failed attempts
The carriage lurches forward, the rhythmic clatter of hooves against the gravel filling the silence. I lean back against the seat, my mind still racing. Jude sits beside me, her arms crossed over her chest, her jaw still tight with anger. Taryn is quiet, her hands folded neatly in her lap, her gaze fixed on the floor.
“What did he want?”
Jude asks finally, her voice low and tense.
I shake my head, not sure how to answer.
“I don’t know” I say honestly. “He just... wanted to talk I guess”
Jude snorts, her expression darkening.
“Cardan doesn’t just talk” she says.
“He’s always planning something. You need to be careful around him.”
I nod, but her words only make the knot in my stomach tighten. I know Jude’s right, I also sensed the danger while being with him.
Talia watches me carefully, her gaze thoughtful.
“He’s not like he seems” she says quietly.
“And how different could he be?” I ask
Talia hesitates, as if choosing her words carefully.
“He’s more complicated than he lets on” she says finally.
“That doesn’t make him any less dangerous. You still have to be careful around him, like Jude said”
I turn to look out the window, the fog-shrouded landscape passing by in a blur. The weight of the night settles over me, heavy and suffocating.
Once we get home, Talia bids us bye and heads up to her room, muttering something about needing to finish packing since she has to leave at dawn. Taryn, Jude, and I linger in the kitchen, grabbing whatever food we can find before heading up to my room. The night has been long, and exhaustion is finally settling in.
“I don’t know about you, but I’m really tired”
Jude says, undoing the elaborate horned hairstyle she had meticulously arranged earlier in the evening. Her fingers work quickly through the strands, shaking them loose, and I watch as the carefully sculpted look falls apart into wild curls.
“Same”
I reply, sighing as I kick off my shoes. My feet ache, and I stretch them out with a groan.
“How can you be tired already?”
Taryn asks, plopping down onto my bed, still in her dress. Without hesitation, she starts undoing the laces of her bodice, pulling it over her head to reveal the soft linen shift beneath.
“Maybe not for you, Taryn, but for me, this is a night I’d rather forget”
I say, tossing her one of my nightgowns so she can change into something more comfortable.
“Are you really not the least bit excited about what happened tonight?”
she asks, slipping into the nightgown with an expectant look.
“And why should she be?”
Jude cuts in, pulling one of my nightgowns over her own head before flopping onto the bed beside her sister.
“Because of that prick, she’s going to be targeted by everyone now.”
Jude is right. If there was ever a time to be cautious, it’s now. The attention on me has doubled, and none of it is the good kind. But it's also my fault.
“How do you plan to handle it?”
Taryn asks, hugging a pillow as she lies back, her eyes watching me carefully.
“By not handling it”
I admit, turning to my vanity mirror. As I pull out the last of the silver pins from my hair, a few loose strands fall messily over my shoulder. I think about my encounter with Cardan, the smug way he’d smiled at me, the strange tension between us that I can’t quite define. I shake my head, pushing the thoughts away.
“Besides, there aren’t any activities for the next few days, and no parties either. I could just… not show up”
I continue, brushing through the tangles in my hair.
“You might have preparations though”
Taryn reminds me, sitting up.
“You might not care, but you have a partner now. You'll have dance rehearsals, dress fittings—”
“I already told you, I’m not going” I interrupt her.
“And what excuse are you going to use?”
Jude asks, raising an eyebrow as she rests her chin on her palm.
“Everyone saw you two”
I turn around to face them and smirk.
“I’m a weak, fragile human” I say, my tone dripping with mockery.
”who still doesn’t know how to live in this cruel world. I’ll come down with some mysterious human illness that’ll keep me bedridden. I don’t know, fever, exhaustion, something suitably dramatic.”
“I don’t think Kiki and Joaalk will buy that” Taryn points out.
“They might just call a healer, and then they’ll figure out you’re pretending.”
I place a hand over my heart and feign offense.
“Taryn, you wound me. I’m really good at feigning”
“Oh yeah?” Jude challenges. “Prove it.”
I don’t hesitate. With a gasp, I let the last silver pin in my hand slip through my fingers, letting it clatter to the floor. Then, dramatically, I clutch my chest and stagger backward, as if my strength has suddenly failed me.
“Oh!”
I exclaim, my voice trembling. I fall onto the floor in a heap, letting out a series of weak, pitiful coughs, my breaths coming shallow as if I’m barely holding on.
Jude bursts into laughter.
“Okay, okay! I believe you!”
she says between giggles.
“You should be an actress”
Taryn says, shaking her head in amusement.
I sit up, brushing myself off
“Thank you, thank you” I say, bowing my head in mock humility.
“That’s how I managed to skip all the summer get-togethers.”
“We tried that so many times, but Madoc never believes us”
Taryn says with a defeated sigh.
“Madoc’s too sharp for his own good”
Jude says, still chuckling.
“But Kiki and Joaalk might actually fall for it. They’re too soft on you.”
I grin, feeling a flicker of hope.
“I’ll just have to make it convincing.”
Taryn yawns, stretching out on the bed.
“Well, whatever you do, just don’t get caught.”
“Don’t worry”
I say, standing up and grabbing my nightgown.
“I’m a professional.”
Jude rolls her eyes, but she’s still smiling.
“Just don’t overdo it. We don’t need you faking your own death or something.”
I laugh, pulling the nightgown over my head.
“Why not? That was going to be my next step”
Jude throws a pillow at me, and I catch it just in time.
“You’re impossible.”
“Thank you”
I flash her a grin before crawling onto the bed beside them.
As we settle into bed, the three of us squeezed together like we used to when we were kids, I feel a sense of calm wash over me. The night had been a disaster, but at least I have them. For a few moments, we’re just three girls, tired but comfortable, laughing and teasing in the dim candlelight.
I wake up to the sound of furniture being moved downstairs, the scraping of heavy wood against the floors echoing through the house.
"Taryn, the blanket"
I hear Jude grumbling in the darkness of my room. Taryn responds with an incoherent noise, half-asleep and unwilling to cooperate. I hear them shifting beside me, and I turn onto my side, trying to bury myself deeper into the warmth of the covers.
More noises downstairs. Voices. Indistinct but active. Whoever they are, they seem too awake for this hour. They are bothering me. I just want to sleep.
Taryn huffs in frustration after yet another loud clatter. Then I hear the door creak open, followed by footsteps, and suddenly, light spills into the room. The warm glow of the sun pierces through my eyelids.
Taryn groans. I do the same, burying my face into the pillow.
"The lady has given orders to get ready.”
Gia's voice rings through the room as she begins gathering up the mess we left behind from last night.
“There will be guests as soon as it gets dark.”
I groan, pressing more my face into the pillow. Taryn makes another noise of protest, and Jude mutters something under her breath that sounds distinctly unkind.
"Get up"
she orders, and before I can protest again, she yanks the blanket off us. The cold air hits me like a slap, making me shudder.
I blink my eyes open with difficulty, and there she is—Gia, standing in front of me, holding a dress—pastel pink, with delicate lace trim. She smiles, but there’s a firmness in her expression.
"Don’t make me repeat myself, dear."
I huff and push myself up from the bed, my gaze drifting toward the window. The sky is golden-orange, the sun just beginning its descent. What time is it? Four in the afternoon? It’s still so early.
"What’s happening?"
Jude groans as she sits up, her voice thick with sleep and her dark hair a wild tangle around her face.
Gia drapes the dress over a chair and heads toward my desk, picking through my collection of clips. Like a body without a soul, I drag myself out of bed and stumble toward the bathroom, hoping that splashing cold water on my face will bring me back to life.
When I return, my room has transformed into a whirlwind of activity. Ribbons, shoes, pins, makeup—every surface is covered in fabrics and accessories. Maids scurry in and out, bringing more and more items.
I stand frozen in the doorway, staring in disbelief.
"Do you have a senator coming to visit?"
Jude asks sarcastically, now fully awake and perched at the edge of the bed.
"You have so many beautiful clothes"
Taryn murmurs, rubbing her eyes as she examines the growing pile of dresses.
"Do you choose them yourself?"
“Yeah” I say, still trying to make sense of the scene before me.
“I don’t like being told what to wear.”
Another pair of shoes enters the room. I throw my hands up.
"Oh seriously. What the—?"
I reach out to stop Gia as she moves to leave again.
"What is going on?"
Her feline-like eyes meet mine.
"The lady said to pick your most beautiful dress—but also a comfortable one."
Confusion washes over me.
“And why on earth?”
Gia simply shrugs.
"I don’t dare question the lady’s orders. Now choose quickly so we can do your hair."
She slips out of my grasp and disappears into the hallway, leaving me standing there, dumbfounded. I turn to Jude and Taryn, who are watching me with matching expressions of surprise.
"Maybe you have relatives coming to visit?" Taryn suggests, flipping through my dresses.
"This one is adorable, by the way."
she holds up a green gown with white and gold embroidery.
"No one ever visits us out of nowhere"
I say, shaking my head. What could possibly warrant this level of chaos?
We start throwing out wild guesses, debating the cause of all this commotion. But before we can settle on an answer, Kiki strides into the room.
She takes one look at us and scoffs.
"Are you still in bed?"
She’s a vision of grace and elegance, her hair perfectly coiffed and her gown immaculate. It’s hard to believe she’s the same woman who was swaying drunkenly just hours ago.
I sigh, exasperated.
"Could you kindly explain to me why I was woken up so suddenly, mom?"
She raises an eyebrow as if I’ve asked something ridiculous.
"What kind of question is that? It’s the first day of courting, dear. Or did you forget?"
My mind stalls.
"Courting?"
I repeat blankly, searching Jude and Taryn’s faces for help. But instead of answering, they both look at me with wide, warning eyes. Jude mouths something, her lips moving silently, but I can’t make out the words.
"Do you like this one?"
Kiki asks, holding up a pastel yellow dress.
"No, not really"
I answer quickly, too focused on Jude, who keeps repeating something silently. She mouths something again, and this time, I think I catch the shape of the words: "Gada sis loming..?" That makes no sense.
"And this one?"
Kiki continues, now holding up the pink dress Gia had earlier.
"Yes, yes, that’s fine"
I say absentmindedly, waving her off as I desperately try to decode Jude’s silent message.
Now I catch her saying: “Garan”. I still don't understand.
Then, Taryn, clearly fed up, blurts out,
"Cardan!"
I go pale.
Kiki turns to us.
"Yes, exactly."
Everything clicks at once.
The first day of courting.
Yesterday, the pairs for the Spring Dance were chosen. That means the traditional courting period for the couples has officially begun.
I vaguely remember Talia doing it with her partner when we were younger. The first day of courting is an old tradition where the girl is supposed to visit her chosen partner at his home, offering formal greetings and spending time doing activities together—often even beginning dance rehearsals. But over the years, this custom has faded, becoming more symbolic than anything else.
Courting now simply refers to the period between the pairings and the actual spring ball event, a time where couples can choose to engage in rehearsals and outings, but it’s not strictly required.
"Is he coming here?"
I ask, still trying to process.
Kiki turns.
"Yes, he has been so polite, that young boy. Initially we didn't think of having you do the traditional courting, but he came to talk to us after you left last night. And he himself suggested it to us, and told us that there was no need for you to go to him. What a lovely prince, you should be honored, really."
"He was the one who suggested it?" Jude asks incredulous
"Yes, he seemed pretty enthusiastic about it too. We didn't expect that either, honestly" Kiki replies.
This morning, I thought I had time to figure out a loophole. But now, in just a few hours, Cardan will be here.
I glance at Jude and Taryn, my eyes wide with desperation.
Feeling honored?
I feel sick.
Sick? Wait.
This is it—the only way out. I give them a subtle nod, a silent signal, and then I collapse onto the bed, clutching my stomach and letting out a low groan of pain.
“Lili!”
Jude screams, her voice laced with genuine fear. She’s a better actress than I gave her credit for.
“Oh no!”
Taryn gasps, bringing her hands to her mouth, her eyes wide with feigned shock.
Kiki whirls around, the dress she was holding slipping from her fingers and pooling on the floor.
“What’s going on?”
she demands, her voice sharp with alarm. When she sees me writhing on the bed, her face pales, and she rushes to my side.
“Honey, what’s wrong?”
I groan again, louder this time, and clutch my stomach tighter. I can’t speak—not because I’m in pain, but because I’m afraid if I open my mouth, I’ll burst out laughing. Kiki’s hands flutter over me, her touch frantic but gentle.
“Maybe she ate something... bad”
Taryn suggests, her voice trembling with just the right amount of worry.
“What?”
Kiki’s head snaps up, her eyes wide with panic.
“What did you see her eat?”
“I don’t know…” Jude says, her voice hesitant.
“I think I saw her with some polobaccas last night.”
Kiki’s face goes from purple to white.
“Oh, but that’s terrible! Why didn’t you stop her? This could kill her!”
Her hands are shaking as she cups my face, her eyes searching mine for answers I can’t give.
“Lili, can you hear me? Say something!”
I let out another groan, my eyes fluttering shut. Kiki gently lays me back on the bed, her breath coming in short, panicked gasps.
“Joaalk!” she calls, her voice sharp and urgent.
“Joaalk, come quickly!”
She rushes out of the room, her footsteps echoing down the hallway. The moment she’s gone, I crack one eye open, scanning the room to make sure the coast is clear. Taryn is biting her lip to keep from laughing, and Jude looks equal parts amused and annoyed.
“I have to tell you”
Jude says, her voice dry,
“your ability to read lips is really awful.”
"Or maybe you're just bad at enunciating"
I shoot back, though I know she’s right.
Jude crosses her arms.
“He proposed it himself, Lili” she says, changing topic, her tone sharp.
“I told you he was up to something. Cardan is dangerous, he never does anything by chance.”
“Maybe he’s interested in you”
Taryn suggests, her voice teasing. She’s always been the romantic one, but this is pushing it...
I think back to last night—Cardan’s fingers brushing my hair, his dark eyes studying me. Even if he is interested, it’s not for the reasons Taryn thinks.
“Please, how could he be interested in me”
I say, my voice firm.
“He's a prince.”
Taryn is about to reply when we hear footsteps approaching, heavy and hurried. I collapse back onto the bed, resuming my role as the poor, weak girl. Joaalk bursts into the room, his expression grim, with Kiki close behind.
He approaches and places a hand on my forehead.
"No fever—that’s a good sign" he says, reassuring Kiki.
“You said you saw her eating poloberries?”
he asks, turning to Jude and Taryn. They nod in unison, their faces the picture of innocence.
“The only way is to make her throw up”
He says, his tone matter-of-fact.
I stiffen. This was not part of the plan. I quickly glance at Jude, my eyes wide with panic.
“Huh? Why?” Taryn says, her voice rising in pitch.
“Maybe she just needs to rest.”
"If she ate them last night, it might already be too late. We have to act now"
Joaalk says, his voice firm. He lifts me slightly, propping me up against the pillows.
“The only way is this one.”
he then turns to Kiki
"My dear, tell one of the maids to bring a basin"
No. No, no, no. This is not good. I can’t actually throw up on command. My mind races, trying to think of a way out of this mess.
“I… I think I’m feeling better”
I say weakly, clutching my stomach.
Joaalk frowns, his hand still on my shoulder.
“You need to get it out of your system, Lili. It’s the only way.”
“No, really” I say, sitting up straighter.
“I think it’s passing. I just need to… go to the bathroom.”
Joaalk hesitates, but Kiki nods, her face pale with worry.
“Let her try” she says, her voice trembling.
“Maybe it’s not as bad as we thought.”
I scramble off the bed, my legs shaky, and hurry to the bathroom. Once inside, I splash cold water on my face and take a few deep breaths, trying to steady my nerves. When I come back out, I force a weak smile.
“I think I’m okay” I say, my voice soft.
“It must have been something else.”
Kiki rushes to my side, her hands fluttering over me like a nervous bird.
“Are you sure, honey? You gave us such a scare.”
“I’m sure” I say, forcing another smile.
“I just need to rest for a bit.”
Joaalk studies me for a moment, his expression unreadable, but he finally nods.
“Alright. But if you feel worse, you tell us immediately.”
“I will”
I promise, my voice sweet and innocent.
As Kiki and Joaalk leave the room, their voices low with concern, I turn to Jude, my eyes narrowing.
“I now understand why your plans never work out.”
I say, my voice sharp.
After my brilliant failure to avoid this meeting, here I am, dressed to the nines for the prince’s arrival.
The pink dress chose clings to me in all the right places, the delicate lace trim catching the candlelight as I move. My hair is swept into a semi-updo, with a few loose curls framing my face. Rowan berries strung into a necklace rest against my collarbone, their vibrant red standing out against my skin. I wear them in plain sight—just as Jude taught me—to ward off unpleasant incidents. Like being enchanted. Like mistaking mud for a delicacy. I usually wear them under clothes, tying the necklace to one thigh or as a bracelet when I wear long-sleeved dresses. But today I want to make it clear that I'm wearing them.
I feel like a doll, polished and presented for inspection.
Before leaving, Jude and Taryn made me swear to tell them everything that happens later. Jude, ever the pragmatist, also told me not to hesitate to use physical force if Cardan dares to get too close. I’m not sure if she was joking, but the look in her eyes suggested she wasn’t.
“Do you like it like this?”
Gia asks, stepping back to admire her handiwork. She’s pinned a few delicate flower shaped silver clips into my hair, their tiny gemstones catching the light.
“It looks great, thanks”
I reply, forcing a smile. Kiki had insisted on “minimum elegance” and I suppose this fits the bill. The makeup has soft pink hues that mirror my dress, and a delicate wing of eyeliner that elongates my eyes. I got the idea from one of the human magazines Jude sneaks me now and then. She says her sister, Vivi, visits the human world often and brings them gifts—magazines, trinkets, stories. How enviable.
There’s a commotion downstairs—voices, footsteps, the clatter of dishes.
Then a soft knock on the door.
“They're here”
Gia says, her tone neutral but her eyes sharp with curiosity.
Perfect, I think.
As I leave the room, I hear the murmur of voices below—Kiki and Joaalk, a woman’s voice I don’t recognize, and then Cardan’s, smooth and low, like velvet. I take a deep breath and start down the stairs, my hand trailing along the banister for balance.
The entrance hall comes into view, and I see them gathered at the foot of the stairs: mom, dad, Cardan, and a woman I’ve never seen before but who bears a striking resemblance to him.
"Oh, here she is"
Joaalk announces, interrupting their conversation.
All eyes turn to me.
I take my time walking down the steps, feeling the weight of their gazes. Cardan dressed more formally than at the party but still with that edge of eccentricity that seems uniquely his. Gold leaves glimmer in his dark hair, catching the candlelight, and a golden necklace with a purple gemstone rests against his open neckline, drawing the eye downward.
The flickering candlelight casts sensual shadows over his sharp features, highlighting his high cheekbones, the curve of his lips.
He’s watching me with that same studied intensity he had in the garden yesterday, his dark eyes tracking my every move. It’s unnerving, but there’s a part of me that’s pleased by it—by the way he seems almost enchanted.
When I reach the bottom of the stairs, I give a solemn bow, my movements careful and deliberate.
“There is no need”
the woman says, her voice warm and melodic. She steps forward, her hand brushing my bare shoulder in a gesture that’s both gentle and commanding.
I lift my gaze and meet hers. She’s beautiful. With the same sharp features as Cardan but softened by a warmth he lacks. Her eyes are a deep, mossy green, and her blonde hair falls in loose waves over her shoulders, adorned with delicate silver threads.
As if reading my thoughts, she smiles.
"You’re quite pretty."
A compliment? From her? I don’t know how to respond.
Instead, I steady myself
“I am Lilia Doerve” I say, recovering quickly.
“Pleased to meet you.”
“I am Rhyia Greenbriar”
she replies, her tone gracious.
“The pleasure is mine.”
So as I suspected, she’s one of Cardan’s sisters. I glance at him, and he’s still watching me. There’s a flicker of something in his eyes.
Kiki steps forward, her smile bright but her eyes sharp.
“Shall we move to the sitting room? I’m sure you’d all like to get comfortable.”
Rhyia nods “That sounds lovely.”
As we move toward the sitting room, Cardan falls into step beside me. He doesn’t say anything, but his presence is impossible to ignore. I can feel the heat of him, the faint scent of juniper and something darker, more elusive. It’s maddening.
“I heard you were sick a few hours ago.”
He breaks the silence, his voice low and teasing as we walk toward the sitting room.
They really wasted no time telling him, huh? Great. Why wouldn’t they? I suppress a groan, keeping my expression neutral.
“You said you didn't like me”
he continues, his tone almost hurt, though the glint in his eyes betrays his amusement.
“But I didn’t think you’d go so far as to pretend to be sick.”
I stop in my tracks and turn to face him, my patience wearing thin.
“I wouldn’t have tried to fake sickness if you hadn’t pulled this stunt.”
He smiles, the kind of smile that makes my stomach twist—sharp, knowing, and entirely too pleased with himself.
“Stunt? What stunt?”
I sigh, already exhausted, and start walking again.
“Coming here to my house? Proposing an official courting to my parents after I told you I wasn't interested?”
He falls into step beside me, his hands tucked casually into the pockets of his tailored jacket.
“I just respect the traditions”
he says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.
“It’s not my fault you’re so opposed to spending time with me.”
I shoot him a glare, but he doesn’t seem fazed. If anything, he looks even more amused.
“I would have liked to see your performance”
he continues, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper.
“While you begged everyone not to meet me. It must have been quite the spectacle.”
“Don't go so far with your imagination. I didn’t beg anyone”
I snap, my voice sharper than I intended.
“And I could have done it if only…”
I freeze, the words catching in my throat. I don’t want to bring Jude and Taryn into this, not in front of him. I know how he feels about Jude, and the last thing I need is to give him more ammunition.
Cardan tilts his head, his dark eyes studying me with that unnerving intensity.
“If only what?”
he prompts, his voice soft but insistent.
“Nothing”
I say, my tone final. I turn away and continue walking toward the sitting room, my heels clicking against the polished floor.
He doesn’t press further, but I can feel his gaze on me, heavy and unrelenting. When we reach the sitting room, Rhyia is already seated on one of the plush velvet chairs, her posture regal but relaxed. Kiki and Joaalk are across from her, engaged in polite conversation. The room is warm and inviting, the air scented with the faint aroma of spiced tea and burning candles.