Marlene took a deep breath. Her head was fuzzy from the two tequila shots she took ten minutes ago and the joint she split with Remus. She had to focus on her feet as she walked across the living room, weaving in and out of party guests, most of whom she did not recognize. She was looking for her favorite face, one that had a wide smile and sparkling eyes and delicate eyebrows and a killer septum piercing decorating a near-perfect nose.
There she is.
Dorcas was standing in a circle with their group, a cigarette hanging loosely from her slender fingers. God, she was stunning. Marlene had a hard time comprehending Dorcas sometimes. How could someone have a perfect personality AND perfect looks? Marlene didn’t actually care about the answer. All the wanted right now was to be as close as possible to her.
The music felt like it was throwing her off balance with how loud it was. The dim lighting also made it difficult for her to make her way to her friends, who were slouching against the railing of the back porch. Dorcas was sharing a cigarette and chatting with James and Mary, while Sirius, Remus, Lilly, and Peter were debating the virtues of chicken noodle soup.
“It’s too noodley,” Remus insisted.
“Absolutely not, I refuse to accept ‘noodley’ as a word. Your comments have been struck from the record,” Sirius huffed.
“Well I like all the noodles,” Peter said as Marlene walked up. Lily nodded fiercely in agreement.
“Jesus, it’s fucking cold,” Marlene slurred, immediately hugging Remus’ waist and plastering them together in an effort not to be frigid.
“Hiya, darling.” He put an arm around her shoulders and rubbed her back. Marlene loved Remus. He was one of her favorite people. They had been friends since they were 13 and Marlene’s family moved in next door.
“Oi, Marls, are you trying to steal my boyfriend?” Sirius raised his eyebrows in feigned concern. Marlene stuck her tongue out at him.
“He was my boyfriend first, Black,” she teased back. It was true. Marlene and Remus had dated as teenagers. Then, they both came out and they stayed absolute best friends.
“Hush hush. There’s plenty of me to go around.” Remus opened his arms good-naturedly and smiled so big it looked like his face was pulling at the seams. Sirius immediately latched onto his boyfriend and they began kissing sloppily.
“Here, Marlene, come over here and let those two be gross together.” Dorcas smiled and motioned for Marlene to join her. Marlene’s stomach flipped and she smiled back, wobbling over to one of her favorite people. Her foot caught on an uneven board, and she flew forward. For a moment, she thought she was going to hit the ground. Instead, the cigarette Dorcas had been smoking was dropped onto the porch and she caught Marlene. They both stumbled back a few steps and when Marlene looked up, they were only inches apart and Dorcas was gripping her shoulders, keeping her upright.
“Thanks,” Marlene breathed, suddenly very very sober.
Dorcas gave a small smile and gently pushed Marlene back into the circle of friends, who were dying with laughter over Marlene’s klutziness.
Dorcas was scary for Marlene. They had been friends for the last year. Other than Remus, Marlene had never felt so connected to another human being. She understood Marlene on a level that was hard to comprehend. And it was reversed, too. Marlene knew everything about Dorcas, even without her telling her. Everything Marlene learned about Dorcas just made sense.
They were definitely not the same. Dorcas was funny and sassy and talkative and just seeped in the love that other people had for her. Marlene was witty and quiet and loyal. She grasped onto love, holding it tight and panicking when it threatened to disappear. Dorcas took people loving her for granted. Marlene found love where she could. And most importantly, Dorcas was a gentle storm, one that you didn’t know was deadly until it was too late… and it was definitely too late for Marlene. She had been drawn in, and escape would be a feat worthy of mythology.
She hadn’t always been such a mess. There was a time when she went on dates with girls she met at bars and flirted with strangers. She used to have casual sex and enjoy it. She didn’t know why or when, but one day, Dorcas had fallen asleep on her lap and ever since then, Marlene was completely obsessed.
Marlene had lost Dorcas again. That girl was a goddamn social butterfly and honestly, Marlene had a hard time keeping up. She liked her people, and that was it. It was exactly how she liked it.
This crowd was ridiculous. People jostled her and stepped on her toes and Jesus Christ how big was this house?? She felt like she was swimming upstream, but she was single-minded in her purpose. She had to find Dorcas. She didn’t know why, but she needed her like water. Too long without her and Marlene went mad.
Finally, in a bedroom on the second floor, Marlene saw Dorcas’ silhouette on the balcony, another cigarette lit. She walked out to join her friend and leaned back against the railing, facing the inside of the room.
“Those will kill you,” Marlene joked. They all smoked like rockstars who just found out they were dying. It was a running gag to point out the dangers of smoking, as if any of them cared.
“Good,” Dorcas smiled back, wickedly. She handed Marlene the cig. Marlene took a pull, exhaled in Dorcas’ face with a smirk, and handed it back.
“I’d be distraught if you died, just so you know.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah it is.” Marlene knew she was being intense. She was too high and drunk to care, though.
Time passed in silence, the two women passing the cigarette back and forth until it was done. Dorcas snuffed it out and tossed it off the balcony. Marlene snorted.
“I cannot believe you just littered.”
“Eh, it’ll get picked up tomorrow. God knows how many maids this place has.” The house they were at was a large home in the countryside outside of Oxford, where they all went to school. Someone in Peter’s college had announced they were throwing a massive New Year’s Eve party and they had all decided to go with the goal of getting as fucked up as possible. Dorcas however, seemed sober.
“It’s almost midnight, you know.” Marlene couldn’t stop looking at Dorcas.
“I do know.”
“I don’t think I’ve seen you have a single drink, Dorcas.”
“I’m driving everyone back, remember?”
Marlene smacked her forehead and Dorcas laughed.
“Sorry, I’m definitely a little tooooooooo drunk.”
“You’re fine, babe, that’s what I’m here for,” Dorcas was definitely teasing her, but Marlene died a little inside. Babe.
More silence. Marlene glanced down at her watch. 11:57 p.m.
“It’s almost midnight.”
“Goodbye 2023.”
“Are you going to go downstairs with everyone else?”
“No, I’m going to stay up here, I think.”
“Can I stay with you?”
Dorcas smiled, warmth lighting up her face. “Yes, of course.”
Marlene put her head on Dorcas’ shoulder and sighed.
“Can I tell you something?” This was definitely a bad idea. She was definitely too messed up for this. It was not going to end well. Every warning bell in Marlene’s head was going off. But Dorcas had on red lipstick and there was nothing that Marlene needed more than that lipstick all over her own face. Besides, if it went poorly, Marlene would either jump off the balcony or retreat downstairs with the rest of her friends.
“Go for it,” Dorcas said as she looked out over the expansive yard.
Marlene took a breath. “I really want to kiss you at midnight.”
Dorcas froze and her gaze shifted from the view to Marlene in an instant. There was silence as they just looked at each other. Between the muffled bass shaking the whole house and Marlene’s head being filled with white noise, it took Dorcas touching her arm to bring her back to the moment. Everyone started counting down.
10!
9!
“You really want to kiss me? You’re not just drunk?”
“I want to. I’ve wanted to for a long time,” Marlene breathed.
5!
4!
3!
“Okay,” Dorcas nodded.
2!
1!
Marlene didn’t say anything, just moved forward until suddenly she couldn’t anymore. She was stopped by Dorcas and her perfect lips.
Oh. My. God.
It was immediately magical. Dorcas started kissing her back and the white noise was back. The only thing that existed was them. Dorcas cupped her face and Marlene wrapped her arms around her waist, pulling her impossibly close and slightly lifting her onto her toes. Somehow, Marlene registered that there were fireworks going off and people cheering, but she was in her own world. She didn’t need fireworks in the sky, there were fireworks going off on her lips.
It was a short kiss, but Marlene was out of breath, possibly from adrenaline, but most likely from the way that Dorcas had just absolutely devoured her. Dorcas was looking at her with big eyes, also breathing heavily. She looked as if she had just had a revelation. Marlene just stood there, nervously biting her thumb nail. Seconds passed and Dorcas still had not said anything. Marlene’s anxiety was doubling every moment, exponentially stressing her out. She looked down from the balcony at the gravel below. It wasn’t far enough to kill her so jumping wasn’t an option. She eyed the bedroom door and hallway that led downstairs to an escape.
Before Marlene could make a decision about what to do, Dorcas kissed her again.
This kiss was slow and purposeful. It had none of the desperation from Marlene and none of the surprise from Dorcas. It was Dorcas making sure that this wasn’t a fluke. It was Marlene savoring every possible second, not knowing if she would get more. It was both of them learning new things about each other. Dorcas learned that a nibble on Marlene’s bottom lip made her sigh. Marlene learned that Dorcas loved to have fingers in her hair, pulling gently.
Dorcas pulled away, eyes closed. She took a few deep slow breaths and then looked directly into Marlene’s eyes.
“Can we please talk about this tomorrow? You’re a little too drunk for a big conversation.”
Marlene gulped. “A big conversation?”
Dorcas gave her a soft smile. “Nothing bad, babe. I just want to talk about what this is.” She placed a gentle, lingering kiss on Marlene’s cheek. “We should go back downstairs.”
She took Marlene’s hand and started to pull her toward the door. Marlene stopped her and pulled her back, “This is something, right?”
“Yeah,” Dorcas breathed, “It’s something.” She smiled and stroked her thumb over Marlene’s.
“I just want you, however you want to do that.” Marlene refused to let them go back to just friends. She had waited too long and been lonely too much. Dorcas was her forever, she just needed to realize it. Dorcas reached up and licked her finger, then started wiping Marlene’s face. It was then that Marlene realized that she had Dorcas’ red lipstick all over her face. She watched Dorcas do her work and then decide Marlene’s face was satisfactorily cleaned up.
“Okay, babe. We’ll talk tomorrow, after you feel better.” Hand in hand, they began the journey downstairs, made more difficult by Marlene’s inability to walk in a straight line, not to mention down a flight of stairs.
“After I feel better?”
“You’re obviously going to be hungover, babe.”
“Oh yeah… right.”
The stairs were successfully descended, and they were immediately mobbed by their friends with loud questions of where they had been. Marlene immediately grabbed Remus’ sweater and dragged him to a corner.
“What’s going on??” He asked, seeing the frenetic energy in Marlene’s eyes. She grinned and gripped his arm, to impress on him how important this was.
“I kissed Dorcas.”
“OH MY GOD.”
Everyone in the room turned to look at them. They both froze and Marlene saw Dorcas try to hide an affectionate smile. Marlene grinned back and told everyone to mind their own business.
“And then she kissed me.”
Whispered this time, “Oh my GOD.”
“And we’re going to talk tomorrow.”
“Marlene!”
“And she’s probably the love of my life.”
“MarLENE!” Remus gave her a tight hug and kissed the top of her head. “I’m over the moon for you, darling.”
“Thanks,” she said into his sweater.
The rest of the night passed in a blur. Marlene vaguely remembered dancing with Sirius and Dorcas to some throwback song from the 80s and throwing back a few more shots with Remus. After that, complete black.