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Our coming-of-age has come and gone
Suddenly the summer, it's clear
I never had the courage of my convictions
As long as danger is near
The summer Regulus turned fifteen, everything in his life shifted.
His older brother, Sirius, left home and didn’t look back. His parents did not take his brother’s departure well. They burned Sirius off the family tree tapestry and effectively disowned him. Regulus was now an only child as far they were concerned. This put all the pressure of being the heir to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black on his shoulders.
He didn’t blame his brother though; after all, Regulus would have left too if he could have. Unfortunately, that was never an option for him. Where Sirius was always rebellious, Regulus was always obedient. Where Sirius did everything unconventionally, Regulus did what was expected without complaint or hesitation.
And it's just around the corner, darling
'Cause it lives in me
No, I could never give you peace
That’s why on his fifteenth birthday when he was asked to get the Dark Mark, he did so. A party was hosted in his honor and the Dark Lord himself was in attendance. When it came time to do what was expected of him, Regulus did exactly that.
So he was shocked when he returned to school in September and found something unexpected: the butterflies he used to get around James Potter hadn’t gone away. They made a return despite his resentment for the boy (James was his older brother’s best friend, with whom Sirius now lived). Actually, said butterflies had become worse—now, instead of just a fleeting flutter in his chest, they moved through his whole body anytime he so much as caught a glimpse of the Gryffindor boy. He tried to push his feelings away, really, he did.
But I'm a fire, and I'll keep your brittle heart warm
If your cascade ocean wave blues come
James Potter fancied his best friend’s brother. Of course, Sirius didn’t know this; it was probably the one thing James kept secret from his best friend. James would steal glances at Regulus from across the Great Hall when he was sure Sirius was too busy with Remus to notice.
One night when James couldn’t sleep, he slipped on his invisibility cloak and wandered up to the astronomy tower. As he entered the tower from the stairs, he heard sniffles and saw a familiar shape leaning against the railing, head in their hands. Regulus was clearly crying and James thought it strange to see the normally stoic boy releasing so much emotion. Without a second thought, he shed his cloak and approached Regulus with caution.
Regulus froze when he heard the shuffle of footsteps approaching him. A voice spoke as he quickly wiped his face and gathered his thoughts, “Reg? Are you okay?”
Regulus’ eyes widened as he realized who it was. “James? What are you doing here?” he asked with a coldness in his voice that was instantly vanished by the look on James’ face.
James didn’t say anything. Instead, his arms reached for Regulus, who found himself being drawn into a hug and didn’t stop it from happening. He forgot all about the walls he’d been constructing to keep James Potter out.
This was the first of countless late-night astronomy tower rendezvous between the pair.
All these people think love's for show
But I would die for you in secret
The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me
Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?
When Regulus returned home for the holidays, he bottled up all his feelings for James and buried them deep within himself. By day he again did what was expected of him, but by night he stayed up to write poems and letters for James. He never sent them, just hid them under his mattress.
When they returned to school in January their meetings resumed, but Regulus never showed his writings to James. The rest of the school year continued in much the same way. Stolen glances in the Great Hall, longing looks across the quidditch pitch, and secret midnight meetings in the tower.
Your integrity makes me seem small
You paint dreamscapes on the wall
James and Regulus were separated again when summer came.
I talk s___ with my friends
James spent the summer causing mischief with his friends. They spent the days lazing about his parents' house, playing quidditch, listening to Queen and Bowie, and taking trips to the beach. Every night, he looked up at the stars and thought of Regulus. He couldn’t wait to be reunited in September for more starry nights together.
It's like I'm wasting your honor
Regulus spent the summer learning how to be a proper Death Eater. He perfected the unforgivable curses, received his mask, and moved up in the ranks. He did what was expected of him. Every night, he looked up at the stars and thought of James. He wrestled with guilt and then poured all his feelings into another page, added to the pile of writings that would never be sent to James.
And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences
Sit with you in the trenches
Give you my wild, give you a child
Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other
Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother
Is it enough?
The next September came, and they returned to Hogwarts. James tried catching Regulus’ eye during the sorting ceremony, but Regulus kept his gaze firmly on his plate.
After about a month of visiting the tower nearly every night with no sign of Regulus, James finally cornered him in an empty corridor one day. “Reg, where have you been?” he asked with a sense of urgency and hurt.
The crack in James’ voice was enough to break Regulus’ icy demeanor. His eyes softened and he dragged the older boy into an empty classroom nearby. Regulus finally met James’ eyes and spoke softly, “James, I—”
His words were cut short as warm lips brushed against his. He leaned into the kiss, forgetting to hide away his feelings. A tear rolled down his cheek.
They broke apart after a moment and James pressed their foreheads together. “I’m here for you, Reg. You aren’t going to get rid of me that easily,” he whispered tenderly.
They started meeting at the tower again, and the months leading up to Christmas passed much like the school year before.
But there's robbers to the east, clowns to the west
When Regulus went home for the holidays this time, he was told he would finish his sixth year at school but not return for his seventh. The Dark Lord had taken a liking to him and had plans to use him. Regulus knew from the beginning that his relationship with James was risky, but this news made him realize that it couldn’t continue at all. It would put James in too much danger as Regulus grew closer to the Dark Lord. His mind made up, Regulus spent the rest of the holiday reconstructing his walls.
I'd give you my sunshine, give you my best
Unbeknownst to Regulus, James spent the holidays gradually realizing that he loved him. After reaching this conclusion, he knew he couldn’t hide his feelings from Sirius anymore. On Christmas Eve, he confessed everything to his best friend.
Sirius barked a laugh, "Yeah, you're not that subtle, mate." But then his grin faltered as if he only just absorbed the implications of his best friend's confession. He shook his head and asked, "Wait, what? You mean Reg actually likes you back and you've been seeing each other for that long?"
James smiled sheepishly and scratched the back of his neck as he did a combination of a shrug and a nod. Sirius must have sensed James’ nerves because he took a breath before continuing in a gentler tone, "Are you sure about this, Prongs? It's just... I don't know if he'll choose you over them."
James held Sirius’ gaze and spoke softly, “I’m sure, Pads.”
But the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me
When Regulus entered the Astronomy Tower the first night back at Hogwarts, James was already there, a smile radiating like sunshine on his face. James said he loved him. Regulus said he could never love a blood traitor like James and watched as his sunshine faded. Though it pained him, he left James sobbing in the starlight.
They avoided each other for the rest of the school year. Regulus received cold looks from Sirius from across the Great Hall at meal times. James received warm smiles and comfort from Sirius sitting next to him. James and Sirius graduated. Regulus went home without a word to either of them.
But I'm a fire, and I'll keep your brittle heart warm
If your cascade ocean wave blues come
Regulus did what was expected of him. By day he obeyed the Dark Lord and completed missions. By night he looked at the stars and thought of his sun.
He never attempted to contact Sirius or James.
After a couple of years, Regulus grew close enough to the Dark Lord to learn his biggest secret, one that could be his undoing. He discovered what he needed to do to stop the Dark Lord from growing more powerful. He only confided in his house elf, Kreacher, who was his only real friend after leaving Hogwarts.
All these people think love's for show
But I would die for you in secret
Regulus should have known, by the lack of sunshine the morning he entered the cave. He should have known, but he didn’t. It was cold, and it was dark. Everything went wrong in an instant. The clammy damp hands clawed at him, and as he was pulled into the depths of the underground lake,
Regulus’ last thoughts were of James.
The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me
Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?
Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?
Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?