I find it hard to say the things I want to say the most. Find a little bit of steady as I get close. I'm trying to find a balance in the middle of the chaos.
He sends me low, sends me high, sends me never. Makes me feel like a demigod
I remember walking in the cold of November with my brother and his friends. It was a nice day and we had decided to take a walk around the Black Lake. James and Lily were up ahead, walking with their hands swaying together. Remus, Sirius and Peter were talking about some upcoming prank. I was walking slower than the rest, while looking at them. They all seem so happy.
I stare at Remus, my crush of 2 years. He’s wearing a big sweater and baggy pants. He looks so effortlessly good. He laughs at something Sirius says and I watch as his neck stretches back, the way his curls shake.
I’m hoping that I make it to the end of December, spending so much time with him. I just have to make it to winter break. James, Sirius, Lily, Regulus and I will be going home. Peter will be going home, but he’ll probably visit. Remus…
I don’t know what Remus is doing for the break.
“Hey”
I look up to see Remus, speak of the devil, hanging back to walk with me.
“Oh, hey!” he starts to walk next to me and we fall into a comfortable silence. That's the thing with Remus, I’m always so comfortable around him. He makes me feel safe.
Twenty-seven years and the end of my mind, but
Holding to the thought of another time, but
“Hey, what are you doing for the Holiday break?” I ask him.
He looks over at me with a confused look on his face, “I’m coming to your house, didn’t James tell you?”
No. my idiot brother had not informed me of this development. Because he had no regard for my mental stability when it comes to spending 2 weeks in the same house as my crush.
I realized I was staring. “Oh- no, he didn’t tell me,” I kept walking.
Remus chuckled, “yeah I’m spending christmas with you guys, my mom is in america for her health. Something about doctors over there having a new procedure or some shit like that,” I hadn’t known that before, so I looked up at Remus. I hope she’s not too sick.
Remus must've read my face because he put up his hands, “No, no, she’s not deathly ill. She just has an autoimmune disease that she needs medicine for. Apparently the doctors here don't have it.”
“Oh! Good, I’m glad she’s okay.”
“Yeah.”
We fell into that wonderful silence again. We were close to getting back to the castle and we caught up to the rest of the group quickly as we all headed to the great hall for dinner.
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Looking to the ways of the ones before me. Looking for the path of the young and lonely. How had James dealt with living with his crush for so long. When Regulus had first run away a year after Sirius, he had come to live with us. James at the time had a raving crush on him, and I still don’t know how James managed to convince Regulus to go out with him, much less date him and lily. But they made it work.
But for that summer, when Regulus was living with us, I don’t understand how James could stand it. Being so near him all the time
Because this past week of living with Remus down the hall has been hell.
I wake up in the morning and go to the bathroom, Remus is walking out of the bathroom. I go downstairs to get a snack, Remus is reading at the kitchen counter. I go outside to paint, Remus is outside watching the boys play quidditch.
Everywhere I turn he’s there.
And it's not like he’s mean, or avoiding me, either. Sometimes it feels like he's going out of his way to talk to me, to bump into me. He invites me to do things with them, even when I know he doesn't want to be doing it either.
It’s not like I don’t like his attention, I do, but I wish I had his attention fully. I wish he knew how much I liked it.
I tried talking to Lily about it, but she just told me to confess, saying it worked for her. But this is different. James had been in love with her for years before she accepted him.
Besides, I don't want to hear about what to do. I just wanted her to listen to me. I don't want to do it just to do it for her
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I was sitting on the bench outside reading. Everyone had gone to town to see a movie or something, I wasn’t really sure. All I cared about was that I finally had time alone to just relax and read my book.
I heard the sliding door open and looked up, I thought everyone had left, but clearly I was wrong.
Remus walked, looking around the yard before spotting me and walking over. He was wearing a baggy brown sweater with pale green diamond, and loose fitting beige pants. His hair was damp, like he had just taken a shower, but still had those effortless curls.
Needless to say, he looked good. Too good.
“Hey, I thought you went to town with the rest,” I said as he sat down next to me on the bench.
“Nah, I needed to shower. And I wanted to spend some time with you…”
I felt my eyes widen slightly at that. Why, why, why!?!?!?!?
“Oh?” I chuckle slightly, trying to brush off the blush slowly creeping up my neck.
“Yeah, I feel like I haven’t seen you much the past few days,”
Probably ‘cause I’ve been avoiding him.
“Funny, we’re living in the same house” I laugh, hoping he won’t ask me anything about it.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you something” I look up, wondering what hes gonna say.
“Yeah?”
“Why are you still single?”
“What?!” I was not expecting that. What kind of question is that!
“I mean you haven’t had a partner since second year, right?”
He’s looking at the apple tree next to the bench now.
“Uh, yeah. When Kingsley and I broke up I decided not to date for a while. I guess I just haven’t got back into it.” I looked down and realized how much time had passed. We were in our 6th year and I had had a crush on Remus since 4th year. That’s why I haven’t dated anyone. Sure, I've gotten asked out, but it was never remus.
But he doesn’t need to know that.
“Have you not gotten asked out at all? That seems impossible”
I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, he was looking at me with a soft look in his eye that I couldn't decipher.
“No- I- I have, I just, turned them all down.”
“Why? You deserve so much. You could get any guy you want!”
I looked up at him, startled. He was staring at me.
“...what?”
“You could have any guy you want, you're gorgeous and kind and smart and funny. I’m sure any guy would be ecstatic to take you out.” there's a slight blush creeping over his cheeks, one on mine to match.
I don’t know what I’m doing, but suddenly I’m speaking.
“None of them are you”
REMUS POV
Hello, hello
Let me tell you what it's like to be a zero, zero
Let me show you what it's like to always feel, feel
Like I'm empty and there's nothing really real, real
I'm looking for a way out of this situation. James and Sirius sit in front of me. They cornered me while I was getting ready to shower.
“Hello, hello?”
I realize they are talking and look at James as he starts to speak.
“Remus, this can’t go on.”
“Yeah, you need to tell them” Sirius chimes in.
“What are you guys talking about?”
I know exactly what they are talking about. They’re talking about them. James’s twin sister. Who I've had a massive crush on since 5th year. Sirius knows because I told him when he cornered me at a party. James knows because Sirius can’t keep his fucking mouth shut.
“Come on Moony, you can’t keep this secret forever. Have you seen the way she looks at you?!” James rolls his eyes and leans forward, “you two have been dancing around each other all break, and frankly we all need it to stop.”
I scoff and lean back. “That's absurd.”
James and Sirius blankly stare at me.
“There’s no way she likes me, I mean, look at me!” I couldn’t accept the fact that she might like me back. No reason to get my hopes up for nothing.
“Exactly! Look at you! You’re devilishly handsome!” I roll my eyes at Sirius’s comment.
“Let me tell you what it's like to be a zero, zero. Let me show you what it's like to never feel, feel .Like I'm good enough for anything that's real, real” I stare at my hands, the scars that litter their way all over my body. “No one would want me, and even if she did. It's not safe. You’re never safe enough with me around” these are facts that I've accepted. I always knew it wouldn’t be possible for me to fall in love. To settle down. It’s just not an option.
I'm looking for a way out
READER POV
“None of them are you”
Remus looks at me, “No. No. I’m a monster. You shouldn’t like me. You deserve so much more.” he looks down at his hands. Flexing them.
I watch as the tendons ripple in the back of his hands. I can see the veins on his wrists and his scars lining his hands and arms.
“Remus, I have known you since first year. I have known of your condition since second year. I have been in love with you since fourth year.” He looks up at me, startled. “I know what I feel, what I want and need. It's you.”
“Merlin…” he mutters and then suddenly his lips are on mine. His hands are on my face and mine are in his hair. It's slow and passionate and everything I’ve ever wanted and more.
I pull away when I run out of breath, my lungs screaming for oxygen. Remus’s eyes were still closed and I watched as he took a deep breath. His eyes fluttered open and I stared into his deep green eyes.
“Remus…” I lean my head against his, closing my eyes and breathing deep. He smells like cedar wood, chocolate, and old books. It’s exactly what my amortentia smelled like last year in potions class.
“FINALLY!!!” Remus and I turn quickly to see James and Sirius standing and cheering by the house. My face flushes red and I bury my head in Remus's sweater.
I find it hard to tell you how I want to run away
I understand it always makes you feel a certain way
I find a balance in the middle of the chaos