Chapter 4
After my disownment, everyone at school seemed nicer.
That was strange…
In Gryffindor I didn’t meet stares of distrust anymore. That was nice…
Family friends and other Slytherin, especially my brother, just didn’t look at me anymore. Like I was a ghost, or just dirt beneath their shoes.
That hurt…
But I was happy.
At least I thought so much.
I didn’t have the shadow of my parent’s distrust and hate looming over me anymore, which made me lighter somehow.
I hoped it will always stay like that.
James seemed happier too, as well as Remus and Peter. In their eyes I was a hopeless case before, but know I was free.
Even Lilly talked more to me. I believe she was always kind of holding back on me, because she thought I would betray them all.
I don’t even know why they would think that. I have always been their friend. They have always seen what they did to me at that house. What scars I carry on my skin.
But it could only get better in the future.
Because I was free.
(:)
I was not free.
Not really at least.
During my last school years, the Dark Lord has gained so much power through destruction, murder and spreading fear. So, at the end of 7th grade, Dumbledore asked us, Peter, James, Remus and Me, to join the Order of the Phoenix.
It made us believe that we can help; that we can be heroes.
It was much harder than that though.
We had no freedom anymore.
Every mission we went on could be our last and that was the part that scared us the most and lead to us just stop living. We weren’t trying to make a life out of ourselves anymore. I mean they were a few that found partners and would want to marry someday, but it was always with a fear that something will happen.
We were only 18 or 19 years old.
We were children. It shouldn’t be like that.
(:)
The Order of the Phoenix was Dumbledore’s baby.
He did everything for it…
…because it obviously benefitted him.
He was the man The Dark Lord apparently feared so much that he would not attack him, and that everyone around big old Dumbledore was save.
Except his child soldiers of course.
Aka the 18- and 19-year-olds, that just finished school.
They get send on dead missions, while he sits in his school.
After a while you begin to detest him, because you could finally see how manipulative and wrong, he is.
Not because I think the Dark Lord is better, I don’t think that, but because Dumbledore seems to be just as bad as him.
I never tell of my doubts.
I am still a Black in the eyes of the Order.
I will always be.