Shauna had been avoiding Melissa like the plague since they had shared that aggressive, careless kiss. Her thoughts were scrambled and racked with so much guilt, resentment and yearning.
Shauna misses Jackie. She misses the way her hair flowed onto her shoulders. She misses the way her smile made her eyes squint slightly. She misses the way she brought the team together. Most of all she misses the way she used to look at her, all soft hazel and gentle looks. Looks that spoke against the way she used to make her feel, overshadowed and forced into the cage that was Jackie Taylor's best friend.
She hates the way she sees those adoring looks and concerned glances in the seas of Melissa's eyes. She hates the way her heart thumps when their hands brush whilst butchering. She hates the way Melissa doesn't make her feel like she's trapped in a box of what she should be, how she should be.
She especially hates the fact that she had kissed Melissa back, and liked it. Really liked it, and if she had the courage to be honest with herself, really likes Melissa.
Melissa is long, flowing hair, pale skin and toothy grins. She sees Shauna, somebody finally sees her. All the hurt, all the years of being trapped, all the loss. Melissa sees her and apparently still likes her.
Shauna is pulled from her thoughts as she hears some kind of discourse happening outside her hut. God, what's going on now? Can't these morons find something else to do for once, instead of fighting with each other like they were children? Shauna thought, frustrated. She was always frustrated at something.
“Hey! Give that back!,” Mari shouted, annoyed.
“No, fuck you!,” Gen shouted back weakly.
Shauna sighed tiredly and stepped out of her hut, she was just going to see what was going on. She was not going to get involved, she tried to promise to herself.
Mari was tugging at an item that Gen had held tightly in her hands. If Shauna tried hard enough, she could imagine this happening back home, a dumb game of tug of war over lipstick or something stupid that normal teenage girls care about.
The shouting continued, both girls steadily getting more aggressive with each other, Shauna was about to get involved, just about to step up and say something hurtful to the both of them, before a pink hat appeared.
Melissa had somehow got in between them, holding them apart with toned, raised arms. Wait, why was Shauna noticing that she was toned? Shauna literally shook the thought from her head.
“What the fuck is going on?,” Melissa asked calmly, looking between the two arguing girls questioningly.
“She stole my hair tie! It's my last one!,” Mari exclaimed with an air of righteousness.
“Bullshit!,” Gen shot back, anger already returning to her eyes.
So it is over some dumb teenage girl thing, Shauna thought, shaking her head. She found their behaviour so childish that all she could do was laugh inwardly at it.
“Mari, come on. Everyone's shit is everyone's shit, you know that,” Melissa said, looking at her, disappointed that she would sink down to the level of fighting over a hair tie.
“She should fucking give it back! I don't care about anyone else's stuff but that hair tie is mine,” Mari seethed.
“Mari, when was the last time you even used it? Your hair’s not as thick as Gen's so why would it bother you as much-,” Melissa was cut off with a loud thwack, the sound of her head reverberating off the floor. Hard.
And suddenly, she was stock still on the earth below, her nose steadily dripping red. Shauna cursed under her breath, her feet taking her over to Melissa, without her own accord. Whatever, she thought, trying to not think about the fact that at this moment she really did care about the other girls’ well-being. Someone has to make sure she's not dead.
Shauna leaned down and checked Melissa's pulse, now only realising how fast her's had gotten. She was alive, thank god. Why does she even care anyway? Shauna shook her head again.
“She's fine. Now you two, stop acting like toddlers or I swear to god,” Shauna said dangerously, glaring at the two of them.
Gen leaned down next to Melissa, gently trying to wipe the blood from her nose, but the blood just kept seeping from it. She looked at Shauna worriedly, her mouth opening to say something.
“She'll be fine. I'll take her to my hut, she can rest there, away from you two fuckwads,” Again, Shauna glared dangerously at them, daring them to argue.
She wasn't sure why she was so set on the decision to have Melissa in her hut, or why she cared so much about her. The kiss was only her way of blocking out Jackie, right?
Shauna lifted up Melissa, bridal style, carrying the light girl into her hut, leaving the two girls outside shocked. Psycho Shipman taking care of someone? Someone she barely knew at that? Unheard of, since everything happened.
Shauna layed Melissa's limp body onto her bed of blankets and compacted grass. Her nose still hadn't stopped bleeding and Shauna tried helplessly to wipe the blood away. Her breathing grew heavier, and she reached for a discarded piece of cloth, holding it up to Melissa's wounded nose.
She really hoped she was okay, she didn't even know Mari could punch that well. Or maybe Melissa was really weak? Whatever, it didn't matter. She didn't even know why she hauled the girl in here anyway. Why would she care if she was alright?
Shauna didn't care, she didn't care about anyone except her baby. Her baby, which Melissa respected. God, nothing had ever felt so good as to hear those words of ‘I agree’. Someone agreed with and respected her, someone wasn't afraid of her. But she wanted everyone to be scared of her, right? She was a monster, someone to fear.
Melissa's nose had stopped bleeding when Shauna took the cloth away. That's good, Shauna thought. Now all she had to do was wake up and go back outside, sort out the idiots and then everything would go back to normal and she wouldn't have to think about Melissa ever again. Like she hadn't been thinking about the blonde girl a lot recently.
But Melissa didn't wake up, not soon enough anyway. Shauna sat by her side for at least an hour, her thoughts plagued with Melissa, her beauty and her compassion. And Jackie, her cold ear and her icy words.
At some point, Shauna's hand had made its way to Melissa's, holding it gently as if it would break. She hated herself for it, this was not what she was supposed to be doing, she was supposed to be kicking Melissa out her hut and taking out all her grief turned anger on people.
But she couldn't deny how soft and warm her hand was, so different to Jackie's frigid one. She couldn't deny how Melissa made her feel, it was what she felt with Jackie except she didn't feel discarded or overshadowed. She just felt appreciation and raw affection.
That scared her, it scared her and made her sick with guilt. How dare she harbour these feelings for someone, she shouldn't ever be allowed to lay a hand on anyone again.
All Shauna did was take, she took Jeff away from Jackie. She took Jackie away by kissing Melissa. She did not deserve the affection the blonde girl reciprocated.
But right now, in this moment, all Shauna felt for once was genuine awe and adoration for someone. Melissa's face was casted with orange light from a nearby candle, the light making the edges of her sleeping face all soft. She looked so relaxed, so peaceful, she was without the usual crease in her brow.
She looked like the teenager she was before the plane had crashed, and Shauna wanted to cry at how someone could look so beautiful.
She did once, when Jackie had worn Shauna's flannel at a party, claiming she was cold. Shauna was drunk and emotional and felt so overwhelmed that someone could be so beautiful but make her feel so overlooked. She figured out a lot that night, it was probably when the resentment started.
Shauna sighed to herself and looked away from Melissa, not being able to take looking at her bewitching face on top of her suffocating thoughts any longer.
Suddenly, Shauna felt a squeeze to her hand and she immediately ripped it away, as if the pale skin was burning her. She looked towards the once sleeping face to see blue eyes blearily blinking at her.
Melissa could feel her head pounding, a sound of discomfort resonating in the back of her throat. What the fuck happened? The thinking only worsened her headache, a low pained sound clawing its way from her dry throat.
Shauna sat up straighter, the knot in her stomach twisting, “Melissa?,” Shauna spoke out quietly, surprising herself at the gentleness of her words.
Melissa's brow furrowed, her eyes unfocused and blinking slowly up at Shauna, “Dude..what happened?,” She asked quietly, bringing a hand up to rub her forehead.
Shauna sniggered under her breath slightly, “Um..Mari kinda punched you? Her and Gen were arguing over something dumb,” Shauna rolled her eyes, “Don't you remember..?,” She asked, confused, the twist of worry getting worse. No, she did not care, she told herself. Well maybe she did, her thoughts whispered back to her.
“Uhh..No. Wait, Mari knocked me out? No fucking way,” Melissa laughed under breath, her toothy smile glinting in the light of the candle. Shauna sucked in a breath at the sight.
“I know, I didn't know she had it in her. But, uh how do you feel?,” Shauna asked cautiously, she hadn't asked anyone how they were in a while. Something about Melissa was different, but the same. Almost paralleling Jackie, but in a much nicer, softer way.
Melissa let out a breath, “Like shit,” She answered, “Um..Where am I..?,” She asked sheepishly, embarrassed that she didn't know the answer, her unfocused eyes trying to search Shauna's face.
Shauna saw the flicker of confusion in Melissa’s eyes, her worry only getting worse, no matter how many times she tried to deny it. “You're in my hut..you know the one I always ask you to get the rags out of after butchering?,” Shauna laughed nervously under her breath, she was too concerned about Melissa, she shouldn't be feeling any of the ways she's feeling towards her.
Melissa's gaze drifted, “Yeah, right. Um, cool,” She murmured awkwardly, god Shauna loved her awkward charm, it made each interaction with the girl feel more real than anything she had felt in months. “Have I been out for long?,” Melissa quietly mumbled again, her unfocused eyes still cast away to a corner of the shelter.
Shauna thought for a minute, her brows knitting together as she thought, “Hm, a little while,” Shauna said, assuming she had her track of time right. “You had me worried for a second,” Shauna smiled slightly, but instantly dropped it, cursing herself. God why the fuck did she say that? She hadn't been worried. She hadn't. She hadn't even thought about the girl once, she lied to herself, knowing full well that she was bullshitting.
“I'm completely fine,” Melissa lazily smiled up at Shauna, blinking slowly. “See?,” Melissa raised up a shaking hand, presumably to high five Shauna, but the brown haired girl just looked at her incredulously.
“You're not fine,” Shauna deadpanned, reaching for Melissa's arms and lowering her trembling limb back down onto the makeshift bed. “I think you might have a concussion, if I'm being honest,” Shauna shrugged slightly, raising her finger in front of Melissa's eyes. “Follow my finger with your eyes, okay, sweetie?,” Shauna asked tentatively, again, cursing herself inside. Fuck, why did she say that? She hasn't called anyone that since..since Javi she supposed, frowning.
Melissa nodded slightly, flushing at the nickname. Shauna started to slowly move her finger from left to right, her own brown eyes monitoring the jittery crystal blue ones following her finger. “So, do I have one?,” Melissa asked quietly, still trying to follow Shana's finger.
The brunette sighed and nodded, “Yeah, I think so, but if Misty finds out she'll probably want to confirm it,” Shauna shook her head at the thought, “We should probably get you some water,” She said suddenly, standing up.
It was about sunset, nearly all of the girls and Travis were back at camp now. There was only the soft glow of the candle in the hut though, the sun having made its way behind the trees.
“Um, okay, uh Shauna? Can you not tell anyone there's something wrong with me?,” Melissa looked up at her, pleading quietly with her eyes. Shauna smiled, a sweet smile that her face had almost forgotten, and nodded, walking out of the hut and into camp.
Shauna made it back to the hut successfully with a bowl of lukewarm water that had just been off the fire for a few minutes. She had avoided most questions from Gen, just saying that Melissa was resting. Which wasn't false.
When Shauna walked into the hut, she saw Melissa passed out, snoring softly. She sat next to the sleeping girl and placed the water to the side. Suddenly, Shauna raised a hand and pulled a loose strand of wavy blonde hair back behind Melissa's ear. The intimacy of the movement surprised her, her hand recoiling immediately. She needed to get herself under control.
Every hour, Shauna woke Melissa up slightly to check she hadn't slipped into a coma. She couldn't afford to lose anyone else out here.
Shauna had lost track of how many times she’d woken Melissa now. The fear was always there, coiled tight in her stomach, waiting for the moment Melissa wouldn’t respond. But she always did, slow and dazed and confused, and Shauna let herself breathe again.
This time, Melissa stirred with a small frown, eyes fluttering open, unfocused and hazy. She blinked up at Shauna, then, soft and quiet, she mumbled, “You’re pretty.”
Shauna stilled. It was just the concussion talking, she thought helplessly. Words slipping out unfiltered. But it still made the air catch in her throat.
“God, why am I always barking up the wrong tree?,” Melissa exhaled a tired laugh under her breath, closing her eyes again.
“What?,” Shauna asked, stunned by the statement.
Melissa ignored her, her voice light but tinged with something sad. “I mean, I really like you, I think it's kinda obvious. But you don’t…you don’t feel the same, so. It’s whatever.”
“Melissa…,” Shauna’s throat tightened. All her thoughts of guilt and affection and resentment were crushing down on her, it felt like the floor was going to swallow her whole.
“I mean, you kissed me back,” Melissa murmured, eyes barely open now, her voice slipping between exhaustion and something heavier. “But it was probably just… I dunno. A mistake? Maybe I was just there.” Melissa gave a small, tired shrug. “It’s okay, y’know? I get it. I’m not Jackie. No one ever will be.”
Shauna inhaled sharply. It wasn’t anger that hit her this time. Not like every time she heard that name. It was something quieter, heavier, softer.
Jackie, the ghost that Shauna will carry with her till the day she dies. But Melissa..Melissa wasn’t Jackie. Melissa was real, warm and alive. And she made Shauna feel the same things Jackie once had, but better, simpler. Without the sharp edges of guilt and rejection that had always been present with everything she did, even before the plane went down. And that scared her more than anything.
Melissa sighed, her voice barely more than a whisper. “It’s okay if you can’t. If you never..”
Shauna moved before she could think.
She cupped Melissa’s face, her touch light but steady, and Melissa’s breath hitched, startled. For a second, there was nothing but the quiet press of Shauna’s forehead against hers, the warmth of Melissa’s skin against her fingertips. Then, carefully, like she was still afraid she’d break something, Shauna kissed her.
It was soft. Slow. A quiet unraveling instead of a crash collision like before.
Melissa made a small sound against her lips, like she wasn’t sure this was happening, but then she kissed back, tilting into it with a profound gentleness. Her fingers curled weakly into Shauna’s hair, holding her there.
It was so much different this time, without the threat of a knife between them, stinging into Melissa's neck. It was soft, steady and honestly made Shauna want to start sobbing. What she would have done to have been able to have this with Jackie.
When they pulled apart, Melissa’s eyes were heavy lidded, her smile small and dazed. “Wow,” she murmured, voice thick with sleep. Shauna huffed a quiet laugh, brushing her thumb over Melissa’s cheek.
Melissa sighed, grinning up at Shauna giddily, her face still cast in the orange light of the candle beside them, her face lit with beauty.
Shauna swallowed, her heart rate still unsteady. “Go to sleep, Melissa.”
Melissa’s fingers tightened slightly in the other girl's hair, like she didn’t want to let go. “You’ll wake me up?”
“Yeah,” Shauna whispered, voice softer than she meant it to be. “I will.”
“Pinky promise?,” Melissa asked quietly, slightly delirious from her concussion and tiredness, taking her hands from dark hair and raising up her pinkie finger up to Shauna, her eyes wide.
Shauna smiled softly, again her face contorting in a way it hadn't in ages, and intertwined their pinkies together, whispering “Promise,” softly, before letting Melissa drift back into sleep.
She sighed to herself, maybe it was okay for her to like Melissa. Maybe it was okay, because Melissa was easy and liking her was simple, something she'd never had before. Maybe out here, it didn't even matter what she did.