O Children
Chapter 4: O Children
James
James holds his friend for as long as it takes for him to calm down. It’s not as though this is the first time Sirius has cried in front of him; this isn’t even the worst shape he’s seen Sirius in, but he’s never seen him so…childlike.
In all the years they’ve known each other James has never seen his best friend just let go like this in front of him. Sirius is not one to hide his emotions. He wears them on his sleeve like a boy who’s just gotten his first tattoo; except for one, sorrow. That’s an emotion Sirius has always kept locked up tight.
After all these years, James has found ways to recognise when his friend wasn’t doing so well. But it was always James looking; never being informed.
James could probably count on one hand how many times Sirius told him what was bothering him, without James having to start an entire investigation. James knew that if it was Sirius coming to him for help, then it was fucking shit.
Last time this happened was after a party. Sirius had crawled into James’ bed, still half-drunk, and started crying into the pillow. James had hugged him, asking him what was wrong; because only hours before Sirius had been standing on a table in the common room belting out lyrics to a Bowie song. Now, Sirius did have his mood swings, and James knew how to handle them, but this had been something else entirely.
No matter how many times James asked what had happened, Sirius didn’t peep a word. He spent most of the night crying into James’ shoulder. James had held him, and tried to calm him down. But it wasn’t James’ words of comfort that calmed Sirius down in the end; it was exhaustion. He had passed out, slept for a couple hours, woken up, taken a shower, and pretended like the whole thing hadn’t happened.
In hindsight, it was obvious what had happened. It’s just that James, as per usual, seemed to be blind to that sort of thing.
Caught up in Sirius’ meltdown James hadn’t realised that Remus hadn’t come back to bed that night. James also hadn’t realised that it was a bit odd that the two had mysteriously disappeared during the party, and once they’d come out Remus had looked like a ghost, and Sirius had suddenly started downing concerning amounts of firewhiskey and throwing himself at every girl in his vicinity.
In his defence, James remembers asking Remus if anything had happened, who replied saying something about just having been sick. He didn’t really think twice about Sirius’ sudden spurt of energy, because that was normal. At least he thought it was.
Besides, that whole night was a bit blurry for James himself. Thanks to Marlene, and her bloody cocktails.
Despite Sirius’ abilities to bury everything under layers of charm, James can see it today: how much Sirius misses him, how much he needs him, how sorry he is for something that’s not his fault.
Sirius has gone through his life with the belief that the fault for any wrongdoing should fall on him. A trait he acquired having been raised by his sadistic mother, Walburga. It’s the reason he never apologises. It’s his way of defying it, James has come to understand. Sirius nearly never speaks the word ‘sorry’, because in his eyes it’s like giving up.
And if there’s one thing anyone should know about Sirius Black, it’s that he never gives up, or gives in. It’s something James absolutely adores about him, but it’s also driven James to multiple near-heart attacks. Only because Sirius never seems to know when to stop– no, how to stop.
Despite it, James heard the word ‘sorry’ from Sirius more times today than he has in the ten years he’s known Sirius.
That’s how James knows that he can’t leave him to do this alone. He just can’t.
James thinks that he knew this the second he opened the door and saw Sirius standing at the threshold. He’d never let Sirius do anything alone, not if he could help it. Not if it puts his life at risk.
Maybe it’s a mistake. Well, it most likely is. James knows that. The whole plan–well they don’t even have a plan. All they have is a note from Sirius’ death eater brother and a ghastly looking locket. Which, when James thinks about it, is really nothing at all. But there must be more to it, if Sirius has come here to tell him.
“Sirius,” James says, prodding him gently. Sirius doesn’t even bother wiping his eyes before looking up. “Is that locket, and the note all you have?”
Sirius looks at James for a second, his eyes raw red, his cheeks flushed, and laughs. It takes James aback, he actually jumps back. Next thing he knows he’s laughing with Sirius.
What about? He doesn’t actually know. All of the sudden it doesn’t matter. He just laughs.
“Yea, it is.” Sirius says, out of breath. Although this should make James angry, because what the fuck good is that going to do? It doesn’t. He finds it a bit comical actually. So much so, laughter bursts out of him again, hard and sudden. Sirius joins him, wheezing and barely keeping himself sat up.
It seems like ages that they sit there, both of them laughing hysterically. It reminds James of the time he, Sirius, Remus and Pete had shared a spliff of alihotsy; leaves of a tree that can induce uncontrollable laughter.
Sirius had apparently traded it for a Black family heirloom with some hooded wizard in Knockturn Alley the summer before their sixth year. James had been with him that day, and he doesn't remember Sirius slipping away. But when he thinks about it now, that was the day he had bumped into Lily. He must have gotten distracted.
James has a terrible habit of forgetting anything else apart from Lily exists when he’s around her.
Anyway, James doesn’t think he's ever been so beside himself laughing as he was then. Though, just now does give alihotsy a run for its money.
Eventually, James sighs, “I needed that. I don’t remember the last time I laughed like that.”
“Me neither.” Sirius says, also sighing. He looks over to James and smiles with a fondness that makes James wonder how he was so angry at him not an hour ago. Suddenly, Sirius’ face turns solemn, and James braces himself for impact. “James, I know I said what I said but–”
“Nope.”
“James–”
“No.”
Sirius laughs lightly, “You won’t even let me finish.”
“Yes, because I know what you’re going to say and I’m saying no. You’re not doing this by yourself.”
“What about Harry, James? I can’t guarantee he’ll be safe.”
“I know, but neither can I. Nowhere’s safe now. We are as good as sitting ducks hiding in that bloody house. Lily’s right; it’s time to do something about it. We’ll take Harry with us–”
Sirius actually stands up upon hearing this. He flails his arms out in outrage and stares at James as if he just grew two additional heads.
“Are you fucking mad?” Sirius pauses, taking a good long look at James. He clearly doesn’t find what he wanted to because he shouts, “James, have you actually lost your mind?”
James feels a bit too small for his liking with Sirius towering over him like this, so he stands up. He tries to take on a calm, reasonable tone. “No, Sirius listen–”
“I just listened to you, and I heard the most fucking ridiculous thing come out of your stupid gob.”
“Oi!” James shouts.
“Don’t fucking ‘oi’ me! You just told me that you’re taking your child, who has barely turned a year old, on a search that could kill us all. You have no right to ‘oi’ me, you twat.” Sirius says, all so quickly and loudly and with so much conviction that James just wants to hug him.
James doesn’t think he’ll ever stop being thankful for his friends undying loyalty to his son.
“Sirius, shut up and let me say my bit, yeah?” James finally manages to cut in, shouting a bit. Sirius swats his arms around again, so hard his hair follows their movements. He listens though, pressing his lips into a thin line. Almost as though the only way he can stop himself from speaking is by physical force. It makes James want to chuckle, he keeps it in though. “Me and Lily both decided on this,” James has to point a finger at Sirius as he says this, because Sirius is already opening his mouth again. It takes Sirius a second to compose himself, but he does. So James continues, “So if you don’t trust my intellect, you dick, trust hers. We’re not comfortable leaving Harry with anyone besides ourselves. And it’s not like I could convince Lily to stay behind with Harry; so we’re both going. Whatever happens, it was our decision and all responsibility falls on us, yeah?”
Sirius ruffles his hair so aggressively that when he stops, it has seemed to grow half the size. He looks at James for a moment, his eyes pained with regret. James can tell what’s going through his head. He’s scared; scared that if anything happens to Harry, it’ll be his fault because he’s the one who came to James with the idea.
It’s not that James blames him for that sort of thinking. If the roles were reversed the exact same thing would be going through his head.
They’re not though, and James wants to do this. He wants to be there with his best friend. He wants to help make the world better for his son. He wants to help make the world bright again, like it was only a couple years ago. He wants so much better.
Is this Horcrux business reliable? No, absolutely not.
James is very much fucking aware, because his gut is telling him to stay put, stay safe, hide, listen to Dumbledore.
Despite all the warnings James hears inside him, he doesn’t want to listen. He can’t help it. After all, it’s never been in James’ nature to play it safe, or listen to the rules.
Must be the Marauder in him.
James walks over to Sirius, taking hold of his shoulders, forcing Sirius to look James in the eye as he explains, “Sirius Black, you are my best fucking friend, yes?” James pauses, waiting for Sirius to confirm with a shaky nod. James replies with a matter-of-fact nod. “Yes, you are. Which is why I know that you will not let anyone lay a single finger on Harry. I know that you will do anything, and everything to keep my son safe.” As much as James tries not to, he can’t stop his eyes from glassing over, and his throat from getting lodged with a lump. When James speaks again, his voice is thick and croaky, “I also know that I love you so much that I lost a bit of myself after not seeing you for so long. If anything were to happen to you, and I wasn’t there, I don’t know if I could ever forgive myself. You’re my mate, Pads. If you jump, I jump. No questions asked. Just like we’ve always been. I trust you with my life, with Lily’s, and with Harry’s. So, if you’re saying that this is worth looking into, then we’re coming with. You’re not doing this alone, Sirius. Not if I can bloody help it.”
Somewhere along the way, tears had sneaked down James’ cheeks. He also realises that his grip onto Sirius had tightened so much it must be hurting him, but Sirius doesn’t show a sign of discomfort. All James sees in his best friend's eyes is love, and hope. Something James hasn’t seen in another person in a long time.
James can’t take it anymore, he throws himself at Sirius. He clutches onto him so hard he could very well be on the verge of breaking a bone; Sirius returns the favour. James doesn’t mind; it’s proof Sirius is alive, and here with him.
He could break my ribs into pieces right now, and I’d be grateful because it’s proof he’s alive; here with me, James thinks.
“Thank you,” Sirius whispers, sniffling slightly. “And I love you too, Prongs.”
————————————
Sirius
“Padfoot?” James asks, looking at Sirius’ boots with a confused expression as they walk back to the house.
Sirius hadn’t noticed how dark it had gotten while they were hashing it out. The only thing lighting up their way are the soft, warm glows of the tall street lights over them. The neighbourhood is so monotone, every house the exact same. If Sirius was tasked with getting home by himself in this darkness he isn’t sure he’d ever find the right house. So, he lets James walk slightly ahead of him, leading the way.
Well, he would be leading the way if he wasn't so distracted by Sirius’ boots. Sirius is aware of how incredible they are, but seriously?
It takes James stepping on Sirius’ foot for him to reply, “Ow! What is it? Why are you staring at my shoes?”
“Sorry mate,” James apologises, still staring at Sirius’ shoes. He stops in his tracks and straightens up, as if having a great epiphany. “Didn’t you leave them at the house?”
Sirius nods slowly, like he would to a very oblivious first year who just asked him if the paintings can really talk.
“Did you accio them here?” James asks, with a wondrous tone to his voice.
Sirius laughs, “Yes, James. I accioed them to myself. Why is this such a shock?”
James clicks his fingers, “That was the sound I heard. I knew it was magic.” He starts walking again, which Sirius is grateful for because it is fucking freezing all of the sudden. He plans to ask Lily, very nicely and with a lot of pouting, to make him a cup of tea. Much to Sirius’ dismay, James stops again and grins at Sirius knowingly. “Did you walk out barefoot?”
“No,” Sirius grumbles. “I didn’t”
“Oh, you’re such a liar. Did you walk around barefoot?” James teases, smiling stupidly.
“Well it’s not like you gave me time to put them back on.” Sirius bites back, but only half heartedly. James responds with a laugh that flips his head back and is far too loud for this situation. “Oh be quiet, you idiot. It’s not half as funny as you’re making it out to be.”
James only laughs harder; thankfully walking forwards again. As they walk through the maze of houses, every now and then James giggles, looking over at Sirius’ shoes. Sirius pretends to get annoyed by it, just to make James smile.
Sirius hadn’t realised how much he missed the stupid things like this; walking around laughing with his friends about nothing in particular.
It may sound insensitive, but Sirius thinks that that’s the greatest tragedy of this war. The loss of life is well, shit. Grief is everywhere, in every crevice of their lives. Still, somehow, in some fucked up way, it’s the loss of the tiny things that makes Sirius mourn his old life. He misses getting pissed with his friends, seeing them, speaking to them, laughing with them, being in their presence, waving to them from across the corridor, sharing food with the, complaining about meaningless things with them, fighting with them, hugging them, looking at them, pissing them of…The list goes on, and on. There are so many small things he misses with his entire being, so much that he wonders how he finds it in himself to get up everyday.
Paradoxically, his longing for those things is also the exact reason he gets up everyday. Sirius believes, truly believes, that they can get them back. They won’t ever be the same before, he knows that. He knows that he’ll never get back his old life. But the hope of building a new one, allowing the little things to come back into his life is enough for him to find the energy to drag himself onto his feet everyday. No matter how difficult it gets, how lonely.
Sirius starts recognising the street around him. It lets him know they’re nearly home. Which he is very fucking happy about because, merlin it is cold. He hadn’t felt this cold an hour ago, but perhaps it was the adrenaline. Now, his tattooed arms, despite the leather jacket covering them, are speckled with goosebumps. James must feel the same way because they seem to pick up the pace, desperate to be back in the warmth of a home.
This is also a nostalgic feeling for Sirius, and he welcomes it happily. The urgency to get home. Lately, he has been doing everything to not want to go back home.
Abruptly, their peace is disrupted by a laugh that Sirius knows all too well, and sends a whole new wave of shivers down his body. Instinctively, he grabs James by the arm and pulls them behind a hedge that covers some muggle’s front garden. When James tries to speak to him, no doubt to ask why they’re hiding, Sirius smacks his hand across James’ lips. Thank Godric that James is more obedient than himself, because that piercing laugh belongs to Bellatrix Lestrange.
Sirius can feel his heart pounding, and his hands begin to shake as he pulls out his wand. He casts an invisibility charm over him and James. He knows it’s only a temporary solution though. If his charming cousin senses someone watching her, which she has a horrifying talent for, an invisibility charm won’t do any good. As much as Sirius hates her, he has enough respect for her magical talents not to underestimate her.
An irritated grunt follows the laugh, and Sirius hears the whoosh of magic. As if something is being put back together. Then, another voice that says, “Bella.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
“It’s Bellatrix, and Lucius,” Sirius explains to James as quietly as he can, whose face immediately pales. “Fucks sake.”
James mouths to him, What are they doing here?
Sirius only shakes his head.
It’s a good question, what are they doing here? He reckons it's a search of some sort, but it doesn’t make sense.
Why would two death eaters be wasting their time in a place like Godric’s Hollow?
The village is so small; only containing a few shops, a church and a pub. The exact reason it was chosen by Dumbledore to be the Potters safe place. There are only a handful of people who know that James, Lily and Harry are here. Sirius could count them on his hand: himself (and he was definitely not the one to spill), Remus, Peter, and Dumbledore himself.
They wouldn’t. Remus wouldn’t–
No. He refuses to believe it. As messy as things are between him and Remus right now, he wouldn’t. He just wouldn’t.
They must be here for something else. To kill a muggle family maybe? He doesn’t know.
Sirius hates himself for thinking it, but he hopes that that is what they’re here for. Anyone but his family.
James bends round the hedge to take a look. Sirius grabs his arm, making sure he stays put because while they are invisible, they can still knock something over, and Sirius will be damned if the rustle of a bush is what gives them away.
“Oh calm down, Lucius. A couple of idiot muggles won’t be suspicious of a window being smashed. They’re too stupid to think anything of it.” Bellatrix says with desperation, and is met with a scoff.
“We’re not here to destroy muggle homes, Bella. So stop wasting time.” Lucius says, his tone monotone.
James places himself back behind the hedge and whispers directly into Sirius’ ear, so as not to make any unnecessary noise, “They’re using revelio on the houses. They’re looking for something.”
Well, that doesn’t sound good, Sirius thinks to himself.
He gives James a look, which James mirrors back. They’re both thinking the same thing: they’re here for Harry.
“Honestly, I don’t see why we can’t just burn them all down. It’d be a lot quicker.” Bellatrix chirps, and Sirius can hear that manic smile in her voice. It makes his blood boil. Bella and her fucking insanity. It always made him nervous, more so than his mothers sharp looks did, and that is saying something.
“Burn what?” Lucius questions, exasperation filling his voice.
“The houses, silly. If we set them all on fire, surely they’ll come running out.”
“Bella, stop fantasising and focus on the task given to us.” Lucius says, with a desperation close to a mother begging her child to leave her alone. If Sirius wasn’t so tense, he might have grinned at the annoyance building in Lucius.
This time it’s Sirius that takes a peek around the hedge. He sees Bellatrix with her slender face tipped to the dark sky, her arms out around her as she twirls on the spot. That’s the thing about her, to anyone who doesn’t know who she is, she looks harmless. Gentle, even. Obviously she is the furthest from that, but her demeanour is so childlike and carefree it can be confusing. Lucius, however, is scowling, clearly not happy to be assigned with Bellatrix. Sirius doesn’t blame him, that bitch is a lot to handle.
“Awh, so serious Lucie boy.” Bellatrix says, giggling crazily.
Lucius scowls as he looks back at her. Clearly his patience has been worn thin, because he shoots a gentle reducto charm at Bellatrix’s feet. She jumps, shaken out of her trance and points her wand at Lucius. A gentle, white ring wraps around Lucius’ neck; the string of light connecting to the tip of Bellatrix’s wand. A rope.
Lucius doesn’t seem to be bothered by this. He speaks nonchalantly, “First of all, stop calling me that–”
She interrupts him, and the rope tightens around Lucius’ neck. “I would if it didn’t bother you so much
“Second, The Dark Lord has ordered us to find the boy, discreetly. He said not to make a scene out of it, do you recall?” Lucius reminds her. Sirius turns himself to look at James, not being able to hide the worry in his eyes. James is shaking: with rage, fear or a mix of both, Sirius doesn’t know. He wants to hug him so badly it hurts, but he needs to keep an eye on Lucius and Bellatrix. It’s a rare advantage to have, observing death eaters who are oblivious to that fact they are being listened to. He turns back to look at them.
Bellatrix is ignoring what Lucius has just said, and pulls him in using her wand. His face pinches as he is brung close to her, but he doesn’t fight it. Once he is face-to-face with her, she scrapes her wand along his jaw. It looks so intimate Sirius wants to look away. He knows they’re not romantic with each other, they can’t be. Lucius is married to Narcissa.
Although, Sirius wouldn’t put it past Bellatrix to start something with Lucius just to anger her sister. He can never be sure with her though, she’s so unpredictable.
“Watch it.” Lucius snarls at her.
She strokes his face with her hand, looking into his eyes like a lovelorn woman who has just been reunited with her lover. Then, just as quickly as the emotion appeared in her face, it disappears. The rope around Lucius' neck shimmers into nothing, and Sirius can see the breath he blows out. Sirius also blows out a breath, not of relief. He could care less what happens to Lucius. It’s the effect Bellatrix has on people. Sirius hates her guts, he always has. And yet, she has a sort of charm about her, like everyone in their family, that pulls you in despite every cell of your being screaming to get away.
Sirius barely has time to register the flick of her wand before a window is smashed right behind him.
It takes him by surprise, and he jumps back, wand at the ready. James is at his side instantly, also ready with a wand. Meanwhile, Bellatrix hasn’t even glanced their way. She cast the charm without looking, just to unnerve Lucius. It works because he huffs and walks onto the next house. Bellatrix stands, pouting like a disappointed, and bored child.
She turns to face the direction of the window she smashed, right where Sirius is standing. Regardless of knowing that he and James are invisible to her, his breath catches. He stands tense, his grip on his wand so tight he’s surprised it doesn’t snap. Bellatrix lazily waves her wand, and Sirius can hear the shards of glass fall back into the window frame. He doesn’t dare turn around to look.
Sirius didn’t know it was possible, but he tenses up even more when she tilts her head to the side, like a cat. Her eyes squint, and start searching around the spot they stand in. As if she were looking at a puzzle– no, looking for a missing puzzle piece. The missing puzzle piece being Sirius and James.
Shitshitshitshitshitshit–
“Will you stop standing around and help me? We’re to be back at the manor in an hour, and we still have half of this damned, scumblood village to search.” Lucius calls, in the time they’ve been distracted with Bellatrix, he’s managed to reach the end of the road. Bellatrix relaxes, and as if she hadn’t been so focused on them just a second ago, she runs up to Lucius. Her attention back on finding Harry.
The next thing Sirius sees is James whizz past him, running at a speed he’s never seen before. The logical part of Sirius wants to call out, to tell him to wait, that it may not be safe to go back home yet. But just like James, he doesn’t think twice about the danger. Sirius shoots off, matching James’ pace at his side.
He just runs.
Runs, and with every advance he makes with his feet, prays to whatever may be out there that it is only Lucius and Bellatrix who are in Godric’s Hollow today; that Lily and Harry are alive.