Letters Never Sent
September 1st, 1997
Dear Harry,
I'm writing you because I think I need to get my thoughts down, Sirius and Remus are fine but I don't think I can talk to them. Not yet at least. And if I let everything build up I may just explode. So, I decided to write letters to you. I know I can't send them and Merlin willing you'll never read them (the embarrassment would be too enormous) but I decided to write them anyway and then store them in the back of a draw.
Maybe after all of this is over and time has passed by I'll read them again and find them amusing. But mostly likely I'll burn them as soon as I can.
Anyway, it's September 1st and I'm not on the Hogwarts Express... and neither are you (unless you've done something monumentally stupid). You're at Grimmauld Place, you're safe, and you're not alone. I'm here, I'm safe, and I'm not alone. But it doesn't make it better. For the first time since I was 11 I won't see you on the train, I won't sit in the Great Hall and listen to another of Dumbledore's speeches. I won't be introduced to another Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher and I won't look for you across the hall.
A little part of me is glad I can't go back though because I can't imagine the place without you. Actually, I can't imagine it without Dumbledore either. It just wouldn't be the same. And yet it's still there and students are arriving in carriages and theres a feast ready to be eaten and a new headmaster ready to talk. Although you wouldn't want to hear it because the new headmaster is Snape. Have you been keeping up with the news? It was released in the Daily Prophet this morning. I can only imagine the hour long angry rant that happened afterward.
For this reason (and a few more) I'm glad you're not back at Hogwarts because neither of you would come through that meeting in one piece.
Can you believe Snape actually had the nerve to go back to Hogwarts? And that he got Headmaster? I bet the other teachers won't speak to him. I wouldn't. He's a murderer and a liar. Not to mention all that work to finally be the DADA teacher and he only lasts a year. That's not surprising though, no one ever lasts longer than a year. I suppose he couldn't refuse the power.
It's funny because Snape being headmaster would have thrilled me a few years ago, I would have loved every second of it. But now? I don't know how someone can change so much in just a year. And I think a part of that is because of you (of course the larger part was Voldemort living in my home and then having guadianship over a child but that's not very romantic). I do think you had something to do with though, the idea that you could actually love me after everything I did and said is insane.
Are you alright in the head, Potter? No sane person would have forgiven me.
And now I'm thinking that it's been exactly a month since I last saw you. It's dreadfully morbid but I keep thinking about how that might be the last time I kissed you. It won't be, right? You'll do what you said you would and come home. You always do. Somehow, you always win. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
But it's almost dinnertime and I have to go, Sirius and Remus have been trying new recipes and I fear I'm the guinea pig. Wish me luck.
I love you and I miss your stupid face.
Draco
***
September 3rd, 1997
Harry,
WHAT ON EARTH POSSESSED YOU TO GO TO THE MINISTRY?!!!!!
I'M SO FURIOUS I CAN'T EVEN WRITE THIS LETTER. YOU ABSOLUTE MORON. YOU GIT. YOU ALMOST GOT YOURSELF KILLED. I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I WROTE IN MY LAST LETTER AND REGRET EVER MEETING YOU.
Draco
***
September 7th, 1997
Dear Harry,
Please be safe. I've been poring over every newspaper I can get my hands on and the radio is never off and I haven't heard of your capture. You must be safe. You have to be. I can only surmise that your suicide visit to the ministry was important and that you got what you wanted. I hope for everyones sake that you destroyed it and I hope for mine that you're one step closer to being done.
Mostly I wish that I could have been there with you, I keep thinking that if I had it wouldn't have gone so terribly wrong. Arrogant, I know. But you needed me and I wasn't there. I'm here, inside a safe house, being safe. I hate it. I keep thinking I can go and meet you somewhere. That I can leave Ella here with Sirius and Remus and just go to you. She'd be safe and I'd be with you. I hate myself for thinking that. Because a part of me knows I could do it, Sirius and Remus would keep her safe and happy. They're responsible adults and they love her.
I'm actually very serious on that front. I don't think I was every adored or fussed over as much as those two do over Ella. It's ridiculous.
But then I remember how I promised my mother and how I can't let any more family abandon her. And if something happened to me what would happen to her?
So, I can't go. And all of those arguments go around and around in my head on a never ending loop that's slowly driving me insane.
I'm left listening to the news and hoping I don't hear of you.
You could at least send me a message on our coins.
Love, Draco
***
September 10th, 1997
Dear Harry,
Did I tell you I was doing my NEWT year? Sirius and Remus are my teachers and we're doing it so we don't go insane. They're actually really good although never tell them I said that. I might actually scrape through my NEWT's if they still exist when I'm able to take them. Sirius is teaching me a bunch of fancy curses which I dream about using on you when I see you again (mostly for he Ministry stunt but I think by the time I see you, I'll have a lot of reasons).
We have practice duels every night and while I haven't beaten either of them yet, I'm getting better.
You'll love this. The other night Remus asked if I wanted to learn how to produce a patronus and I realised he didn't know I already could! So, with little else to have fun with I decided to lie. And Merlin's balls it was funny. He went through all the theory and then all of the motions, he was so kind about how I might not be able to do it that I felt bad for a minute. But it didn't last very long because his face at the end was so worth it.
I was there in the living room, Sirius and Ella were watching on the couch and Remus was going through the spell once more. I held up my wand and scrunched up my face and then I thought of you. That perfect moment by the lake when you kissed me for the first time. Did I ever tell you that was my happy memory? Probably not as it's incredibly embarassing.
Anyway, I thought of you and said the spell and boom! Perfect patronus on the first go. Corporeal moth flittering around the room, landing on Remus' nose. He almost went crossed eyed to look at it. Sirius was speechless. It actually might be my new happy memory.
I burst into laughter so loudly I scared all of them, I couldn't stay standing it was so funny. And when I was on the ground I heard Remus muttering, "asshole".
Remus swore at me! And then Sirius was laughing and they asked who taught me. You should have seen Remus' face when I said it was you, he looked so proud, Harry.
But they liked my moth although I'm still not sure about why it took that form. Remus couldn't answer either, apparently nobody really knows why patronus' take the form they do. (Granger definitely needs to do some research into that, she'd have the answer pretty quickly).
Anyway, I'm off to watch Sirius brew the Wolfsbane potion so Remus doesn't kill us all on the full moon. Sirius is going to take him to a safe place away from the house for the night so it'll be just Ella and myself. We haven't been alone since Hogwarts, it might be nice. Probably not, I've gotten used to people.
Love you,
Draco
***
September 16th,
Harry James Potter, did you steal a protrait from Grimmauld Place?? Lupin left again last night to go and get news and he went to check the house just to make sure you weren't still there. Apparently, you left Kreacher without a word AND you stole a portrait of Phineas Nigellus Black. What on earth for? I can't imagine the man is a pleasant travel companion. Do you just have him propped against a wall or something wherever you go?
Actually now I think about it, it wasn't you at all, was it? Granger stole it. And you were oblivious. Fucking Hermione Granger. She probably has a very good reason and now I can't be mad anymore.
We've had more deaths and news on missing muggle-borns. The wandmaker, Gregorovitch, was found dead a week ago and there's been a string of muggle murders as well. And then Dean Thomas never went back to school, did you hear? I never liked him all that much but still. He's on the run just like you. I keep worrying about who I'll hear of next.
I hope you're OK, Harry.
Love, Draco
***
September 29th,
Dear Harry,
Ella's walking. She took her first steps this morning. Straight for me. I have to admit I almost started crying and I'm only admitting that here because I know you'll never actually read this letter. Ella's walking, Harry, not very well and she still prefers crawling but she's up on two feet. You should have seen the commotion. The way we all reacted it was like she'd won the Quidditch World Cup.
It was nice though. I thought watching her have all of these moments would be lonely, knowing my mother wouldn't see them, but it wasn't. I got to share it with Remus and Sirius and we celebrated by giving her cake after dinner. She was so happy, she didn't know anything was missing. I've taken lots of photos with help from your christmas gift for my mother to see later, I hope it's enough.
I just know the next few days will be filled with trying to get her to do it again. And then by Sirius trying to trick her into going to him instead of me. Jokes on him though, she'll pick Remus over Sirius. I don't what it is about him but Ella is obsessed. Which is funny because Remus always looks so surprised when she goes to him. I don't mind though because I'm always first when I'm in the room. She likes me best which means she has excellent taste.
I hope you know you'll be held hostage with a lot of photos once we're together again.
Love, Draco
***
October 5th, 1997
Dear Harry,
Wolfsbane potion is a fucking nightmare to brew. If Remus didn't turn into a feral monster without it, I wouldn't bother. Plus it's apparently very expensive to make which is why Snape was doing it at school. Luckily for Remus, he married up and Sirius is extremely wealthy. He bought the ingredients on mass ages ago and had them stored at the house. He's been practicing the potion since he got out of St Mungo's and has a stock of it for the next six months.
But we brew it every month anyway. It's a good way for me to learn but I think Sirius likes to have an ample amount in the house to make Remus feel safer. I think if you were a werewolf I'd do the same.
We've been through two full moons so far and the next is coming on us soon. Sirius and Remus leave for the night and don't return until Remus has transformed back. The first was pretty bad. Remus was so nervous about it that he almost had a panic attack. I think he was worried about hurting me or Ella and I have to admit I was worried about that too. He had to walk me through all of the safety precautions they had made so I'd feel better.
To be quite honest I'm still not OK with it. I know exactly what your face looks like as you read this but I can't lie. He's a werewolf and I've spent all my life believing (and knowing) how dangerous werewolves are. That doesn't change overnight. I've been having nightmares he'll break into the house and bite Ella.
I haven't told him this though because honestly, he'd probably leave the moment he heard. And then Sirius would be a suicide risk. And I'd be alone.
So, yeah. Fun times in the safe house.
But we've been through two and nothings gone wrong and I'm feeling less nervous about the third.
In the meantime I'm going to help brew this bitch of a potion.
Love, Draco
***
October 20th, 1997
Harry,
What in the hell is going on? Lupin says Ron is back at the Burrow??
The news made me so angry when Remus told me that he had to physically hold me back from storming off to the Burrow to confront Ron. it's barely been three months and he's already left you? He promised, Harry. He promised he'd help.
Apparently when Remus asked, Ron wouldn't talk about it. Lupin said he looked pathetic (he didn't, those are my words not his) and that he was so cagey about everything which leads me to believe that he did something stupid. I can't believe I can't actually talk to you about this.
What did Weasley do?
Weasley isn't my favourite person, in fact he barely rates at all, but I know you like him. I know he promised to help you. Some serious shit must have gone down for him to leave. Are you alright? Is Granger? I can't believe I'm worrried about Granger.
I'm going to go and send you a message on our coin. It's incredibly frustrating how basic it is. I can't find out anything except that you're alive (which actually I do love and you should probably send me more messages like that). I'm just so confused about what happened. I can't believe he left you. Merlin, I'm about to storm back to the Burrow and have words with him. Or a duel. Fuck.
I'm so sorry, Harry. I can't even imagine. I wish I was there more than anything.
I love you.
Draco
***
October 27th, 1997
Dear Harry,
Your godfather is going to be the one who breaks me, I know it. What is wrong with him??
I know he was in Azkaban for 12 years. I know he was on the run. I know he's recently married but for Merlin's sake that is not an excuse for his behaviour!!
I had to Muffliato his bedroom, Harry. Muffliato. But Draco, you say, it soundproofed! Not when they don't close the fucking door!! I'm going to have to rip my ears off my head. This is the third time this has happened. And he doesn't care! He just laughs it off. Remus, at least, is suitably embarrassed. His face was so red last time I thought he might explode.
I may have to kill them to get some peace and since the aurors can't find me to arrest me, it'll work.
I'll give them a nice funeral though, lots of flowers.
I can't believe this is my life.
Love, Draco
***
November 6th, 1997
Dear Harry,
Ted Tonks is gone into hiding. My Uncle had to run from his home. His wife and daughter don't know where he is, I don't know where he is. I don't know if he's alive or captured or dead. We heard about a new radio station called Potterwatch and that's where we got the news. Lee Jordan's running it and there's familiar voices on there all the time, people trying to give us the real news of what's happening outside.
There's are these people called snatchers, they go around hunting muggle-borns to turn them in for a reward. Ted wouldn't register himself so he left to protect my Aunt and cousin. Merlin, Harry, the world is turning to shit.
And I'm here learning how to do NEWT level charms. Ella is trying to say her first words and generally having a grand time walking around the house. Remus is planting a flower garden in the backyard and Sirius is up in the middle of the night trying to invent new spells. Bizarre. That's what it all is. Really fucking bizarre.
I appreciate the messages you send although I do get mad we didn't risk making the coin a little smarter. I know what you would say to that and you're right. But I love you's only go so far. What I wouldn't give for a letter explaining to me the details of what you're doing or how you're actually going since Weasley left. And I know he hasn't gone back to you, Lupin says he's still at the Burrow. Fucking tosser.
If I were Weasley I never would have left. You would have had to pry me out of your cold dead hands to get me to leave you.
Is he going to go back to school? Try to forget his promises? I'll never forgive him if he does. In fact, he'll have a hard time getting me to ever speak kindly to him ever again. Twat.
If you see Ted out there can you try and keep him safe for me?
Love, Draco
***
December 1st,
Dear Harry,
It's been four months since we parted at the wedding. Three months since school began without us. And every day I think I miss you more than the last. Sappy, I know, but since you'll never read this I'm going to say it. I've been thinking about us a lot recently, wanting you more and more. I want you everywhere, in my living room, in my backyard, in my kitchen and in my bed. Or actually, it's your bed. I love that it's your bed. But I also kind of hate it because every night I sleep there without you.
In fact, I've probably been in this house longer than you ever have. It's more mine than it is yours. For now. It'll be yours again soon.
It's nice, though, you'd like it here. After all of this is over we should come back and stay awhile. Sirius and Remus can fuss over you and feed you and love you. We can eat together or watch Remus curse at his garden (which isn't growing) or I can watch you practice magic with Sirius. They can tell you stories about your mum and dad, we can tell you what you've missed here. We can sit on the couch and read a book while you hold my hand.
And then we can go back to my room (your room?) and go to bed. I can tangle myself up in you and kiss you until you can't breathe and hold onto you so hard you can't get away again. I want your stupid hair in my face again and I want you to have to stop kissing me to take off your glasses. I want to overheat in bed because Merlin's beard your body temperature is absurd. I want you to kick me when you're asleep and wake me up. I want you to snore into my ear. Merlin, I'd take you kissing me with morning breath.
I honestly don't care what we do as long as you're there.
I miss you and I want you,
Draco
***
21st December, 1997
Dear Harry,
My hand is shaking as I write this, I don't know how to say it. Luna is missing. She was taken from the Hogwarts Express on her way home for Christmas. No one knows where she is. It was on Potterwatch this morning, they said she was captured by Death Eaters. Sirius thinks they've taken her to Azkaban but Remus won't say what he thinks.
I can't think of Luna in Azkaban, it's unimaginable. Besides, I don't know why anyone would want to take her. She's not muggle-born, her family aren't blood traitors, she's not even a Gryffindor or Hufflepuff. But they took her anyway and now she's gone. I can only hope they took her as a hostage and they're keeping her alive. I can't- I don't know what I'll do if they've hurt her.
Please look out for her, I know you like her as much as I do. She can't be a casualty in this. Not her.
With love,
Draco
***
23rd December, 1997
Dear Harry,
I think I know where Luna is. I haven't stopped thinking about it since she was taken. She was taken by Death Eaters, right? I think she's at the Manor. My Manor. We have a cellar there where people could be kept, it's secret and nobody can reach it if they don't know its there. I still don't know why she was taken but if she's at the Manor she's in terrible danger. Voldemort's there and the Death Eaters... and Bellatrix.
I can't think about it too much or I'll be out the door before anyone can stop me.
But I think I know a way in... and a way out.
I can hear you screaming at me.
I'm not going, Potter, I'm not. I can't.
Draco
***
25th December 1997
Dear Harry,
We tried to have Christmas today but none of us were much in the mood for it. We listened to Potterwatch and drank hot cocoa but it didn't feel right to have Christmas, not with everything that's happening. I keep thinking of Luna and Ted and where they are and if they're hurt. I can't seem to stop thinking about them, Luna especially. I know my home so well and I've been thinking about it a lot. How I could get in and out undetected, how I could get Luna and bring her back here.
It's Christmas day and Luna is mostly likely in a cell under my home. Or in Azkaban, It's Christmas and Ted isn't with his wife and daughter. You aren't here with me and Sirius and Remus. Everything's wrong and the longer it goes on the more I need to do something. The more I have to do something. So, I think I'm going to try something. Something potentially dangerous. Don't worry, Potter, I'm not like you. I won't just jump into something stupid without trying everything first but I am going to do something.
Did I tell you Ella said her first word? It was my name. Well, as close as she could get. It wasn't mum or dad but me. And I can't let her grow up in this world. And if we win, if Voldemort is defeated, then one day when she asks I don't want to tell her how I sat and did nothing while my friends and family were hurt.
So, I'm going to do something. Something reckless and dangerous. But something that will help another person.
Wish me luck
Draco
***
3rd January, 1998
Harry,
It's a new year and I'm still with Sirius and Remus in the safe house. I'm still studying hard for NEWT's although they don't seem very important right now, honestly the studying and lessons is starting to feel very put on for all of us. Everyday we're getting more news, more deaths.
We found out that Bathilda Bagshot died at Christmas time. Do you remember the name? I'm sure Granger mentioned her because she wrote A History of Magic. Did you know she lived in Godric's Hollow? Sirius told me that's where you were born, where your parents lived and where Voldemort found your family. Apparently Dumbledore lived there when he was a child. Did he ever tell you about that?
I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't, the man had too many secrets.
I also heard that Ron left the Burrow. He didn't go back to school which means he finally regained his senses and went to find you. A part of me hopes it takes him ages and it's a lot of hard work and he's so guilt ridden that he never forgives himself. The other part hopes he finds you quickly because I know the three of you only share the one braincell. And you need him with you.
I'm still working on my other project, I stay up late in the night after Ella's gone to sleep and make plans. I think I've got a way to get to Luna, if she's where I think she is.
Love,
Draco
***
17th January, 1998
Harry,
The Lovegoods house was destroyed a few weeks ago and word is someone saw you there. Is it true? Do you know Luna is missing or were you there for something else? I know you got away but I hope you know about Luna, maybe you can help her if I can't.
I have a confession. I summoned Dobby today. He still works at Hogwarts and I know it was a huge risk but elf magic is different to ours and even though he was fired, Dobby is still loyal to my family. More importantly, he's loyal to you. I summoned him in the middle of the night and Harry, he didn't come. He couldn't get through the fidelius charm. I was hoping it might be possible.
But my first plan failed. I had hoped to get a message to him so he could go and check the Manor for Luna. But I couldn't do it.
This means I'll need to leave the protection of the fidelius charm to go and speak to him. And I'll have to put Dobby in danger because who knows what spells have been cast around the Manor. If Dobby shows up he could be caught in an instant, he could be killed. Or he could be traced back to me.
I don't know what to do.
It's simple in my head, leave for a night to find Dobby and then go and get Luna. But then I start thinking. What if Luna's not alone? What if Dobby can't get into the Manor? What if we set off alarms as soon as we get there? What if Voldemort finds me? What if it's all a trap? What if Luna's not there? What if Luna's dead?
That's the thought that keeps me up at night.
Luna Lovegood dead.
Merlins balls, I need to help her.
I'm sorry Harry, I thought I could stay here and be safe. I can't. I'm going to take a page from your book. I'm going to be reckless and stupid instead.
Love Draco
***
11th February, 1998
Harry,
I had to wait until the full moon for my plan. Sirius and Remus proved too good to get past. They knew I was up to something, they must have a sixth sense after all the bullshit they got into at school. But the full moons tomorrow night, they'll return as soon the sun rises, and that means I need to be gone before then.
Ella will be safe with them, she's protected and she'll stop Sirius and Remus from following after me. I've waited long enough to do something.
So, this might be the last letter I write. Hopefully I'll be back tomorrow and I can describe for you how Sirius and Remus act when their absolutely spitting mad at someone. I'll tell you the details of my punishment and how guilty they made me feel. But if not, there's a few things I want to write down.
First, as always, is about Ella. If you survive this war and I don't, can you look in on her from time to time? I want her to stay with Sirius and Remus (who'd have ever thought I'd want that?) but they'll be great parents for her. I don't want you to feel responsible for her, just look in on her and be in her life. The next part is hard to admit but here goes; if my parents survive I don't want her to go back to them. They love her, I know that, but the life she would have with them after all of this would be awful. She deserves a full, happy life and not one in the shadow of evil, dark wizards.
Second, tell Remus and Sirius not to blame themselves. I just couldn't stand by and do nothing any longer. The only reason I felt I could do this is because I knew I could rely on them to protect Ella. I know she's safe with them.
Thirdly, you.
I love you. You have to know that by now. But you also have to know that you make me brave. I don't think I'd ever have done what I'm about to do but now I'm willing, more than willing. I can't stop myself because I know that you wouldn't either. You never have.
I've left these letters in my top drawer with the gold galleon you gave me, I hope I'll be back soon and can get rid of this letter. But I wrote it just in case.
I love you,
Draco