Home Is Where The Heart Is

James

When James first entered the room he wasn’t certainly expecting what was about to come.

He’d just woken up, around an hour earlier than usual, and noticed Sirius had already left the room, his bed still unmade. He’d had a particularly realistic nightmare that night, one about him and Regulus lying on his old bed at the Gryffindor dorm, the room empty except for the two of them. They’d held hands, kissed, and talked as usual. Then, all of a sudden, Regulus had confessed he wanted to break up with him. And when James had asked him why, he’d told him it was to protect him… from himself. Regulus had slowly started fading, and James had woken up still searching for him on the bed sheets. It had all felt so real…

He was still thinking about that when he walked into the kitchen. Sirius was standing before the counter, making himself some tea. He hummed the lyrics to an ABBA song, one of his favourites, while tinkering with the teapot. At his wrist, James noticed a brown and orange cord bracelet he’d never seen before.

“Good morning Padfoot” he said. Sirius turned to him and smiled. “Oh, hi James. You’re up early this morning”.

“Yeah, nightmares were keeping me up so I opted for getting out of bed” he nervously scratched the back of his head.

“Are you alright?”.

James nodded, pressing his lips together. “Yeah, it was nothing, really” he waved that matter off. “Just a stupid dream”.

A stupid dream he apparently couldn’t get out of his head.

‘Why do you want to leave me?’.

‘It’s all for you, James, mon amour. I must protect you’.

‘From what?’.

‘From myself’.

“What? Why?’.

He’d vanished before James could manage to ask him what that last sentence meant.

The glimpse of that conversation still lingered in his mind. Not a real one, but still…

He missed Regulus so fucking much. His boy. His star. 

He’d called him ‘mon amour’.

A nickname he’d given him as a joke many years ago that James had loved so much Regulus had never stopped using it.

James’ heart ached as his mind went back to the previous evening: he and Sirius had planned a ‘movie night among brothers’, or at least that’s how he’d defined it before dragging him on the sofa to watch one of his favourite musicals. The main character was French, and hearing her call her boyfriend ‘mon amour’ had brought back so many memories James had had to get up with the excuse of wanting to get some more popcorn just so that Sirius wouldn’t think something was wrong by looking at his tense expression.

James’ whole existence still revolved around that beautiful boy named after a star. 

“You look in a far better mood” he told Sirius to avert his attention from the nightmare topic.

“Oh, yeah” his face lit up again. “It’s mine and Remus’ anniversary! See this bracelet I have?” he asked, lifting his arm up so that James could take a better look at it. “Mary made a few of them for herself and the girls and when I told them I had no idea what to get Remus for our anniversary she told me she could give me two personalised matching bracelets. She was sure they would be the perfect gifts along with some of Remus’ favourite chocolate bars and a few kisses, to which I couldn’t agree more”.

He looked down at it and smiled. “Mine has Remus’ colours, while his has mine. Mine’s silver charm is a moon, while his is a star. Mary sealed them with magic: we can’t take them off unless we cast the counterspell”.

“That’s beautiful…” James commented. A piece of each other to carry wherever they went.

“Remus still hasn’t given me my gift. He told me we needed to head somewhere in town, though he refused to tell me where. We’re taking my motorbike this morning and plan to spend the whole day together, finishing it with a good bottle of wine while stargazing on the rooftop, the only part of the program he consented to reveal” Sirius continued, eyes shining.

James returned his smile. “How many years has it been now?”.

“Five” Sirius’ smile grew softer. “You know, I told him I want to marry him. He smiled as said we’re still young, that there’s still time for such important steps. The following day he asked me where I’d like to go on our honeymoon”.

“Promise me I’ll get to be your best man”.

“You know, when we were still children Regulus and I promised each other we’d be best men at the other’s wedding. And now I can’t help but wonder… do you think he’d come if I invited him? Do you think he’d stick to his promise?”.

“He would” James said. “I’m sure he would. Regulus always keeps his promises”. At least the Regulus he used to know.

“I don’t see why he should when I’ve been the first one not to do that” Sirius lowered his gaze again.

Remus walked in before James could counter.

“Holy shit, Sirius!” he exclaimed. “The water!”.

Sirius turned just in time to see boiling water overflowing from the rim of the teapot on the stove. “Fuck, I got distracted” he turned the fire off.

“And that’s why I never let you close to the stove while I bake” Remus smiled, arms folded. James could see the matching bracelet to Sirius’, red and black. 

“Crap, the fire ruined the pot”.

“I’ll buy you a coffee or something at Starbucks later” Remus said. 

“A pumpkin spice latte would be really appreciated”.

“Do you really like that thing?”.

“Hey, don’t insult the best beverage in the whole world!”.

“I think it tastes pretty awful”.

“Heresy!”.

“Oh, come on! Why can’t you choose something… simpler?”.

“Says Mr. caffè macchiato with two sugar cubes and a sprinkle of cinnamon, to always drink after eating a gluten free biological brownie”.

“Oh come on” Remus rolled his eyes.

“That’s literally what you order every single time”.

“That’s always better than pumpkin spice latte”.

James smiled at their argument, then Remus sighed and turned to the door. Sirius picked his leather jacket up from the kitchen chair he’d left it on and flung it over his shoulders, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Let’s go, pretty boy”. 

Remus smirked, following him to the door.

“Have fun, you two” James said. He and Regulus would do stuff like that too, on their anniversary: spend an entire day together. He still remembered when they’d once left Hogwarts and spent a whole weekend out, something that had almost gotten them expelled. He’d had the time of his life during those two days.

Hadn’t they broken up, they would have celebrated their seventh’s anniversary. Well, actually, they’d never officially broken up. They’d just… parted ways.

“Oh, James” Remus called for him before exiting, a hand resting on the door frame. “Xenophilius gave me something for you this morning, a letter addressed to you that must have accidentally been delivered to his place. It’s on the table in front of the sofa”.

James headed towards it as soon as Sirius and Remus left.

His eyes fell on the only envelope on the table and… 

The envelope’s paper tore out as he opened it, but he didn’t care. Not now that he finally had that letter in his hands. A letter Regulus had written with his own hands. After all those years, a new piece of him. James unfolded the paper sheet carefully, almost as if scared it would vanish from his hands had he not been attentive.

He’d reached out to him. Regulus had received his letter and he’d finally reached out to him.

His heart hammered in his chest, so loudly he could hear its sound rumbling in his ears.

Dear James,

it’s been a really long time, hasn’t it?

Too long. Excruciatingly long.

What a pity I didn’t get to hear from you sooner. You know, I would have loved to.

After what occurred in the Quidditch camp on that rainy day at Hogwarts, I thought you’d never wish to have anything to do with me ever again. So you certainly understand my surprise in reading your letter.

Especially when I learned you still love me. Even after everything I’ve done, your heart still has space for me. I know you’re sorry for what you did, for all the things you said to me. But I’m not mad. I deserved them, after all: I was about to make an incredibly huge mistake I had no idea I would regret so deeply in the future. Anyway, I forgive you. How could I ever not?

It’s all thanks to you if I became a better person through my Hogwarts years, if I was finally happy, genuinely excited over my future, a future in which both you and Sirius were at my side.

But things don’t always take the turn we want them to, and…

I messed up everything. After Sirius left, things started getting worse and worse and when Barty proposed to me and Evan to join the Dark Lord, I didn’t think about it too much before accepting. Though what really convinced me into doing that wasn’t really related to that, at least not as much as Barty’s dreams of building a better world for the three of us, in which we would be free from every injustice and stupid rule he hated so much, in which we would be finally able to show the world who we were and prove ourselves over who’d done us bad. I knew his deepest desire was to face his past one last time, and give a lesson to his father.

“I’ll destroy everything he holds dear, I’ll take over his world and turn it into my own, our own. And when he’ll look me in the eye, after all this time, I’ll finally be able to say: ‘Look at me, Father. Look at the person your ‘worthless’ son has become. You won’t break me ever again now”, that’s what he told us one night. And Evan and I had no intention of taking the possibility of defeating his old demons away from him. Well, we all realised how joining You-Know-Who’s cause had been a terrible, terrible choice. Anyway, at first I thought you’d understand, that you’d stay at my side… but I was wrong. You didn’t even give me the time to explain myself, which was totally understandable. But still, it hurt James.

Time passed, and I got involved in the Dark Lord’s business more deeply, day after day. I remained at my parents’ place at first. It was unbearable, though I had nowhere to go, as Barty had run away from his home to go stay at Evan’s with his father. Until, one day, we found a small house to rent, so that we could be closer to each other. I know they did it for me: they already had everything they needed, and Mr. Rosier approved of their relationship. Though I accepted. Barty was definitely the most excited about this ‘new adventure’ of ours, alongside the Dark Lord.

And so… let’s just say I did some quite horrible things, James. I tortured people. Killed them. Attacked innocent citizens. All of that because I had no choice if I didn’t want You-Know-Who to do something to Barty and Evan just to punish me. Or to Narcissa or Lucius. You know, I got to spend more time with them and I must admit they’re not that bad. Unlike Bellatrix. I can barely recognise the cousin with whom I used to spend the Christmas holidays every year. She changed, and certainly not for the better. And I’m really sorry about that.

However, yeah, I did lots of despicable stuff.

And… that changed my perception of things: it wasn’t you who was to be blamed for having left me, it was me for having chosen that path over you..

A lot of things happened, and a simple letter wouldn’t be enough to tell them all. But now, I’ll find a way to erase my mistakes.

A way to defeat the Dark Lord, once and for all. 

He destroyed our world, James. Now, I’m going to destroy him. Voldemort will never forget Regulus Black’s name. It will echo in his mind with the same strength as a thunderstorm until the day he exhales his last breath. So don’t worry about your family’s life: they’ll be safe, I promise. You will be. And that’s what matters the most to me.

Because I still love you, James. I’ve never stopped. I’m still yours, I’ll always be. 

I’ll love you until my very last breath, until the last star shines in the sky.

However, I know I can’t have you, not anymore. Even if we both want it… it’s wrong.

Because I don’t deserve you, James, I’ve ascertained proof of that so many times I’m more than sure now. You deserve someone way better than me.

Someone who’s not so messed up.

Someone who’s not a burden to you.

Someone who’s not broken. I can already picture you saying that that’s not  true, that nothing’s ever so broken that it can never be fixed, just like your mother says. But this time I genuinely fear there is nothing you can do, as there is already nothing I can do for myself.

Forget me, Find somebody really worthy of you and live your life to the fullest, just like Evan and Barty, Remus and Sirius, Marlene and Dorcas, Xenophilius and Pandora, Alice and Frank. I’ll live in your happiest memories. Perhaps, one day, when you’ll be old, you’ll reminisce on our good times, and you’ll just smile, thinking of your old love.

I’m only trying to protect you, love. From this cruel world. From the Dark Lord. From myself.

I love you, James, mon amour.

Please, live for me too. Find joy where I’ve never been able to. Experience what I’ve always wanted to. I’ll be there with you.

Forever yours,

Regulus x

James’ fingers were still quaking as he finished reading the last lines.

No.

No, no, no.

That wasn’t the answer he was expecting. Or, at least, the one he was hoping for.

Regulus had said he felt messed up, broken, that he would never be able to be fixed. Well, fuck that. James didn’t need to fix him. He’d never wanted to. He’d always loved him exactly for who he was, and that would never change. His broken pieces perfectly fitted together with his anyway. Fuck Voldemort too. Fuck the Death Eaters.

He’d said he felt horrible for everything he’d done, even when he’d had no other choice but to do what he’d been told to; if he really felt that bad it meant his regret was genuine.

He’d said he wished for James to find someone actually ‘worthy’ of him to fall in love with, but how could he ever do that when Regulus was the one holding the keys of his heart? A heart that knew no love but his. That wanted no love but his. Because to be loved by Regulus felt just like being loved by a god. He’d learned to listen to the song of James’ heart and had turned it into the most beautiful melody the world had ever heard.

How could anybody be able to ever compare to him after that? Even the bare idea of forgetting him was simply inconceivable. 

That was why the last part of the letter had been the most frightening to him: keep living for me too.

What the hell was that sentence supposed to mean?

He wouldn’t die any time soon, would he?

Would he?...

James had a bad feeling about all of that. A really, really bad one. He felt like something was about to happen. Something that he had to prevent, before it was too late. He folded the letter again and let it slip in the back pocket of his jeans, reached for his jacket on the coat hanger beside the door. He was wrapping his scarf around his neck when Peter walked in. “Hey James, where are you going? We were supposed to meet with Dumbledore and Moody today-”.

“I’m sorry Peter, there’s something I need to do”.

“More important than the Order?”.

“More important than everything else”.

“Wait, at least tell me where you’re headed!” Peter called after him as he slammed the door.

He had no time to waste. His breath condensed in small white clouds in the cold air as he dashed down the sidewalk.

He had no clue where Regulus lived now, so that left him with just one choice. A choice he would have rather excluded in the first place. But he was desperate for answers. And he knew there was just one place in which he could find them.

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

James didn’t think he’d ever been more nervous before. He suspected his little visit wouldn’t be that appreciated, though he didn’t care.

He’d never needed her approval. And if she really had to be an obstacle between him and Regulus, then he’d have to overcome it, somehow.

She could try to send him away, he wouldn’t leave. He’d find a way to find out the truth. 

James sucked in a sharp, cold breath and finally decided to ring the doorbell. He swallowed, mouth suddenly feeling uncomfortably dry. His whole body screamed at him to leave and avoid crossing paths with her ever again. But he knew that wasn’t possible. She was still a part of Regulus’ life, one that felt impossible to forget about, not when she still haunted them both. James’ fist tightened in his pocket, his nails sunk into the flesh of his palm. 

He could do this.

‘You’ve got this James. Just remember what Mum said: “I can feel how deeply you care for him. Fight for him, James. Don’t let anything pull you apart”’.

“I won’t, Mum. I won’t let him down” he whispered to the silence before the sound of footsteps filled it. They were coming from inside the house, closer and closer to the door. “Where is he?” 

“It’s been two years and, apparently, this family still hasn’t been able to get rid of you” Walburga Black sighed, looking down on him from the half open black door.

“Where. Is. He?” James repeated the question, attentively spelling every word.

“I don’t see why that should concern you” she replied, edgy.

He had to take a breath to ease the rage boiling inside him. “I have no time to lose with you Walburga. Where is Regulus?”.

“What is it, Potter, are you here to apologise and beg him not to push you away after breaking his heart like that?”.

“How do you?...”.

“I asked him” she said, as if it should have been obvious. “I asked him what had happened, and he told me you’d left him. That you’d simply left him. And now you have the courage to come back to him?”.

“I’d crawl to him if it was necessary. I need to see him. Now”.

“You’re being a little too pretentious, aren’t you”.

He let out a sigh. “Please” he forced the words past his lips. “Please, I need you to tell me where Regulus is. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what happened. That day… I wasn’t acting like myself, too blinded by anger, and fear. And I ruined everything. I should have thought before speaking so impulsively. I should have come here a long time ago, begging him to forgive me. But I was afraid that he’d turn his back on me. And I’ve been so fucking stupid. So please, tell me where I can find him”.

“What makes you think he’d forgive you?” Walburga studied him, and that air of superiority of hers mounted the indignation inside him even more.

“He already has”. James pulled Regulus’ letter out of the pocket of his jeans and held it up between them.

The surprise in Walburga’s eyes was soon replaced by disdain. “He’s been incredibly stupid. He’ll regret it, one day” she commented between gritted teeth.

“Listen Walburga, I know you don’t like me. You never did. And I can assure you the feeling is mutual. I know you’ve always wanted Regulus to be your perfect little prince, especially after Sirius-”.

“Don’t you dare uttering that name again”

“After Sirius left” James remarked on his name. She would never be able to erase his existence. He bet his act of courage and freedom still haunted her more than she liked to admit. “The perfect heir, for whom you’ve been building up castles and projects your whole life. But, with the wrong foundation, castles are destined to crumble. Regulus won’t be the heir to the House of Black, Walburga. I was sure he’d already made that pretty clear”.

“Shut up. You know nothing about my son”.

“Oh, and you do?”.

“Of course” she held her chin high. “I’m his mother”.

“Tell me, then. Tell me what his favourite colour is” James knew there was no point in defying her like that, he was only wasting time, but he couldn’t stand her arrogance.

She remained silent.

“Emerald green, though he also likes bronze, and silver, and the colour of the ocean. Now, what’s his favourite food?”.

Silence again.

“It’s tangerine. The second place goes to pistachio filled pastries, especially the ones my mum bakes. Favourite book?”.

“‘Macbeth’” her voice sounded hesitant, James tried not to show too much of his satisfaction.

“Wrong. It’s ‘The Picture Of Dorian Gray’. Greatest fear?”.

“Oh, cut it off with these stupid questions, I don’t see the point in wasting your time like that” she rolled her eyes, though James went on.

“The first one used to be dark, though he got over it. He hates spiders, though. And he’s incredibly afraid of failure. Of never being enough for people’s standards. Of loneliness” Walburga opened her mouth to stop him, though he went on. “Favourite subject at Hogwarts? History of Magic. Favourite memory? How our first kiss felt like. Dream journey? Travelling to Greece to visit the ancient gods’ temples. Dream career? Being a writer. Objects he holds the most dear? The very first letter I ever wrote him, a ring Sirius gifted him, a picture of him, Evan Rosier and Barty Crouch Jr. taken by Peter Pettigrew, who caught them in the middle of a fit of laughter”.

“This is just superficial stuff, Potter”.

“Sometimes, the little things are the ones that make a difference”.

“Stop it with this ridiculous scene” she hissed.

“You’ll never get rid of him. Nor of me, if you don’t tell me where Regulus is”.

“Regulus is living his life peacefully without you, Potter. He’s happy doing what he’s always been destined to: obtain glory. Through the Dark Lord, through me, that doesn’t matter. He’ll keep the name of the Blacks high”.

“You’re a monster. You broke him into pieces, and do you at least have any fucking clue of who picked them all up and put them back together? Sirius, Evan, and Barty did. I did ” he’d started raising his voice, though he couldn’t care less. “He’s not the heir to your throne, Walburga. He belongs with me, Evan, Barty, Sirius, Remus, Pandora and everyone else who’s ever been his true family. Regulus is the purest soul I’ve ever met, and he didn’t deserve even half of the pain you put him through”.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about, Potter. Now leave before I lose my patience”.

“You don’t want to accept that. You’re not willing to accept the knowledge that he prefers me, us, over you and your messed up family”.

“Don’t play with fire, kid” she threatened.

“Tell me what I want to hear, and I swear you’ll never have to see my face ever again”.

“I have no idea where he is. I haven’t seen him in weeks, actually”.

Shit.

What could he do now? How would he be able to find him?

Tired after that long discussion, James did the only thing he hoped would help: he unfolded Reg’s letter again and handed it over to her. “Read the last lines”.

He waited for Walburga to finish before speaking again: “I fear he might be in danger. And if something happened to him I’d never be able to forgive myself. So please, if there is any piece of information you can give me to prevent whatever from occurring, tell me. It’s my only request. I promise I’ll leave immediately afterwards”.

Walburga bit the inside of her bottom lip, as if weighing his words. Then, she stepped aside.

“I remember our old house-elf, Kreacher, coming here a couple of days ago to leave a message for James Fleamont Potter. It’s in Regulus’ room, on the second floor, right on the desk. As soon as you finish, leave this house and never dare to come back again. I’m warning you, Potter”.

“Trust me, I have no desire to”.

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

Walking in Regulus’ old childhood room felt… intimate.

That was the same place where he’d grown up, turning from a toddler into a child, then a teenager, and finally a young adult. The whole of his life spent between those walls: a life made of both good and bad memories, pain and hope, hurting and love.

Standing there, in the middle of the room, James just felt too much in a scenery he’d never really been part of: he’d never seen that room if not through Sirius’ photos; and yet, he wasn’t a complete stranger to that place. He took a glance around, eyes moving from the bed covered in neat dark green sheets, to to the pictures hanging on the walls, just besides Slytherin’s stem, pictures of the two of them, of Reg and Sirius, of him with Barty and Evan, and then him with the Quidditch team, a photo with Pandora holding up her fingers in the peace sign while Regulus stuck his tongue out, another one with Slytherin’s quidditch team of which he used to be part of, another with Remus and Lily, reading books in the library.

James smiled at those photos, then his gaze moved onto the shelves on the wall, where some of the books Regulus had lended him during their school years now laid, along with old notebooks, and, finally, the desk, on which the note Walburga had told him about was.

He took a few hesitant steps towards the desk, heartbeat racing as his fingers closed around the thin sheet of paper. That wasn’t Regulus’ handwriting. It must have been Kreacher’s, the house-elf, one then.

Find the hint, James Fleamont Potter.

Don’t forget about your past.

You’ll find it there.

James read those words out loud, each of them feeling dense like honey on his tongue.

‘Find the hint’. What was that supposed to mean?

He stared at the words, reading them over and over again, until he could tell them by heart. He clicked his tongue on the roof of his mouth and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. ‘Don’t forget about your past’.

Find the hint… don’t forget your past… A hint regarding his past. Regulus’ past. Most definitely something they’d shared. Ugh, why had Kreacher left him such a riddle to solve? James had no time for his games, not when his world was threatening to crumble down upon him. He flicked hair out of his eyes, then slowly brushed his thumb over the paper sheet, its texture fine under his touch. He looked for any kind of possible signs, folds, ink stains, irregularities. But he found absolutely nothing. There were just those three lines at the top of the page, completely blank apart from them. Completely blank…

James lifted his gaze from the paper sheet, and he could swear Kreacher’s words were still printed in the back of his eyelids. His eyes fixed again on the pictures hanging on the wall. He hadn’t paid attention to the wallpaper they had been stuck to, before. Sage green stripes alternating with pastel, slightly darker, ones. Down on the sage green lines were printed the fine images of plants: ivy, narcissus flowers, what looked pretty much like mint leaves, and… citrus fruits. Small oranges, tangerines, and lemons hanging from the plants’ small branches, just beside the leaves.

‘Find the hint’.

The tip of his index finger trailed down the stems, stopping at the height of a tangerine, Regulus’ favourite fruit. James fished in his memory, searching for anything related to it.

Nothing. His finger slid down, just beside a bright yellow lemon, its golden shades standing out in the green shades.

‘Find the hint’.

And then, it felt as if a light bulb had lightened up in his mind. Lemons. Of course. How could he have not thought of it before?

James still remembered Regulus telling him about the genius way he’d found to write him letters during the summer holidays without his mother knowing about their relationship: invisible ink, made with lemon juice. Walburga had never found out. Secret love messages, just for the two of them to know of. James laid the sheet down on the desk, then pulled his wand out. “Please, let this work” he murmured. “Lumos”. Soon, light irradiated from the tip of his wand. He shifted it close to the paper, hoping the heat created by the light could bring the desired effect.

Slowly, words started surfacing. With his heart in his throat, he read the lines that had just appeared.

The Cave.

On the winter solstice.

When the sun starts setting.

Before it’s too late.

The winter solstice… that was today!

He glanced out of the window: the sun was still high in the sky, its rays obscured by a blanket of grey clouds. But it wouldn’t take long for dusk to arrive, probably just a few hours. He turned the torch off, grabbed the letter and turned to the door, determined to leave that place once and forever. He had to find Regulus. Bring him home.