Chapter 11
"Do I bother you?"
Regulus jumped at the foreign voice that he heard coming from behind him.
He looked back and saw Remus carrying his tools and instinctively smiled.
It was a good day.
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It was a beautiful day so they had decided to go for a walk.
The sun was higher in the sky and there was a breeze that made everything cooler, so James and his brother had suggested to go to the park for a bit, where they could unload their energy while he could read something.
The park was near James' house, a fifteen minute walk and it had been very peaceful. James sometimes went up to him to take his hand and shake it, then giving him a pat on the nose, like the sweet couple he had always seen on internet, but then Sirius saw him and decided to ruin everything pretended to get angry at his best friend.
So he started chasing him, trying to get him and stop him deflower his little, innocent, brother.
It was a hilarious scene, perhaps embarrassing for those who saw them from the outside.
But Regulus didn't care.
He hadn't had this much fun in a long time.
He felt his cheeks ache from the effort of keeping his smile on for so long.
He finally felt alive.
And James. James was wonderful to be around.
Perfect. A dream. An illusion.
He still couldn't understand how a person like him could exist but after living in his house for a month he could understand where all that sweetness he felt towards the world came from.
"Reg, help me" James started screaming trying to get away from his 'angry' brother.
Regulus laughed heartily.
"Siri! Leave him alone"
Sirius froze.
He hasn't called him like this in a long time.
It was nice.
And Sirius thought so too.
"I'll leave him alone if that's what you ask of me" he said holding out his arm and, if a short time ago he would have been hesitant about physical contact, now he knew he could trust his brother.
He took it without the slightest hesitation and the smile his brother gave him would have been enough to radiate the world.
Yes, Regulus felt happy that day.
But he was not quite alright yet.
He managed to silence the constant thoughts in his head for a few hours, but it wasn't enough.
These returned at night to torment him.
The nightmares became more and more frequent, so much so that he even started screaming and sweating until he cried.
He could see his mother's hand with red-lacquered nails, taking him and locking him in the closet while he screamed until his throat was dry for mercy.
He screamed that he didn't want to be in the dark.
That he was claustrophobic.
That he was hungry.
That he was thirsty.
That he was sorry.
Until he fainted due to lack of oxygen.
He could see his father's strap coming down relentlessly on his legs where the mark would be least visible.
You could see the hours spent at the piano, with sore and bloody fingers, the baton always in the hand of his mother who beat relentlessly on his knuckles.
His brother always rushed into his room, scared to death, pale and climbed next to him into the bed, hugging him tightly and whispering words of comfort.
It had happened for the last four nights and now they had decided to sleep together.
An unwritten rule between brothers.
They would support each other in times of need.
The first time he had such a bad nightmare he felt so bad that he puked in the bathroom next to him.
He had spent hours recovering, hunched over the toilet with Sirius running a comforting hand over his back.
He felt like a small child experiencing the world for the first time.
He felt weak.
He struggled to stand up, the tremors were too many.
Usually they helped him, supported him, and he felt helpless.
Effie had told him it was normal.
His mind was giving itself time to relax and this had caused memories he had kept segregated inside his brain to resurface.
And this was the result.
He wanted to disappear.
He didn't want to remember.
The memories hurt.
Effie had said that his dissociative behavior was also to blame.
It didn't allow him to absorb his emotions as well as they should have.
There had been tense and strange days after those nights of pure terror.
Sirius kept looking at him sideways and James treated him like a porcelain doll.
He felt worse and worse, more and more fragile, more and more wrong until he burst into tears again and James took him in his arms, kissing him on the forehead, comforting him.
Then he shared a cup of tea with Effie who reassured him again that nightmares were normal things, because he didn't believe it. He couldn't believe it.
How something so wrong was normal?
She reassured him about the fact that she had also had many nightmares in the past.
That they were a response to a fragile emotional state, but not because of Regulus himself but because of the wild life he had lived up until now.
She also told him that they would make sure he got them through.
If perhaps he had confronted someone who had gone through the same trauma as him - Sirius - and let himself open a little it would most likely have given his mind something to focus on and deal with.
It didn't seem like something bad to him.
So he had talked about it with Sirius.
He asked him if he wanted to try it with him.
He had expected a denial.
A no.
Because they weren't easy things to share.
Instead his brother had accepted immediately.
He had also been very happy that Regulus had decided to ask to him.
Sirius almost started crying.
So they talked about how they felt.
How Walburga had ruined both of them, in different ways.
Sirius had told him that he tried to appear strong, independent and determined but that in reality he too had repeatedly sought their mother's approval without ever receiving it.
They had both been looking for love from someone who wouldn't give it to them.
Never.
As much as they could try, overdo it, be perfect.
They would always be wrong.
They would have died wrong.
Sirius had figured it out before him.
For Regulus it would still take some time.
Then they had decided that Sirius would sleep in Regulus' bed for a few days.
Just to be sure.
Regulus had felt very embarrassed, he felt like a child again, but no one had said anything bad about their arrangement, they had just smiled and continued with the conversation.
Like it's none of their business.
As if they could actually decide what to do.
It had never happened to Regulus.
Everything was ordered to him.
Everything was decided.
Nothing left to chance.
And if it didn't go well he would have had an adequate punishment.
That's how it worked.
So he didn't understand how it worked in that house.
He didn't understand how-
It was all so weird.
Effie had also advised them to spend time together.
And that the sun would be good for Regulus's too-light complexion.
He had always spent his free time at home.
His outings were limited since his brother had left.
They couldn't let the same thing happen to him.
They couldn't afford Regulus to meet someone like James Potter and maybe run away.
Fate didn't want it that way.
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"Of course" he smiled at Remus who struggled to sit down next to him.
Regulus didn't ask any questions.
It wasn't any of his business and it didn't seem nice to him.
"I have a bone problem, beginnings of arthritis"
"Oh I didn't mean to seem rude-"
"You weren't Regulus, in fact you were very indifferent and for this I thank you. But it seemed right to me to tell you. Besides here - he said pointing to his cheek - they made me fall as a child. I was on a bicycle when a man pushed me down the hill, he had argued with my father. He almost made me blind"
He said again, causing silence to fall on their conversation, the wind moving the branches of the trees and the grass beneath them caressing them gently.
"It must have been horrible, I'm sorry, you were just a child"
Remus just smiled.
James and Sirius passed again, making perhaps their fifth tour of that park.
It was impossible and inconceivable for Regulus to have all that energy.
“Believe me, I've been dealing with them for a long time and yes, they are machines that never get tired”
Regulus chuckled as he imagined James as a machine.
James was better than a machine.
Now that he saw him sweating, with drops of sweat falling from his hair, onto his torso and his shirt sticking to him, he felt a strange urgency coming from his lower abdomen.
After that day spent together they had never tried anything similar again and he were anxiously awaiting something.
He wanted to do more.
He wanted to try more.
He wanted to show James that he could give him more.
He wanted to make him feel everything that was most impure she could give him.
But these thoughts were also curbed.
Was it really good-?
“Remus”
The boy whispered
“Hm” Remus had started to create something from a red ball of wool, and was intent on his work.
“Can I- can I ask you something? You can not answer me if you want"
He didn't want to be heard by James or Sirius.
He didn't want Sirius to get offended and he had already talked about it with James.
He didn't want him to think his opinion was worth less than Remus's.
But he needed him too.
He needed some more reassurance.
His world had been turned upside down the moment he saw James Potter and he still didn't understand how it could have happened.
He had to be told it was okay.
A life of denial, a life of trying to fight against those feelings and less than two hours of making everything fall apart.
He felt his head explode.
“Of course Regulus, don't worry” the boy smiled at him, putting the irons down and concentrating completely on him.
“I know okay-? Don't be offended okay? I don't- I don't want you to think-“ he looked at how far away he was from the boy.
Would Remus have hurt him if he had gotten angry?
Would Regulus have time to move from his punch?
Or maybe he deserved it?
“Reg, look at me” he was panicking “ask me whatever you want, I promise not to get offended or angry or do anything to you”
Regulus nodded.
Before taking courage.
“Are you- have you always been gay? I mean, yes, you were - but aware? Were you- were you okay?” He said in a whisper, closing his eyes.
He didn't want to see his reaction.
When he felt a hand rest on his shoulder he almost jumped in fright, but the touch was gentle, sweet, not angry.
“Oh Reg, hum, I have- I have- I have always been aware. Since I was a child. I've never felt any attraction to a girl, even in the movies or cartoons I watched, I've never found any female who took me on."
He explained slowly and Regulus began to relax.
He nodded at Remus who continued his speech.
“But that doesn't make it easy. You feel somehow different when you see your friends talking about their girlfriends - especially when you're little and don't understand that whatever you feel is okay."
It made sense.
He too had asked himself the same questions when he was younger.
“But as we grow up, you have to understand for yourself that it's bad to feel wrong about something that you can't change. To fell wrong for something that you are. Because this is who you are inside and it's bad to repress it, do you understand?”
He started nodding and thought that yes, it would be easier to just let go without thinking about consequences.
“You can't please everyone Reg, we weren't born to make people like us. The people who care about us, like us by default, and accept us as we are. If this doesn't happen it means it's time to move on with that person. We don't have to change for anyone and no one should allow us to feel bad about anything."
"Yes but-"
“I know it's easier said than done, I know you constantly feel like you're wrong but eventually this feeling goes away, as soon as you get used to it, as soon as you find people you're good with. What doesn't go away is feeling wrong because of a person who, instead of making us feel loved, does nothing but create paranoia."
“Okay but how do I do it? How do I make her shut up? To get it out of my head?”
His gaze softened.
“You remind me so much of Sirius Regulus, you can't imagine”
He shook his head.
Sirius was normal.
Sirius was healthy.
Sirius was a hero.
His hero.
He was brave.
Fair.
Right.
“All of us are normal Regulus; We all deserve someone who makes us feel good. With me and James and Peter, Sirius managed to feel good, you too will find someone who will make you feel good too, and I think you have already found him" said Remus pointing to James with his head and a sly smile framing his face .
“We are here Regulus, for whatever you need we are here. If you need comfort, if you need to feel loved, understood, to be reassured, we are here. For you. Don't close yourself anymore."
Regulus didn't know if Remus wanted to say something else because he was interrupted by his brother's laughter as he approached.
“Reeeeeggieeee!!! Give me a hug!” He screamed.
“Eww you're all sweaty and smelly, go away!” Regulus laughed as he stood up and walked away from his brother who wanted to get closer.
Yes, maybe he could change.
Maybe he really found peace.