They didn’t get home until late last night. He thinks. Time is fuzzy and the days blend together. People can only last so long without sleeping and James is sure that he is pushing that line. Even the times that he has dozed off haven’t felt like actually getting any sleep.
At night he lies down and pretends for Regulus’ sake that he’s asleep. He slows his heartbeat down and shuts his eyes. It’s easier if he isn’t present. In the beginning he couldn’t really control whether he was here or not. Then he figured out a way to force himself to slip away. That made it easier. When he would slip and it was out of his control it was hard. Mostly because he knew how hard it was on Regulus and he wanted to be okay for him. To show him that he’s okay. Now when he fades away it’s by choice and he does it because it’s easier. For both of them.
Regulus never wants him to do the things that they both have to do. A year ago, two years ago, just before, James would say the same thing. That he would rather die than do these things. That he isn’t capable of hurting people or working toward a cause that he is so against. Now though, it’s okay. He can do it. If only because doing it all allows him to keep Regulus safe.
Not to mention he doesn’t have anywhere else to go. He’s burned all of his bridges the day the mark was burned onto his arm. So he avoids thinking about that, about him.
Being distant is the easiest way forward. Regulus fell asleep with his arms wrapped around him late last night, probably closer to the early morning. The sun has now come up and he’s still lying here. He squeezes his eyes shut and blinks until everything comes into focus. His mouth is dry from not having talked in a bit, but he doesn’t change that. He’s not going to talk much today either unless he has something to say or needs to.
It hurts to be like this. He and Regulus were supposed to have a good life together and get to actually live it. They were supposed to have a nice house where they would live a mundane life, cooking together and dancing pressed together by a fireplace. Soaking in every moment they have just because. They were never meant to just go through the motions waiting for something to change. It takes too much to just do that, James can’t manage to do anything more. He wants to, more than anything he wants to be better and be the James that Regulus fell in love with, but he can’t. He’s not quite sure that James exists anymore.
“Are you up?” Regulus asks quietly in his ear. He just nods, it’s enough for Regulus and it’s the most he can manage. “Did you sleep?”
This time he doesn’t answer at all. That will tell him just as much as if he were to respond. It is the same thing night after night, morning after morning. James is tired of it being like this, but there isn’t another way to exist right now. One day, a day in the hopefully not too distant future, he will be able to do more again. That is what he clings to. A day when the war will be over and they can just live normally. Folding laundry the muggle way, holding hands because they want to, not because they need to cling to each other for survival.
He can’t be sure which side he is rooting for in this. It shouldn’t be the Dark Lord’s side, but that would make the most sense. That would pave the easiest way forward for the two of them. It would be too difficult to live in a world again where the other side, the good side, wins, and still have the marks on their arms. It wouldn’t be easy. He’s not going to fool himself into thinking that. Even so, he just wants the war to be over, however that is.
As the morning continues and the sun gets higher in the sky, Regulus urges him to get up. They don’t talk about the fact that he didn’t sleep. They also don’t talk about what they are going to do tonight. Regulus doesn’t think he pays that much attention to what’s going on in the meetings, but there isn’t anything else for him to do. Some days he listens more than others, but he always knows the main message. He knows what they go off to do on each mission. He knows what they do each time they go to trainings.
Tonight is another one of those. Except this time it’s just the two of them going. James isn’t quite sure why, he didn’t pick up on that, but he knows no one else, none of the other new recruits, as they are often called, are going. He could spend the whole day worrying about and theorizing about what they are going to be asked to do, but that would only make things worse.
It’s always better if he can get himself to be apathetic about it. Not anxious. With thinking comes the anxiety. He can’t let himself do that. Nothing good would come from that. Especially because he’s seen others get cold feet. They all get punished. It’s not worth getting punished, so he refuses to let the thoughts in his head spiral. It keeps Regulus safe too. That’s what matters.
All he needs to do is get through whatever is asked of him, and then he can dissociate. It’s become easier and easier to force himself to do that. Sometimes it still happens on its own, but most of them time he only goes away because he chooses to. He hates that he does. It causes him to lose most of the time he gets alone with Regulus.
There are still some days that he gets to exist with him, and they do their best to pretend the war isn’t happening. Regulus acts like it’s okay. After times that James is gone for multiple days at a time, he acts like that doesn’t happen. He knows though, he can’t fool him. Secretly he keeps track of the days and notices when he misses more than one, just so he knows. James never tries to be gone for too long though.
As much as he can force himself out of his mind and away, he hasn’t quite figured out how to pull himself back. Usually Regulus has to help. Which is yet another burden he places on him when he is already juggling too much. He tries to hide it but his family, his parents and cousin, put a lot of pressure on him. Not the good kind of pressure, not like the healthy relationship James had with his parents. They only ever loved him and encouraged him to do good. The pressure there was always in his best interest. But look where that got him.
With Regulus that’s not the case. they both know it. He’s being forced into doing things no one should have to do. At a much younger age than he should. James knows that he didn’t go back to finish his last year at Hogwarts mostly because of him, but it can’t only be that. He would have been fine to be there. His parents probably didn’t want him going back either. Not now that he has the mark and can make his family proud. It’s nauseating, but it’s true.
If James knows one thing, it’s that the people in that family that actually matter are anything but proud of what Regulus is doing. What they are both doing. He just can’t let himself think about that for too long.
The day passes like most do. In a haze. He goes through the motions and is led by Regulus to do all that he needs to, like taking care of himself. Nothing else happens. Which is nice on days that they don’t have meetings or missions. They’re able to push it all away for a little bit. Today though, it’s looming. The time just ticks away, getting closer and closer. The training they have to go to, the secret one that only they were asked to go to. It’s all he can think about right now and he would very much like to not be thinking about it.
The problem with losing track of time is that days pass by in a matter of seconds. James thought he had just sat down to eat. Perhaps lunch time, though it was the first time he ate today. Except here he is being coaxed into the bedroom of the flat they moved into, to get dressed. Regulus doesn’t hand him the robes they wear when they go out on assignments, no he only hands him regular clothes. That almost makes him nervous.
“It’s going to be fine,” Regulus tries to assure him while pulling a jumper over his head. “I promise.”
That’s supposed to mean something, it just doesn’t seem to anymore. But James doesn’t have anyone that he trusts more than Regulus, so it has to. Those little words have to mean everything, or else nothing will. He needs to cling to it, to him. It’s the only way he will make it through.
His voice comes out hoarse, “Okay.” There isn’t much else he can say, nothing worth saying.
“Ready?” His eyes search in James’, looking to see if he’s here. Which he is, more than usual. He nods in response and meets his eyes.
It’s a good thing that he rarely looks in a mirror anymore. He wouldn’t be able to stand the sight of himself. None of it would look like him. How Regulus keeps looking at him, when he’s not himself, he has no idea. Though that’s one of the only things that keeps him going. There’s someone who needs him, who loves him.
He reaches one arm out for him to grab onto. They always apparate everywhere, but usually it’s Regulus who does it. It’s hard enough to apparate when you’re young, and he’s still technically underage for when they allow people to get licensed, but he knows he learned anyway. Much earlier than even now. Regardless of the energy it will take, he always side alongs James. He wants to thank him, he wouldn’t make it most places in one piece if he tried to do it on his own. Without being able to focus and allocate proper energy he would surely get splinched.
In a blink their surroundings change. It’s blurry for a moment and then it all comes into focus. Or as much focus as James is used to right now. When he wants to stop focusing altogether he takes his glasses off. But even with them on, the world isn’t quite right. Something is always off about it. Everything has looked different since the mark. The place they now stand at the entrance of looks familiar but he can’t quite place it. Most likely it’s where one of the many meetings have been, he doesn’t care enough to figure out any more.
They are welcomed through the doors by a house elf, telling him that this is a manor that belongs to some family. The halls are ornately decorated, very posh. Everything is pristine and perfectly placed and cleaned. A chill runs through him, but he stops it before it causes him to truly shiver. Regulus let go of him though, no longer tethering him to their surroundings.
He always does that. James knows it doesn’t mean he loves him any less, it doesn’t mean anything really. It’s just another layer of protection for both of them. Keeping their relationship hidden is for the best especially with this group of people. One wrong move, even breathing in the wrong direction, gets you killed. He’s protecting them both by not holding onto him at every turn. But he wishes he would, that he would be worth that risk, that he would hold him tight so that he doesn’t slip away any more than he already has.
It feels like they are walking forever down the hallway, past door after door, just waiting until they get pulled into one by whoever called them here. That’s when he hears a scream, and then quick silence. Regulus flinches next to him, but by the time James turns to look, he acts like nothing happened. Covering up his emotions for his sake. Just as he always does.
One door swings open and they are greeted by someone who looks familiar. She has ragged dark hair and distinct grey eyes. Ones that he would know anywhere. His thoughts are confirmed when she calls out with a shrill voice and a wicked smile. “You made it baby cousin!”
“Bella.” Regulus stands firm, guarding himself and James like he always does. Possibly more so.
He tries to keep focused, on her or him, but none of that works. In the corner of the room he see the two people kneeling on the ground, hands bound behind their backs. James can’t take his eyes off of them once he looked their way.
“What did they do?” He barely recognizes his own voice. It’s quiet and stuns him. He was thinking the question, but he didn’t quite mean to ask it out loud. Not to two of the high ranking death eaters that surely don’t care what happens to anyone other than themselves.
“Ooooh! He’s eager!” She yells excitedly, practically jumping up in the air.
He hates that. He’s never eager for anything they do, it hurts that it comes across that way. Everyone who knew him before, the people who really know him, would know that he asked that out of concern. Well actually, those same people don’t really know him, not when they thought the worst of him. He wouldn’t be here if they knew him and trusted him like he always thought they did. Nothing really makes sense anymore, he just lets life happen around him.
“These two muggles,” He winces at the way Lucius says it so menacingly, “are the parents of a witch. We have already dealt with her, but you two are here to help with them.”
At the back of his mind he wonders what exactly he means by that. He’s been around the death eaters long enough to know that it rarely only means killing them. That would be too easy. Not that he wants that to be what they are being asked to do right now, but maybe it would be easier. Quicker at least. Regulus seems to know, he doesn’t need further explanation. Despite that, Bellatrix continues with a demonstration any way. It would have been better to just be told. Rather than watching as she and Lucius torture the two innocent people sitting before them.
It gets worse when he sees their mouths moving. Trying to scream. His first thought is that there is a ringing in his ears causing it all to be muffled. That’s happened before. Multiple times his brain has blocked out sounds he would rather not hear, so surely their screams are that. Except he hears Bellatrix cackle excitedly. So he can hear.
They just can’t scream. Or well, their screams can’t be heard.
How awful it must be to be in pain and have no one to help. No one hearing how much you are hurting to make it stop. Then again, even if their screams were audible no one would be lending a helping hand. So maybe this is better.
Finally, after what seems like too long, they drop the spell. Both of the people, who genuinely look like lovely people, fall forward. Slumped over, processing the pain they just felt. It hits him, even though it was already said, it hits him now. That he is going to have to cause that pain too. This is why he and Regulus are here tonight. To learn how to cast an unforgivable. Something he never thought he would do.
If there is any time for him to force himself to slip away, this would probably be it. Except if he does that then he won’t know what happens, he won’t be able to make sure they make it home okay, he won’t have any control. And if he doesn’t have any control he wouldn’t be able to cast such a powerful spell, and who knows what would happen after that. He’d probably be hit with the curse himself. Though if he’s gone, then it wouldn’t really hurt. He just can’t let that happen to Regulus. So he doesn’t slip away, he doesn’t let himself. James has to stay. He forces his mind to be present.
“Your turn…” She says quietly and in a sing songy voice.
Next to him, Regulus tenses. They haven’t looked at each other since James first looked at the two people. His gaze hasn’t shifted since then. He really wants to turn and look at him now. Is it safe to do that? Does it really matter? Abandoning all self preservation instincts, he looks at Regulus, slightly panicked. Looking for reassurance. If he could reach out and grab hold of him for some support, he would. But he knows he shouldn’t, so he stands still. His arms are at his sides and everything feels a little uneasy. Like the gourd beneath him is shaking.
Regulus doesn’t look at him, he seems lost in his head. Oh, right. He’s had this cast on him before, James remembers. Or well he thinks that’s a real memory of something he told him before. It might have been Sirius who told him that, maybe it wasn’t the younger brother. The thought of his old friend doesn’t hurt that much right now, but he is a little focused on other things.
His eyes go wide, he can’t take them off of the people slumped over in front of him. He has to make them like this, that’s what he’s expected to do right now. Regulus too. That must be awful for him, he’s felt it before and must know that it feels terrible. At least James doesn’t have that feeling in his brain. Even still, he doesn’t think he has it in him to hurt anyone. He really can’t.
“Oh little cousin, I said it was your turn.” Bellatrix looks at him, then to James. “Both of you!”
He tries to swallow down his fear, but it gets stuck in his throat. Forcing him to face it, that’s what he has to do. There is no other way out of this. No going around, no avoiding, just doing. James hears his own breathing get ragged. It doesn’t sound like Regulus is even breathing next to him at all as he nods in response to his cousin. This can’t be good, he can’t do this. The panic rises in him and all he wants to do is shut down and disappear.
As she crosses the room and stands with Lucius, likely waiting for them to cast the curse, he turns back to Regulus. Their eyes meet once again and he sees the fear in his eyes, the same fear he mirrors back. James sees as he tries to mask his own feelings on this, to support him. He always does this, makes sure he is okay without regard for himself. That’s not how it should be, they should get through everything together.
That’s how this will have to go. There probably isn’t another way. He’s not sure why or how but he gets it stuck in his head that if they don’t both follow orders that they will be crucioed instead. James would really like for that not to happen. Even more, he doesn’t want to have to watch it happen to Regulus. He would have to force himself to slip away, he would need to do everything he could to survive it. At least he wants to think he would.
In reality if they cast a cruciatus on him, he wouldn’t do anything. Maybe he would slip away on his own, maybe he would just sit and take it. But maybe he deserves the pain it would cause, after all that he has done, maybe he should have to pay for it. Maybe everyone he has lost would think so too. More than that, he would probably let them cast it on him until it kills him. It would be easier that way, right? For him, yes, but not Regulus. So he has to get through this for him.
But he can’t.
Softly Regulus whispers. “It’s okay. You’ll do it and get it over with and then we’ll go home.” As if it is that easy.
“I- I don’t know if I can.” His voice cracks but remains quiet enough.
His heart is beating out of his chest and he wants to squeeze his eyes shut to pretend he is anywhere other than here. That isn’t an option though. Before him, Regulus seems to center himself. The emotions he couldn’t hide before, seemed to have been wiped away. Like they were never there at all. His breathing is steady and he looks perfectly calm.
“You can. It’s not that bad. Just think of it like any other spell.” The way he talks is as if they were simply working on a charms assignment, not torturing innocent people.
“Don’t you have to… mean it with the unforgivables?” He gulps before continuing. “I’ve read that they don’t work unless the intention is there. Reg, I can’t.” Anxiety bubbles up worse than before. “I just can’t…”
The more they talk about it the less confident he is that this will end well. Not that there was much of a chance of that to start, but now he really doesn’t know. James just doesn’t want this to end with the two of them on the ground in pain just like the two in front of them now. Mainly he wants to keep this from happening to Regulus. Even if he’s felt it before, he doesn’t ever need to again.
“Just try, Jamie. You have to.” He doesn’t fight him on how this will go, Regulus just wants it to be over too.
He lets the air out of his lungs, and his shoulders slump. “Okay, yeah I can try.” The words come out quiet and he can’t believe they come out at all.
This whole time his wand has been in his hand very loosely remaining by his side. He’s surprised he hadn’t dropped it at all. But now he has to raise it and he’s never wanted to do anything less. Before he says the word, he tries to set his intention. Except he doesn’t want to hurt these people. This is too much. He said he would try, it’s how they get to leave and go home tonight, so he will.
“Crucio.” The word is sharp and vile on his tongue, though his voice doesn’t waver. That should be enough, but it isn’t. Nothing happens. No light leaves the wand, the muggles don’t seem in any more pain than they were before he cast it, nothing. Everything is just as it was, except he tried to cast an unforgivable. Everything is the same except for James.
James is never going to be the same after tonight, no matter how this plays out.
With his wand still raised, he thinks about casting it again. Trying harder to make it work. Maybe if he focuses on the intention of casting it, rather than the intention of hurting. Would that be enough? He is about to try again and notices that his wand, and his hand, are starting to shake. That needs to be under control before he keeps going. Breathe in and out, in and out.
Next to him a voice comes to his ear at a whisper. It startles him, but not enough to be noticeable. “James, it doesn’t hurt them that bad.” He’s not sure that Regulus is telling the truth, but what does he know. “I promise they won’t be in as much pain as you’re thinking. I-,” He pauses and makes sure they are looking in each other’s eyes. “You know I’ve felt it before. Do you trust me?”
What a dumb question. Of course he does, he always has. He trusts him more than anyone. Instinctively. He’s never hurt him, he’s never lied to him, that’s how things always work with them. They’re in it all together. More than just the fact that James trusts him, he doesn’t trust anyone else. He doesn’t even have anyone else. So even if he didn’t believe Regulus, and right now he’s not entirely sure he does, it’s still far better than no one. No matter what he trusts Regulus, and no one else. Not even himself.
“Of course I trust you… You’re the only person I trust.” He adds the second part just for good measure, but he regrets it immediately.
Regulus breathes deeply and he wants to know what he’s thinking, but that isn’t important if they can’t figure out how to get through this. “Look at me, I’m here. I’m fine, right? I’ve been crucioed and I’m still standing. It will be okay. Come on, let’s do it together.” He steps closer and grabs his wand to mirror James. “Yeah?”
It doesn’t change anything. It should and he wants it to, but even hearing those words from Regulus doesn’t make it any better. James already knew that he has felt it before, he knows what the Black house was like when they were children. It doesn’t change what the curse is and what he’s being asked to do. Though it does break his heart thinking about it. About Regulus, too small to know any better, being crucioed for something that probably didn’t matter.
Against his will his mind drifts further and to thoughts of both brothers being tortured. Did they at least have each other through it? He can practically hear the sounds of both of them screaming and he hates himself for being able to imagine that. And even more so because after everything that has happened he isn’t mad at Sirius, he only wants to give him a hug. To make things right and make everything okay.
Now more than ever before he wants to push himself out of his mind. He wants to slip away. Being present for this isn’t something he can handle, but he doesn’t have a choice. It will be worse if he’s not here. There are too many variables, too much risk in going away right now. Plus, he can’t leave Regulus on his own. He shouldn’t have to deal with him on top of all of this.
So he does what he has to do. He takes a deep breath and tries to focus. The words Regulus said replay in his mind and he forces himself to take those as the truth. They aren’t, neither of them are fools enough to think they are. James doesn’t even care right now that he’s being lied to, that the one person he trusts in this world would lie to him. When it’s about this, and to get them both out of here, he gets it. He looks away from him and turns to face the people that will haunt his sleep for the rest of time. After this he knows he won’t be the same, but there isn’t much left of him to be changed anyway.
Somehow he knows that the curse will work this time. He takes one last look at Regulus, though that might be a mistake. If he hadn’t looked, maybe this would be easier. When he turns back to the muggles, he can already feel his heart cracking open. It’s never going to be okay after this. At least they’re doing it together, right?
In unison they say, “Crucio.”
For it to work he has to keep his eyes on the targets, the people. They writhe under the curse but remain silent. Whatever spell was cast previously to keep their screams from coming out is still there. Right now James is thankful for that. He wouldn’t be able to stand their cries. That doesn’t stop him from being able to imagine how Regulus screamed when he’s felt this before. Or his brother, and that hurts James even more.
His body can barely keep him standing, the curse is taking all that he has. Not that there is much left of him at all these days, but tonight is taking all of him. It would only take one blow for him to be down for good, but here he is still standing and holding his wand. His heart beats in his chest but he can feel it more than normal, it’s seconds away from leaping out of him.
Through this James doesn’t take a breath. Breathing feels wrong when he’s inflicting what he is. If they don’t get a second of peace then he can endure holding his breath until they are able to slump over in relief again. It’s not the same, but it’s something. Eventually he knows he will reap the consequences of this and he will be ready for that. James knows what he deserves, it’s worse than what he’s doling out right now. But for now he just wants this to be over so he can go home.
After a few minutes, Lucius comes back into his periphery. They both drop the curse and his wand feels heavy in his hand. They were seeing how long they could hold it, apparently impressed with them. That makes him feel sick, though he holds back the contents of his stomach until they are alone. There isn’t much for him to throw up, but he can’t keep anything down, the bile is already rising in his throat.
“Very good, very good.” He comes too close to James for comfort. “I expected you to struggle more with it.” He sounds pleased, only worsening his state. He inches closer to Regulus now, placing one hand on his shoulder. “Quite powerful too. You’ll be of use next time, I’m sure.”
He feels weak on his feet, like he could fall over any second. Without anything to lean on, he tries to focus on Regulus who is talking now. Trying to get them to go home now, he supposes. “Is there anything else tonight?” His voice is soft and nice in his ears.
Bellatrix dismisses them, “No cousin. You’re free to go.”
The very second they are out of view of them, Regulus latches onto him like it is life or death. James does his best to stay standing. To not become dead weight. They apparate back to the flat, though he doesn’t register that it’s happened until he is already standing at home. Here he can try to hold his own, at least a little bit. Better than at the manor. His vision is blurry and he just stares off ahead of him. Waiting for Regulus to come into view, but he doesn’t.
So there is nothing to look at. His eyes glaze over and he doesn’t even care. There is no use fighting himself in slipping away now. Regulus won’t stop him, he probably thinks it would be good for him to have that peace. Or whatever it is. He is free to go away if he wants. And he does, but that would again leave Regulus on his own. That is not fair to him, not when he had to do the same thing. It affected him even more, James thinks, he has to be strong for him. If he can, but that possibility fades more each second that passes.
Regulus pulls him back and onto the sofa, making sure he sits down comfortably. He’s doing more than he should, he could handle himself right now. He should be trying to help Regulus, it shouldn’t always be this way. Except it is, and he doesn’t have the energy to do anything more. Existing takes all that he has to give. James leans his head onto his boyfriend and he can hear the slow but steady beat of his heart. It calms him as much as anything can.
Everything feels hazy. It’s like he is gone, but he’s not. As often as he does slip away, he isn’t entirely sure what it feels like. He only knows the before and after, maybe this is what during it is like. There is nothing he can do to fix it right now, he’s stuck like this. All he hopes is that he isn’t stuck like this forever.
Laying on him, James wants to fall asleep. That would be good and maybe he would feel better after. He lets his eyes fall shut, blocking out the blurry surroundings he had already gotten used to. Though when the darkness comes it is quickly replaced by the people he tortured. By himself torturing. If he fell into the sleep that he craves, the dreams would surely welcome him with teeth. He doesn’t want that.
No matter how much he wants to sleep, he won’t let himself right now. James will simply just stay like this, looking at the wall because there is nothing there that can hurt him. It’s safe. Here is safe, in Regulus’ arms he is safe. He knows this and yet he doesn’t feel safe. It feels wrong, he feels wrong. They left the house earlier and he was fine, not great but fine. Now they’re back and he came back wrong.
Is Regulus okay? He should ask, that would be the right thing to do. He loves him so much, he should be able to take care of him just as much. It’s just hard to get out of this. He would have to yank himself back to reality and face everything. Like this he knows it’s all there, at least tonight he does. Usually it’s more distant. He’s more out of it, a shell of himself. It’s hard to tell which way is better.
He doesn’t want to remember tonight now that it’s over. For some reason he can’t seem to push himself out of consciousness tonight. For some reason he’s not simply fading away either, normally it would happen on its own, but it hasn’t.
“James?” He hears him call out softly.
Nothing comes out when he opens his mouth. Maybe Regulus can see that he’s trying, but it doesn’t mater. His fingers begin running through his hair and it feels nice. It could almost lull him entirely. Almost, but not quite. James just stays there and tries to find comfort in this.
Comfort that he doesn’t deserve. He’s gone on other missions as a death eater, but this is the worst thing he’s ever done. There is no coming back from this, he’s an awful person.
What would his mum think of him now? Would she still pull him into her arms and hold him like she used to? She would know just by looking at him that he’s become something worse, that he’s done unspeakable things. He’s no longer the boy she raised, the one who does good things and tries his best to make everyone around him happy.
The next time he blinks there are tears in his eyes. Were they there before? They could have been. But he knows there are tears now and there is no stopping them. Silently they trail down his cheeks as he thinks of Euphemia and the boy he used to be. Did she find out what he’s become? Or about the night she held him while he cried after getting the mark? His tears double but everything else about him remains stoic.
He feels so much, he doesn’t feel anything at all.
There are hands on him, holding him. Momentarily he forgets where he is. Warmth under him and around him. So why does he feel so cold? A year ago, he used to be the warm one. James had never known what it was like to feel truly cold, now he does. Now he is all too familiar. As warm as Regulus is, because he realizes that is who is holding him, he can’t warm James up enough. It’s not his fault, he’s doing all that he can.
Maybe he regrets all of this, all of James. He was meant to protect Regulus, make sure everything would be okay. And now here he is unable to do anything. He doesn’t shiver from how cold he is, he doesn’t ask for a blanket to keep him warm. It wouldn’t do any good.
“It’ll be okay James, I’ve got you.”
I’ve got you. I’ve got you. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.
I’ve got you. He used to say that to comfort Regulus. When there was nothing else that could be done. They have each other, James has him, they have a future. It was always a promise. An empty promise, but one that he spoke like a prayer. Like an oath. It’s one that he could never keep, there was no way of truly keeping it. Maybe he has him, they do have each other, but they don’t have a way out of this. It only gets worse with each day that passes. They have each other, and maybe that’s all they have.
He still doesn’t deserve it. Regulus should let him go, he should get someone better. Someone who can actually help him get through this war and out to see the other side. Every day that passes, James is less and less sure that they will live to see the end. And if they do, he won’t be the reason it happens. He was supposed to be, but when he’s like this he can’t get them there. At this point it’s up to Regulus to drag them through it.
The words continue to echo through the air. Bouncing off the walls around them, hanging there waiting for someone to latch onto them and pull them close to keep them safe. Waiting for him to believe the words. He repeats them while carding his fingers through his hair. I’ve got you, Regulus chants. Let me go, James wants to respond. Let me go Reg, it’s not worth it. He doesn’t want to drag him down with him.
Regulus doesn’t let go, not at first. The words never leave his lips but he doesn’t stop thinking them. They stay there for longer than they should. He knows that he should get up, stop forcing Regulus to stay like this with him. It’s not worth it. But he stays there and doesn’t stop comforting him, he doesn’t stop trying to keep a hold of him.
All the while James doesn’t slip away. Not in the same way he normally does. He wants to, it would be easier for him if he did. He wouldn’t need to be aware of the comfort Regulus is trying to give him that he doesn’t deserve. He wouldn’t need to still thinking about what he did earlier. He wouldn’t need to exist. Even just for the brief time he’d slip out of his own mind, he wouldn’t be here. And that would be so much better. Anything would be better than this, he thinks.
An hour, maybe two, or maybe only ten minutes pass. He feels the body he is lying on shift, and then his head is on the couch rather than Regulus. His eyes are unfocused, and his glasses have been discarded somewhere at some point. He doesn’t need to or want to see anyway. But he does notice as Regulus gets up and slips into their bedroom, leaving him alone. That’s good, he should take time for himself, he shouldn’t be entirely focused on James. He needs to process today on his own too.
In a different time maybe James would have gotten up to follow him. Acting as his shadow, just wanting to be close to him. He doesn’t now, he just stays there on the couch. When he’s with Regulus, he causes more problems than he is worth. So he stays here, eyes barely staying open as he zones out in the direction of their bedroom door that sits ajar.
And then he’s slipping out of consciousness, not out of his mind like he wants, just to sleep.
Which is much worse when you think about it, really.
At least a break from his mind is reversible.
What he dreams will replay in his mind forever.
His eyes open to a place he knows well. He doesn’t dream often, but it’s easy to know this is one. There would be no other reason to be here after everything. James, who he used to be, would be more optimistic, more gullible, more trusting. But that’s not who he is now. This used to be his favorite place. Or one of them at least. Their Hogwarts dorm. Where he made the best friends he ever knew, and lost them just as quickly.
It’s just a dream. It’s thankfully a dream, it could be refreshing, it could be nice while it lasts. Even if it will hurt when he wakes up to the reality where his friends still will never talk to him again, he could at least enjoy this. It’s worth trying, James tries to force himself to think.
The door to the dormitory opens, and in walks his best friend. Former best friend perhaps, but he never replaced him. He may not be Sirius’ best friend anymore, but Sirius will always be his. There is no one else to fill that role.
“Hey Prongs!” He happily says, giving James the slightest hope that he can dream peacefully tonight.
The dream seems to be in control, not him. Otherwise he would have already ran over to wrap his arms around him. He’s frozen where he stands and he can’t do anything. Or maybe dream James doesn’t want what he wants. Is that even possible? Shouldn’t they be the same, shouldn’t they want the same things? He tries to scream, just to see what would happen. Nothing does, and just like that he loses all hope of this being a dream. In the end it’s not a dream at all.
Sirius walks closer to him, not sensing that anything is wrong. As if nothing ever went wrong between them, as if he never lost trust in James. It makes him wonder though. If he rolled up his sleeve right here in this dream, what would he see? This is the first thing that works when he tries it, but his arm is bare. No dark mark. He almost bursts into tears. It’s been too long since he didn’t feel the sting of the dark mark, since he saw the clean skin of his past. Oh how he missed this. His hand runs over his arm, just taking in the soft untainted skin while he can.
“What are you doing?” He questions, but not with any hesitation, just pure curiosity.
But then he feels his hand reaching for his wand. Fingers wrapping around it. His arm lifting, pointing it at Sirius. In a way he’s never done to him before. There was never a reason to hex each other. Whenever thy pulled pranks it was always on other people, never each other. Sirius is never someone he would draw his wand on, not like this.
“Prongs? …Come on James this is not funny, what are you doing?” His eyes go wide, looking at him with horror on his face.
The worst part is he knows exactly what he is about to do. And he can’t stop the dream even if he tried. It makes him sick.
Finally words come to the top of his throat and he pushes them through. “I don’t want to do this Padfoot.”
“Jamie?” His voice cracks and he sounds like he did when they were eleven, young and unaware of what is all to come.
“I’m sorry Sirius, I’m so sorry.” He cries, a tear spilling over the edge of his eye and down his cheek.
One tear mirrors him on Sirius and that makes it all worse. They were never meant to be like this, even in this dream they aren’t how they are right now. Here they are supposed to be okay, they are supposed to be how they were before trust was broken. This Sirius doesn’t know all of the bad things that he has done, so why is he ruining that. He can’t get dream James to stop, even after pushing the words out, that was all the control he gained back.
Or maybe, in a much worse way, he is the one doing this. Dream James and James himself are the same. That could be it, and if he really wanted to, he could stop himself. Maybe deep in his mind he wants to hurt him, the way he was, no is, hurt. It wouldn’t make it any better, nothing can at this point.
Not when his wand doesn’t lower, or when Sirius cowers before him defenseless. Definitely not when his eyes narrow and the words brush his lips as they are spoken. Soft, much softer than they should be.
“Crucio.”
Sirius screams. Just the same as the way he screamed in James’ mind at the Manor, but worse. Louder. No one comes to help, he didn’t expect anyone else. He keeps screaming, it echos around the room and through his head. His ears ring, but somehow he doesn’t lose focus and the curse holds.
If he could just look away, break his focus, then he could fix this. He could stop. But no matter what he does, it keeps going. With Sirius falling to the ground, trying to stop screaming. trying to catch his breath, trying to beg and plead for James to stop. That’s all James wants to do, he doesn’t want to hurt him.
The curse is not supposed to work unless he means it, and deep down he doesn’t. Nothing would ever be enough for him to want to cause Sirius this pain. Nothing at all. Even as the times that Sirius was cold to him, cruel even, flash through his mind, he can’t find it in him to even be upset with him. In the end he was right, James isn’t good. He proved Sirius right, and continues to even here in his dream.
His wand doesn’t lower, no matter how hard he tries to get it to. He is stuck here holding this curse against his best friend. Eventually his screams fade out, he just lays there taking it. The limp body before him twitches at the pain, but comes back to himself after a moment. No longer screaming, no longer writhing on the ground. Instead he gains strength, fighting against the cruciatus curse.
The pain is all he can see in Sirius’ eyes. “Please, stop. I’m begging you.”
That should be enough, he should stop. Lower his wand. Reach out and hold him. Comfort him after causing him the worst pain imaginable. He almost does. The curse stops for a moment. James only relieves because the boy in front of him sighs in relief. That isn’t the end though. His wand is still raised and without even speaking the words, the green light comes out the end once more, enveloping Sirius in the turmoil that it causes.
“Jamie, please. I can’t.” And then he doesn’t speak again, he returns to screaming until his voice his hoarse and his throat is likely raw.
When the curse dies out again, James loosens his grip and his wand hits the ground. He runs, he should run away, but instead reaches out and drops to the ground. Sirius whimpers when his hands touch him, he recoils at his presence. That hurts him more than casting the curse, well… almost. Nothing could be that bad. He thinks it would be easier to be tortured than to ever cast that again. Even in a dream.
His eyes are still shut, wincing at even the slightest contact. All James wants to do for him right now is make it better. To comfort him to make up for the pain he caused. Except he only seems to be making it worse. Nothing he can do can fix this.
This or anything else, really. Dream James starts thinking like real James, so maybe he was right in thinking they were never really that different. He knew already that after tonight everything would be different, everything about him. He can never go back to who he was before. This solidifies that in his mind. Using the cruciatus curse on someone random was bad enough. Now, even if just in a dream, he’s used it on his best friend.
How can he ever face him again? It’s probably a good thing that he never will. There would be no begging for mercy. He wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. Even if Sirius never knows about this dream, James does. When he looks into his eyes, if he ever does again, this will be what he sees.
From within his arms, Sirius screams some more. There is no longer the reasoning of the curse twisting and pulling at the inside of his mind. This is only because of James. The screaming continues, and eventually grows louder. Until he finds that half of the sound is coming from his own throat. They are both screaming now, with nothing to take away the pain.
James has found that all nightmares start out as dreams. This one was no exception.
“It’s okay, you’re okay. I’ve got you.” Sirius says.
I’ve got you. No, that’s not Sirius. James pries his eyes open and tries to get his vision to focus. Where are his glasses? That doesn’t matter, he doesn’t really want to see right now. Without them he still knows that this is not longer Sirius, even if he bares a distinct resemblance to him. That’s how he realizes he is no longer dreaming, he’s awake and his wand is far from him. He’s not holding anyone, Sirius is gone. It’s just Regulus here now, holding him. Comforting him. Something he really doesn’t deserve anymore.
His throat tingles with a faint sense of scratchiness. Like he’d been screaming. It’s rough, and maybe it would hurt to talk. He doesn’t want to try right now, he doesn’t know what he would say. All he can do right now is try to breath, to find that footing in reality again. To separate the dream from this. Sirius isn’t here, he didn’t torture him.
But he did torture someone. That hasn’t changed. Real life is never that different from his dreams. James almost wants to scream, or well scream again. That wouldn’t be fair to Regulus. He was trying to process everything on his own, he was trying to make sure he was okay, and James took that from him. He made it about himself. This was never supposed to be about him. It was meant to be about Regulus, about helping him, about getting him through to the other better side after the war.
Even before that James was meant to help save him from the war entirely. He failed at that, and now here they are. Both doomed to become the worst versions of themselves. With each other as their only way out, but neither of hem are equipped to make it out at all.
“Hey, look at me, baby.” Regulus lightly touches his cheek.
He flinches, not expecting the softness of his fingers. How can he still be so gentle? This war, getting the dark mark, losing his friends and himself, has all completely ruined James. Nothing about him is soft anymore. His features that Regulus loved, the softness in his eyes, the warmth he radiated, the way he held him in the early days of their relationship. It’s all gone.
There is none of that left and James can no longer be the same boy he was then. When he reaches to touch Regulus, if he is the one to reach out, it’s grasping, it’s desperate, but it’s not soft. It’s never soft. Not like this. Not in the way that Regulus' hand is caressing his cheek and then cards through his hair.
Regulus is close enough that he can see him clearly now without his glasses on. He still looks the same, he is still the boy he fell in love with. At first he tries to look anywhere but in his eyes, he can’t meet them. They are the same grey eyes that Sirius has, now more than ever he can’t handle that. All he would be able to see would be the bloodshot eyes of his best friend reflect through his younger brother. His fingers comb through his messy curls and then back to his chin where he tries to guide his eyes up, so he just shuts them instead.
How can he face him? How can he explain the dream he just had?
“Bad dream?” He questions. James’ eyes flick up at that, answering for him, so he continues. “I’ve had them too. I used to have them more. It does get easier, you’ll feel it less eventually.”
“Oh.” It’s one word, just one syllable, but it makes Regulus light up to hear him talk.
He should try to talk more, he knows it can’t be pleasant when he gets this quiet. It’s not fair to him either, but this isn’t something he can really talk about. But hearing Regulus’ voice helps, he wants him to keep talking. Then maybe James can find his voice again. He’s probably just glad that he hasn’t slipped away yet, this would be a typical time that he would, and yet he hasn’t.
They never talk about the times that he is gone. He knows they happen, but he doesn’t usually ask about it when he comes back to himself. It’s not worth it. Nothing really happens, that he knows of, during the days he slips away. What bothers James is not knowing how Regulus feels about it. It has to hurt him, the fact that James would rather stop existing than keep going through life with him. But he never says anything. He doesn’t show any signs that he wishes thins were different, given the circumstances that is. He just pretends like it’s all fine, probably for James’ sake.
That’s one thing they don’t talk about. There are plenty of others too. But what they do talk about is how things would be if the situation were different and even what they will do when things are better. The life they could have at the end of all of this. He’s not convinced there will be an end, especially one where they both live to see it. But on good days, he plays along and they talk about the life they would live. It hurts to hope though.
“You don’t have to talk about the dream you had, but I know how it is. I’ve had some bad ones over the years. I started having them after the first time I saw him have the curse used on him.” It’s not what he expects to hear.
Another thing they don’t talk about is Sirius. He has gotten better about thinking about him. Remembering him. It doesn’t always hurt as much. Or maybe he’s grown accustomed to that pain and welcomes it with open arms. A lot of the time it is better than thinking about how things are. But Regulus never mentions him. Knowing how hard it is on James. He still doesn’t say his name, but his presence is looming over them, hanging in the air through his words.
His stomach lurches at it. As used to thinking about him as he has grown, now it’s different. After the dream, it’s different. It’s a new kind of pain. One he will need to get used to if he will be able to keep living.
“Sometimes it’s me watching him under our mother’s wand, unable to stop it. Other times it’s-” He pauses, taking a deep breath, gathering strength to push the words out. James wants to tell him he doesn’t have to say it, he doesn’t need to do this for him, but he continues before he gets the chance. “Other times it is him holding the wand.”
James shuts his eyes, squeezing them until it’s almost painful. Behind his eyes he can see it. Just like he was standing over Sirius, writhing in pain on the ground, but it is brother over brother. Older holding the younger’s life in his hands. His eyes shoot open, begging the image to be gone. A hand is placed over his own, Regulus interlocks their fingers, rubbing circles with his thumb. He tries to soothe him, but it won’t work. Nothing will.
“I’m sorry.” He says. To who, James isn’t really sure. There is too much for him to be sorry about, there will never be enough time for him to repent.
“It’s okay. I’ve got you. It will get easier, I’ll make sure that it does.” He doesn’t believe him, but he lets him keep on saying it. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know if I can.”
“That’s okay.” Regulus affirms, letting silence fall around them.
Again, all he wants is to fade away. It’s a selfish thought. James is aware of that, but it doesn’t stop the thought. If he wasn’t here he wouldn’t be having the dream he had, Regulus wouldn’t have to think about the dreams he has had before, both of them would be better. It would be good if they could both slip away. Together. A fake world where it is only them and none of what is really happening could get to them.
Into the void, just the two of them.
That’s not possible though, and James is still sitting here fully present. His body starts to shake and even Regulus can’t get it to stop. He tries, his arms wrap around him, pulling their bodies close. The only difference is now he is shaking in his arms rather than sitting upright. He just needs to slow his heart down, then the shaking will stop. Then he can stop being a mess that Regulus needs to clean up.
For now. They will always end up back here. Until one of them is gone for good. That is the only end to the cycle. Tragic, isn’t it? There is no way where they get to be happy. James realized this long ago, and maybe he has always known. He’s not sure if Regulus knows and he is too scared to ask. What would be the point in both of them knowing? One of them should be able to have hope.
He just never thought that he would be the one to give up, and Regulus would still be there hoping.
It’s making a wish on a star that has already died.
The shaking does eventually subside. He slows his breathing enough that he is still here, but barely. Usually this helps him fade away. Regulus watches it happen, he notices the shift and seems to prepare for having a mindless James in his lap. After everything, somehow he’s still present. Now of all times he needs this, but life is cruel. It knows he doesn’t deserves the break, he has to face this.
“I think I have a vial of dreamless sleep. You should have it so you can rest.”
“Okay.” James replies too quickly.
“I know it’s hard, I’ll get you through it.” His mouth hangs open, more words waiting to be said, but he hesitates. “Who was it? Holding the wand?”
Oh. He thinks too good of James. Just as everyone always has. This James has always been part of him, he must have been. Eventually everyone sees the worst in him. They all think he is good, that he can’t do any wrong. Oh how wrong they all are. The truth is always revealed, and this is the real James. It must be. The good one that he used to even see himself as, would never be capable of this.
He can’t say that it was him, he can’t say that even in his dream he is the one hurting people. Hurting Sirius. Regulus would never look at him the same. Maybe he should tell him. He should break the ruse of the good James that he loves and make sure he knows who he is giving comfort to.
It shouldn’t even come as much of a surprise. He has been by his side through all of this. Regulus watched as he chose the dark mark, more than he did. He had been forced into it, James took it of his own volition. Regulus watched as he turned his back on the friends he has loved since he was so young, as he goes on assignment after assignment for the death eaters. As he tortured an innocent muggle just because he was told to.
“James?” He questions, not to get an answer, just to see if he is still here.
What’s the right thing to do? He should tell him the truth. Just to see what he says. To watch him sit here and figure out how he can still love James. Realize that he can’t. That he made a mistake in all of this. Except James still loves him. and he is selfish and he wants to keep loving him. It’s not worth the risk of losing him. Nothing is.
Whether he is good or bad, and whose to really say what’s good or bad at this point, James just shakes his head. The dream will never be told, it can’t be. It’s a secret he will take to whatever his end may be. It will be in his thoughts as he dies. It’s a memory he never wanted, but it’s one he will never be rid of.