And I Say To Myself
Sirius was a Gryffindor.
Regulus’s hands trembled as he clutched the paper. His brother wrote many words in his first letter to the younger Black, but they all faded into numb horror as the knowledge that Sirius was a Gryffindor washed over him. Every member of their family for the last several centuries had been a Slytherin, it was practically their birthright. To Regulus’s knowledge, no Black has ever been sorted into the house of the lion. Even the black sheep of the family like Alphard and Andy were snakes.
Mother is going to kill him.
Regulus ignored the part of him that wasn’t surprised, the part that knew his brother better than he knew himself and had always known Siri wouldn’t be in Slytherin. He hated studying and was far too brash and adventurous for the eagles or badgers, so really there was only one option left. The Seer was loath to admit that Sirius might as well be the poster boy of Gryffindor. He was bold, brave, and loyal to the ones he loved. He fit the house perfectly.
Regulus startled at the sound of an enraged scream and shattering glass. His shoulders tensed as pounding footsteps grew nearer and the door swung open with enough force to rattle the paintings on the wall.
Walburga Black was the picture of fury in his doorway.
“You will be a Slytherin,” she demanded. Regulus didn’t dare breathe when she stalked closer and jabbed the point of her wand into his chest. “You will go to Hogwarts and be sorted into Slytherin, then you will take over your traitorous brother’s duties as heir to this house. Do you understand me?”
“What-”
The matron’s eyes locked on to the paper still sitting in his lap and lit with a rage unlike any he had ever seen. “Incendio!”
Regulus gasped as the parchment went up in flames. He tried to scramble back from the scorching heat but was stopped by a skeletal hand grabbing a fistful of his hair. A cry of pain escaped him.
Walburga dragged his face up to meet hers and he was left scrambling for purchase against her robes. “Sirius is a traitor and a mudblood sympathizer. You are to cease all contact with him and focus on getting into Slytherin. Do you understand me, Regulus?”
Tears blurred his view of her twisted face. “But, Siri-”
Suddenly he was sprawled on the ground. The side of his face burned. He reached a shaky hand up to feel the cut on his cheekbone where her ring had sliced into his skin.
“You are a Slytherin.”
His mother looked down at him as though she was disgusted that someone like him could ever come from someone like her. “Perhaps you are in need of some proper motivation to encourage the correct choice.”
Regulus was shaking. “What do you-”
He was on fire. His blood was boiling in his veins, his brain was bursting out of his ears and his skin was cracking open to let the starlight burn out of him. All he could think of was pain. A burning, all-consuming pain that wracked through him and tore screams from his mouth.
Then it was over.
“Do not forget who you are, boy. You now have a role to fulfill in this family and I will not accept another disappointment.”
Walburga’s heels clacked against the floorboards as she retreated from his room. The door slammed shut behind her and he was left twitched on the ground in her wake.
Sirius had only been gone a day.
. . .
Sirius was buzzing with anxiety. His nail beds had been chewed into oblivion as he paced back and forth in his new dorm room, desperately hoping for the roiling in his gut to vanish.
“You seriously need to chill out, man.”
Sirius shot a glare at his new friend/roommate, James Potter. As the only son of Fleamont and Euphemia Potter, he was one of the few pureblood heirs that his parents would absolutely despise him keeping company with. The two of them met on the train and got along like a house on fire. Right now, though, Sirius was not enjoying the presence of the other boy.
“I can’t, James. Something is wrong and I’m stuck here, unable to do anything about it.” A hangnail on his thumb found its way in between his teeth. “Do you think McGonagall would let me use the floo if I said it was an emergency?”
James gave him an incredulous look. It was remarkably similar to the one Regulus often gave him when he proposed something ridiculous, but it looked so different on the Gryffindor’s dramatic, sun-kissed features. It still sent a pang through his chest.
“Look, Sirius, you haven’t even told us what the issue is. McGonagall isn’t going to let some random first year floo who-knows-where to do who-knows-what without any explanation. She probably wouldn’t let you even with an explanation, we literally just got here.”
Sirius wanted to rip his hair out. The sickness he felt was a familiar one, only ten times worse than it had ever been before. When Regulus tripped and almost fell down the stairs last summer, he felt these anxious butterflies fluttering around in his gut. Right now, it felt more like he had swallowed a beehive and gotten food poisoning at the same time. Something was wrong.
“Hey,” one of the other boys in the room decided to speak up. “You don’t have to share anything that you’re not comfortable with, but if you want to talk about what it is that’s making you so stressed out we can listen. The four of us are going to be roommates for the next seven years, after all. There’s bound to be some secrets passed between us eventually.”
The first thing Sirius had thought when he met Remus Lupin on the train was that no one should be allowed to be that beautiful yet so sad looking. He was tall with fluffy brown hair and a thick scar across his nose that spilled out onto freckled cheeks. His eyes reminded Sirius of his own, eyes that had seen more life than any eleven-year-old should have and spoke of a maturity that was forced upon him in order to survive. Remus felt like a kindred spirit. Needless to say, Sirius was a bit smitten.
“Yeah,” James agreed with a grin. “We’re friends, mate. Anything you say stays in this room, promise.”
Sirius bit his lip and glanced at the last boy sitting quietly on his own bed. Peter Pettigrew was as average as average gets, but his face was kind. It was quite the surprise when the mousy boy wasn’t sorted into Hufflepuff.
“No pressure,” Peter gave him a soft smile.
He sighed in defeat and plopped down on the trunk at the foot of his bed. “I mentioned that I have a brother, right?”
Three heads bobbed in unison. Sirius started twisting his hands together nervously.
“Regulus is only a year and a half younger than me, but he’s a complete danger magnet and super prone to getting sick, so I got a little… overprotective, growing up. Our parents weren’t really around that much, so I ended up taking care of him a lot. At some point, I realized that every time Reg was sick or in danger, I just kind of knew. Even if I wasn’t with him at the time, a part of me would just start screaming that something was wrong. When he got hurt I felt sick to my stomach and when he needed me, some sort of sixth sense guided me to him.” Sirius took a shaky breath and glanced at the wide eyes fixed on him. “I don’t know if it’s some kind of magical manifestation of my need to take care of him or what, but it still flares up whenever he’s in trouble.”
Understanding dawned on Remus’s face. “So when you said that something was wrong earlier…”
Sirius’s throat felt tight. “I meant that something was wrong with Regulus. He needs me and I’m stuck here with no way to get back to him. I can’t even send him a letter because it’s past curfew!”
The four of them sat in silence for a few moments.
“Well,” James sounded hesitant. “I might actually have a way for us to sneak outside so you can owl him, but it’s gotta be one of those doesn’t-leave-this-room things.”
Sirius had never agreed to something faster in his life.
. . .
“I can’t believe you have a bloody invisibility cloak,” Remus mumbled. The Gryffindors were hunched over in a little bundle of bodies so that they could all fit beneath James’s cloak without their feet showing. They had managed to shuffle their way out of the castle but didn’t dare take off the cloak despite the fact that they were outside. None of them were eager to get in trouble on their first night, but they also didn’t want to get left behind and be the odd one out.
“It’s a family heirloom,” James whispered back. Or, well, tried to whisper. Sirius had only known him for a day, but it had quickly become apparent that the Potter heir was about as subtle as a rhinoceros in a tea shop. Remus, on the other hand, was so quiet that they forgot he was even there half the time. It was strange considering the fact that he was one of the tallest people in their grade, but Sirius found himself enjoying the peace that he felt in the other boy’s presence. Peter was a happy medium, content to stay quiet but never hesitating to join in on the conversation when he had something to add.
Sirius wasn’t sure where he fit into it all.
“Mate, you realize that this is a crazy thing to share with your roommates the first day that you meet each other, right?” Remus was also clearly the most logical of the bunch.
“I mean, it wouldn’t really be fair to ask Sirius to spill his guts while the rest of us keep our secrets to ourselves, would it?” James tried to shrug but froze when it jostled the cloak.
Sirius glanced up at Remus just in time to see the pinched expression he gave in response.
He’s hiding something.
Sirius might’ve pried had that not been the exact moment that they reached the looming doors to the owlery. The building was obviously styled after a traditional wooden barn only double the size and with a smattering of seemingly random holes in the walls. The group of boys entered as quietly as they could and shed the invisibility cloak once they were sure they were alone. Peter immediately took off to explore every nook and cranny of the barn while James chuckled and trod off after him. Sirius glanced back at Remus and returned his reassuring smile as the taller boy nodded in understanding and made himself busy analyzing the wood grain of the floorboards.
Now with some sense of privacy, Sirius let out a shaky breath and withdrew an envelope from inside of his robes addressed to Regulus A. Black, Second Bedroom on the Topmost Floor, 12 Grimmauld Place, Islington, London. He made his way over to one of the school owls that was giving him a rather vicious glare for interrupting its sleep and produced a treat from his pocket.
“Sorry for bugging you this late, but could you please deliver this to Regulus Black? It’s important that you go directly to this room and not any of the others, I can’t have my mother finding this before him.”
The owl let out a disgruntled hoot and begrudgingly stuck out its leg. Sirius gave it a relieved smile and whispered his thanks as he secured the envelope to the bird. As soon as the letter was in its place, there was a flap of wings and the messenger took off to fulfill his duty. The Black Heir watched it go wistfully and startled at the warm feeling of a hand on his shoulder. He tipped his head back and met a pair of soulful brown eyes staring at him sympathetically.
“I’m sure everything is fine,” Remus said.
Sirius swallowed thickly. “Yeah,” he croaked. “You’re probably right.”
It had to be.