She's angry.
She's angry and sad and tired and grieving and sad and really horny and she hates the world and she hates herself and she hates god and she hates everything and she is so tired of crying and she just wants to sleep.
But sleep brings memories she wants out of her head and sleep means nightmares and she doesn't want to sleep and she feels miserable and she can't even cry anymore.
It's been over a year. She is supposed to be fine. Everyone else is. Everyone expects her to be fine. But their boyfriends didn't die weeks after prom.
Her boyfriend did. She was the one who saw his lifeless, dead body. She had to go to the funeral of the guy she lost her virginity to. She had to go on with her life, go to school and face the world without him while she was only seventeen and was left grieving while everyone else moved on with their lives like he didn't die and expected her to do the same and got frustrated when she couldn't move on.
Because how do you move on from your boyfriend dying when you're seventeen? With therapy where you talk about what he meant to you and he meant everything because he was your first nearly everything and the therapist gives you a pitiful look and you're crying, weeping when you remember his lifeless body and his father's screams.
You pretend to move on. You go on a date with a cute guy who has a crush on you because you're trying, but he was there when your boyfriend was being killed so it's not like it goes well.
You study as much as you can because what else is there for you to do to take your mind off the fact that your boyfriend was killed?
You can't exactly get drunk or get high because you're not eighteen yet. Which doesn't exactly stop her. Marietta sneaks wine from her mum's liquor cabinet and they get drunk, but it's not the kind of alcohol she needs. Getting high isn't doing for her what she thought it'd do, and maybe it's the people she's doing it with, but it's probably just that someone is missing.
He is missing and she misses him and nothing can fill up this aching hole in her heart.
She plays soccer and she's always been good at it, but she got even better. And more aggressive. But she's still a great player and she likes it, but... But even that, it still reminds her of him.
But she goes to the parties and has less mental breakdowns the more she goes, so it's considered progress. Her therapist thinks so, at least.
When she graduates, she's relieved. Relieved that she's leaving it behind, her friends and the professors and the memories of him and him, and she is hopeful.
She hasn't been hopeful since... It feels like it was a lifetime ago.
Her therapist suggests her a new therapist when she announces she's moving away and she nods, takes the note with his phone number and the address and puts it in her wallet, where she hopes it'll stay.
It doesn't.
She settles in, meets her roommate, Gemma Farley, and they go to get something to eat and Gemma talks about her boyfriend and how they went backpacking through Europe for a year and came back and she went to cosmetology school while her boyfriend took his uni classes and then she figured, if he can do it so can she, so she is starting a little later, but it's all good while she has a plan, well, while they have a plan and the plan is that she's going to get her business degree and start her own cosmetics line and he's going to become a doctor and they're really glad they took a gap year because they are never going to have time to relax until they're like, fifty.
And while Gemma is going on and on and on, she thinks about the plans she made with Cedric. About what they would study in uni, where they want to travel, places he would take her, the flat they would rent...
And it makes her want to cry because that could've been them, that should have been them and it's not and it's not fair and why did he have to die and it's simply not fair and yeah, she's a little jealous, but she has every right to be.
She wants to cry. But she puts on a happy face and nods along and smiles and laughs when appropriate and the note with the phone number and the address is sticking out when she opens her wallet to pay.
She tries. You get points for trying. And god, does she try.
It's just so much and so little and it's so hard.
It's hard being happy, listening to Gemma talk about her boyfriend and then she meets him at a party that day and they're so in love, and he looks at Gemma like Cedric looked at her, and it hurts because she wants to be happy, but it's hard because she should have be that happy too.
She should be having fun at her first college party, dancing and meeting new people and be happy. She should be dancing with her boyfriend like Gemma is. She should be texting her boyfriend back home about how much she misses him. She would even take the she should be getting drunk because she broke up with her high school boyfriend.
But she's not. Because he got killed by a mobster in a crossfire. That's a fun story to tell people at parties.
She was never the life of the party. That was Cedric, with his sweet smile and easygoing attitude and saying the right thing all the time. She was just there, with her hand in his, smiling when he was smiling, trying to say the right thing too.
Note to herself, expand on that in therapy.
She makes herself another drink, which is just 70-30 of vodka and orange juice and joins a conversation about favorite childhood candy because it seems easy to talk about that.
It is. She does well. She didn't ruin a normal conversation, all points go to her. She's even laughing and it isn't forced. They seem normal. She can do normal.
She's too fucked up for normal people and too normal for fucked up people, but she can pretend to be normal for normal people to like her, she's been one for seventeen years and she did that incredibly.
Maybe she doesn't need a therapist anyway.
And then she sees him. And at first she thinks she's hallucinating because there's no way he's here, actually here or she is just having a messed up nightmare because she feels guilty and-
And he sees her too and he's in shock for like, five seconds and then he's smiling at her, that wide, winner's smile and she feels like screaming and she turns away and hopes, prays he doesn't come, prays she disappears into the crowd.
But of course not. Because his hand is on her shoulder and he's saying her name and-
Fuck.
"Cormac," she gets the balls to turn around and greet him, holding the cup for her dear life and praying she wakes up soon.
"I had no idea you're here too," he says and he looks genuinely thrilled about the fact that they're going to the same university.
"Yeah. Yeah," she says and she tries to disappear into the cup, into a wall and he's still just smiling.
"Made any friends?"
"Some. You?"
"Yeah, my teammates, and my roommate plays basketball, so we kinda joined the two teams, we're right there," he points to where a group of yes, obviously jocks, are standing and sitting and having fun and being all bro-like and she thinks about how Cedric wouldn't be like that at all.
"Cool," is all she can come up and he is still smiling and can she please just disappear.
"Yeah uhm, it was nice seeing you. Don't be a stranger, Cho," he says and she smiles the least fake smile she can and it's over, thank god.
Fuck.
Why is he here? How is he here? He can't be here.
Fuck.
She needs another drink. Or three.
She never liked him. He was hot, yes, soft blonde hair and handsome eyes and he likes to run without his shirt when they have gym and she knows he looks good-
But he was horribly arrogant and loud and entitled and he talks about himself literally all the time. Well, about himself or the girls he's been with.
Cedric was on the team with him, and when he died, Cormac was one of those people who moved on fast.
And by fast she means he made a move on her on Cedric's funeral. Funeral, where she was weeping and his dead body was like, five steps away.
She slept with him. Months after Cedric's funeral and months after she started therapy and months after everyone seemed to have moved on and forgotten about him and she was left alone to miss him.
It was one of the many, many attempts to socialize, because 'it's important to keep going, Cho' and so she is trying to keep going. It's a party, she doesn't know whose it is, just that Marietta brought her along and she can see tequila and herself puking it all out in two hours, but-
She pretends to have moved on. She is trying, she really is, but she still cries half the nights and she hates it when someone sits on the chair Cedric would always sit and she can't stand to even look at stupid cupcakes because it was what Cedric and her ate on their third date and-
And she's at the depression stage of grief and she doesn't know if she's ever going to get out of that stage and she downs shots of tequila and dances with her friends and she almost feels normal.
She had to go to the bathroom and she so doesn't feel well and he sits down next to her on the stairs, beer in his hand and a cup of tequila and orange juice in hers and they start talking.
She doesn't remember what exactly they talked about, but she does remember she laughed. Genuinely, the kind that makes your belly hurt laughed and she hasn't done that since Cedric.
She remembers his hand moving a strand of her hair and twirling it with his finger and his hand, his fingers feel soft on her shoulder and their laughter is dying and he has a pretty smile.
She remembers leaning into his touch, looking at his lips and kissing him. Softly, quickly, almost chaste and him not moving for a few seconds before kissing her back, his hand on her neck is pulling her closer and her hand is gripping his shirt and it feels so soft and they're deeping the kiss and he knows how to kiss, like really well and he tastes like beer and he can probably taste tequila on her tongue, but it feels so good and then-
Then she thinks about Cedric and she freezes and moves away, petrified because what the hell is she doing, god, her boyfriend died three months ago and she is kissing his teammate and god, she is the worst girlfriend in the world-
His hand is on her cheek and she's looking at him and he's telling her to breathe, that it's fine, it was just a kiss and it's okay-
And she knows but it also feels like she's done something horrible and she's crying and she spilled her drink and she can't stop saying sorry and is he chuckling right now and oh my god, she needs to get some air-
And she runs away from him, her drink left forgotten.
She calls her therapist, drunk and crying and her parents come to pick her up and she can't stop apologizing to everyone because she is just the worst and she knows they all hate her right now, but honestly, she hates herself even more.
He doesn't text her, doesn't try to talk to her at school and... yeah, okay good. Good.
She tries to forget it ever happened. Works it out with her therapist and doesn't get what she wanted out of talking.
Yes, Cedric would want her to move on, want her to be happy, want her to be a teenager and have fun and if having fun means kissing McLaggen-
It was a nice kiss. She'll give him that. Cedric kissed nicely too, but Cormac... he was something else. Practiced, well-practiced. And she just became another number.
She sleeps with him two months after that.
Her classes are interesting. She makes few friends, but nothing special.
"It's okay to make new friendships and get close to new people", she hears her old therapist say in her head and yes, maybe she does have attachment issues and slight abandonment issues, but her boyfriend died and her friends basically stopped hanging out with her because she was grieving. You can't exactly blame her for being careful.
Besides, she gets along well with Gemma and her boyfriend. That's progress from Marietta.
She's just busy with classes, she tells her parents. And Marietta. And she doesn't think about calling the phone number on the note in her wallet. She doesn't.
She doesn't even think about the fact that Cormac is here. Totally doesn't. Totally isn't internally freaking out about seeing him when she walks around the university or at a party Gemma begs her to come. She's totally cool.
It's Halloween already. Gemma and her go shopping for costumes. She's a sexy witch and Gemma and Cassius go as Daphne and Fred.
"Weren't you a witch last year, too?" she hears a very familiar voice ask and of course he's at this party too.
"I was," she says and what else is she supposed to say and he's smiling.
He's a gladiator this year. Beats sexy Cupid from last year.
"I would've brought my Cupid costume if I knew I'll see you again."
He had to bring up last year. He had to do it.
She just and shrugs and takes a sip of her beer and it's disgusting and he raises an eyebrow and smiles. "I'll go get you something else. Just, don't run away."
"I won't."
She can't. Unfortunately. She's wearing heels, she couldn't run if her life depended on it.
He's back quickly, and gives her a cup and takes beer away from her. "Tequila and orange juice, you like that, right?"
She can't believe he remembers. "Way better than I like beer," she says and they clink their drinks and that's awkward.
"You look good."
"Thanks. You loook good too," she tries, oh how she tries-
"So you're here with Warrington and his girl? I saw you walk in with Fred and Daphne-"
"Yeah, Gemma is my roommate. How do you know Cass?"
"Warrington? He plays football," he says like it's obvious.
"Really?"
"Yeah. He's like, professionally good. Didn't Gemma boost about her boyfriend?"
"No. No, not about that," she says and that sounds like Gemma talks about how good Cass is in bed, "and not like your thinking now, she doesn't talk about his dick or, or something, it's just, she talks a lot about his med classes," which is a great save.
"Right yeah, he's in med. Most of the guys are in business, I forgot he's med."
"Yeah"
"Yeah. What are you majoring in?"
"Most of my classes are Chemistry based," she says and he nods, looks like he's impressed.
"Cool"
"And you?"
"Business," he says like it's obvious and yeah, it kind of is.
"Cool."
"Hey listen, about-"
About the times we had sex, about ignoring me, about-
"Let's dance," she says and takes his hand and leaves her drink somewhere and she realizes he puts his somewhere too because his hands are free and on her body and they're dancing and she doesn't think about Cedric-
She's laughing. He made her laugh again and his smile is wide and she likes his smile.
She pulls him in a kiss and she missed it. Kissing him.
They dance some more and kiss more and smile some more and then they're outside, and he's kissing her neck and she's pulling him closer and she's wet and knows he can feel it, and she can feel how turned on he is and she moans when she feels him against her.
She wants him again. It isn't right. Why isn't it right? It feels right. It feels great.
Cedric. That's why.
"Why aren't you stopping?"
"Why aren't you?"
"I don't want to."
"I don't want either."
"It's not fair," she says and he stops kissing her, his hands move away, his body moves away from hers and she feels cold.
He sighs. "What is it?"
It sounds awfully like what is it this time.
"It doesn't feel right. Cedric..."
"Yeah. Yeah, it's always Cedric."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"He's been dead for a year. You dated Davies, you dated Corner, you make out with me whenever you feel like it... But it's always about Cedric."
"It is. I loved him."
"Do you still love him?"
"Yes. Of course I still love him!"
"No, I mean... Do you still love him?"
"I... I don't..."
Does she?
"I didn't date Roger and Michael. Going on four dates doesn't mean dating."
"It does when it's Cedric who is taking you."
"Not-"
"It's cool if you aren't ready. It's cool to try and figure out it's not where you're at. But you can't play with people's feelings and use your ex-boyfriend as an excuse to be a jerk."
"Dead boyfriend. He was my boyfriend and he died and I don't have to be okay and move on from that in a millisecond like everyone else."
"I never said that. But stop using him as an excuse."
"Fuck you-"
"You're stuck in this depressive stage and you're not hurting yourself, you're hurting other people too. There's nothing wrong with grieving, but it can't come at the expense of other people's feelings."
"Are you seriously saying I hurt your feelings?"
"You hurt your friends and your family-"
"I'm so sorry for fucking grieving-"
"Stop blaming everything on it. You're not that pathetic."
"Oh really?"
"I'm going to get us another drink and if you think you can have an adult conversation about this, we can continue."
"I'm so tired of talking."
"You need it."
"Since when are you so interested in talking and being all so mature?"
"Since forever."
He walks inside and leaves her alone to think about whatever it is just happened.
Yes, she did kind of date Roger and Michael. But it was... it didn't mean anything. She was trying, pretending, trying to make her parents worry less and trying to work on moving on and creating new, meaningful relationships with the help of her therapist. But it's not like they cried rivers when it ended.
And she does love Cedric. She's always going to love him.
Who does he think he is, that arrogant son of a bitch-
"Here," he says, giving her a cup. Tequila and orange juice again.
"Thanks. Look, I'm sorry if I hurt you."
"That's all?"
"Is there anything else?"
I want to sleep with you again, I want to forget about him, I want to be happy, I want to move on-
"If you think that's all, that's all."
"So we're good?"
"Yeah, Cho. We're good."
It's Halloween and there's a party and Marietta gets her to go, even brings her a costume.
Sexy witch. But she looks good and Marietta looks happy and she puts on a brave face.
She's feeling okay. It's progress. She is having fun.
Cormac is there too. He's wearing a Cupid costume and he even has a bow and arrow.
He comes to her, his winning smile on and she smiles back. He shoots his arrow and it bounces off her and she laughs and they start talking.
She's only had one drink and he says he's had only one beer when she asks him while she's taking off his belt.
It feels so good. His mouth against her neck, his hands on her boobs, his fingers inside her panties, inside her, making her whimper, making her come.
His pants and shirt are off and the rest of her clothes soon follow.
"Condom," she warns and he nods, kissing her once more before taking it out of his wallet.
When he is finally inside her, it hurts. It hurts, but it feels good and he is hitting that sweet spot that makes her moan with pleasure.
He is properly good. God, it feels amazing.
Davies had no idea what he was doing, but Cormac does. By heavens, he does.
When they're done, both spent, they cuddle for a while until she gets up and leaves.
She calls her therapist later that day in tears.
"So, you and McLaggen?" Gemma asks, offering her a cup of morning coffee.
"There's nothing there." Anymore.
"Didn't seem like that at a party. But, if you don't want to talk about it..."
"I don't."
"Okay. No problem. But... Cass could talk to him, see what's on his mind..."
"It's not like that. We went to school together, that's all."
"Whatever you say."
It's December. She hates that month. Too many memories. It was when she started dating Cedric.
She doesn't tell Gemma about Cedric. She doesn't need the pity looks when she's been doing better. When she's been forgetting.
But she hates December. She hates Christmas. She has to go back home and she doesn't want to. Home means memories and she's fine.
"Wanna go to an early Christmas party?" Gemma asks and she shrugs. "Cass and his friends are going. I thought we could go too, spend more time before you go home."
"It'll be nice. I'm going to miss you."
"I'm gonna miss you too."
They hug and Gemma squals and they go to the party.
Cormac is there. Wearing a really ugly Christmas sweater. He's talking to his friends and she comes up to him and he's smiling and she leads him away.
"Are you going home for holidays?"
"Yeah. You?"
"Yeah. My parents miss me and Marietta has a special surprise for and I'm kinda scared because that could mean a lot of things with her, but... Yeah. I'm going home too."
"Which plane are you catching?"
"The night one. I can't stand flying during the day."
"I was thinking about catching the morning one. Sooner I leave, sooner I'm home."
"I can't exactly relate."
"Memories, huh?"
"Memories and anniversaries and everything connected to him... I've been doing okay, forgetting and now I have to go home and experience, face everything I'm trying to forget."
"You shouldn't be trying to forget it. Moving on isn't about forgetting."
"I can't believe Cormac McLaggen is being a living self-help book."
He rolls his eyes. "We could go home together."
"No, it's fine. You don't have to change your plans because of me. I think I could use few hours of alone time."
He gives her a small smile and nods. "Okay. See you back home, then?"
"Maybe. I don't know, I don't really feel like doing the whole catching up thing with everyone."
"I get it. It's cool. Well, uhm..."
"I think your friends are calling you."
"I don't care."
"I'll see you when we get back."
He nods and clinks their drinks and takes a sip of his beer and goes back to his friends.
It was a good decision.
Being at home is... overwhelming. Her parents barely let her breathe, Marietta is making her go with her everywhere she goes and it's so awkward trying to talk to people.
How have you been? What's it like there? Wait, doesn't McLaggen go there too? Are you doing better?
She goes to visit Cedric's grave. She doesn't call her therapist, so that's a good sign.
Cormac grins when he sees her watching him. It's annoying. Because she can't go up to him and talk and lead him in a bedroom and let him fuck her senseless for good old times or because it's that he's part of her life here and there and how shitty is it of her that she prefers her life there?
"Having fun?" he asks her, grinning. He comes up to her, beer in his hand when she's left alone for a minute and she is trying to figure out who would be least annoying to talk to, and she shrugs.
"Not particularly."
"Yeah, me neither. Uni parties are better."
It makes her smile because he's lying, he is having fun, but he's trying to make her feel better and it's working.
She has sex with him at the April Fool's Day party. No, but seriously.
Marietta drags her, and it's a pretty fun party as far as parties since without him go.
She gets drunk. Really really drunk and she dances with everyone and Marietta looks happy for her and she is having so much fun.
It's fun. It's great. It's also fun and great when she ends up dancing with Cormac and he's not a bad dancer and his hands are on her ass and she's laughing and he's got that stupidly hot grin on his handsome face and how they end up in someone's bedroom she has no idea, but they do.
"Fuck, I'm so drunk," he says as he's trying to take off her shirt and she laughs.
"I'm really drunk too."
They're half-naked, she's in her underwear and he's still got his pants on and his hips roll against hers and it feels so good. "Are you sure you want this?"
He sounds breathless and she's pretty sure she sounds the same and she nods and she wants him inside her so badly. "God, yes."
It's fun. It's kinda sweet and fun and clumsy and she comes to the sound of his laughter.
She wants to stay and fall asleep, but Marietta called her twice and she apologizes and goes downstairs and she hopes she looks just drunk, not drunk and fucked, and she lies she went to sleep for a bit and Marietta believes her because she has done it before and they go home.
She doesn't text him, but he doesn't text her either and she lies to herself that it didn't mean anything. It really didn't.
It's exam season. She's not doing badly. Which is good. Great.
She needs alcohol and she wants to get high and she is so stressed and wants it to be over.
Gemma hasn't been in their room for days now, solving her exam anxiety in a different way, a lot more productive way.
She should get fucked into oblivion too. But, she is pulling all-nighters, either at her room or the library when she feels like spicing things up and living on caffeine and brownies from canteen and she longs for a cooked meal.
"Hey, how do you get weed?" she whispers and Cormac looks at her like she asked him where he keeps his stash of cocaine. "Come on, I know you know."
"Exams?"
"It's awful. I need to take a break."
"Go to sleep. You look like you need it."
"Not like that. Please, Cormac? Pretty please?"
He relents. He rolls his eyes and sighs and relents and she smiles. "Any other requests?"
"Something cooked. I'll take anything."
He sighs. "Okay. Uh... six at my room?"
"My room is free, Gemma hasn't been there in a week."
"Okay. Deal."
"Thank you!" she smiles sweetly and he rolls his eyes, but there a hint of smile. She's getting high and fed.
He is ten minutes early and she wanted to change before he came, but whatever.
Sweatpants and Marietta's hoodie, she isn't even wearing a bra, but it's not her worst look. Her hair is tied in a ponytail and you can't even tell she hasn't bothered to wash it in almost two weeks.
He comes with vegetarian lasagna for her and pizza for him and ice-cream and he says she looks good and she gives him a look and he grins.
It's fun. She doesn't think about anything except food and food and ice-cream.
They listen to music and they don't talk, but she likes it. It's nice.
She wants to talk. About Cedric and her feelings, how angry she is that he died and left her like this, how sad she is he died and she doesn't know how to move on because whatever she tries, it feels like she failed, how she accepted he is dead but she can't stop being sad about it, and how anxious she is because what if she fails her exams and has to go back home and about this need she feels to touch Cormac, this want between her legs and how much she likes it when he smiles.
She wants to talk about it but that's what therapy is for.
"Your thinking is so fucking loud."
"Sorry."
"Turn it off."
"Turning it off."
"I mean... If you wanna talk about it-"
"God no."
"Then turn it off."
"Turning it off."
"Good."
They share a soft smile and she wants to touch his lips. He has very kissable lips. But she doesn't do it. Doesn't want to ruin the moment, ruin what they've become, doesn't want to start something again when she doesn't know what that something would be and it would probably be complicated and if she's being honest with herself, rather fun.
If she's being honest with herself, she's afraid she is going to hurt him more than she is afraid of him hurting her. She isn't the best person, not after Cedric and not when she isn't sure if she moved on, if she's ready.
He's not the best person either. She knows about the fuck and leave, the ghosting after sweet words and not texting when he promises he would. She knows what he was like in high school. He really isn't a good person.
"You're thinking too loudly again."
"Sorry."
But he's nice to her. She doesn't understand why. But he is. Who is to say he'll stay nice.
"If you wanna talk, just talk."
"I don't."
"Liar."
"Why did you flirt with me at his funeral?"
"Because I'm a jerk? You looked hot, even if you were weeping, but you were hot and I don't know, it just came out of my mouth without thinking. I'm sorry. He didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve that."
She thinks about what she wore. It was a pretty dress. It fit her perfectly. She laughs. She has no idea why.
"He was cool. It was annoying how good he was at everything, you know? Not even good, but great. Great player, great person, great student, great friend-"
"Great boyfriend, wonderful son... He was perfect."
"I liked him but sometimes, I couldn't stand him."
"He was annoyingly perfect," she says and there is no hate there. He simply was annoyingly perfect at everything.
"Right?"
"I don't know how he did it."
"He had a short life, but he had it all."
"Yeah. He wanted to be remembered."
"He got that."
"Yeah, by his parents-"
"And you. Being remembered by you is a win."
She smiles. "He wanted to do something with his life. But like, he knew what that something is. Football career, he knew what he wanted to study-"
"He had his shit together."
"He did."
"May he rest in peace," he says and takes a hit in his honor.
"I bet he even looks perfect as a rotting corpse," she says and he chokes on his own spit.
"That was dark. Holy shit," he says, and starts coughing and she's laughing and he lets out a short laugh. "You'd do well with fucked ups."
"Woah, thanks-"
"I don't mean that as a bad thing. You hang out with normal people because you want to feel like you're normal. Gemma is normal, Cass is normal. They're the kind of couple you look at and wish you had your shit together like they do. Marietta is a psycho, but in a crazy ex-girlfriend way, and don't give me that look, you know I'm right, I remember what shit she did to Bletchley after they broke up-"
"Oh please, you would've done the same thing if you got dumped the way she did-"
"Alright, fair. But, you hang out with people who have had zero trauma. That's why you're so up in your own ass about trying to be normal. If you talked to people who are also little fucked up, you wouldn't be so hard on yourself."
"You think I'm fucked up," it's a statement, not a question.
"You are. Of course you are, your boyfriend got murdered by a hardcore mobster because he got himself in the wrong place at the wrong time."
He has a point. "Do you think you're fucked up?"
"Not like you. A little. You can't fuck as good as I do if you aren't."
"Woah, big words. What's your trauma?"
"Daddy issues. Mommy issues. My mum had cancer, it's not like you can go through that and not be a little messed up."
"Oh. Cormac, I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
"No, it's fine. She didn't die. They got divorced and then married again three years ago, and my father is bothering me about spending more time with them. He can't get over the fact I'm on the other side of the country while they're trying to play happy family again."
"Are they playing or are you actually happy family?"
"Fuck no, we aren't happy. Mum is going through her third life crisis and my father feels bad about cheating and they started seeing this marriage counselor that is doing wonders for their sex life."
"Ew."
"Exactly."
"Have you ever been to therapy?"
He nods. "Dad didn't think I needed it, but mum insisted. I didn't go for long, just a few sessions. I'm well-adjusted, according to my therapist."
She rolls her eyes. "Yeah, you are."
"Are you still going to therapy?"
She shakes her head. "No. I got the phone number from my old therapist, I do have someone to reach out but I never got around to doing it."
"It's exam season. If it's ever been a good time..."
"I guess, but..."
"You don't think you need it anymore?"
"Uhm... I don't know. I'm not sure. It's... I've been trying. I'm doing better. I don't cry as much anymore and I don't think about him as much and it feels like I'm healing. Slowly. But... But it's still healing. I'm doing it on my own and it feels like I should keep doing it by myself at this stage."
"Because you think it's been way too long to grieve or..."
"Maybe that. Or maybe I just want to do it on my own right now."
There's a beat of silence.
"It's nice talking to you. Like this."
"High?"
She chuckles. "About deep stuff and all that."
"You're not so bad yourself."
They share another soft smile and she wants to kiss his neck, bite into it, leave marks. She wants his fingers inside her, wants to moan as he works them in just the right way.
But not now. Not yet. When she's ready and they're not a mess. One day.
He makes a stupid joke and she laughs and she looks at his smile, and hopes it's going to be soon and worries that if she waits too long for that some day to come, it's never going to come or if it comes, it's somehow going to be too late.
"Chang."
"Hm?"
"You're thinking too loudly again."
"Sorry."
"You're missing out on the whole point of getting high."
"Which is?"
"No thinking. Just food."
"Well, we ate all the food. And the high is wearing off."
"What is it this time?"
Us. This. Why are you here? Why are we doing this? I miss the way you kiss. I'm terrified. You should be terrified. It feels like we're doing something wrong. You knew him, you knew me before he died and you know me now, and how much did I change? Tell me you just want to fuck me and do it and ghost me and hurt me in a normal way.
"Cho."
She sighs. "Why did you come? We're risking getting expelled, but you're here."
"Literally everyone does it in this dorm and nobody got expelled. I'm not risking anything."
"Did you bring condoms?"
"I have them with me all the time," he says like it's a well-known fact. "I didn't come here to fuck."
"Then why?"
"I felt like getting high and eating pizza. Believe it or not, I'm stressed too."
"You could've done it with anyone."
"You asked me nicely. I couldn't say no to pretty please."
"Wait, did you ask me to come here to fuck?"
She smiles and shakes her head. "No. That's not why I hang out with you."
"Why do you?"
"Why do you?"
"Not fair, I asked first."
"But... ugh. I like it. You're... nice company. We have history, but it's... it's not just about that."
"You're a good fuck. But you're also a friend, I guess? I like spending time with you. It's nice."
"Even if you're not sleeping with me?"
He sighs. "Even if I'm not scoring."
"Do you want to sleep with me?"
"Fuck yes."
"You haven't tried anything since..."
"You aren't ready. I'm cool with casual sex, don't get me wrong, I'm down for anything if it involves fucking you, but you aren't ready for anything yet and I'm not that big of an asshole. You were Cedric's girl, I respect that."
"I want to. It just doesn't feel right by either of us to start something if... if we both feel like we're going to screw it up."
"You're worried I'm going to fuck it up or you?"
"Both. It's not like we have the best track record."
"Fair. You're a mess and I'm an asshole. We'd be fun at parties."
"We already are."
"I know I am. I don't think people would say you are."
"I can be fun."
"When you get drunk enough you forget your own name, yes."
"Jerk."
They're practically cuddling, with his hand around her and her head on his chest. They are cuddling. She would have a lot to explain to Gemma if she decided to appear right now.
"I want to do it."
I want you to fuck me again. And again. And again. I need it, I want you.
"Do you still love him?"
"Not fair."
"It's a pretty fucking fair question. You still love him. I'm just a consolation prize."
"Not true."
"It is. You can't have him so you go for guys who could maybe replace him."
"You think that's what I'm like?"
"I know that's what you do. I'm not dumb, Cho. Tell me it would be a good idea. Look me in the eyes-"
"I can't. It wouldn't. We would be bad together."
"No, we would be pretty good together. That's the problem. You like me, I like you, but there's a whole mess of issues coming with us dating," he says and she can't believe they're having this conversation right now.
"How long do you think we're going to work like this?"
"One of us is going to end up in a relationship first, I guess."
"Would you really want to be with me? Maybe not right now, but... in the future?"
"Yes."
"I'm sorry I'm fucked up."
"It's not your fault." She would cry right now if she could.
"If we did it, right now, do you think it would change anything? What do we get out of it?"
"A lot. Nothing. More complications."
"If I work for this, for us, you're going to have to work too. Deal?"
"Deal."
She kisses him. A soft, quick kiss, and he kisses her back, and she lays her head back on his chest.