Missed Calls
Sirius
It didn’t matter how hard Sirius tried to perceive nothing but the positive aspects of his new life with James, Remus and Peter, it still felt as if something was missing.
It was true, he finally got to spend as much time with his boyfriend as he liked, and he managed to savour every minute spent with his friends, as none of them knew whether the war would take their youth away from them. He was… happy, after all. At least now, the days at his family’s manor were nothing but a fading memory. However, Sirius still had the feeling it was that same past he couldn’t completely get rid off to haunt him.
It didn’t matter how much time had passed since he’d left that house, there was still something linking him to it. Something that would always be a part of him.
One recurrent name that occasionally resurfaced in his mind.
One face Sirius practically knew better than his own.
The image of a pair of grey eyes, staring into his for one last time.
He had those eyes in mind as he walked down the stairway, the hood of his red hoodie pulled over his head. A kettle whistled on the stove, the TV was on, a reporter was talking about some natural disaster that had just happened somewhere, nothing of his interest anyway.
“I know it’s you, Sirius” Remus’ voice echoed on his left as he reached the last step. He was giving Sirius his back, busy looking for a cup in the pantry above the kitchen counter. He placed it beside a teaspoon, then turned off the stove. The mug he’d chosen belonged to a set Lily had personally made for them the previous year, for Christmas. James’ was red, with a Golden Snitch painted on it and the number of his old Quidditch uniform, number 07. Sirius’ was white, with the constellation of the star that held his name. Remus’ was royal blue with a pearl coloured moon. Peter’s had a stack of books on a beige background.
“How did you?...”.
“I recognised your step” he casually answered, pouring the hot water inside his mug. “Why so hasteful?”.
“Nothing. I was just heading outside” Sirius replied, watching Remus immerse the green tea bag in the cup. His eyes fell on his frame, on the way his muscles tensed under the fabric of the black t-shirt that fitted him perfectly…
‘Keep it together, Sirius’.
“Are you sure you want to leave the house? It’s pouring outside” Remus observed, slightly tilting his head to the side to glance over at him.
“It’s fine, I’ll grab an umbrella. Moreover Peter told me we’ve run out of a few things, so I need to go grocery shopping”.
“You could always go tomorrow morning”.
“I’m actually up for a walk tonight”.
The truth was that he was in desperate need to go out. To clear his head, put his thoughts in order. Make a decision.
Remus started mixing tea with sugar, the teaspoon clung against the ceramic. He turned to Sirius, resting the small of his back against the counter, legs crossed at the height of his ankles. “Where are you headed?” he asked, meeting his boyfriend’s gaze.
Sirius shrugged. “Around the block, I guess”. He actually didn’t know. He just wanted some time for himself, to spend alone.
“Don’t come home too late, okay?” Remus concluded. He trusted him. He knew he wouldn’t do anything too stupid. Sirius nodded. “Sure. I’ll be home for dinner”.
He could feel Remus’ eyes on his back as he headed to the door, reached for the umbrella at the feet of the coat hanger and stepped outside. The pungent scent of rain mixed to wet autumn leaves and cigarette buts filled his nostrils as the cold sunk through his hoodie. A shiver ran down his spine as he opened the umbrella to protect himself from rain and started walking down the sidewalk. A black stray cat standing beside a packed metallic garbage bin stared at him with curiosity. Sirius fished for a packet of crumbled biscuits in the pocket of his hoodie and opened it.
“Here” he told the cat, placing it in front of him, who started munching and licking the crumbs off the plastic wrap. “Have something for dinner, little one”. Sirius turned the corner after throwing one last glance at him, fingers clenched around the umbrella’s handle. The streets were almost empty, except for a few passer-bys, all too worried over their private matters to care about the ones that surrounded them. He walked past a businessman, a woman trying to calm down the crying baby in her stroller, two kids chasing each other down the opposite street. He could feel his wand pressing against his skin, tucked in the sleeve of his sweatshirt. Aurors usually patrolled that area at that time of the day, though you could never be too sure. Death Eaters could be hiding literally anywhere, mostly behind the faces of the people you trusted the most.
Keeping your guard high at every hour was usually a good basis not to find yourself in a bad situation.
A few cars passed by, every now and then, their tires screeched on the wet road. Sirius loved the city at night, its vitality made him feel at ease. Understood. It reminded him that he wasn’t alone out there. That perhaps the lives of the men and women his destiny intertwined with as he walked down the block, even if only for a brief moment, were even more messed up than his. He wondered how many of them were wizards, who muggle borns. Who was an Auror, who a Death Eater. Who would have smiled at him, had they known he belonged to the Order, and who would have wrinkled their nose. He wasn’t actually expecting to bump into any familiar faces, however he still wondered what would have happened had he met some of his old friends from Hogwarts, after two long years in which they’d completely lost contact.
Evan, Barty… Regulus.
There they were again, those grey eyes pointing in his, overflowing with betrayal, with pain…
‘You’re leaving me’.
‘I’m sorry, Reggie. But I can’t do this anymore’.
‘You’re leaving’.
It’s his tone that shatters Sirius’ heart in a million pieces: resignation mixed with disappointment as his brother knows he won’t be able to stop him.
‘Things can’t be fixed between this family, we both know that. I want a future. It’s something I’ll surely never have here’.
‘You’re leaving me here in this hell. Alone’.
Sirius swallows the lump in his throat, clenches his fists by his sides. ‘Regulus, please, don’t make it harder than it already is’.
‘You’re fucking leaving me behind’ his voice trembles, Sirius can tell he’s trying to hold his tears back.
‘Come with me, then. You know James will never say no’.
Regulus bites the inside of his lip, hesitating for a moment. ‘You know that I can’t’ he says at last.‘You know that I can’t and you’re still leaving’.
‘I’m sorry. I’ve already made my decision’.
‘What about our first rule? Always put your family first, don’t you remember?’.
Us. That’s what ‘family’ has always meant.
Sirius can’t stop the words from leaving his lips. ‘I am putting my family first’.
James, Remus, Peter, Lily, Marlene, Dorcas, and the others. They’re the closest thing to a family he’s ever had. Of course, he’ll always put his little brother before everybody else. Though he can’t spend a single second more in this household. He’s tired of everything he’s been put through. Leaving is the only choice.
‘So you’ve chosen them over me’.
‘Reg…’.
‘I see’ Regulus scoffs, running his fingers through his hair. ‘I’m choosing my family too, Sirius’.
His little brother had never told him the meaning behind that sentence. Sirius had had to figure it out on his own: apparently it had all been related to Barty’s interest in Dark Arts and becoming a Death Eater, and Regulus and Evan’s choice to support him. They’d preferred to leave everyone else behind rather than parting ways because of the conflict they all knew was just about to come. Evan Rosier and Bartemius Crouch Jr. His family.
Regulus and James had remained together for almost two years before Regulus had shown him the Dark Mark, which had led to the breakdown of their relationship.
Sirius hadn’t received any news from them in years. He still thought of them, wondering whether they were all still alive. After James’ recurrent nightmares, a fear had settled in his chest, a bad presentiment. An idea had formed in his mind a few weeks before. Something he didn’t yet feel ready to do, though that foreboding pushed him towards, as if there was no time to waste. He kicked a small rock with the tip of his boot, then watched it roll down the sidewalk, bumping into a car’s tire.
Regulus.
His little brother.
Sirius missed him. He tended to hide it as much as he could, keeping on repeating himself that his brother had made his choices, that he probably didn’t care about them, about him, anymore, at least not as much as he once used to. That he probably didn’t even want to talk to him, nor see his face ever again after what he’d done.
Yet, he felt as if he had to try and reach out to him. Just try.
Sirius knew his attempt could possibly meet with complete failure, though it didn’t matter.
The pennies felt cold against his fingers as he fiddled with them in the pocket of his jeans. He’d counted the exact amount of money he would need, back home, in case he’d actually taken that riskful decision. Then, he saw it, at the opposite side of the street: a red phone box, standing out in the greyness of that rainy evening. And at that moment the weight of what he intended to do crashed over him. He crossed the road, one step after another, cars honking in the distance.
The cabin was empty. He noticed the door wasn’t completely locked, probably broken. Sirius studied that thin slit, which almost felt like an invitation to step in, face his fears. He would be safe in there, nobody would be able to listen to his conversation. In case he had one, of course. He wasn’t even sure he would get an answer.
He sucked in a breath, the cold air filled his lungs, awakening him from his torpor. He placed his hand on the knob and walked in. There it was, the black phone, waiting for him to pick it up, to digit the numbers he’d been tempted to press so many times. Someone had written some lyrics from a Beatles song with a permanent black marker on the red painted wall beside it.
Sirius glanced at it while inserting the pennies, one after the other. He picked up the phone, taking a deep breath, and pressed the numbers, one by one, heart beating loud in his throat. He was scared. So scared something could go wrong. It rang once, twice. Seconds went by, and for a moment he believed he would get no answer. A strange feeling aroused in his chest, relief mixed with bitterness. Then, the ringing ceased. Someone had just picked up.
“Who’s this?”.
He froze as soon as he heard that voice. That fucking voice. The temperature in the phone box suddenly dropped, the world started feeling distant. He blinked a couple of times, tried to swallow even though his mouth felt dry.
“Hello?” the voice echoed in his ear again. His mother.
Sirius remained silent, fingers trembling as he held the phone.
He couldn’t do it. He’d called hoping Regulus would answer. He didn’t feel ready to face the bane of his past. At least not yet. So, he simply put the phone down. He let out a breath, staring at his shaky hands. How could he have been so stupid as to think he would be able to make it? To utter a word without being overwhelmed by memories. He didn’t even dare to think what would have happened had she heard his voice. What she would have said.
Some seconds went by, perhaps a minute or two, and Sirius was still standing there, hand on the phone. He didn’t move until his fingers stopped trembling, until his heartbeat slowed down again. Then, he pulled the hood further over his head, locks of hair framing his surely pale face, and walked out of the cabin. A woman who’d been waiting for him outside followed him with her gaze, curious. He barely paid any attention to her.
He’d given up. Every good proposal had vanished, as fear had totally paralysed him. It had been four years. And yet, Sirius still quivered at simply the sound of her voice. Nothing had changed.
That wasn’t what made him feel so bitter, though, no. It was the thought that, maybe, Regulus had been waiting for that call, over all those years. A call that had never arrived.
Just as he’d waited for his.
‘I’m sorry Regulus. Apparently, I’m not the strong, big brother you once considered me to be. Perhaps I’ll never be’.
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The convenience store was basically deserted, except for a few customers who were browsing through the shelves in search of the best discount, while Queen’s ‘Killer Queen’ played from the old speakers. In two years, that place hadn’t changed.
The same cashier was sitting behind the cash register, wearing the same tons of heavy makeup, with the same pink-streaked hair tied up in a high ponytail, chewing on the same strawberry flavoured gum (she always kept a packet beside the register). Sirius recognised a few of the usual customers, an old couple who went there on every Monday and Thursday nights to buy their groceries for the following days, a single woman with a stroller who always bought at least three packages of diapers, while her baby tried to pick things up from the shelves and start chewing on them as if they were toys, an apparently lonely man buying beer cans every weekend. Nothing extraordinary. For that reason, he wasn’t completely expecting to meet him out of all people. Sirius was taking a look at the canned sweets and pastries’ section, searching for something to have after dinner, perhaps one of those horrible tasting packaged cakes Remus always told him not to buy because ‘they’re just full of pointless calories and sugars, food colourings and food preservatives, and they don’t even taste that good, almost awful actually, nothing compared to a good home baked cake’. James actually liked those ‘awfully tasting’ cakes, and so did he. He’d just picked up a cherry pie when a voice made him flinch.
“I wouldn’t choose that, if I were you. It’s not that good”.
No, it couldn’t be…
Sirius turned, and yes, it was definitely him. Standing there, a box of honey cereals in hand, was Evan Rosier. From the flickering amused curiosity in his eyes Sirius could tell he’d recognised him even with the hood to partially cover his face.
“I’d recommend the strawberry one instead. No, wait, perhaps the tangerine one is even better… yes, go for the tangerine”.
“Evan?...”.
It was him. Definitely. He had the same light freckles dotting his cheeks, same blonde hair, same unmistakable tattoo with his lover’s name on the base of his neck, same cunning brown eyes, same silver snake shaped necklace around his neck, which Barty had gifted him during the Christmas of ‘77.
“Long time no see, Sirius” his smile didn’t reach his eyes. And for a moment, Sirius feared for the worst, suddenly remembering he’d become a Death Eater, that his intentions could not be so friendly, after all.
“Don’t worry, I have no bad intentions” Evan reassured him, reading those assumptions off his eyes. “Meeting you here has been a complete casualty”.
“How do I know I can trust you?” he asked, ready to reach for his wand in case things went bad. Evan’s smile wilted. “I’d never hurt my best friend’s brother. Never. You may be my enemy now, but we once used to be good friends. Some memories don’t fade so easily, not even after time”. Sirius knew better than everybody else. Yet, Evan was still one of the pawns in the Dark Lord’s game. He’d perhaps been responsible for the tortures, or deaths of some of their companions, fallen in order to defend their world.
“You have every right to be wary, though I can assure you I won’t raise a single finger on you, nor the others. Ever” Evan added.
Sirius studied him attentively, noticing some details he’d missed at the first glance: his hair had grown out a bit from the last time he’d seen him, now falling in soft curls over his forehead. His posture was tense, jaw clenched, as if he was the one feeling nervous. Light dark bags encircled his eyes, which looked… tired. Drained out.
Sirius wondered what the hell had happened to him, in those two years. Evan was probably asking himself the same question while scrutinising him. Silence fell, none of them seemed to know where to start to fill it. They just stood there, the notes of ‘Killer Queen’ still playing in the background. Sirius recalled him saying it was his favourite song in the album, one time he’d come to visit them during the summer holidays to spend the day with Regulus. God, it felt like an eternity ago…
Sirius cleared his throat. “What about… my brother? How is he? Barty?”.
Evan lowered his gaze again, suddenly interested in the ingredients of the cereals he’d picked up. “It’s…” he started, then stopped. “That’s not a conversation to have here. It’s… quite complicated. A long story”.
“I have time”.
He wouldn’t waste that chance, not when he wasn’t sure they would ever meet again. He needed to know about Regulus, even if he feared Evan had no good news.
Evan nodded. “We can talk in front of a good beer. It’s on me”.
“Sure”. Sirius knew Remus was waiting for him. He knew they had plans for the evening, movies to watch, music to listen to while planning what to do on their anniversary, which would be in a few weeks. Yet, he accepted Evan’s proposal.
Remus could wait. After all, Sirius knew he’d find him home.
But not Regulus.
⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅
Apparently, Evan’s idea of a good beer was a cheap can from the alcoholic department of the convenience store. They were standing right outside of it, back resting against the wall.
It had stopped raining, though the weather didn’t look less menacing. Sirius could hear thunder rumbling in the distance, presage of the storm that was to come.
Evan watched the cars go by, eyes dull: the world could crumble around him, and he wouldn’t care.
“So? Is he happy, now that he’s serving the person he’s been looking up to for years?” Sirius asked after taking a sip on the beer. The liquid burned down his throat, acre on his taste buds. Its quality surely wasn’t the best, though it surprisingly didn’t taste so bad. Evan seemed to be loving it far more than him. In a couple of minutes he’d emptied half of the can. He wiped his lips with the sleeve of his jacket, then peered at Sirius as his eyes lingered on his arm: the Dark Mark was hidden beneath the fabric. The symbol of everything they fought against. The same one his brother hadn’t hesitated to get.
“Oh, Barty’s probably the happiest among us: he’s sure he’ll get among his lord’s highest ranks and benefit from this war. Of course, he knows that that involves some sacrifices, at times even awful acts, though that hasn’t yet changed his mind. He’s convinced he’s doing the right thing”.
“I can’t believe his father approved of his inclinations towards Dark Arts”.
“Oh, he never did. Barty left just like you did. He moved in with me for a brief period of time, back when the thrill of what we were about to build by the Dark Lord’s side still ran in the veins of us both. My father was totally fine with it. He became a Death Eater himself, so we didn’t have to hide anything from him. We got the Dark Mark during our last year at Hogwarts, and so did Regulus. Nobody ever found out, even if we risked being caught by Professor McGonagall, once. The only people who knew about it were Pandora and Dorcas, until Regulus told James. Taking part in the rows of Death Eaters felt… freeing. Finally, we could make our own rules, turn the world upside down and shape it as we liked more. Nobody would be able to stop us”. Evan’s gaze was fixed forward, as his mind wandered among memories. He took another sip of beer. “Reminiscing about those times feels weird now. I mean, it’s not as if I regret everything, although things changed. The adrenaline I once used to have has disappeared, and I’m not sure if it’ll ever come back”.
“Do you think you’ll ever… leave?”.
“The Death Eaters?” he asked, eyes wide as if Sirius had just said the most absurd thing. “Of course not. Once you’re in, you can’t leave. It’s rather serving the Dark Lord for your entire life or perishing. Moreover, I won’t leave Barty. He’s still excited about all of this, even if he’s realised some of You-Know-Who’s promises were just facets, tricks for us to fall for so that he could manipulate us into swearing complete loyalty to him. I must protect him, stand by his side. So I guess I have no other choice but pursuing the path I’ve started on” he shrugged in peaceful resignation.
Sirius nodded, ready to ask the question he was mostly eager to get a response to. “And what about Regulus?”.
Evan lowered his gaze once again. “He’s…” he tasted those words on his tongue, then emptied the beer can as if wanting to take time. He crumbled it up in his hand, then let it fall at his feet and kicked it aside. He closed his eyes with a heavy sigh, fiddling with his serpent necklace. “There’s no point in lying” he murmured, finally meeting Sirius’ gaze. “When all of this started, he was determined at least half as much as Barty. Again, he believed we would be able to change things through that expedient. Just the three of us, like the good old times. Barty and I didn’t need anybody else. We were safe as long as we were together, as long as we knew Regulus was fine. Those two are my family, Sirius. All that I have. But Reg… what happened with James broke something inside him, I’m sure of it. After you left, he became his only point of reference, a handhold that would always be by his side. The night before showing him the Dark Mark, he asked us for our opinion, what did we think he would say, if he would stay. Barty and I reassured him, telling him everything would be alright. Well, we were wrong”.
Sirius still remembered it so vividly, the day in which James had shut the door behind him, when they still lived in his parents’ house, outraged, accusing his brother of being a traitor. He’d seen Euphemia comforting her son that same night, though he’d never told him he’d witnessed such an intimate scene.
“Regulus suffered so much after that day” Evan said, voice flat.
“James did too. He still does, Evan”.
“He blamed Regulus for everything though, didn’t he?”.
“He did, at first. Though later he started believing it had been his fault for not having noticed, for not having persuaded him into changing his mind”.
“He wouldn’t have, anyway. Because of me. Because of Barty. He would have never left us. We’re family, Sirius. All that’s left to each other”.
He nodded. “I know that. James knows too. Though he still wishes things had gone differently. That he hadn’t been so harsh on him. That he hadn’t accused him of… of having become just like our mother. I know he’d give up everything just to see him once, Evan. He would do anything. I would do anything”.
“Regulus… he’s not fine, Sirius. Things are getting pretty bad” he hesitated for an instant, then forced the last words past his lips. Time stopped as their weight crashed over Sirius, turning his worst fears into reality. “And this time I fear we won’t be able to do anything for him”.