unless it was something small. But big things. I don’t talk about them. I never have. But I need to find a way or else I won’t help those around me. Seeing an issue and standing idly on the side is wrong. It’s something my mother would do. I won’t be like my mother.
“I know it’s hard for you,” James' voice raises, drawing me out of my head. “your whole life shifted all of sudden. You need to rest; you need to take care of yourself.” I felt the tears wanting to build up in my eyes.
“Prongs… I- I couldn’t trust anyone in that house. Anytime I did… it came right back and hurt me even more.” The tears are threatening to spill when James places a hand on my shoulder. I choked sob escapes my throat as I cover my face with my hands.
“Then you show up. Most amazing human being ever. And you make me feel safe,” speaking isn’t easy though all the tears, I try to wipe them away “but that doesn’t mean that I can treat you the way I’m treating you.”
“We don’t have to talk about it. You have stuff to deal with. You don’t have to worry about me.” oh god James was crying too, his voice pitched.
“I want to worry about you. You deserve so much more. You deserve to be taken care of.” I say looking up at James who is patting my back as I sit curled in on myself. “If I just stand by, I’m gonna lose you all.”
“I am not going anywhere.” I give a slight smile and he gives me a half-hug. I sniff and wipe some of the tears from my face.
“Merlin. Who knew being emotional was this bloody tiring?” We chuckle and he speaks up again.
“I still think you have a crush on Mooney.” I sigh.
“I know I just… he is my best friend and I like him A LOT. But do I really like him like that? I can’t tell him and then change my mind. I need to be sure about this. He’s precious to me, you know?”
“Finally, some progress… You think telling him would be a mistake?”
“Probably...”
“I think he might like you back.” My heart skips a beat at the possibility.
“He said that?”
“Well, no but-,” James goes to speak but I’ve heard enough.
“Then I don't want to hear it. Shall we announce our truce?” I say getting up. I’m ready to head back and get some sleep. Prongs gets up and nods. “And just to make sure we’re on the same page. I treat you shitty - you punch me in the face.” I add as we walk to the stairs.
“Please treat me shitty just so that I can punch you in the face.” We laugh and I pull him into a playful headlock.
A couple weeks pass, maybe two, maybe three. The difference isn’t big, but it’s there. I find myself suddenly realising that I’m being mean and look around to make sure that nobody else noticed. If someone else notices that means I’ve gone too far. Every time I go quiet James notices and he pats me on the shoulder, he gives me a reassuring smile. Sometimes others notice – sometimes I go too far. Then Remus and James are there for me, help me apologies or rearrange my sentence so that it’s not so mean. “What Sirius meant was…” they say and then I struggle for a moment but they make it look so natural. I shout at them sometimes, desperate for them to let it go. They do, it makes me feel even worse. Next morning, I wake up to find Pete’s favourite cookies on my bedside table. At first I thought his motive was pity and I hated it, but these cookies are tasty, so what was I meant to do? With time the cookies no longer made me think of pity, but comfort. God knows what Pete had in mind, but I found it was my choice how to perceive it. James continued with his remarks about Remus, they just became a bit subtler.
And today Remus is late. They were meant to meet in the library quarter of an hour ago. So I lay with my head resting on the desk, playing with my rings and sticking the quill in between the band and his skin.
“Be careful you can cut yourself like that,” Remus says as he pulls out the chair next to me and shakes off his outer robe. “Sorry, I’m here now.”
“Hello Mooney.”
“You said you want to work on history?”
“Yea.” I say and lay my head back down. James has been telling me to spend more time with Remus for weeks now. Studying seemed like a good way to get Remus’ attention.
“Great, let’s do that.” Remus goes on to take out all his books and notes and I just groan as the pile keeps on growing.
“Sirius, if you don’t want to study now then let’s do something else.” He says. “Really?”
“Of course. I don’t want you to be miserable.” As Remus says so, a loud giggle erupts and catches all of their attention. I turn just to see a couple being all mushy and shit.
“Ugh that’s disgusting.” I say.
“Don’t stare. It’s hardly ever that there aren’t any couples here.” I continue to watch the couple as the boy whispers something to the girl’s ear.
“OH SWEETIE!” the girl yelps happily and throws her hands over his shoulders. I literally gag. Then Mrs. Pince shows up with a warning for the young couple.
“Good. Actually she should throw them out immediately. Library is a place for studying, it’s a sacred place. And Merlin ‘Sweetie?’ not only are they using pet names, but they’re also using the ones that make them sound old. “
You’ve got something against pet names?” Remus asks. I turn to find him staring at me with undivided attention.
“I actually do. They’re unnecessary.”
“Says a guy that has a nickname for all his friends.”
“Nicknames are incredibly important. Thanks to them I can talk about someone and random bystanders won’t know who I’m talking about. It’s also a sign of friendship.”
“Ah, I understand.” Remus chuckles. He’s leaning in toward me, hand on his chin supporting himself against the table, the way he looks at me and that slight smile on his face are doing things to me.
“So you wouldn’t like to be someone’s ‘sweetie’?”
“No, not really.”
“I think it’s kind of adorable. Nicknames in general that is. Look at those two, they’re so happy. Wouldn’t you like to be someone’s one and only?”
“That’s cheesy.”
“Wouldn’t you like to be someone’s… babe? Honey? Little foggy?”
I laugh at the last one not believing Remus actually said it out loud without making a sour face. Remus chuckles too, but doesn’t stop staring at me for even a second.
“Wouldn’t you like to be someone’s…”
“Merlin! You’re not done yet?!”
“Love?”
my heart skips a beat and then starts thumping louder than ever. My mind jumps in circles and I lose all ability to speak. Something twinkles in Remus’ eye. My breath hitches and I nearly choke.
“Ok, you dumbass. Enough of that or you might actually make me turn sour. Let’s get out of here.”
“Whatever you say, sure.” Remus throws his bag over to me.
“Where do you want to go?”
“Oh, you see I would fancy a walk.”
“Of course you would.”
While the walk was as fun as I anticipated it to be, it failed to get the image of Remus staring into my soul as he says ‘love’. Actually fuck everything – if before I was going crazy constantly thinking about Remus and Remus alone. Now it was literally killing me. We came back to the castle and went straight for dinner – he was very hungry, I wasn’t. I knew I should be hungry, but food just didn’t seem right – I ate and it tasted bland, it didn’t give me the typical need to take another spoonful. I feel jealous of how carelessly he eats, like nothing ever happened, like he wasn’t scandalously flirting with me so little time ago.
“Remus flirting? With me? How absurd.” I think to myself and snicker at that ridiculous idea of mine.
“What got you all giggly Pads?” James asks as he plops down beside me. “Date with Mooney, went well?”
“It wasn’t a date!”
“Yea, right. You said you two would study so I decided to not come to such boring activity, then, all of a sudden I see you walking around laughing and flirting. Seems like a date to me.”
“We were going to study but then I wasn’t in a mood and Mooney said we could do something else.” I protest. I didn’t lie to James, there is no reason for me to lie to James about something like that anyway.
“Excuses! So MOONEY, tell me. Was it a date?”
Remus looks up from his plate for the first time since he started eating. He chews while glancing between me and James. Then swallows and:
“Seemed pretty much like a date to me.”
Remus says finally with a mischievous grin.
“What?!”
“YES!” we yell simultaneously. But Remus had stuffed another portion of mashed potatoes into his mouth and isn’t interested in the conversation any more.
“Fuck. Why did he say that?”
“It wasn’t a date.” I say to James forcefully and my face must show a different level of seriousness because he doesn’t say another word – just makes a doubtful face.
I didn’t sleep at night. Why would I? I had so many questions and so little answers. I wanted to jump out of bed run to Remus – shake him awake and force him to tell me – why on earth would he say that? Why was acting so weird lately? Being touchy and flirty. Of course I didn’t. Remus was always hard to read, it often made me want to crack his head open and see what’s inside. So fascinating.
So yes. That night instead of sleeping I was forced to simp and overthink. Due to the prior, I didn’t get any rest, no shut eye for me. The fallowing consequence was oblivious from the beginning and became crystal clear as I fell asleep during the breakfast, then at the transfiguration lesson, charms, muggle studies, mobility charms, theory of magic and that last subject that I still don’t know the name of.
“Sirius focus!” James yells as the fire spreads a bit too close to his forearm. We are in the dorm, practicing the harmless fire spell. Actually we already have the harmless fire spell mastered but now we need to master casting it while saying a spell for real fire. At the same time we need to be able to cast a real fire spell while articulating the real fire spell. Peter proposed we just learn how to cast fire spell and harmless fire spell while saying any bullshit and at this point I don’t even know if we deemed it a good idea or not. It’s not easy at all and I didn’t sleep so I’m wishing I could do something else, but the prank that we need this specific skill for has been postponed so many times already.
“Sorry Prongs, damn it, I’m still half asleep.”
“Yes, I can see that. But why? You already took two showers and drank like four mugs of coffee.”
“Maybe we should give him a little kick of adrenaline?” Peter proposes.
“What?” I laugh.
“Oh yea, get him nervous and all.”
“Nothing can make me nervous.” I leans back slightly straightening my back and lowering my shoulder blades. Yet I feel my muscles tense a bit when I hear a rustle from somewhere around Remus’ bed.
“Are you sure…” Remus whispers into his ear soft and with a slight hint of delight “…love?” he slips his hand onto my hip and not stopping there but sliding to the front. Merlin knows what Remus would do if I didn’t push his hand away.
“Oh” It came out a bit too much like a moan for my liking “…god” I choke out. My body moved without me intending to move it.
“Are you ok?” James asks.
“Yes.”
“You seem more awake now.” Remus says stepping back and sitting down on his bed.
Actually I don’t see that, I can’t bring myself to turn around and look at Remus. My whole body is on fire and hell yeah, I’m very much awake.
“He is totally flirting with you! How can you not notice! And you like him back!” James practically yells as we step into the showers after private quiddich practice.
“That’s great James. I’m happy that you’re so sure of it.” I answer, my voice dripping with sarcasm. I’m very much angry that it’s him who was gifted such confidence on the topic and not me.
“Oh please! What is even making you so hesitant?! You think about him all the time!”
“But Remus was always so interesting! What if I’m just fascinated? You can’t tell me that-“
“Sirius, let me tell you something. When I see something cool I don’t immediately think that Remus would like it. When we accidentally touch I don’t wonder if he’d done that on purpose. When I shop for clothes I don’t point at clothes and say ‘Remus would like that’. I don’t say ‘that’s so Remus’ when reading a book with a sarcastic character. You do realise that it’s you who does that?”
“…”
I wonder for a bit. It is true. I can’t think of anytime when James mentioned Remus out of nowhere.
“Please stop being a coward and confront him about your feelings. You’re a Gryffindor for the love of Merlin.” He said with a resignation and I frowned at the insult.
“Why must you slander me in the process?”
“Because you don’t listen when I’m nice! Whatever. We’re doing the cat treats prank today. Talked to Remus and Pete already, we will be splitting up, but just into two groups. You’re with Remus.”
“I didn’t agree to that?”
”I don’t care. Me and Pete are taking the map. ‘Cos Remus is a werewolf and a prefect so basically it’s balanced out.”
“It is not.”
“Yea, it’s not, but try to see if I care. I’m fed up with how frustrating you two are. I’m officially starting operation ‘ship Mooney and Padfoot.’”
“Ugh.”
We quietly sneak out of the common room, it’s nearly midnight and the castle is quiet. James is stops suddenly in front of a small door to a broom cupboard. He turns to us with a mischievous smile.
“Wormy? Remember the plan.”
“Of course I do.”
“Great. Padfoot, Mooney? You remember which parts of the castle you’re meant to cover?”
“Yes. James, why would we forget?”
“Awesome. Then you can forget it all. Wingardium Leviosa. Pete!”
“Oi what are you two doing?” Remus asks, not yells, but his voice is raised and he sounds angry.
“On it.” Peter opened the door to the cupboard. James flicks his wand sending crashing inside. “Accio.” Our wands fly out of our trousers and Peter shuts the door.
“James you fucker!” I scream wiggling around to get from underneath Remus.
“It was actually Pete’s plan.”
“Don’t tell him that!” Peter squeaks.
“Anyway. You two better talk it all out and figure out your fucking feelings. If you two get out of there and we see no difference next time we will close you in a cupboard and take not only your wands but also clothes.”
“What the fuck!? Is that also Pete’s idea.” Remus sound amused this time.
“No, it’s my first time hearing it too. Do you honestly think I’m capable of such mean ideas?”
“Yea, why not?”
“I’m hurt.”
“Let us out of here! RIGHT NOW!” I scream.
“Eee, no. Bye.”
That was the last we heard from James that night. The lock turned and we were left in darkness. The broom closet was half filled with cleaning supplies and had a small window but the sky was black with no stars or moon. We’re silent for a longer while, my shoulders curving against one wall and legs going up the other. Remus is in a bit better situation – his legs touching the door and back fixed up against the window. Still he’s sitting on me.
The celling seems to be caving in toward us. I feel fear creep into my mind.
“Are you ok?” Remus voice tears through the silence and catches me of guard. I yelp and my heart rate increases noticeably. “I’ll take that as a no?” He begins to scramble and soon he is up, crouching – he's way too tall for the cupboard. Then he offers me a hand and helps me sit up. He drops back down into a cross-legged siting position. I mimic him and now we’re face to face, our knees touching. For a change, now my back is toward the window, his to the door. The cupboard seems a bit more spacious then before.
“Dark as in an ass. Bloody moon never on my side.” Remus jokes.
“We should just blow it up. James said it should be possible.”
“Read a muggle book about astronomy, would you?”
“You say it as if muggles know something about cosmos that we don’t.”
“Because they do, you twerp. Either way, you can’t blow up the moon.”
“You’re so mean to me.”
“You like it when I’m mean to you.”
“Wha –“ It is true. I love it when he’s mean to me. Calling me a prick, treating me like a complete idiot. Only when he does it as a joke. It’s usually a joke. Usually everything that happens between me and Remus is a joke.
“James said I’ve been teasing you.” Remus grunts out after another silent moment. I frown wondering whatever James could have meant.
“But you’re calling me an idiot in a friendly way. I’ve got no problem with that.” I answer confidently. Remus signs and is quiet for a bit.
“He didn’t mean the times I call you an idiot. The not so friendly times.”
“What does he care if we fight sometimes?! We’re friends we can fight.”
“No, it’s not… ugh.” I can now see the silhouette of him and see that he’s scratching his head which makes his hair move in that specific Mooney way.
James is weird. He told me that I should confess to Remus but also told Remus that Remus is teasing me? No sense in that.
“Wait.” I look Remus in the eyes even though I can’t really see them. “That kind of teasing?”
“As in… sexual teasing? No that’s ridiculous.”
“I never meant to tease you.” Remus says.
“Of course he never meant to tease him, Remus isn’t sexually or romantically interested in me. He would never.”
“Just flirt.” Remus added quietly.
“Sorry?” I blurted out.
“Nothing.”
“No, I heard you. Did you? Actually?”
“What?”
“You wanted to flirt with me?”
“No! I was just joking.”
“Ah!” we fall silent again. And I’m fidgeting with the ring on my thumb, not looking at Remus. It was sort of mean of him to say such a joke. As if he had no consideration for my feelings.
“I wasn’t joking.” Remus chokes out clearly struggling. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry Sirius. Clearly you don’t feel the same way and all. I was trying to flirt with you. Have you really never noticed?”
“No. Maybe? I don’t know.”
“Right. Well I’m so sorry. I will fuck off, never flirt with you or anything. I’m sure the feeling will go away eventually. Just… please let’s stay friends.”
“Sure.” I say still not looking up at Remus. “No wait.”
“Sure, I'll wait. It’s not like I can go anywhere.”
“You have feelings for me?”
“I can make them go away I’m sure!”
“Great! Don’t do that.”
“Why?”
“Can you… turn the light on or something? You can do some wandless magic right?” I ask and Remus quickly summons little fireflies. They give enough light so that I see Remus’ expression quite clearly.
“How romantic.” I say, causing Remus to smile. “I don’t want you to stop having feelings for me. Because… I think I have feeling for you?”
“Oh. You do?”
“Yea, I'm serious.”
“Ok, fuck you. Do you really?”
“I’m not sure. I know that I’m very peculiar about you.” I say and Remus frowns.
“I mean I know that. The way you react when I call you ‘love’ really isn’t normal."
We sit in silence again. "Let me ask you this..." Remus begins, "Do you want to hold hands? Go on dates? Kiss? Stuff like that?”
“Yes.” I breathe out.
“Then what’s the question even?”
“Isn’t there supposed to be something more?”
“You never think twice before dating a random girl from a party!”
“But those are just girls! And you are my Mooney! I can’t lose you.”
“Ok, so you’d rather not date me?”
“I don’t know.”
“Then can I decide?”
“Yea, I’d like that.” I say, my hand slips and I push the ring off my thumb. I look down to pick it up but then two hands grab my face, pulling it up into a kiss.
It's good. It's heavenly. I don’t want it to end – never ever. Remus’ mouth tastes sweet, like tea with three scoops of sugar. He's an amazing kisser, Merlin knows where he learnt to kiss like that. It was so seductive, better than any flirting. I was convinced from that moment that it was as good as it could get and I knew that no one would ever be able to kiss me like Remus just had.
“I sort of don’t want to tell Prongs that we are going out now.” I say once I can breathe normally again.
“No, Sirius. What’s the point of that? He helped us ultimately.”
“I know, but he also showed us in a broom closet. God knows when he’s coming back for us.”
“I could try to open it with wandless magic.”
“Oh! Yes! You can do it Remus!” to that Remus just smiled doubtfully and turned sideways to me so that to see the door. After a while he turned back to me and shook his head.
“I think me will have to wait for James.”
“Damn that bugger.”
“We should make the most of it. Come here you can lie on me.”
“Huh. Maybe I really will just say thanks to James.”
“Knew I was an awesome cupid.” James said proudly, grinning at them as we throw ourselves on my bed.
“Too bad you failed to see how painful lying on the floor would be.” Remus grimaces as he stretches out and rubes a sore muscle.
“I was perfectly comfortable.” I say happily and muzzle closer to him. He chuckles.
James is still standing looking at us with some kind of nostalgia in his eyes.
“What’s up Prong-man?” I ask.
“I thought. Since that’s done and you two are going out now… I thought I’d tell you.”
“Tell us what? Prongs you’re not dying are you?”
“No, not yet. Might be in a moment.”
“You can tell us everything.” Peter assures him.
“I’m going out with Reg.”
“…”
“WHAT?!” I yell.
“NOT THAT!!!!” Peter screams.