Regulus woke up that morning knowing that he was going to die that day.
He had been planning his death for months, years really. His time being loved by James and Sirius simply put those plans on hold. But that was gone now. James was married to Lily Evans and they were happy. Sirius was engaged to Remus Lupin and they were getting married today.
Regulus’s invitation had arrived via patronus and he had cried. You see, to all of the wizarding world, Regulus was already dead. Had been for six months. The announcement ‘Black heir presumed dead’ had been plastered all over the headlines. James had read those headlines. Read the announcement. James hadn’t even blinked.
He had called Sirius to offer comfort and had spent the day comforting him about the brother that James couldn’t even remember.
But Regulus hadn’t died in that cave. He had lived and had spent the next 3 months killing the Dark Lord. He had found all of the Horcruxes laughably easily and destroyed them with fiendfyre.
After that, it all went as smoothly as could be. Voldemort’s body was discovered in the middle of nowhere along with his Horcruxes.
No one knew who their saviour was.
It had been 6 months since he was presumed dead and 3 after he had killed Voldemort. He was no longer living, simply surviving. The only reason he was still alive today was Sirius's wedding. Regulus wanted to go.
It was stupid probably but he needed to be there. He wasn’t going to let himself die if he wasn’t 100 percent sure that Sirius was happy. So he was going to the wedding.
He had a suit and he planned on using glamours to cover his true identity. Knowing Sirius, he would have invited as many people as possible, making his wedding the most extravagant event of the year. Regulus figured he wouldn’t have a problem blending in with the crowd.
Boy was he wrong.
The wedding venue was beautiful. There was obvious effort into every detail from the red and gold flowers to the stars and moon that arched over the makeshift altar.
There were a few guests here and there but it was clear that Regulus was early. That worried him slightly.
His magic was weak as of late for reasons that he attributed to grief so his glamours would only last for about an hour, at best. Most wedding ceremonies were only about 30 minutes so Regulus figured he would have time, but, knowing his brother, if Regulus was already early then he could plan on lots of things today not going as planned.
Luckily, it was only about 10 minutes before people started arriving and at the fifteen-minute mark most people were there and seated so Regulus took his seat as far to the back as possible. His glamors were still pretty good but he could feel them wearing off, ever so slowly.
Once everyone had finally taken their seats, soft music started up and the groomspeople started walking down the aisle.
First was Mary, who was walking with Peter. After them came Marlene and Dorcas. Regulus let out a small sound seeing her. They had been best friends at Hogwarts but she had forgotten about him, just like everyone else. After them were the best man and the maid of honour.
Regulus braced himself for seeing James, but nothing could have prepared him for that. James looked so… so happy. He almost seemed to glow.
Next to him was Lily, whom Regulus barely spared a glance for, but when he did look, he could see that she looked beautiful. Looking at her, seeing her have everything that Regulus ever wanted hurt so much more than he was expecting. A burdened tear slipped out.
He quickly looked back at James.
Regulus had almost forgotten about James's light, the way he made everyone around him happier, without even trying. He smiled and it lit up the world. His laugh could have cured any illness, the sound was so beautiful.
But what he missed most about James was the way he loved. So thoroughly, unconditionally, never stopping or doubting or distrusting anyone he loved. To be loved by James was a great honour, it was like being loved by the sun. For now is forever with you is what James would tell Regulus, over and over, even more than he would say I love you.
That was a lie, though that was because of Regulus, not James.
James and Lily finally reached the altar and split, Lily going to Remus’s side and James to Sirius's.
Then came Remus. He admittedly looked quite handsome, but no one could even compare to his, well Lily's, James.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Sirius stepped out onto the aisle. Immediately, Regulus knew that it would be okay. Regulus had never seen Sirius so uncontrollably happy. He was beaming so much it must have hurt his face, it just looked uncomfortable, honestly. Regulus couldn't help but laugh at that, a soft snort slipping out.
Sirius walked quickly to the front, obviously very eager to marry Remus. After reaching the altar his smile grew, almost impossibly, bigger.
The ceremony couldn't have been more perfect. The officiant spoke for a short while then Sirius and Remus spoke their vows. Remus went first and Regulus honestly didn't listen much but there were several crying people so Regulus assumed they were good. After he had finished, Sirius took a breath and started his vows.
‘Hi, Moony.’ He started, classically Sirius. ‘If you went and told 13-year-old me that in 7 years I was here, marrying the love of my life, Remus John Lupin he would have choked on his own spit, spluttered something about only liking women and ran off in pure terror.’ The crowd laughed. ‘But if I could tell 13-year-old me one thing, I would tell him to let life take him where life wants him to go because most of the time, life knows what it's doing. It brought me to you Moony, and I will always thank it for that. You were there for my lowest lows and my highest highs. We have laughed together, cried together, fallen apart and slowly grown back together. When I thought I had no one, I always had you. I love you more than I love myself and I always will. Everything I do is because of you. I love you. I love you forever. My Moony.’
Regulus was crying, he realised.
If Sirius's happiness walking down the aisle hadn't solidified that he was happy, those vows did. Sirius would be okay. He had Remus and James and Peter and Lily, Mary, Marlene, Dorcas, so many people who loved him. He didn't need Regulus. To most people, this would make them sad but all Regulus could feel was pure, unadulterated relief.
He didn't have any reason to be alive any more. And that made him happy. The officiant spoke again and Remus and Sirius kissed when given the cue to. They were wed.
That was when Regulus's glamours stopped working. He was very clearly him. Luckily, Sirius was only looking at Remus, so in love.
Unluckily, James wasn’t. James was scanning the crowd and of course, he locked eyes with Regulus. Not a single flicker of recognition flitted across his eyes and James waved politely before looking away.
Tears started to stream down his face and he excused himself quietly before he slipped off from the ceremony and fucking ran. He didn’t realise how much that would hurt. James not knowing anything when Regulus remembered it all. Every second, every breath Regulus was cursed with remembering.
He ran until he remembered that he was magic and he apparated to the first place he could think of, a small clearing just west of the village that he lived in. He frantically pulled out the fast-acting and painless poison that he had brought with him and drank it before he could think anything of it. That was the plan after all.
His world slowly started to go black and the last thing he thought was please tell me I meant something to someone. Forever right?
Regulus star was especially bright that night.
***
ONE WEEK LATER
‘So James, you’re sure you saw a family member of mine at the wedding?’ Sirius checked for what seemed like the 300th time.
‘Well, like I already said, I don't actually know what your family members look like but he looked like a mini version of you so…’ James replied for like the millionth time.
‘I just really don't know who that could be! The only family member I have that fits that description is… well is dead, so that's rather improbable eh?’ Sirius said with a slightly forced laugh.
‘Pads…’ Remus began to interrupt but Sirius waved it off.
‘Anyway, does anyone have the paper?’ Sirius asked. Remus turned to look at him incredulously. ‘What? I read the paper!’ He said in offence.
‘Literally, when was the last time you voluntarily read the paper?’ Remus asked, seeming genuinely curious.
‘Well I mean…’ Sirius began but James had stopped listening in favour of looking to find the paper. When he finally found it he gasped in recognition at the photo on the front page.
‘Hey! Hey Sirius this is the guy I saw at your-’ James cut off so abruptly that Sirius and Remus's heads swung around in unison.
‘What!?’ Sirius demanded immediately.
‘I- wait Sirius don’t!’ James shouted as Sirius ripped the paper from his hands.
‘Oh come on James, it can't be that bad.’ Sirius said then he glanced down at the paper and read the glaring headline.
BLACK HEIR BODY FINALLY DISCOVERED
Sirius let out a sound so broken that Remus could have sworn that he died a bit listening to him. As Sirius started to frantically read the paper tears started to slip uncontrollably down his face.
The heir to the noble house of black Regulus black was presumed dead just over 3 months ago and authorities have only finally discovered the body. It was found in a small clearing by one Amila Cane who immediately summoned the Ministry of Magic to properly deal with the situation. After the body was taken into custody, doctors ran several tests to discover the cause of young Black's death and were shocked to find that black had only died last week, due to a fast-acting poison that seemed to have been taken willingly, due to no signs of struggle on the body. The story behind blacks unfortunate end remains unclear, but the dark mark of he-who-must-not-be-named was very prominent on his arm, seemingly covered in scratches and cuts, and as a follower of Voldemort with no remaining family, though a death is always tragic, it seems blacks death was a blessing to us all. Read the full story and Amila Canes' statement on page 6.
‘One week. One week. He died one week ago. He came to my wedding. He came. He got the invite so he came. To my wedding. He was there.’ Sirius said in complete and utter panic.
‘Sirius it's okay…’ Remus said in a soothing tone but Sirius interrupted almost incredulously.
‘What the fuck are you talking about Remus? This is not okay. NONE OF THIS IS OKAY!’ Sirius was suddenly yelling. ‘My little brother died a week ago! One week! He killed himself. Because I wasn't there ! He had scratches on his fucking dark mark! He didn't want that. He didn't want any of this. That should have been me! I SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT. I shouldn't have left my little brother. ‘ Black's death was a blessing to us all’ . He had no one. And James!’ Sirius turned suddenly on his best friend, his other half, to James, feeling so, so alone. ‘You saw him. You fucking SAW him. How could you not recognise him?’ Sirius screamed.
‘I’m so sorry Sirius but I’ve only met him once, years ago, how was I to know what he looked like?’ James said desperately.
‘Really?’ Sirius said, suddenly deadly quiet. ‘You're still keeping that up? He's dead James. You don’t have to keep your fucking secret anymore.’ Sirius spat, furious.
‘What secret? I don't know Regulus. I only had one proper interaction with him on the train in the second year. I don't even remember what he looks like, clearly.’ James said, barely grasping at where this conversation was going. This time it was Remus who turned to look at him.
‘What do you mean James? You and Regulus dated from the end of the 5th year to halfway through the 7th. You were in love. ’ Remus said, also seemingly lost.
‘In love?! What are you talking about? I've only ever loved Lily. Plus I'm straight.’ James replied, so very confused. Sirius spoke to him again.
‘Have you been confunded? What is wrong with you? Is my baby brother that forgettable?’ Sirius scoffed. ‘What happened to “For now is forever with you’’ Wasn’t that your thing?’
‘I don’t-’ Suddenly James' head hurt so bad he thought it might split open. He screamed and dropped to his knees. Sirius’s anger dissipated in an instant, immediately concerned.
‘James! James, what's wrong!?’ Sirius demanded frantically.
‘I- I remember now.’ James said through gritted teeth before passing out.
***
JAMES’S MEMORIES
James would always remember the first time he saw Regulus.
It was September 1st, 1972 and they were just boarding the train for their second year of Hogwarts. He had settled in a compartment with Peter and Remus.
‘James! Come meet my brother!’ Sirius called before entering the compartment towing a smaller boy in behind him.
‘Siri stop it! I can walk perfectly fine on my own,’ came a sharp, annoyed voice from behind Sirius, but to James, it was oh so lovely.
‘Shut up Reggie,’ Sirius threw over his shoulder to the younger boy. ‘James, Remus, Peter, this is my baby brother Regulus.’
‘I am not your baby brother Sirius, you are 7 months older than me,’ Regulus said in that same lovely voice.
James cut in before Sirius could start arguing with his brother. ‘Hello Regulus!’ He said brightly, ‘I’m James.’
Regulus looked at him and a strange warm feeling washed over James' body and something fluttery came alive in his stomach. ‘I know who you are,’ Regulus replied coldly before sitting down in the corner.
Regulus didn't speak much for the rest of the trip but James knew that they would be great friends.
Unfortunately, these dreams were shattered almost immediately after they arrived at Hogwarts. Regulus was sorted into Slytherin. Oh no. James saw Sirius’ face fall and all the hope seemed to leave him. James guessed that they would never be friends after all.
*
James knew the exact moment he realized he was in love with Regulus.
It was November 24th, 1975 and there was a huge quidditch match between Slytherin and Ravenclaw.
James had already had a very weird day that started with a letter from his parents. The letter was so confusing that James was still wondering what on earth had brought it on. It had read:
My James, (that was always how his mother started he letters to him)
Your father and I meant to have this conversation this summer, but with everything going on, it completely slipped our minds. We want to remind you that you can love whoever you want, whether it girls or boys. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that and you would do good to remember that. Love is love and fate has a mind of its own. We hope that the school year has been well and your lessons are going easily.
Much love,
Mum
James had already known this, of course, but he had never been told so formally before. He had spoken to Remus about it and Remus had grimaced slightly before forcing a smile and changing the subject.
James had not let it go that easily. He immediately demanded what was wrong and after a bit of pestering Remus finally admitted that he didn’t like girls, not any of them. James was understandably shocked but was quick to reassure Remus that that was perfectly okay. Of course, after dropping that bomb Remus went on to explain that he was quite terribly and inextricably in love with one Sirius Black. James had laughed at that because it just made so much sense.
Needless to say, it had definitely been one of the more interesting days. The marauders and crew arrived almost 10 minutes early to that match because he would be damned if he ever missed a second of a quidditch match.
They found reasonably good seats but James would have much preferred to be higher up because they were much too close to the ground. Soon after they had settled, Marlene started up bets on who everyone thought would win. James thought that was obvious. Slytherin would crush Ravenclaw easily.
When he said so Sirius looked up.
‘Why’d you think that Prongs?’ Sirius asked.
‘Oh well I mean Reg’s easily the best seeker of the century and-’ He cut off when he realized what he had said. ‘Erm I mean their chasers are very strong and the keeper is…’ he trailed off again when he saw Sirius glaring at him.
‘ Reg ? Reg is the best seeker of the century ?’ Sirius said, sounding furious.
‘Well he’s quite good I think,’ said James carefully.
‘Oh sure he’s great,’ Sirius said flippantly. ‘My question is why you just called him Reg.’
‘I mean it’s just easier than saying Regulus, like shorter y’know? It just kinda slipped out. Sorry,’ James mumbled. Sirius looked at him suspiciously but let it go.
‘Anyway, I think that Ravenclaw might actually…’ Sirius continued on his rant about the Ravenclaw keeper but James tuned him out. The truth was that James had called him Reg because him and Regulus were friends. Good friends (though Regulus would never admit that).
It had all started when James stumbled into the astronomy tower one night at the same time as Regulus and he just kept coming back. He really liked Regulus honestly and still got that warm feeling when he looked at him though he still didn’t know what it meant.
James was pulled out of his thoughts by the announcer saying that the match was beginning. They announced the Ravenclaw team first and after they had all come out, they moved on to Slytherin. As always the seeker came last.
‘And finally, Regulus Black playing seeker.’ Reg flew out onto the pitch and James’ stomach fucking dropped . He looked so incredibly hot on a broom. Regulus scanned the crowd before locking eyes with James. Regulus gave James a small smile, just for him, before looking away, ready to start the match.
But that smile had done a lot to James. He finally realized what the warm feeling in his gut was.
Oh fuck, he thought, I’m in love with Regulus Black.
*
The first time he kissed Regulus was not until months later.
It was March 27th, his birthday and he had slipped away from the party that the marauders had thrown for him to go see Regulus. He was, quite frankly, drunk.
When he arrived at the astronomy tower, he found Regulus lying on his back and looking at the stars. It was silly really because the brightest star wasn't in the sky, it was on the floor of the astronomy tower.
‘Hey Reg,’ James said. Regulus turned to look at him.
‘Hi Jamie,’ he replied. James got the familiar thrill, partly from the attention and partly because of the nickname. James giggled and sat next to Regulus with an almost comedic thump . James laughed again. ‘Are you… drunk?’ Regulus asked sitting up and twisting to fully look at him.
‘Yup,’ James said, popping the p. This time it was Regulus who laughed. James grinned. He loved being able to make Regulus laugh. He seems so cold and distant on the outside but when he lets you in he is the sweetest person you would ever meet, with his dry humour and adorable little laugh. ‘I love your laugh,’ James whispered with a sigh.
‘Do you, now?’
‘Yeah,’ he said, sighing again. ‘I love your laugh and your smile and the way you look when you play quidditch and-’ James could have gone on but Regulus cut him off.
‘You’re drunk James,’ Regulus said exasperatedly
‘Still be true if I was sober,’ James mumbled. Regulus laughed again.
‘No it wouldn’t,’ he said. James looked at him with concern written across his face. ‘If you were sober you would be spending time with your friends who you actually enjoy spending time with, or with a girl like Lily Evans or-’ Regulus was rambling so James took it to cut him off.
‘Can I kiss you?’ James asked. Regulus froze.
‘What?’ he responded, stunned.
‘Can I kiss you?’ James repeated. Regulus blinked rapidly.
‘You want to kiss… me?’ He asked, dumbfounded.
‘Yeah,’ James whispered. ‘I have since November.’
‘I- um yeah. Yeah, you can,’ Regulus said equally as quietly.
So he did.
*
The last memory James has of Regulus was on February 3rd, 1978, halfway through his 7th year.
The day started well. He had transfiguration first thing which always made him happy, as it was his favourite subject. At lunch had gotten to see all his friends to catch up for the first time in a while because everyone was so busy with newts.
He was still in a good mood when he started the trek up to the astronomy tower that night.
When he got there, he saw that Reg was standing, instead of lying on the ground like he usually did. He was pacing back and forth, twisting his hands together. He had been crying.
‘Reg, baby, what's wrong?’ James said immediately. ‘Come on, talk to me.’ Regulus turned to him.
‘I- I can’t,’ Regulus stuttered crying again.
‘Okay, okay baby sit down, it's okay.’ James said, trying desperately to understand.
‘No, I-,’ Regulus couldn't seem to find the words so instead he walked slowly towards James. When he was stood in front of him he took a deep shuddering breath and then rolled up his left sleeve.
James froze.
Branded on Regulus' arm was the unmistakable dark mark of Voldemort. ‘What did you do?’ James whispered.
‘They made me get it over the Christmas break,’ Regulus breathed, still shaking. ‘I didn't have a choice, I would have been killed, or they would have gotten Sirius back and made him get it, and I can't let that happen. I didn't want them going to your house, also, because that may have put you and your family in danger and-’ once again James cut him off.
‘Okay. Alright. It's going to be fine. We just have to get you out of there. You can come stay at Potter Manor and then we can tell Sirius that we're dating and it will all be alright.’ James said with so much conviction that he almost believed himself.
‘No James,’ Regulus said, looking so sad . ‘I can't leave. I can't risk you or Sirius. Or, fuck even Effie and Monty would be in danger. Plus Remus and Peter and all the others if they found out that I was with you.’
‘I'm not going anywhere until you're safe,’ said James, absolutely certain this time.
‘I know,’ Regulus whispered. ‘But you're not gonna know I exist.’
Time stopped. James understood in an instant what Regulus was going to do. The February air seemed to get 20 degrees colder in a second and fear flooded James' entire body. ‘Regulus no-’
‘I'm sorry James. I love you more than you'll ever know. I guess for now really wasn't forever for us.’ Regulus said. He raised his wand.
‘Reg i lo-’
‘Obliviate.’
***
Nothing was okay after James woke up.
He fell quickly into a deep depression. He pushed away everyone he loved. He could no longer tell the difference between reality and imagination, dreams and hallucinations. He was admitted to a special ward in the hospital but he didn't know the name. Something like ‘ the ward for mentally challenged folks that none of us give a shit about and want to get rid of’.
The worst part was his dreams. Every night, he dreamed of Regulus. Somethings had actually happened he thinks and some were fabrications, but James could no longer tell the difference. Sometimes it was nice things. He dreamed of Reg’s smile, his laugh, the way he lit up when he talked about the stars. He dreamed about the legend of Achilles and Patroclus. Regulus loved that one. Some dreams were bad. He would dream about the last night he saw Regulus, he would dream of Regulus calling him a traitor for being with Lily. He dreamed about Regulus loving someone else. He dreamed about Regulus turning to Voldemort. He dreamed about Regulus being tortured by Walburga. And he dreamed about Regulus dying. Over and over, Regulus died. And over and over, there was nothing James could do to help him. He woke up shaking multiple times a night. He took dreamless sleep potions. They did nothing.
James did everything he could to stay alive. Regulus would have wanted that. But in the end, he failed. He had failed at a lot of things. The article in The Daily Prophet didn't make the front page like Regulus’s did. It was a tiny thing, on the back page. It went like this:
POTTER HEIR COMMITTED SUICIDE
James Potter, the heir to the Potter line, committed suicide last night. He had been staying in Saint Mungos for 3 months at this point for a reason that the Daily Prophet hasn't had access to, but we speculate was brain damage or insanity. This morning, he was dead and after checking his wand, we can confirm it was suicide. Potter was a low-ranking member of the Order of the Phoenix and fought bravely in the war. His widow, Lily Evans denied comment when asked about her late husband. May Potter rest in peace, he will be missed by many.
***
Sirius, Euphemia, Fleamont, Lily and many others were never the same after James’s death. The whole world felt colder with his absence.
It seemed the sun had gone out.