Break our fall
How could things have gone so wrong? How could James have stared at Mcgonagall with red eyes as she told him what had happened, as if he hadn’t already known? And how could Sirius have had the nerve to go back to their room that night and throw up, as if it wasn’t his fault? How could Lily have cried, as if she hadn’t been the one to make sure no one was around at the Astronomy Tower, clearing the way?
How could Remus have gone up to their bedroom, following Sirius? How could he have ever managed to open the bathroom door and kneel beside him, cleaning his clothes and face with the softest spell? How could he have ever kissed those lips again? As though bargaining for the forgiveness of his sins.
It was very early in the morning when the Ravenclaw girl found him. Word got out quite quickly after that. Professor McGonagall had called them up and informed them of the horrible accident with tears on her face, which had been a shock to Remus. He had never thought of her crying, couldn't even have pictured it if asked to. Such a disciplined woman, being brought to pieces.
Now, they sat alone ominously silent at Gryffindor Tower. Not quite looking into each-other’s eyes. Remus didn't dare show his face to anyone, scared of what they might find.
“It's done.” Sirius said, matter of factly. “It was an accident. His father knows that, never too worth it. Never too clever. They’ll say it was bound to happen, we’ll all mourn for some time, and then, life can begin again for us.”
He made it seem so easy, and yet, Remus felt a small tug in the back of his head —a cry for help, for justice— screaming at him to tear Sirius apart, to go back in time, to storm into the Ministry of Magic, get hold of a Time-Turner and change things, make things right.
The remaining life of the fireplace lit up the common room, casting an eerie shadow on their faces. Everyone else had gone to sleep, too perturbed by the horrible news that were going to be discussed over the course of the next few weeks by every Hogwarts student. Someone had patted Remus on the back softly before heading out, to express their condolences, but he hadn’t bothered looking up.
Lily watched the fire burning. Remus thought she wasn't really seeing it at all. Next to her, his face wet from tears and his glasses fogged, James finally turned off the radio as it broadcasted “…Was a member of a respected pure-blood wizarding family–”
“W-We’ll be at the funeral, of course” James stated.
Sirius nodded slightly and fixed the collar of his jacket.
Remus winced. He couldn’t think of a worse scenario, presenting themselves at the wake of a boy –for that’s what he was– they had driven to madness and death. Remus picked up the Marauder’s Map and a shiver ran down his spine. The boy’s name was still there, slowly fading. It was positioned in the hospital room, he figured they must’ve carried him there after the fall. The frail body being put together by magic, probably.
At that moment, Remus finally met the deep sadness that had threatened to crush him all day. He had been there, and done nothing, while Sirius Black committed a murder. He didn’t think he could ever step foot on the Astronomy Tower again. Never meet his own eyes in the mirror again. But things couldn’t have been handled differently, he knew that. They all did. It was either him, or them.
He sighed as the small dot on the map finally disappeared, erasing Peter Pettigrew of this world.
The next morning was so haunting, it made Remus wish it was a full moon. At least that way he could slip away from his consciousness for a few hours. God, the moon. He hadn’t thought about the next moon; who would help Sirius and James stop the Whomping Willow to get inside the Shack now Peter was gone? He wanted to cry in frustration, throw curses at the sky and erase the fact that they were murderers.
Merlin, why couldn’t Peter just fucking die on his own accord? Remus resented him for his idiotic choices and fearful whimpers. And, as true as it was that Remus had always seen himself as a monstrous creature, only now did he understand the real meaning of that word.
He tried to hold himself back from these thoughts. He couldn’t dwell on that just yet. First, he had to get up.
The sun hit him full on the face, not knowing or caring that he felt tormented. He saw James getting up with a grunt, and made for his quidditch robes, but seemed to have thought better of it, and put on a sweater instead. James and Sirius shared glances with secret meanings only they understood, that made Remus feel like an outsider; as though they were planning a prank for him and he had caught them red-handed.
Their room was worse than ever. All their clothes were scattered around the floor, Remus accidentally picked up Sirius’ uniform and put it on, clearly too short for him. Then he remembered classes were suspended anyway and threw it back on top of a chair.
Peter’s bed layed untouched and unmade on the right side of the circular room, just next to the window. He lingered for a second too long and sat on it, not really sure why. It was cozy, just like the rest of the beds. And the smell was that of new clothes and sweets. Peter was always insisting on Sirius buying some candy for the group whenever they were at Honeydukes. Remus found that really annoying, now that he thought of it. Is not like Wormtail didn’t have money of his own. Remus was perfectly aware that he was the only one out of place when it came to money.
Sirius barged into the room, “Oi! Moony, breakfast… What are you doing?”
“Nothing,” Remus quickly got up from Peter’s bed and scrambled around to find his trainers. He threw Sirius a side-eyed look as he put them on.
“Don’t be weird about this whole thing, alright? We need to pretend to be sad and shocked.” Sirius said, deadpan.
Remus stared at him in disbelief. Sirius never stopped surprising him, with his cold-bloodedness and blunt lines. He stood up to his full height and faced the long haired wizard, “I am sad, you bloody prick.”
Sirius stood his ground but his expression softened slightly, “I didn’t mean it like that” He said.
“Whatever” Remus mumbled and moved away from him, leaving their bedroom to get some breakfast.
Lily wasn’t at the Great Hall. Remus scanned the table looking for her but she was nowhere to be seen. He sat down in front of James, who was drinking some pumpkin juice and staring ahead, right through Remus. The place was almost empty. Not even the teacher’s table seemed complete yet. It was still pretty early in the morning, maybe they should’ve waited some hours before coming down to the Great Hall…
Sirius arrived just a few minutes after him and sat next to Remus, who sighed. James seemed to react to the movement and cleared his eyes.
“Where's Evans?” Sirius asked warily.
“Got sick. Met at her in the common room on my way here, but she just said she wasn’t feeling well and would stay in bed for the day,” He put down his goblet and tried to assemble himself, with little success. “I’m scared she’ll break, honestly.”
“She won't,” Remus said, “She knows that would be bad for you.”
“Yeah,” Sirius chimed in, “She wouldn’t push away her boyfriend like that”
Both James and Remus winced at the word push . Remus glared at Sirius, who realized his mistake and squeezed his face apologetically, “Sorry. I just mean she wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, Prongs.”
Remus bit the inside of his cheek, holding himself back from saying anything. God, Sirius could be so dense sometimes.
“Do you guys think she’ll take the train this afternoon?” James looked at them with imploring eyes.
They had been told that the Hogwarts Express would take them back to London that afternoon in order to attend Peter’s funeral. Everyone who was friends with him was expected to be there. Of course, that included the three of them; but Lily, Marlene and Mary had been thought of as well. Remus thought maybe they wanted to make it look like Peter had a lot of friends, when he really didn’t. The girls made him uncomfortable and Remus didn’t think he’d ever seen Peter alone with any of them like proper friends.
He wasn’t sure Lily would go, but he said, “Of course she’ll be there, James.”
James seemed to relax a bit on his seat but finished his eggs with a pained expression nevertheless.
Remus didn’t know what to say to him, he and Peter had known each-other for longer than anyone else in the group. He remembered James’ remorseful shriek the moment Peter started falling. Remus and Sirius had to hold him fast to prevent him from doing anything stupid. James regretted what they did. He felt guilty. And guilt is a dangerous feeling; one that can make you turn against your closest friends.
“D’you feel guilty or something, Wormtail?” Sirius snorted, “Come on, mate. It’s been two years and it’s been alright. I’m pretty sure we’re out of the woods by now.”
They were in the library, revising for their NEWTs. The afternoon had gone by on a particularly long potions lesson where they had to brew amortentia. Remus had been so worried the others would notice his potion smelled like ink and leather, he screwed it up on purpose. Afterwards he remembered it would, of course, smell different for everyone and cursed himself silently for getting a bad grade for nothing.
It was a very hot summer day, their cloaks laid forgotten on the back of their chairs. Remus studied the way Sirius’ unmade tie rested on his neck and bit the inside of his cheek, wishing they were alone.
James had been writing a note on one of his textbooks when Peter asked them whether they thought they should register as legal animagus. The three of them looked at him like he was crazy. He said he was anxious the ministry would discover them some other way and would imprison them.
Peter was wringing his hands. He looked at Remus for some support, but didn’t find any. Remus tried to comfort him, “Don’t worry, Pete. Why would anyone find out?”
“Because!” He seemed desperate to make them understand, “We’re all going to be applying for jobs soon and–”
“Merlin, you’re bringing me down,” James joked, pulling up his glasses.
“–A-and,” Peter continued, lowering his voice, “It’s bound to come up that we’re illegal animagus! I-I don’t want to end up in Azkaban… My dad says those dementors are the worst creatures he’s ever seen, and he's only ever seen them once.” He slumped down on his chair.
“Wormtail,” James started, looking Peter right in the eye, “We can’t do that. We did this to make Remus company on the full moons–” Remus looked down, a bit ashamed– “If we tell anyone, then that means they also know about him. Besides, do you think we confess and suddenly the ministry greets us with open arms and says ‘Oh, well, no problem boys! It’s a good thing you told us’?. Of course not, We’d be in big trouble even if we come clean. No. What’s done is done.”
Trust James Potter to bring reason to any conversation.
“Yeah, Peter,” Sirius said in a playful tone, “Don’t try to say anything, cause we’ll have to murder you. And you know I don’t kill rats, I hate the mess.”
They had all laughed and rolled their eyes, of course. Even Peter.
After breakfast, Sirius followed Remus outside the castle and all the way down to the lake. Remus felt grateful there was no one around. He took off his heavy coat as they sat on a patch of autumn sunlight, with their backs against a tree.
Remus pulled out a cigarette from his pocket and lit it up with a simple spell. Sirius watched him intently as he inhaled and then passed it over to him, like an unshared kiss. They stared at the lake in silence for a few minutes.
“D’you reckon James went back to find Lily?” Remus asked, tilting his head slightly.
“Maybe,” he said. “Can’t spend too much time apart, those two, can they?”
“Mmm” Remus hummed. “James will probably have a good cry with her before the funeral.”
Sirius snapped his head to look at him, and Remus realized Sirius hadn’t thought about that. There was guilt in his eyes, it was the first time Remus saw anything like it in Sirius since the accident. He had to admit he felt a twinge of jealousy, why did James get Sirius’ worries and not him? Had he thought of Remus at all these past few days?
“You’re right, maybe I should be with him right now…” He tossed the almost-finished cigarette to the side and made to get up, but Remus stopped him, taking hold of his arm.
“He’ll be okay. You said it yourself, he surely went back to look for Lily,” He felt selfish saying this, trying to keep Sirius to himself, even after what he did. “Stay here.” He whispered.
That seemed to do the trick. Sirius’ face softened as he sat back down, a little closer to Remus this time.
“I thought you were mad at me.” Sirius prompted.
I am , thought Remus. I am mad at you. I’m mad that we had to do this. I’m mad at myself for allowing it. I’m mad at Peter for blackmailing us, and turning against us. I’m mad at him for pretending to be our friend. I’m mad at you for being so exasperating and handsome, like some misbehaving dog.
He didn’t want to say any of this, he didn’t want to hurt anyone else. Least of all Sirius. Instead, he looked up at him and said, “Of course I’m not mad. You’d most likely be in Azkaban by now if we hadn't done it. I don’t want that, what would it be of me with you away?” He teased.
Sirius smiled, sensing the familiar playfulness they usually shared. He checked to see if anyone was around, but it was still pretty early; his right hand moved slowly up to Remus’s chest as he sighed dramatically, “You’d become a boring old man in just a few months.”
Remus opened his mouth to feign outrage, “Really? Well, what would you be doing without me, I wonder?!”
“Oh, don’t worry, James and I are having the time of our lives in Azkaban. The dementors quickly befriended us upon seeing just how much fun we were. Not you, darling. You wouldn’t last a day there, it’s good you’re not an illegal animagus.” He chuckled.
Remus laughed softly and rolled his eyes. He couldn’t believe he was actually laughing. He hadn’t noticed he’d been squinting his eyes from the sun until Sirius moved his head lightly to cover it. He leaned in and Remus thought for a moment about pulling back, not giving in to this horrible person. He had to remind himself of that, but how could he? When Sirius’ hair brushed his cheek silently. This wasn’t a horrible person. And, even if it was, so was he, when he thought about it. They were in this together.
“Sirius,” Remus whispered. “How bad is too bad?”
“You can be as bad as you want. And I’ll go with you.” He said, firmly.
Remus kissed him hungrily, and Sirius answered in the same way. Maybe love will break our fall, he thought.