It's My Party And I Cry If I Want To

After that fight, Sirius moved on with his life. Little by little, he began to improve, Reggie's friends were now his friends too. Everything was beginning to improve. He started eating again, attended classes, and got pretty high grades. 

He was still hurt, of course, he couldn't forget everything that had been done to him, but even so, he encouraged Regulus to talk to James again. He told Marlene that she didn't have to give up Quidditch, because he knew how much she loved it. They didn't need to put their lives aside to protect him, he was fine and would be better off if all his friends just kept going.

This does not mean that Sirius forgave everyone. No, he was still hurt. He still refused to exchange more than ten words with the Gryffindors, but he did his best. Sirius was fed up with being treated like someone innocent, who was definitely quick to forgive everyone he loved.

Everyone always painted him as "the pretty one of the group" and, don't get it wrong, he was happy that he was considered pretty, what bothered him was that, everyone said that just because he was pretty he was an idiot.

He always heard how it was that he was supposed to have no brain and that the only thing worth having about him was his pretty face. And, it would have been fine if it had just been random people. But once I heard the marauders make fun of it. They said yes, that he only seemed to be a pretty face and that he was smart only when he wanted to be.

That broke his heart. It made him feel worthless. That was why he was trying so hard now. And, when someone said it was just a good fuck, Barty and Dorcas beat that person until they sent him to Pomfrey.

He felt better now, although he couldn't help but look in the direction of the Gryffindor table, only to find a pair of golden eyes staring at him. Even if he wanted to, he could never get Moony out of his heart.

So far, he had missed 6 full moons, and he could see the consequences of that. Remus was more scarred than usual, knowing for a fact that even though Wormtail and Prongs tried to contain the wolf, they couldn't.

He had been the only one who could restrain Moony, at least enough so that he wouldn't hurt Remus so much. And that was why today, after so long, he had decided to join them this full moon. Just to no longer see the pain on Remus's face.

"Are you sure of this?" Regulus told him, noticeably concerned.

"Yes, Reggie, I'm sure. I'll just spend the moon and then come back, okay?" 

"...Fine. But make sure Potter doesn't do anything stupid." The youngest Black said, with a soft blush on his cheeks.

Sirius laughed softly, nodding and messing up Regulus's hair a little. 

"I will, Regulus." Sirius said, and with that, he left the Slytherin dormitory, heading towards the Whomping Willow.

Sirius had great deja vu at that moment. In addition to the beginning of a panic attack, as the memories of that night began to suffer again. She began to lose her breath and tears began to come out of her eyes.

"You come..." A soft voice said behind him, breaking out of that trance he was in.

"It's the least I could do."

He turned around, meeting Remus' soft gaze. She smiled softly at him, but in a matter of seconds, he walked away from him, going to a corner to smoke.

After a few hours, he transformed into Padfoot. He ran to lick the wolf, because he had missed him a lot. Afterwards, the only thing he remembers was them both running and licking each other.

The next morning, Sirius was lying on a scarred chest. Realizing where he was, he quickly retreated. Although their company had greatly improved Remus's situation, there were still many scars. 

Sirius quickly grabbed his wand and a small emergency kit, taking care of healing the minor wounds, as Barty had taught him a couple of tricks. I would leave the rest to Poppy.

At that moment, a soft moan of pain escaped the werewolf's lips.

"Sorry." Sirius said. "I'm not all that good with this, but it will help a little."

"It's okay." Remus said. "On the contrary, I should have thanked you for coming and now healing my wounds. Thanks, Sirius."

Remus smiled softly and took a lock of black hair, leaving it behind Sirius' ear. He stood frozen and shocked by his own actions.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't ask or give me permission beforehand."

At first, Sirius had remained still, not knowing when he longed for that contact. He shook his head and stood up, grabbing his sweater. (which, actually, was from Regulus) and fixed his hair.

"Don't worry, I'm not upset. Stay calm, I hope you get better." 

Sirius smiled at him and left the cabin, heading towards the castle. 

But as soon as he crossed the door of the Slytherin dormitory, he collapsed and began to cry.

"Sirius!" 

Regulus, Evan and Barty were at his side in a matter of seconds.

"What did they do to you? Did Lupin tell you something? He touch you? He attack you?"

"N—no... But... Sorry, guys. But I can't stop loving Remus. No matter what we go through, I still love him. My heart will never stop loving him." Sirius cried harder, beginning to scratch himself hard and draw blood.

"Ok, Sirius, I'm going to take your hands." Evan said before seeing Sirius nod, taking the raven-haired boy's hands.

Barty quickly went to her medicine cabinet, grabbing some ointment and beginning to gently apply it to Sirius's skin.

"... Sirius, no one can rule the heart. We are not angry, we understand that you love him. Yes, he did bad things, but he is still trying to make amends and we are not defending him, it is simply so that you do not punish yourself so much." Barty said while applying that ointment

"However, you are both still healing, so it would be best if you don't get involved with him, you can say hello and all that, but no flirting." Evan said, as he stood up and found a couple of snacks for everyone.

"And, most importantly, don't get involved with anyone. Give yourself the chance to heal, to know what you want, to be yourself again." And lastly, Regulus said, giving him a hug and resting his head on the man, his older brother

After that day, Sirius moved on with his life, but now, being nicer to the gryffindors. He and Remus still shared a certain tension, but they kept giving each other soft glances and small touches from time to time. 

He was glad when Regulus finally forgave James and they talked again. (James then humiliated himself so he could show Regulus, and Sirius, how sorry he was.)

At the end of the school year, Sirius and Regulus went to spend the holidays with the Potter's. Euphemia was happy to have the two Black brothers. He had confronted Walburga Black herself, making it clear to her that they were her children from now on.

Sirius spent most of his day practicing on the piano, playing songs and soft melodies from time to time, although he also practiced the electric guitar. The piano was for when he was immersed in his thoughts, sad, melancholic and very calm. The guitar was for when I needed to release too many emotions.  

Today was one of those days where he felt bad, sad, tired. So he walked to the piano room, sitting in that little chair. Regulus and James had gone out early for a walk on the beach, Euphemia and Fleamont had gone to London to get some ingredients they needed for dinner the day before they entered school.

Peter had come to visit them regularly, as had Barty, Evan, Dorcas, Marlene and Pandora.

He felt relieved when he started playing, but the song immediately made him begin to shed a few small tears, as it was a song he had composed the days after the prank.

"I used to float, now I just fall down

I used to know, but I'm not sure now

What I was made for

What was I made for?

Taking a drive, I was an ideal

Looked so alive, turns out, I'm not real

Just something you paid for

What was I made for?"

He remembered all those nights of crying, waking up in the dark from his nightmares, days where he hurt himself and just begged to disappear.

" 'Cause I, I

I don't know how to feel

But I wanna try

I don't know how to feel

But someday I might

Someday I might

When did it end? All the enjoyment

I'm sad again, don't tell my boyfriend

It's not what he's made for

What was I made for?

'Cause I, 'cause I

don't know how to feel

But I wanna try

I don't know how to feel

But someday I might

Someday I might

Think I forgot how to be happy

Something I'm not, but something I can be

Something I wait for

Something I'm made for

Something I'm made for..."

He didn't realize when scarred hands hugged him from behind, gently rubbing his back and saying soft, tender things to him.

"Oh Pads, i'm so sorry..."

True, Moony arrived today. He didn't have the strength to fight, so he simply stood up and hugged him tightly, crying in the taller man's arms.

"I love you so much, I'm sorry I didn't hear your version. I'm so sorry for what Snivellus did to you, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. No matter what, I will continue to love you, I can wait millions of lives for you and I can wait as long as you say for you to give me a chance again. I'm not that worthy of you, but I promise that I will make your life a dream, when you feel ready."

Sirius nodded and for the first time in so long, he felt whole again. He was already home again.