Home Is Where The Heart Is

Regulus

‘It’s not your time, Regulus Black. Not yet’.

…

‘You should feel honoured, Regulus Black. Only a few have ever waltzed with Death and escaped it’.

…

Regulus snapped up as that last sentence echoed in his head, eyes wide as he gripped the bed sheets, a numb fear slowly dissipating in his chest as he realised he wasn’t drowning in the depths of the lake, kept still by the Inferi’s claws, anymore.

His heavy breathing broke the silence hovering in the dark room. The room he was staying in on the upper floor at Remus’ place. He wasn’t in the Cave anymore. He wasn’t at the Blacks’ Manor. He was safe. He waited for his breath to calm down, for his heartbeat to slow, his grip around the white sheets loosened.

‘Breathe, Regulus. You’re fine now’.

Regulus took in his surroundings as his vision adjusted to darkness: a small room in the houses’ mezzanine, with a wide window on the roof, a desk, a drawer and two beds, one beside each wall. He was sitting on the one closest to the window, from which he could see the half moon shining high in the sky, softly illuminating the space. The same bed that had belonged to Sirius. His brother had moved into Remus’ bedroom, and he was now staying there with James, until Evan, Barty and him found better accommodation. Well, he must admit he didn’t actually mind that place. The house wasn’t that big, that was true, but it was cosy, welcoming, and… James was there. His eyes travelled to the empty bed on the opposite side of the room, sheets messily resting at its feet, pillow sideways on the mattress. James wasn’t there. He glanced towards the ajar door: a dim, white light came from the floor below, probably the kitchen, and he concluded James had just gone to get some water.

He needed a glass too, his throat felt too uncomfortably dry, a sensation he hated after having experienced the effects and the consequences of the Drink of Despair. Regulus let out a sigh, running his fingers through his hair, sticking to his forehead with sweat. 

It had happened again.

He’d had that dream again.

He couldn’t properly define it as a nightmare, no. It was more of a… weird dream. It was the third time happening now, four days after having left the Cave: he heard that voice ringing in his head, felt the same cold touch, yet lighter, more distant, as if nothing more than a blurry memory. The same things he’d felt while between life and death.

The voice of Death itself.

And yet, after all those days, the same question kept on echoing in his mind, desperate for an answer it would never get: had it really been Death the one he’d heard during those moments? Or had it just been yet another delusion created by the potion he’d drunk?

Regulus still felt in awe when thinking about it.

What mattered now was that he was alive and safe. He’d done what had to be done, and found peace, after all. Though a different kind of peace than the one he’d expected: James’ loving touch, waking him up. That night at the Cave, the morning after he’d gotten a good amount of sleep, the following one, and the one after. James, being by his side. James, showing him how much he loved him. James, taking care of him, making sure he ate enough, that he stayed hydrated, rested well. James, that had tended to the wounds made by the Inferi. James, who silently slid in bed next to him when nightmares about that night came to haunt him, bringing him back to reality. James, that had forgiven him. Just like Sirius had. Regulus had found his brother again. His whole family. Just like Barty and Evan, Pandora, the sister he’d always dreamed of having.

His life had taken an unexpected turn, but for the better this time.

He was still far from fully forgiving himself, but he knew he’d get there, with time.

He was fine.

He was finally fine.

He tossed the covers that had tangled around him aside and got out of bed, determined to go get some water. He’d started to gain his strength back. He still felt too weak, too thin, he couldn’t yet get back to eating normally as before… well, everything.

He knew it was impossible to get out of such situations if not gradually. And he genuinely wanted to get better. James had noticed the changes in his figure and pretty dim appetite too, though he’d opted for not bringing the argument to the table, at least not yet, probably not wanting to reopen possible wounds.

Regulus had to tell him about the time they’d been apart, what had brought him to leave the Dark Lord’s side and head to the Cave. But whenever the idea of speaking crossed his mind an invisible knot started tightening around his throat, blocking the words there.

He owed him an explanation, though. When he felt ready. He knew James would put no pressure on him.

He crossed the room, wrapping his arms around himself and rubbing his skin to create some heat. Christmas was upon them and the temperatures were starting to drop. The burgundy shirt James had lended him was definitely comfortable, though far too light. Regulus told himself he was just going to grab a glass of fresh water and slide back under the warm covers as he walked out the room.

Yeah, the light he’d seen was definitely coming from the kitchen.

He made his way down the flight of stairs, then stopped halfway through at the sight before his eyes: James, leaning against the kitchen counter with a book in one hand and a mug of what looked like steamy tea in the other, reading under the dim light of the lamp hanging above the counter. Regulus took another step, and James acknowledged his presence: “Oh, hey Reg” he smiled at him, putting both the book and the mug down. “What are you doing here this late?”.

Regulus threw a glance at the clock hanging on the wall, as its hand just ticked a quarter past four in the morning. “I had a nightmare” he confessed. “And I wanted to get a glass of water”.

“Still Death?” James asked, heading towards the fridge. He opened the door and the machine’s bluish light brightened his face, reflected from the lenses of his glasses. 

“Yeah. Same old story” Regulus sighed. He’d told him everything about what had happened in the Cave before he’d saved him, him drinking the potion, being dragged underwater by the Inferi and “meeting” Death before his spell chased away the dark creatures. James too hadn’t managed to find a rational explanation to what had happened while Regulus was unconscious.

“Don’t worry about it. They’re just nightmares” James said, pulling a bottle of fresh water out of the fridge. He then searched for a glass in the cupboard and filled it with water. “Here you go” he smiled at him again while handing him the glass. Their fingers brushed as Regulus took it, James’ felt warm against his stone cold ones. “Thank you” he swallowed a few gulps, easing his thirst. “What about you? What are you doing here at four in the morning reading…” he glanced behind his shoulders, at the book lying on the counter. “... ‘Anne of Green Gables’?”.

“I borrowed it from Lily. After I told her I’d never read it she showed up the next day with the book in hand” James smiled. “I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to read a little more. I came here because I didn’t want to turn any lights on and wake you up. You still need some more rest”.

Regulus emptied the glass and placed it on the counter. He wrapped his arms back around himself as a shiver ran down his spine. “Thank you for the glass of water. I think I should go back to sleep, now”. He actually doubted he’d be able to. He never fell asleep right away after having nightmares, fearing they’d come back. James must have read that from his face. “You know, I was just about to have a little midnight snack”.

“You’re four hours late, James” Regulus pointed out with a small smile.

“That doesn’t matter” he waved him off. “I’m hungry. And Peter’s tarts are just the best. Would you like to have some too?”.

Regulus swallowed. He really, really wanted to remain with James instead of facing Death again in his dreams, though eating nonchalantly still came difficult. And he had no idea how long he’d be able to excuse it with a lack of appetite caused by the pain brought by the Drink of Despair. After all, James was already starting to sense something was off.

“Sure” Regulus responded, his smile tightened. James stared at it for a second, then took a step forward and kissed him. Regulus’ fingers dipped in his hair, the small of James’ back hit the counter as he wrapped an arm around Regulus’ waist, pulling him closer. He pulled back, eyes shining. “What was that for?”.

“Just wanted to” James shrugged. “I have the most beautiful boyfriend in the world, I have every right to want to kiss him whenever I feel like it”.

“Oh, really Potter-” he shut him up with another kiss and Regulus wondered how he’d been able to live without it the past two years of his life. James drew his head back, meeting his gaze. “Reg, I… there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you for a while now”.

Oh no.

Oh no.

“Sure, what is it?” he could already feel the question coming, one he wouldn’t be able to leave unanswered any longer. “I feel like you’ve not been eating enough. You’ve gotten skinnier and I can’t hide that’s worrying me a little. Until now, you’ve usually eaten only half of your food at every meal, and I was wondering if you still haven’t found your appetite. I know eating without feeling hungry can be difficult, but it’ll help you recover”.

“I fear it’s more complicated than you think”.

James furrowed his brows. “What do you mean?”.

Regulus took his hand in his, searching for the warmth of his skin. “You’re cold” James observed. “Do you want me to lend you a sweater or something?”.

Regulus shook his head. “I’m fine. Let’s take a seat, shall we?”.

They sat at the kitchen table, in front of each other. He reached for James’ hand again, his thumb brushed over its back. “You don’t really have to tell me if you don’t feel like it” he reassured him.

“Don’t worry. It’s fine. After all, the worst belongs to the past now”.

“The worst?...”.

“Before I begin, don’t you dare blame yourself for what happened, okay? I know you always tend to put the guilt on yourself when it comes to what occurred over the past two years, but please, don’t”.

“Reg…”.

“Promise me you won’t blame yourself, James”.

“I promise”.

Regulus sucked in a breath, squeezing his hand. “You know, after you left me… don’t say anything. You promised not to say anything” he cut him off as soon as he opened his mouth. “It’s. Not. Your. Fault. So, after you left me, I joined the Death Eaters, as you know. And, well… I soon started missing my old life. I had to see my parents far more often than I wanted before moving in with Evan and Barty, and that certainly made things worse. But anyway, I was missing what I once had so much. Sirius. Pandora. You. Time passed, and… I did some horrible things, James” the lump in his throat grew larger, he had to stop to swallow, grip tightening around James’ fingers. “I tortured people, and killed just as many. All of it because of a cause I barely believed in. All of it because I needed to protect Evan and Barty, otherwise the Dark Lord could have hurt them to control me. But that doesn’t change the fact I still committed murder. And that made me feel terrible”.

“Well, I… started to put the blame on myself for those terrible things. Then, reminiscing on my old life, I began to suspect I’d played a part in other happenings: I believed Sirius had run away and left me because I hadn’t been enough of a reason for him to stay. That I’d deserved all the suffering my mother had ever inflicted me because I’d never been a good son. That I’d been the cause of the pain of everyone I’d ever loved. I know that’s stupid, but I felt so bad my brain tricked me into believing it. And then…”. Regulus had to stop for a moment, to take his breath again. He could feel James’ soft eyes on him. He squeezed his hand back, a sign that he was there.

“I started eating less and less. A punishment I was inflicting to myself because I deserved it. It felt good at first, as if I was actually redeeming myself of my guilt. I became weaker, skinnier, and Barty and Evan noticed. I often skipped meals, and found so many excuses to avoid them that they weren’t believable anymore. Then… things started getting just too much. I didn’t even want to live anymore, James” Regulus’ voice cracked as he lowered his gaze. Then, the sound of a chair being pushed back as James got up. A second later, he was standing by his side, wrapping him in his comforting embrace. “I’m so sorry. I should have been there. I should have been there and kept things from happening”.

“Sometimes, saving people who’ve lost every hope is very difficult. Barty and Evan didn’t know what to do, one day Barty basically begged me not to leave them. Because I’d decided to stop eating completely, and just… let myself die”.

“Oh, Reg…” James murmured.

“I decided to try. Try for them. But things only got worse, and I decided to opt for another way to end things: sacrificing myself for the sake of you all. That night, I let the Inferi take me. I regretted it soon after”.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry” James kept on whispering.

“I’m fine now, more or less. I understood how much pain blinded me, convincing me it had all been my fault. And I couldn’t be happier here with you, knowing everything is fine between me and Sirius, knowing we’re all safe, at least for now. I’m forgiving myself, gradually. What happened at the Cave proved to me that my will to live was stronger than despair. That I wasn’t ready to just let things go. And now, I’m ready to work on myself, create a better future. For us”.

“You’re so strong, Regulus. So, so strong” James said, kissing his forehead. A few tears had run down his cheeks, so he wiped them away. “I’m sorry I wasn’t by your side during those hard times”.

“You’re here now and that’s all that matters”.

Regulus leaned into him, listening to the familiar rhythm of his heartbeat. “I love you James. So much”.

“I love you too” Regulus felt the emotion in his voice. And that fueled the hopeful flame burning inside his heart.

“We don’t have to eat anything if you don’t want to. I mean, I want to help you get out of this situation, but I don’t want to force you into doing something you’re not comfortable with, nor to put any pressure on you” James said, resting a hand on his cheek.

“I really want to try and improve things. So I guess I’ll give the tart a possibility” Regulus smiled at him and he nodded. “Oh, you’ll love it. It’s your favourite. I told Peter about it and he baked it this afternoon, while you were taking a nap. It’s so fucking good it can only compete with my mum’s”. Regulus watched him as he displayed a plate on the table: two pieces were missing from the tart, covered in orange marmalade. “Is that?...”.

“Tangerine. Your favourite” James said proudly.

He picked up two plates from the cupboards and placed one in front of him, then cut two slices of the tart and let one slide on his plate.

“Eat as much as you want” James gave him a soft smile, taking his own slice.

Regulus looked down on his, then let out a breath and picked it up, the marmalade sticking to his fingers. He raised it. “To new beginnings”.

James smiled. “To new beginnings”.

How funny to make a toast using two slices of tangerine tart. Though that moment couldn’t be more perfect. Regulus brought it up to his mouth and took a bite. The shortcrust pastry was fragrant and crumbly on his tongue, the tangerine marmalade sweet with a light sour aftertaste, just as he liked. Simply perfect.

“Peter’s tart is really exceeding my expectations” he commented.

“I told you it was good” James said, then his eyes fell on his lips. “You have something here”.

“Where? Here?” Regulus touched his bottom lip, and James shook his head. “No, there”.

Regulus tried to follow the direction of his pointing finger though he’d definitely missed the spot again because James leaned forward and brushed his thumb over his upper lip. “Here”.

Their eyes locked for a moment before Regulus leaned forward and closed the distance between them. And that kiss felt sweeter than any other before.

Things would get better.

They’d manage to survive that war, come out victorious.

And then they’d begin to work on our future. One step at a time.

Their destiny was still uncertain, though Regulus was sure of one thing: home was wherever James was. Where his heart was.