Solar Eclipse
Chapter 2: Solar Eclipse
Sirius
Sirius, never in his bloody life, has been this scared of a door opening.
When it finally does it feels as though all the air in his lungs rushes out at once. Seeing James’ face, a little older than before, fills his lungs up with fresher air than he has breathed for months.
James hasn’t changed a bit since Sirius last saw him, not really. Apart from the look in his eyes. The hazel in them shines with the pride of a father and husband; no longer with the spark of a young boy. Oh, and his glasses. They’re the same. The exact same pair. His dark curls are also still as messy as ever, and his face still feels like home to Sirius.
“Sirius,” James whispers, as quietly as one would whisper a secret.
“James,” Sirius says, feeling emotion rising in his throat. A smile creases his cheeks which seems to wake up James, who jolts out of his haze and straightens himself. Sirius notices how James; hand moves to his back, most likely to where he hides his wand. Sirius makes a point to bring his empty hands to the front and keep them in James’ eyesight.
He needs to make sure he doesn't scare him. He won’t get so close to him this easily again if he blows this.
“What are you doing here?” James asks. He gradually starts closing the door as if he were expecting an attack. Before Sirius can think of a response that would fully answer that question the door is nearly shut. He quickly places his hand on it, opening it again. He winces slightly as James flicks out his wand, pointing it straight at him. He shouldn’t have made such a sudden move.
“Wait, please. I’m only here to help-” Sirius starts, the pleading in his voice as obvious as a child hiding tears.
“Well, you’re not. How did you find us?” James spits at him.
The irritation with which James says this to him makes Sirius’ heart drop. All he can think is how much he wants to hug James. Sirius makes the slightest, most subtle movement with his foot, but it's enough. It makes James raise his wand at Sirius. As James holds out his wand, it starts to shake in his slim hand. Sirius’ throat lurches as he realises that James really doesn’t believe him.
He really does think he’s the enemy. A fake. A traitor.
Sirius speaks slowly and clearly: “I found you, because it’s me. Padfoot.”
The tip of the wand pointing at Sirius’ chest is now shooting out sparks.
“Not good enough.”
“We’re animagi. I’m a black dog and you're a stag. Pete was a rat. It’s me, I swear to you, James. I’ll change if you need proof. It’s me. It’s Pads. I swear.” Sirius says as fast as he possibly can. Something must have shown in his eyes, because James steps back and opens the door.
“Fine. You can come in.”
Sirius steps into the cottage. Immediately the warm air (which he presumes is the work of a warming spell) hits him and wraps around him. The corridor is narrow and the ceiling hangs low, the walls are painted a light, warm cream. He listens closely, hoping to hear the laugh of a boy, or the sounds of a child playing with its toys. James must notice it because he says behind him, “He’s not home. Lily went on a walk with him.”
This surprises Sirius, that James would let her go out with their child on their own given the state of things. Again, James must notice his microexpression because he explains, “I don’t like it. I mean her going out on her own—especially with Harry. We’ve fought about it loads of times but,” James sighs. “Lils said that Harry should be able to atleast watch his first halloween. Even if it's from afar. So I let them go. I stayed to hold the wards in place. They’ve been-” James pauses, as though he has realised he was letting on too much.
Sirius hates it. He wants to hear everything. Particularly if there is a problem with the wards. He doesn’t push James about it though, and James doesn’t let on anymore. He waves a hand towards the archway and says, “We can sit in the living room.”
Sirius nods and walks through a low archway into the living room. Maybe he’s tired, or homesick, for his old life with James standing right behind him, but he could swear the room smells just like the Gryffindor common room: candles, embers, and a faint trace of chocolate. The wooden floor is covered by a great patterned rug, candles are lit all over the room, and a great fireplace warms him as he stands in front of it. On top of the fireplace lay picture frames.
Sirius looks back at himself. He is wearing his quidditch uniform with his arm over James' shoulder, who has his broom in his hand. They’re smiling like fucking idiots. Sirius remembers it, the glory they felt after a victory against Slytherin. Next to that sits a picture of Lily, James, and Remus outside under a tree waving at him. Sirius stands there staring at the pictures until James clears his voice and points at his feet.
“Shit, sorry.” Sirius says, as he looks down at the muddy footprints he has left on the rug. He quickly takes his black boots off and sets them aside, using his wand to get rid of the mess he had made.
James sits down on the sofa and looks at him expectedly. Sirius makes his way to the armchair opposite him and sits down, his knee immediately working. His heart is pounding.
Panic grips him as he looks at James’ stone-cold face. Sirius has imagined meeting his brother again so many times, over and over. In his head it has always been the same. He replays it to himself daily. It’s become a way to cope; something to look forward to, to live for.
At first, in that initial moment when they see each other, they always stand in silence just staring. Then the tears fall from Sirius’ eyes and that's the canon that sends them barrelling towards each other. Then they cling onto eachother like a scared child to their parents. They laugh and cry in each other's arms.
In his fantasy, they are over-the-fucking-moon to see each other. And yet, all Sirius can see in those familiar eyes is fear and a distance he’s not used to when it comes to James. They had been as close as ever—no, they still are. He just needs to do a better job of showing he’s still trustworthy. As much as it hurts that he needs to prove it now while it used to be a given.
Despite feeling the pressure of James’ stare Sirius stays silent for a long, few moments. He doesn’t really know how to start. If it were up to him, he would question James on what his life has been like for the past year. He wants to hear every moment he hasn't been there for so much it’s making his stomach churn. Yet, he can tell from the look on James’ face he can’t ask. So he decides he will start off with the brunt of it.
“Regulus is dead. He has been for two years, I only just found out a couple weeks ago.” Sirius doesn’t look up. He can’t stand it. He waits a minute for his throat to clear up before going on. “I hadn’t heard of, or from, him for a while. At first I thought it was just because he—well, you know. He became—but then Kreacher found me. Or I found him, morelike. In some alley in London. He gave me a locket and apparated. I thought it was cursed. Some sick way of my delightful family trying to take me off the chess board but-” Sirius takes out the locket from beneath his shirt. He passes it gently to James who takes it with a cautious hand. It’s an amber jem on a long silver chain with an ‘S’ in the shape of the Slytherin emblem. Sirius finds it ugly. Not that it matters. “Open it.”
James obeys and slips out a small piece of parchment and mumbles the contents under his breath.
Sirius has been reading it everyday, several times a day, for five weeks. He knows it by heart.
It reads:
To the Dark Lord,
I know I will be long dead before you read this but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret. I have stolen the real Horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I can. I face death in the hope that when you meet your match, you will be mortal once more.
R.A.B
“Sirius, I don’t know what this means.” James says, passing back the locket.
“A Horcrux. That locket, it’s a Horcrux. It’s dark, dark, magic and there’s not much about it in any books. At least not in the ones I got my hands on.” Sirius sighs, thinking of a way to put it simply. “A Horcrux is an object in which a witch or a wizard stores, so to speak, their soul. Or a part of it at least.”
“I still don’t—how can you split your soul?”
“I don’t know. It’s fucked.” Sirius takes a breath, finding he lost it somewhere along the way. “James, it’s filthy, dark magic that no one should ever use. But he has. Voldemort has and it makes him unkillable until the Horcrux too is destroyed. For all we know there could be dozens of the bloody things.”
Sirius starts taking a breath to continue when they both stand up and take their wands out in a heartbeat, hearing the door creak open.
James immediately relaxes and puts his wand away when a head of long, red hair pokes around the archway. Lily gasps and rushes inside the warm room, holding Harry.
Sirius doesn’t know who to look at first; and doesn’t know what to do when Lily rushes to him with a small squeal and hugs him as tight as possible while holding Harry. When she pulls away, the tears pooling in her eyes nearly set Sirius off.
Lily’s smile warms him like the comfort of their common room. It grows when she brings his attention to the little boy in her arms. “Harry, do you remember Uncle Pads?”
Sirius’ heart nearly breaks right then, and there.
Instinctively he spreads out his arms, welcoming the boy into them. Feeling the weight of Harry–physical proof he's alive–makes Sirius forget everything for a split second. His cheeks are rosy, nipped by the cold air outside. Harry's head instantly falls into Sirius's shoulder as he starts to fall asleep. Lily’s face, just as his own, is swarmed with love.
The last time he saw Harry he was all but a small, gentle face within the blankets he had been wrapped in. All he had done was sleep, cry and occasionally open his eyes that were almost replicas of his mothers.
Now, he is beginning to grow into a small human. Curls are starting to sprout out of his small head. The lines of his face are loosely molded like James’. Harry is their perfect little light.
Sirius knows he would do anything for him, just like he has known since the day he found out James and Lily were pregnant.
Lily gently takes Harry from Sirius’ arms, whispering to him and James that she’ll be back in a tick, and takes Harry upstairs. She returns a few moments later empty-handed. She sits down next to James and looks nervously to the floor. All the joy that was in her face only moments before has vanished.
“What is it? Is someone dead?” she asks, and he knows that by ‘someone’ she means one of their friends. It makes him angry that his visit to them is immediately connected to someone dying. They shouldn’t have to live like this.
“Well, I don’t know, exactly. I haven't really heard from anyone in a while. Suppose it's too dangerous for anyone to use an owl lately. Last news I got from anyone at all was eight weeks ago.” The uncertainty in his voice seems to unsettle Lily. She looks at Sirius with fear in her eyes, clutching James. Sirius doesn’t feel like repeating that his little brother is dead, but he does it to try and calm her. “It’s um, it’s Regulus. He’s dead,” Sirius says as flatly as he can manage. Lily's face drops. Sirius looks away. His voice remains steady and he carries on. “There's something he left behind that I think might help Harry—help us all, really.”
Hope lights up on Lily's face like wildfire. “What is it?”
“It’s-”
“It’s something we shouldn’t even be considering.” James interrupts. He looks almost angry. Sirius looks him in the eye. They stay that way for a moment before James breaks it off. He turns to Lily and says, “Lily, trust me it’s not worth it. It’s too dangerous.”
“Don’t tell me that something is not worth it when it comes to Harry. He’s worth every risk. James, we are already in danger every second of every day as is. If there’s something that can help him I want to hear it.”
James doesn’t argue and so Sirius repeats what he told James.
“So, we just need to destroy these horcruxes? And then he’s mortal again? Then he can be killed?”
“Just,” James scoffs, but both Lily and Sirius ignore him.
“Technically speaking, yes,” Sirius says.
“James, honey, why are you so against it then? If what Reg-” Lily pauses, her eyes shooting to Sirius with an apology. He doesn't understand why though.
Yes, he might have been a bit emotional sharing the news of Regulus’ death but it doesn’t mean anything. Regulus made himself clear years ago that he didn’t give a fuck about Sirius. Right after he ran away, Sirius had tried—really tried—to somehow glue their relationship back together. At first he tried to be nice. Nice in a way that he had never been to anyone. Even James. To which Regulus responded with a hostility that was not foreign to Sirius, but confusing.
Regulus had never been cruel to him, not even when they would argue as children. They had always been the only ones looking out for one another. When they were little there had been a silent agreement between them that even if they were in a fight, if one of them needed help, the other would be there in a heartbeat. The older they got, the less Regulus started making true on that promise. But even when he had been indifferent to Sirius at Grimmauld, he had never been mean. So when Regulus directed the hostility he normally reserved for others at Sirius… it had fucking hurt.
After that, Sirius had tried being cruel back, hoping that in some fucked up way he would get Regulus’ attention long enough to explain himself and why he had run away. He had also hoped that Regulus would be willing to talk about why they had drifted so much, why Reg had stopped defending Sirius.
He never got the chance. Regulus spent the whole of their fifth year treating Sirius just as badly as their mother did—like dirt on your shoe.
Sirius stopped trying, because every time he saw that cool look in Regulus’ eyes, all he could see was his mother. He damned mother who, to this day, was capable of making him feel shit about himself like no one else.
So, no. Sirius couldn’t give less of a fuck that his brother is dead.
After all, Sirius has been dead as good as dead to Regulus for years now. It makes no difference. Lily can mention Regulus as much as she likes; he didn’t give a toss.
James rips off his glasses and then laughs into his hands. “Because Lily, not only do we not know if they even exist. I mean would you really say that Regulus is—was—trustworthy? It might not even be written by him. This could be anyone's bloody note if they had his handwriting to base off of. And assuming that Regulus decided to be honest and good.” It takes an effort for Sirius not to flinch at that. He knows it’s true. Regulus hadn’t been a good person. Not for years. But James had always tried to shield Sirius from that. Clearly, he isn’t trying to do that anymore. “For one, we don’t know what they are, where they are, or how to destroy them-”
“Well yes, James, I’m not an idiot. But there must be a way to find all that out-”
“NO! I am not throwing all of this under the bus just because he came in here with false hopes.” James slams his hand against the small table between them and stands up. The look on his face is nearly unrecognisable. Honestly, it terrifies Sirius. The room becomes so silent Sirius could swear his ears are ringing. “You should leave. You’ve been here long enough. Anyone could’ve seen you come.”
“James, stop it,” Lily urges with her hand on her husband's arm. Her voice sounds desperate. Sirius lifts his hands in defeat and stands up.
“Look, Prongs, I won’t stay if you don’t want me to. But I promise you both, on Harry's life,” he says, pressing his right hand to his heart so they understand. So James understands. “I wouldn’t have come here and told you any of this if I didn’t believe it was worth a try.”
No one calls after him when he walks out.
————————————
James
James stands still for a moment as he waits for the front door to close. His heart is stuck up his throat, almost choking him. He can’t tell why.
There is a part of him, the boy with a big heart and even bigger hopes for his future; the boy that spent nearly every second of everyday causing a racket at Hogwarts that is bursting with happiness that Pads has come to visit him after a year of silence. Since James and Sirius met on the Hogwarts Express in 1971 they haven’t gone longer than a couple weeks without each other. James used to think that Sirius being gone for the christmas or summer holidays at Grimmauld Place was torture. It had been, truth be told.
Even with Pete around, he had always felt empty without Sirius. What had always made it worse was that James never quite knew how Sirius was holding up at home. Home. The word nearly made him laugh.
That place Sirius had been taught to call home was no better than a cell in Azkaban to James. Grimmauld, and everyone in it would always strip Sirius to scraps. After every holiday, or visit back home during school Sirius would come back… hollow, like a doll emptied of its stuffing. Sirius always tried to hide it of course. But James could tell. He could tell when Sirius was pretending to be okay; when his charm became a suit of armour instead of a decoration.
James loves Sirius more than himself. Although James had always been a happy child, and the happy friend, he had never felt true joy till he met Sirius. They have always been each other's stars; always lighting up the darkness for each other. So when Dumbledore had told them that the best, and only way, to keep Harry and Lily safe was to disappear completely it broke James’ heart.
It all happened so quickly. James and Lily found out they were marked for death. Then people started missing more rapidly than before. Within weeks, James and Lily had gone from living within walking distance to Sirius’ and Remus’, to being completely alone and stranded in a small village called Godric's Hollow.
Dumbledore had charmed their cottage to be invisible and untraceable; even to their neighbours. The last thing Dumbledore said to James, who was holding tiny baby Harry, and Lily who looked as terrified as James felt was: Speak to no one, trust no one. I will come for you when the time is right, and then apparated.
Dumbledore has not come since then, hasn’t sent an owl, or a message via patronus. Nothing. Absolute fuck all. He left them there, scared and alone. Sometimes, James wondered if when Dumbledore had said trust no one, if he was including himself in that statement.
If James is being honest, he doesn’t trust the whole arrangement. He doesn’t trust how quickly Dumbledore arranged it. Despite his mistrust, James can’t deny that Dumbledores ‘plan’ has kept them alive. So, he sticks to it. Everyday. It was bearable until the wards started to break down. Lily and James agreed that it is best if atleast one of them is home at all times to keep them up. Most of the time this means neither of them leave the house. It drives them both equally insane.
They miss their freedom, magic, people, fresh air, life, but most of all their friends. The night they went into hiding James and Lily had been on their way to Pads and Moonys flat for dinner. They never even reached the door. Dumbledore had apparated in front of them and ordered them to follow. Not knowing that they would never go back, they obeyed.
They never even got to say goodbye.
It’s this that kills James the most, and because of it James realised that he isn’t immune to every negative experience. A life without friends broke him. He knows he’s not the same as before which only makes him angrier. Still, for some reason, he can’t bring himself to be as full of light as he used to be. James tells himself that if he wants to keep his family alive he needs to be realistic. All those years hoping—no–expecting a happy future for himself did him no good. In his opinion, James has simply grown up.
Still, sometimes James hears his younger self screaming at him to get it together and stop moping around. He can hear him now, but this time he isn’t screaming at him. He’s crying.
Why didn’t you hug him?
Why didn’t you smile at him?
Why did you make your brother leave instead of telling him how much you missed, how much you love him?
James doesn’t know. He wanted to do all of those when he saw Sirius. He doesn't understand why he didn’t. It’s too late now. Sirius’ plan is stupid and dangerous anyway. The likelihood of them coming out of it alive is close to none.
That’s the problem. That’s why his heart feels like it’s about to spill out of his mouth. Fall onto the carpet, and stain it with blood. Till James is standing in a pool of it, unable to move, because he doesn’t have his heart anymore.
It’s because as much as that childish part of him ignited for the first time in weeks when he saw Sirius, his older self saw danger.
Sirius was a hazard. An unknown. A gamble.
James trusts him. He does.
He just doesn't trust himself. He’s not sure if his trust in Sirius is rational, or sentimental.
He hates himself for thinking both.
But you love him, James. He’s your brother. How could you ever betray him by thinking that?
For a moment, James thinks he might throw up.
It’s the sound of the door closing that wakes him from his trance. Only then does he turn to Lily, and frown when he sees her staring at him with fire that only Lily Evans Potter possessed.
It used to scare him a bit actually. Not that he’d ever admit it to her, but he knows that she knows it. She is so smart it drives him near to insanity sometimes.
Lily is the reason he is still James Potter. Her fire and wit keeps him going. He bloody adores it.
“What?” James asks, genuinely confused. Lily scoffs and stalks off into the kitchen, plunging her hands into the sink full of dishes.
James steps forward to follow his wife when he hears a soft plunk behind him. He turns around to the fireplace where the sound came from. He could have sworn it sounded like magic; almost like something very, very small apparating.
He stares at the empty floorboards for a moment before remembering that Lily is pissed at him.
Right.
James walks up to her so that he stands at her back. James is genuinely confused as to why Lily is angry at him. There have been times, plenty of them, too much to count, where James wanted to break Dumbledore's stupid rules and send a quick note to Sirius. Lily has always talked him out of it. She is always the one repeating that if they broke one rule, they’d never stop, and that it would piss her off if they died because of a bloody note. Lily is always the first to follow rules so why is she pissed off now?
He waits for her to explain until he can’t take it anymore. “Lils, what is it? Why are you angry at me-”
Lily spins around so fast that a drop of soapy water hits his cheek. He doesn’t dare wipe it.
“I’m not angry, James. I just-” She takes a breath and looks up at James with a twinge of what he thinks is sadness in her eyes. “Sirius didn’t come here without a reason, honey. He wouldn’t’ve come if he wasn’t sure-”
“This is not up for negotiation Lily.” James says, with a steady force to his voice. It makes Lily's eyebrows shoot up in outrage. Still, James ploughs on, “I am not risking yours or Harry's life on some rumour.” James says this with such disdain it makes him look almost cold.
“You do realise this is my life too? You’re not the only one who gets to make decisions about this.”
“Of course I do. I do,” James emphasises when Lily looks at him sceptically. “But, like I said it’s a just fucking rumour-”
“What if it’s not a rumour? What if it’s true? What if this is the way to put an end to all of this?”
“It’s not worth the risk, Lily.”
Lily blows up. She throws her arms around so suddenly James takes a step back. Her beautiful green eyes fill with tears. “What is not worth the risk? This life? Is this the life you wanted for your child? Or for yourself even?” Her voice breaks but she doesn’t stop, she keeps talking, unashamed of her crack. “Because it’s definitely not the life I wanted for my child or for myself. My child was supposed to grow up safe, with a family that goes beyond who lives within his home; with people he could trust. My child was supposed to grow up with magic in his life, not fear. We shouldn’t have to keep our friends, who are willing to die for us and we for them, out of our lives. James, we are so lucky to be alive. For Harry to be alive. I know that. What d’you think I don’t know? That I should be grateful that we have made it this far when so many have died? I know it, James. It’s what I tell myself everytime I think I’ll go crazy going another day without seeing another human being or even being able to just send someone a stupid, bloody owl. I know. It’s still not good enough though. We owe him more than just keeping him alive. We should be doing everything we can to give him what we had as children; more than that.”
James stands there stunned. Of course he wants a better life for Harry. He knows that a world of hiding, lies and fear is no world to raise a child in.
Things aren’t changing anytime soon, Voldemort grows stronger by the day. As much as James hates how easily the Dark Lord seemed to acquire his followers, he can’t say he’s surprised. The reason behind it is simple enough: people are scared. Even he has to admit, it would be a whole lot easier to just give in and join him. Which is why so many people are doing exactly that. The deaths are motivation enough. The constant fear for your, and your loved ones lives is enough. It shows as The Daily Prophet prints a new list of surnames everyday. When the radio never ceases to chant the names of the dead and missing as if there is no end.
“Yeah, I know we should be,” James sighs. “But, love, he’s safe here with us. I don’t trust anyone else with him. I mean, let's say we go, who stays with Harry?”
“We take him with us,” Lily replies, her face solemn.
“You must be joking,” James sputters.
“James, we don’t know how long finding these horcruxes will take. It could very well take years. Even if we keep him locked up here with someone we trust, do you really think that these measly walls will be able to keep him in?”
Lily is right. Harry won’t always be a baby. James knows that if his son grows up to be anything like himself he will grow tired of having to hide and be careful one day. That all this effort and sacrifice to keep him in one piece in the house will be put on the line because of his stupid teenage tendencies towards rebellion and disobedience.
Still, he has promised to keep his family safe, and that promise left no space for whatever Sirius has in mind.
Wasn’t it better to be alive rather than dead chasing a fool's dream?
“I know that all of this has changed everyone and that we’re not kids anymore but I also know that Prongs would have done anything, given up anything for his friends and family.” James takes a breath at this, looking down at his feet. His heart takes him back to those castle walls. He feels as though he has just been caught leaving dung bombs in the Prefect's bathrooms before they had the chance to set them off with Sirius. He can feel that old feeling of disappointment and shame that a prank hasn’t worked out. It’s silly that that’s what he is thinking about right now. He can’t help it though. Lily must notice because she continues with a gentler voice, “You know, James, this isn’t just about us. If Sirius is right, if by some fucking miracle fate is on our side…” Lily takes a minute. She stares at James' chest and keeps staring at it when she speaks again. “We could change the lives of hundreds. Not just ours.”
James takes a deep breath, thinking. He watches as his beautiful, wondrous and bloody brave wife puts her hand under his cheek and brings his face to hers. She kisses him softly.
James wishes they could stay like that forever.
"Don't give up hope, James Potter." She speaks the words so tenderly he feels them seep into his heart. She pulls away and turns to carry on with the dishes. Though not before she stands grinning at him as she wipes the soap off his cheek.
She’s so Gryffindor it puts me to shame, James thinks to himself, his chest warm in a way it hasn’t been in a while. Warm with hope.
James doesn’t know what to say to that, so he doesn’t. He just walks out the door and runs after Sirius.