Smile

That’s the time

You must keep on trying 

Smile, what’s the use of crying? 

You’ll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just smile

From “Smile” by Nat King Cole

~

Sirius only ever showed up late at night, under the deep cover of darkness. He’d curl into Remus’s side, basking in his warmth, breath shuddering and skin raised from whatever nightmare stirred him out of his sleep. 

Remus didn’t bother asking him if he was okay, didn’t bother trying to convince Sirius to talk. Sometimes he didn’t even wake up right away, and in fact only realized Sirius was there at all when he left in the morning, once the warmth he’d grown accustomed to turned icy cool in the pale sunrise. 

He just got used to it. 

~

The first time it shocked him- Sirius had stumbled to Remus’s four poster, tears streaming down his face, trembling like a leaf. 

“Padfoot?” Remus murmured, blinking, sleep lodged in his joints and aching in the back of his mind. 

“I- I’m sorry- I-I-” Sirius, who spoke five languages, had a vocabulary that rivaled Lily “Logophile” Evans’s, who spoke in sensual tones and who dripped of confidence, was stuttering and stumbling over his words, long fingers twisting in his nightshirt, his eyes darting around as though in terror that someone would see him. 

“Do you want to stay with me?” Remus asked, not knowing why the thought crossed his mind but knowing as soon as he said it that it was the right thing to say. 

Sirius didn’t answer, just seemed to fall into the bed, trembling as he folded into Remus’s arms, who held him. 

“Do you want to talk?” 

Sirius shook his head violently, pressing harder into Remus’s chest, twisting his fingers into Remus’s shirt instead of his own. 

Remus ignored the flutter in his chest at the motion, the way his skin tingled as Sirius’s fingers brushed against the skin of his stomach. It certainly wasn’t appropriate- but he couldn’t really help it. Anyone with eyes could see how devastatingly attractive Sirius was, and to feel him so close, and yet know… he was so far all the same. 

If Remus wasn’t so pleased, he’d be aching with longing. He tightened his hold around Sirius, content with the soft sigh Sirius breathed against his neck, and gently threaded his fingers through the ends of Sirius’s hair, marveling at the softness of the strands in between the pads of his fingers. 

“Thank you,” Sirius whispered, and Remus smiled at the knowledge that Sirius was no longer stuttering and stumbling over his words like his tongue wouldn’t work. 

“Always, Sirius,” he mumbled, hating that exhaustion gripped him- he wanted terribly to memorize the feeling of Sirius in his arms. “Just like you do for me.” 

Sirius mumbled something incoherent that drew an embarrassing shiver out of Remus, as he felt Sirius’s breath dance over his collar bone. 

He fell asleep promptly after, waking only briefly as Sirius slipped out from under his sheets, not turning back to Remus who watched him leave through half lidded eyes, the cold seeping into his skin at the missing contact. He’d been disappointed to see Sirius go, and angry with himself for falling asleep so quickly, not taking the time to learn Sirius’s breathing patterns in his sleep, not taking the time to memorize how Sirius’s hair spilled over the pillow like ink. 

~

It hadn’t mattered. Sirius had appeared again the next night, trembling once more, though lacking in tears- Remus hadn’t asked, just scooted aside to let Sirius slip under the covers with him. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

Another violent shake of his head, and mumbled thank you, and Remus fell asleep. 

~

Perhaps anyone else would’ve expected Sirius to treat him differently, but he hadn’t. As soon as the sun rose Remus was just Remus once more, just Moony, just any of the other Marauders. Sirius laughed with him, made fun of him, rolled his eyes at him, praised him, teased him- all of which he did with Peter and James, all of which he did with anyone. 

Sirius still flirted with every girl who showed interest- which is to say every girl. He’d bat his eyelashes, catch his bottom lip at the corner with his teeth, pink pressed against white, and chuckle as blushes rose into each of the girls’ cheeks, hands covered their mouths, hair was twirled between now shaking fingers. 

Remus had no right to be jealous. He knew Sirius came to him at night as a remedy for his nightmares- at least Remus assumed they were nightmares that left him shaking like that, words lodged in his throat, eyes frantic. Regardless, Remus felt it like a punch to his throat each time it happened. 

Every smile, lip bite, and chuckle felt like a personal blow to Remus’s self esteem. Like he was being cheated out of something that was rightfully his- but Sirius wasn’t an object. Sirius wasn’t his. He had no right to feel like something had been stolen from him, especially when he had no claim on it in the first place. 

James noticed. He’d raise an eyebrow at Remus, try to catch his eye, try and talk to him. Remus had a feeling James knew, because how could he not? James always knew. He wasn’t as oblivious as everyone liked to make him out to be- even Remus fell victim to that particular fallacy. But James knew. Remus was almost certain. 

He didn’t entertain him. He didn’t want Sirius to stop coming, even if every morning his heart thudded heavily to watch him leave, even if jealousy burned through him every time Sirius teased some girl who he’d never give more than a few moments with. 

What Remus wouldn’t give to be that girl, instead of just the clandestine treatment for whatever Sirius’s ailments were. 

“You okay?” James asked quietly as some Hufflepuff sixth year laughed too loudly at what Sirius was saying, a blush painting itself beneath her freckles. 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Remus spread butter over his toast in a manner too aggressive for such a mundane task. 

Peter raised a pointed eyebrow at Remus’s bread, but didn’t join the conversation. Remus was silently grateful. James was a difficult man to deal with when he believed something to be off with his friends, but Peter was a whole different type of hell. 

“You’re practically attacking your toast and glaring daggers into Sirius’s head,” James shrugged, voice still pitched low so Sirius, who was across the table, wouldn’t hear. 

“I’m not glaring at him,” Remus pointedly looked at James, showing rather than just saying that he wasn’t looking at Sirius, although he most certainly had been. As soon as his eyes left the back of Sirius’s head, he felt the intense urge to drag them back, to follow the curve of Sirius’s curls down to his shoulders, then his back, his waist… 

He wasn’t glaring. 

Remus felt heat rise to his cheeks and looked back at his toast. 

James coughed. “Well, if something was going on, if you were… erm, concerned or…” James trailed off, glancing at the Hufflepuff and then back to Remus, who was swirling his milk around in his glass. 

“I’m fine, Prongs.” 

James shrugged. He didn’t say anything for a moment. “Remus-”

“Potter,” Lily said, warmer than she likely meant to, as she sat beside him. Remus smiled silently to himself as James’s attention was wrenched away from him and he could return to studying Sirius. 

~

Remus was used to Sirius appearing in the dead of night, clinging to his own arms, a wild sort of fear in his eyes as he stumbled into Remus’s bed and pressed his body against Remus. It didn’t change the leaps his stomach went through each time Sirius’s skin connected with his own, or how he wished he wasn’t so tired each time so he could properly entertain how it felt to have Sirius cling to him like that- desperate and like he was the only thing holding him above water. 

That particular night Remus hadn’t been asleep however- he had been reading, lost in his page, nose nearly pressing against the paper as though getting closer to the words could transport him to that location, to where the fantastical was real. 

Remus supposed this was a silly thought. The fantastical was real. He was, quite literally, in a school of magic. 

Sirius pulled back the hangings around Remus’s four poster and Remus jumped, like a child caught awake when he should’ve been sleeping. Sirius’s eyes widened as he took in Remus’s lit wand, book in hand. 

“Oh,” he breathed, glancing around to the other beds as though nervous that they too were awake. Remus glanced at his watch- it was two in the morning. James would be asleep, as he had Quidditch practice the next morning, and Peter had entered back into his apparent phase of hypersomnia. Peter was the type to not sleep at all for weeks at a time, then suddenly not be able to keep his eyes open for more than five minutes. 

“Sirius,” Remus said quietly, casting a quick bookmark spell onto his page with a flick of his wand before closing his book with a gentle snap. “Would you like to stay with me?” 

Sirius took one final glance around the rest of the room then nodded silently, and slid himself beneath Remus’s covers, drawing the hangings back around them. 

“Sorry. I didn’t know you were awake,” Sirius mumbled, not quite turning into Remus’s chest as he usually did. Remus ignored the flutter of disappointment in his stomach at that. Of course, Sirius was still close to him- it was impossible not to be, in such a small bed. It was then that Remus noticed that Sirius wasn’t trembling tonight. He just looked exhausted, his eyelids barely staying open, shadows growing under his eyes as he nervously fumbled with his nightshirt. 

Remus couldn’t remember when he had last ever described Sirius as being just nervous, but that was how he looked. Like he was doing something he shouldn’t be. Like he’d been caught in a lie. Like he was embarrassed. Remus noted the dull pink in Sirius’s cheeks and felt heat rise to his own, although he was sure Sirius was just embarrassed to have decided to come see Remus yet again, this time Remus wide awake enough to truly realize he was there. 

“It’s alright,” Remus heard himself say, although he couldn’t quite remember what it was. 

Sirius smiled at him, a soft, careful thing, not at all like any of the smiles Sirius had ever given before. He smiled in a way that was different from anyone else who smiled. He gave all his fangirls the same lazy confident grin, one that left stomach’s rolling and drew eyes to his lips, and blushes to their cheeks. It spread through the person lucky enough to behold it like wildfire, licking their bones and straightening their spine, like maybe if they stood taller Sirius’s smile would widen or he’d kiss them. Remus only saw that one second hand. 

He did see all the rest though- the mischievous one, the one he always wore when a prank was in the works. He saw the genuine grin, the one Sirius wore when he was pleased, or particularly happy. The amused smirk- often after James did something embarrassing or Peter made a comment that he regretted. And of course the sneer- when Sirius was feeling nasty, particularly if his family was brought up or he was having a spat with someone. Remus and Sirius had quite a few spats, so Remus was well accustomed with that. 

But this smile- this sensitive, soft smile that curled up to Sirius’s eyes- this smile was new. Remus immediately studied it, memorizing the way it pulled at the cracks in Sirius’s lips, the set of his jaw when he wore it, the way his eyes crinkled lightly in delight- and something else too, but he couldn’t quite place it. 

“You alright, Moony?” Sirius asked, and his voice sounded like it was coming at Remus through water, because no, he wasn’t alright, he wanted to pounce on Sirius and snog him senseless, he wanted to hold him and run his fingers through those long black curls, he wanted to run his hand down Sirius’s back and flit playfully with the waistband of his pajama pants and was blushing just at the thought and Sirius must know what he was thinking, that was why he was sitting so awkwardly- 

And then the smile was slipping away and Remus nearly whined at the loss of it in his eyesight, and he just barely restrained himself, but couldn’t stop the words that fell from his lips hurriedly, without his permission- 

“Don’t stop smiling.” 

Sirius stared at him, his lips halfway back into a resting face, half still tilted up. Then Sirius smiled again, as though in slow motion, but it was that lazy confident grin quirking up into his lips, a pale blush coloring his cheeks, one Remus had never seen before mingled with that smile- and Remus felt like his insides were melting at that point, dripping like wax because no one had the right to look so goddamn perfect. 

“Anything for you,” Sirius murmured, and Remus was suddenly remembered the first night Sirius had come to him, and the incoherent mumbling that had flitted over Remus’s collarbones and waltzed into his heart. 

Did he mean that? Remus thought desperately, not trusting himself to speak as he gazed at Sirius, studying that grin of his, feeling like he was burning up from the inside. Does he mean that? 

Without him meaning to, Remus’s gaze zeroed in on Sirius’s lips, taking in the smirk of them, the way they were chapped but still looked soft. He wondered off handedly if Sirius was a passionate kisser- he felt he must be, with a name and attitude like that. Sirius. The brightest star in the sky. 

“Moony,” Sirius whispered, and Remus felt a shiver of delight as he studied how Sirius’s lips formed around each letter, as though there were something reverent about them. About him. About Remus. “Moony?” 

Remus could barely restrain himself as he forced himself to look back at Sirius, gone in his mind already. I’m yours, he thought. In his mind he’d long since thrown restraint to the wind and said it. I’m yours and I want desperately for you to be mine. 

“But you’re not,” Remus said, not quite meaning to, a burning sensation scorching up his arms. 

Sirius furrowed his brow and Remus wanted to kiss away the confusion, press his fingers against each crease and ease them back to how they were meant to be. “What?” 

“I- sorry, lost my train of thought,” Remus heard himself say. But it wasn’t true, and Sirius knew it. Remus could tell by the way his eyebrow twitched, his grin sliding dangerously close to sneer territory. But Remus didn’t want to fight. 

“Moony-” 

“Padfoot,” Remus echoed playfully, poking Sirius’s side. Sirius tsked, but smiled softly at him again, that gentle, careful, sensitive thing. Remus had never been so thankful for the light in the room, so he was certain he hadn't imagined the sight- yes being a werewolf gave him heightened senses at night, but they were only so much good.

“You tired?” Sirius yawned, curling into Remus’s side. Remus hadn’t even known he had a stomach left after Sirius had melted it with that grin of his, but he evidently did as it began to flip over and over. 

“Are you?” Remus shot back. 

“Exhausted.” 

Remus smiled at him and muttered, “Nox.” His eyes adjusted quickly to the dark, and he could see Sirius blinking frantically as his eyes tried to catch up with the change in visibility. 

“Thank you, moons,” Sirius mumbled after a few minutes. 

Remus didn’t trust himself to answer. 

~

The next morning, when Remus woke up, Sirius hadn’t left. He was still there, fast asleep, curled under Remus’s arm, fingers twisted in the fabric of Remus’s shirt, like Remus had tried to move away at night and Sirius had grabbed him. 

Remus felt a soft smile on his lips, a careful tender thing, like he was worried Sirius would wake up just by feeling Remus smiling at him. He didn’t- he just shifted closer, his mouth now mere moments from pressing against Remus’s neck. It made Remus’s pulse quicken, and he swore that Sirius must have heard it, because he shifted again, eyes fluttering open. 

“Oh,” Sirius mumbled, moving back and rubbing his eyes. He glanced around himself, as though unsure where he was, then his eyes widened. “Oh, I’m- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

The door to the bathroom opened and James spoke, making Sirius snap his mouth shut. “Where’s Sirius?” 

Sirius stared at Remus, eyes wide. 

“Moony? Do you know where Padfoot is?” James asked, walking towards Remus. 

“Erm,” Remus could sense the panic in Sirius’s eyes- he clearly didn’t want James to know where he was. “No- don’t come in here Prongs.” 

The footsteps stopped. Remus could all but see James tilt his head in confusion. “Why?” 

“I’m- erm- just don’t, please.” Remus’s voice was wispy, unsure, but James seemed to be walking away now. 

“Alright then.” 

“Bloody hell, stop yelling,” Peter grumbled, voice muffled as though half being spoken into a pillow. 

“Oh Wormy, trust me,” James’s voice had that hint of mischievousness in it. “YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ME YELL YET!” 

“Aye!” Peter’s bed springs whined as Remus heard him tumble to the floor. “Merlin’s bloody balls, James, what the hell?” 

James cackled, and Remus laughed with him, Sirius cracking a grin and seeming to try desperately not to laugh. 

“Okay but seriously-” James stopped laughing. “Where’s Sirius?” 

“Heh, Siriusly,” Peter giggled. 

“Wormy, do you know?” 

“How should I know?” Peter’s bed springs squeaked again, evidently he had returned to his bed. “I’m going back to sleep.” 

“Not until I find Padfoot!” 

“Use the damn map, James, Merlin,” Peter grumbled. “And people say you’re smart.”

“Oh!” 

Sirius groaned quietly and sat up, Remus’s body immediately protesting at the sudden cold. “I’m in here, James.” 

Remus didn’t expect those words to make his stomach tighten like it did- they hadn’t done anything, and in fact Sirius didn’t even know how Remus felt, but it was like he had told James they were shagging. 

James paused, and Peter’s bed squeaked again. Peter spoke first. 

“You two slept together?” 

Sirius pulled back the covers. “Not like that, you pervert,” he groaned, wincing at the sudden light. Remus didn’t move as he felt James and Peter’s eyes on him. 

“So… like what?” James asked cautiously, watching Sirius as he walked to his trunk and began fumbling through his trunk for clothes. 

“Like I couldn’t sleep, so I went to Remus and we talked, and I fell asleep,” Sirius said tightly. “And he was kind enough not to wake me up.” 

James watched Sirius for a moment, a flicker of concern ebbing through his face and then he looked at Remus. And the concern increased. And Remus wanted to curl under his covers to avoid his scrutinization.

“Alright,” James shrugged, finally looking away. He grabbed his broom. “Remus?” 

“Mm?” 

“Would you be willing to walk with me down to the pitch?” 

“Remus hates Quidditch,” Sirius said, standing, a bundle of clothes in his hand. 

“I’m not asking him to play, just to walk with me.” 

“Why?” 

“Because I’d like him to.” 

“I’ll walk with you, I’m about to change and Remus is still in his night things.” 

“Merlin’s sake Sirius, I want to walk with Remus!” 

Sirius stared at James, then shrugged, a tightness in his shoulders, and walked briskly into the bathroom, snapping the door behind him. 

Remus hesitated before shrugging at James. 

“Yeah, alright. I’ll walk with you.” 

James smiled at him and sat on his bed to wait as Remus grabbed some clothes from the top of his trunk and drew his hangings back around himself to change. Usually they’d all just change in front of each other, but Peter was still staring at Remus’s bed and James had fixed his eyes on Remus as soon as Sirius had left and he didn’t much feel like being watched so intently as he stripped. 

Sirius hadn’t left the bathroom by the time Remus was done, and Remus was pretty sure he would still be sulking by the time he returned. He tried not to be hurt by it. 

“Let’s go, Moony?” James prompted, glancing at the bathroom door with a slight tilt of his eyebrows that suggested annoyance at Sirius’s behavior. 

“Sure,” Remus sighed, his stomach flopping uncomfortably. It made him miss the tingles he felt whenever he was with Sirius, the warmth that spread from feeling his fingers brush past his stomach. 

James talked about nothing in particular as they left the dormitory and common room, grinning at Marlene and reminding her that she had practice, to which she responded with a swift middle finger and groan, voice cracked with exhaustion. Only once they were a safe distance away from other students, which is to say after James had collected a few muffins for himself and they were outside the castle, did he speak properly. 

Remus barely had time to collect himself and set the cool spring air set into his skin before James asked his question, in a rapid way, like he believed saying it quickly would diminish the pure nausea the question caused. 

“Are you queer, Remus?” 

Remus stopped. Stared at him. James took three steps before he noticed Remus wasn’t with him. 

“Moony?” 

“What the hell, Prongs.” 

It wasn’t a question. Remus knew James likely wouldn’t care, but why had he felt the need to throw it out like that? He’d thrown the question to the wind like a frisbee and had the gall to seem surprised when it returned to slice across his face. 

James seemed to realize his mistake. “Sorry- I mean, it’s fine if you are, it’s just… sometimes you seem like you might-”

“Fancy Sirius?” Remus finished bitterly. 

James shrugged helplessly. 

Remus began walking again, quickly. He figured James would want to know how often Sirius spent the night with him, if he was okay- Sirius used to sneak to James’s bed, Remus knew. He didn’t think he ever slept there, but they’d talk for hours in hushed whispers, until halfway through second year when Remus had tired of trying to sleep while listening to hissing and taught them an efficient silencing spell. 

Remus had assumed James thought Sirius was going to Remus instead now. Assumed he was just concerned for his best friend. Assumed he was concerned for Remus as they all knew how terrible Sirius’s nightmares could be, how terrible it could be to see him shattered and crying, eyes wide and begging because there were days when Sirius would feel the Cruciatus Curse beneath his skin and tear at his arms with his nails, Peter and James desperately trying to peel his hands off himself and Remus just trying to be soothing, because no one knew why but Sirius only calmed when it was Remus promising he’d be okay. 

“Remus, really, it’s okay if you do! I just don’t want Sirius to…” James trailed off, seeming to rethink his original sentence. “Sirius tends to act and then think, Remus, and if he… well, sometimes he changes his mind.” 

“We’re not doing anything, James,” Remus sighed, rubbing his temples and stopping his walking again. “He doesn’t even know I’m queer.” 

“So you are then?” James tilted his head slightly at him. 

“Yeah? I don’t know,” Remus ran his hand down his face. “I’ve never really thought about it. I suppose I am.” 

“You fancy Sirius?” 

“Of-bloody-course I fancy Sirius,” Remus shot, not quite meaning the anger that snapped through his words, cracking like a whip on Sirius’s name. He deflated in an instant. “How could I not?” 

He felt helpless, lost in Sirius, his entirely. It was like he was burning, scorching really. He’d never be able to live without Sirius’s heat in his heart, turning his bones to ash. Sirius Black, the brightest star in the sky, blinding against the pitch darkness of the rest of his life. Remus would simply shrivel if he spent one more moment with Sirius, but the thought of being without him made him terribly cold. 

Remus would much rather burn than freeze. 

James grimaced at him, gripping his shoulder. Remus had forgotten he was there. 

“Don’t let him burn you, mate.” 

He already has. 

“I’m not that desperate.” 

James smiled, like he knew Remus was lying, and ducked into the Quidditch pitch.

“I’m gonna go, Prongs.” 

“See you, Moony.” 

Remus walked back into the castle, shivering against the wind. He really did hate being cold. 

~

Remus wasn’t sure why, but he hadn’t expected Sirius to show that night. He’d stayed awake until about one in the morning, every cell in his body groaning in exhaust. The full moon was in about a week, and he couldn’t really  afford to stay up like that, but he wanted to actually talk to Sirius again- but then, his body shut down of its own accord and he woke up in the morning, Sirius creeping out of his covers and the cold twisting like a knife in his gut. 

“Padfoot,” Remus croaked quietly. 

Sirius froze, half risen out of his bed. “Did I wake you?” He whispered. “I didn’t mean to.” He rose the rest of the way and Remus reached out, hand wrapping loosely around Sirius’s wrist. 

Sirius froze, back straightening, fingers twitching. Remus didn’t quite let go, but Sirius could have easily slid his thin wrist out of his grip. He didn’t.

“Moony?” Sirius breathed, turning back to him slightly, and Remus sucked in a sharp breath. 

You’re so fucking beautiful. 

“You can stay, Sirius. If you want.” 

Sirius paused, then sat back down gently on the edge of Remus’s bed, tucking his feet back inside the barrier of the curtains, which he slid shut. He fixed his eyes on Remus and Remus swore in that moment there was no way Sirius didn’t know. There was no way Sirius couldn’t know, because Remus was crumbling to ash before him, and no one could possibly miss the way he was burning. 

“Okay,” Sirius breathed. And then Sirius’s gaze flickered, ever so slightly, over Remus’s lips. Remus felt his heart skip a beat. 

Remus coughed slightly, ignoring the heat blooming in his chest. “Good morning,” Remus said softly, propping himself up on his elbows, blinking sleep from his eyes. 

“Morning, Moons,” Sirius answered, smiling softly at him. “How’d you sleep?” 

“Mm, warm,” Remus answered, returning his smile. “You’re very warm.” 

“Funny, I always think you’re warm. Hardly want to leave.” 

“Then why do you?” 

Sirius blinked at him, eyes widening, as though he couldn’t imagine why Remus would ask him that. Remus found himself desperately wanting a response- or more accurately, needing one. Like he was parched and dying in a desert, knee deep in quicksand, and Sirius’s answer was a cup being lifted to his lips. 

“Good dreams?” Sirius asked.

Remus shrugged, ignoring the flicker of disappointment. “I don’t usually remember my dreams. You?” 

Sirius’s gaze darkened and he looked away, running his tongue over his lips, sucking in a small breath. “They were fine.” 

Remus frowned. “Nightmares?” 

Sirius shrugged, tugging on a strand of his hair, the curl straightening and bouncing back loosely. “They’re not so bad.” 

“Is that why you come over?” Remus asked, quieter than before. 

Sirius shrugged, not meeting Remus’s eyes. “I don’t really want to talk about it, Moony.” 

Remus nodded slowly. “Alright.” He paused, watching Sirius for a moment before he continued. “If you ever did want to talk, you could talk to me.” 

Sirius swallowed hard, his adam’s apple bobbing. He was staring at the pillow beneath Remus’s hand. 

“It’s usually just my parents,” he said quietly. Remus didn’t say anything, worried that if he interrupted Sirius wouldn’t talk anymore. Remus wanted him to know he was being listened to. “By our family tree. I just, ah…” Sirius swallowed again, licking his lips, not meeting Remus’s eyes. “I dunno.” 

Remus waited a few moments, but it seemed pretty clear Sirius wouldn’t continue. “You’re allowed to be upset, you know.” Sirius stared at him and Remus felt like he was positively smoldering under his gaze. “Even if you feel you shouldn’t be.” 

Remus had the distinct impression Sirius felt he couldn’t be hurt by his parents because his parents were in the wrong. Like Sirius choosing to do the right thing meant he had to become the perfect martyr- bleeding through a smile. Merlin I love his smile. 

Sirius sighed. “Sometimes they…” Sirius trailed off, glancing around wildly, his eyes wide. He breathed out low, a shuddering breath that shook his shoulders and made Remus want to hold him, take him back into his arms and let all his worry seep into Remus’s skin instead, so Sirius wouldn’t have to carry it all. 

“What?” Remus asked quietly, gently, hoping he wouldn’t scare Sirius away.

Sirius looked at him, his eyes wide, the gray stricken with something darker, something like fear. Remus had never seen fear in Sirius’s eyes like that. 

“Sometimes I think they’re serious,” Sirius said quietly, and all in one breath. “Sometimes I think they will.” 

“Will what?” 

“Kill me.” 

Remus felt his blood turn cold, his eyes wide, every joint in his body tightening, his muscles tensing in his shoulder, pressure building against his skin until he thought he would burst. “What?” 

Sirius held his eye. “They said they would before. I don’t believe them usually, cause blood is so important and they would never want to spill it but…” Sirius trailed off, looking away from Remus now, but Remus didn’t want him to. He wanted to hold his eyes, to see him, to really see what he meant. 

“It’s not a constant thing, but last christmas…” Sirius paused, rolling his shoulders back, twisting his fingers in his shirt again. “My mum said she would. Said she wanted to. And my dad kind of… smiled, I guess. He never smiles. I just…” Sirius shuddered, a film appearing over his eyes. “I dunno.” 

Remus grabbed Sirius’s hand, squeezing it, probably harder than he should have, because Sirius’s joints made a small pop, but he didn’t pull away. “Sirius, you can’t go back to them, if you think they’ll-” 

“Where would you want me to go?” Sirius asked bitterly. 

“James’s!” Remus exclaimed, louder than he meant, but other than a soft break in Peter’s snoring, neither of the other two seemed to have woken. “Or- or mine, or Peter’s or- anywhere, Sirius, if you think they’ll kill you-” 

“I don’t, really!” Sirius interrupted. “I mean- I dunno, it’s fine, Remus, honestly-” 

“It’s not fine, Sirius!” Remus squeezed his hand again. “You can’t-” 

And then Sirius kissed him, and Remus’s mind went blank. Sirius’s lips were against his, and moving, and pressing, and Remus dropped his hand, forgetting everything he’d ever known. When Sirius pulled back Remus just stared at him, heat flowing in his cheeks, his heart running at dangerously high speeds, so Remus worried it might burst out of his chest. 

“Sorry,” Sirius said softly, balling his hands into fists. “I should go.” 

Remus didn’t process what he said until Sirius was gone and a cool breeze drifted through his open curtains. 

~

Classes that day were difficult for Remus. His eyes kept getting drawn back to Sirius, who was sitting with James, laughing and acting perfectly… normal. It made knots wind in his stomach, and he knew Sirius had only kissed him to interrupt him, to confuse him, to get him to stop talking and it made him so angry and the moon was in a week and Remus was all sorts of worked up. 

He hated that he had kissed Sirius. He hated that Sirius had kissed him. He hated that he had enjoyed it, that he hadn’t pushed Sirius away immediately, that he had lost his train of thought in Sirius and his lips, and Remus just wanted to curl back in his bed- alone- and maybe cry a little, because if that summer came and Sirius died because Remus was too easily distracted then Remus didn’t know what he’d do. 

“Mr. Lupin.” 

“Mr. Lupin.” 

“Mr. Lupin!” McGonagall’s sharp voice jolted Remus out of his stupor. 

“Sorry professor erm- what was the question?” 

McGonagall eyed him a moment, then her gaze softened, just so slightly. “Would you care to explain why transfiguring a stone into a cushion is more difficult than transfiguring it into a gem?” 

“Er, a cushion is much bigger than the stone is so… erm, and it’s an entirely different property, while a gem is very similar to a stone and er… yeah.” Remus mentally smacked himself for his lack of eloquence. 

McGonagall didn’t seem to mind, although her eyebrow furrowed slightly in concern before she looked back to the rest of the class. “Quite right. Transforming any object into something larger or of entirely different properties will always be more difficult than keeping all things relatively the same. Now, that isn’t to say it’s impossible, and rather just requires practice.

“All of you may go collect a stone from the cupboard in the back and attempt to transform it into a pillow seat today, using the spell we studied during our last lesson. If you have any questions or require any assistance, I will be sitting at my desk grading your essays, which you will get back by the end of the period.” 

There was bustle as the students all rose and hurried to collect their stones. 

“You alright, Moony?” James ducked beside Remus, presenting to stones, which he had haphazardly summoned to himself, earning a reprimand from McGonagall and a few startled shouts- but no one was hurt, so James got let off with a warning. 

“Quite- cheers Prongs,” Remus lifted the stone James handed him. 

James seemed unconvinced, but at that moment Peter and Sirius both appeared at the table, carrying their own stones. 

“Couldn’t have gotten me one, eh?” Sirius said cheerily as he sat beside Remus, who shifted slightly away from him. If Sirius noticed he didn’t show it. 

“You can get your own, you lazy arse.” 

“Aw now, my deer friend, that’s quite rude!” Sirius grinned and James reached across the table to hit him round the head. 

“Guys, I don’t think I did it right…” Peter groaned, pushing his now bright pink and feathery stone towards them. 

“Not to worry, Wormtail, just try again!” James waved his wand, muttering an incantation and the stone returned to normal. 

“We’ve been learning this spell for a week, how do you not know it yet?” Sirius rolled his eyes and Peter glared at him. 

“I’d like to see you try then.” 

“Happy to,” Sirius smiled, waving his wand. “Verto!” The stone rumbled, then seemed to spread apart, its top layer seeming to restitch itself into cloth. 

Remus tapped the pillow, then smirked. “Still a rock on the inside, Pads, nice try though.” 

“You’re kidding!” Sirius grabbed his pillow then smiled cheekily. “Sorry Pete, you’re right, it’s a hard spell.” 

“Just for you, actually,” James smiled, presenting his pillow. “I didn’t have trouble at all.” 

“Arse.” 

“Git.” 

“We get it, you’re in love with each other,” Peter rolled his eyes. “Now someone teach me this damn spell.” 

Remus didn’t even attempt it, too tired and distracted to focus on magic. He helped Peter instead, studiously ignoring Sirius as well he could, unless he had a chance to make fun of him, which he took relentlessly. 

~

“Are you mad at me?” Sirius asked that night as they walked to muggle studies together. Remus had only taken it at Sirius’s request, as he had a muggle mother and his father didn’t often use magic, so he knew the muggle world quite well. 

“Am I?” 

“Merlin Remus,” Sirius stopped. “I don’t know!” 

“Figure it out then,” Remus didn’t stop walking and Sirius jogged up to him. 

“Is this because I- because of this morning?” Sirius asked, pressing a hand softly to Remus’s arm. Remus stiffened and shook him off. 

“No.” It most certainly was. 

“Because I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or- or make you think less of me, I swear my parents aren’t so bad, they were just angry-” 

“Not everything is about you, Sirius,” Remus snapped. Sirius stopped walking again, this time Remus with him. “Fuck off, yeah?” 

Remus hadn’t meant to snap like that, but his confusion and hatred for what happened that morning had morphed into what felt like pure rage at some point during Care of Magical Creatures, and walking with Sirius alone, without James or Peter to buffer him out, Remus couldn’t hold himself back anymore. Part of him wanted to yell at Sirius, to make his gray eyes widen and make him step back. Part of him wanted to slam Sirius against a wall and snog him senseless, until Sirius was the one who couldn’t remember how to speak properly. Part of him just wanted Sirius to smile at him, and part of him wanted Sirius to yell back, to hit or kick, to snarl and bring about a fight so Remus could feel like he wasn’t the only one who was going slightly mad. 

And of course Remus was terribly worried, but he didn’t know what to make about his new revelation of Sirius’s home life. There wasn’t anything he could do if Sirius wouldn’t do anything. He could tell a teacher of course, but it would do no good. Sirius would just deny it. He couldn’t break into his house and save him- well, perhaps he could, except he didn’t exactly know where Sirius lived. 

But he’s Sacred 28, a part of a family I literally studied before! There must be a way to find his address… 

Remus shook his head. That was insane. He couldn’t break into Sirius’s house. 

He’d settle for being angry at him. 

~

That night Sirius didn’t show. Remus stayed up, energy coursing through him until around three in the morning, but Sirius didn’t show. Remus woke up in the morning, and Sirius wasn’t even in the dorm. 

“Where’s Sirius?” James asked as he exited the bathroom, grabbing for his broom, furrowing his brows at Remus, who was alone. 

“Dunno,” Remus said, more coldly than he meant to. He had been freezing the whole night, his mind filled with howls and his bones aching as the full moon approached. 

“Did he stay with you last night?” James raised an eyebrow, seemingly unaffected by Remus’s tone. That made something clench in Remus’s gut, but he couldn’t yell at James- James didn’t yell back, James wasn’t Sirius. James was bloody perfect all the damn time and Remus was burning. Burning and crumbling and James didn’t even see it because his only imperfections were his damn glasses and Remus would be ash soon. 

“No,” Remus growled, turning back into his bed. 

“Moony,” James said softly, and Remus turned to him, not quite meaning to glare but knowing he was. “Do you want to walk with me?” 

“No James, I don’t.” 

“Would you?” 

Remus groaned and grabbed a pair of jeans and a shirt from his trunk, because he was tired and that was what was at the top. He threw it on and stood, crossing his arms. 

“You have the map?” James asked cheerily. 

Remus  shook his head and James clicked his tongue. 

“Do you forget you’re a wizard?” Remus asked sharply. 

James grinned. “You’re so smart Moony! Accio map!” 

“Let’s go then?” Remus found his tone slipping to bored- he could never properly be angry around James. James was just too cheery and nice to be angry around. 

James nodded, opening the map and scanning it. “Ah, Sirius is in the Great Hall! Perfect.” 

“Why am I going with you to find Sirius?” 

“Is it him you’re pissed at then?” 

“No.” 

James raised an eyebrow. Remus considered briefly telling James what Sirius had said. But James would freak out, Remus was sure. Perhaps it was wrong to carry the burden alone, but Sirius had trusted him over James. Maybe because he knew you’d do nothing. Remus ignored that thought. 

“Remus,” James said slowly. “If something is-” 

“Where are you two going?” Peter asked groggily, interrupting James, who turned brightly and grinned at him. 

“Quidditch and the Great Hall to find Sirius,” James responded brightly. 

Peter groaned. “Oh, I wouldn’t.” 

“Why not?” Remus asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“He spent the night with some Hufflepuff. If he didn’t show all night, he’s probably still with her. You know how he is with his birds,” Peter fell back on his pillows. Anger coursed through Remus again. 

“Still want me to walk with you James?” he said, ice layering his tone, snarl in his words. James turned to him, concern laced everywhere on his face, but Remus hardly processed it as he turned sharply on his heel and sped out of the dormitory. 

~

He walked around all morning, barely making it to class on time. He made a point to sit far away from Sirius by ordering a Ravenclaw to “Move,” and losing ten points for causing a disruption. He hardly cared. 

He felt Sirius’s eyes on him, but purposely didn’t look at him. Sirius didn’t try to talk to him again. Didn’t ask him to walk with him to any classes. He did, however, corner him before dinner. 

“Remus,” Sirius said sharply. 

Remus groaned, rolling his eyes and turning to Sirius, crossing his arms coolly. “What?” 

“What’s wrong?” Sirius’s gaze softened as he looked at him and Remus ignored the warmth in his chest. He refused to lose himself to Sirius, not when he didn’t even care. 

“Nothing.”

“Remus-” 

“I said nothing,” Remus repeated, anger sparking. “I’m going to the dorm.” 

“No- no, I’m sorry, please eat,” Sirius grabbed Remus’s arm. 

Remus froze, and turned to him. Sirius seemed to shrink slightly before his gaze. “I’m not very hungry,” he said tightly. 

Sirius stared at him a moment, then anger sparked in him too. “Goddammit Remus.” 

“Fuck off.” Remus stalked away before Sirius had a chance to properly yell. He hadn’t been that angry since second year when he’d found out that the other Marauders had decided to become animagi against his will and Peter almost blew himself up. He’d yelled until his voice was hoarse and spent the night in the common room, anger still coursing through him as he fell into a restless sleep, dreams of ripping apart flesh sitting heavily on his mind when he woke up, artificial screams echoing in his ears as he agreed to just help them, so at least they wouldn’t die in the process. 

~

Sirius didn’t show that night either, nor the next. He slept in the dorm, but he left with James to watch Quidditch practice and occasionally joined- James’s newest conquest was trying to convince Sirius to join the team, but Sirius didn’t seem very interested. 

Remus didn’t talk to him again either. The full moon was fast approaching, and Sirius seemed to finally realize he needed to leave Remus alone. It made Remus angrier somehow- like Sirius had no right to be understanding. Not to mention, it felt like he was misunderstanding what Remus wanted. Even though he wasn’t. Maybe he was. 

On the night of the full moon, Remus was more restless than usual. Bones aching, he walked alone to the Infirmary, ignoring James’s offers to walk with him as he left, a singular piece of bread in hand. Madame Pomfrey didn’t comment on his early arrival, but she did make him eat a sandwich and glass of juice as he waited for her to pack up for the night and for people to get to their dorms. 

Sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, he felt like he was too high strung, his skin buzzing and burning. He needed to move, but every motion grinded his bones together painfully. 

“Finish your juice, Remus,” Madame Pomfrey said, looking pointedly at the half empty glass. Remus grimaced but did as she asked, swallowing slowly, the liquid burning as it slid down his throat. “We’ll be leaving in five minutes.” 

“Alright,” Remus agreed, voice hoarse already. It’d be gone the next day. 

Five minutes later, Pomfrey led him down to the shrieking shack. As soon as she left the Marauders revealed themselves from under James’s cloak, which Sirius hid in the attack so in case the wolf got angry it wouldn’t be ripped. 

“Hi,” Remus rasped to James and Peter, only nodding at Sirius. As the moonlight teased his skin, the anger multiplied by nearly tenfold. 

James’s brow furrowed. “Your voice is already-” 

“I know,” Remus interrupted snappily. A surge of burning rushed up his back and his eyes widened. “Transform now!” 

~

Remus woke up on dirt, and knew something was wrong. He felt tenderly around his back- two open wounds, but nothing too terrible. He blinked in the sunlight. 

“Remus, Remus we need to get you to the shack!” James said, leaning over Remus and gripping his arm. Remus groaned at the sudden pressure. 

“Why aren’t I already in there?” Remus rasped. They always got him into the shack in time. 

James met eyes with Peter, who was wide eyed. 

“Where’s Padfoot?” Remus asked suddenly. 

“Sirius went back to the dorm,” Peter said evenly. 

“Why?” 

“Later, Moons,” James said. “You have to get to the shack before Pomfrey.” 

“James-” 

“Later,” James repeated, sharply, and Remus shut his mouth, exhaustion and surprise at James’s tone leaving him unable to argue. 

~

Sirius was there at lunch time when James and Peter came to visit him. Remus couldn’t help but notice his cloak drawn tight around him, and how he stayed a step behind the other two throughout their visit. Remus couldn’t bring himself to ask. He knew. 

I hurt Sirius. 

~

He slept restlessly that night, Sirius’s shaking body flickering before his eyelids from all the night he’d appeared at his bed. Only Sirius wasn’t shaking and coming to Remus for comfort. He was shaking and stumbling back, away, eyes frantic for escape as Remus came closer, hands up in surrender, but Sirius didn’t see kindness or safety in his hands. He just shook, so violently that Remus could almost feel wind being fanned towards him. And he frowned so deeply… I just want to see his smile. 

“Moony,” a hissed whisper made Remus jolt upright, every bone in his body groaning at the sudden movement. His joints were still fitting together properly, not quite knitted together right yet. It would take around three days to return to his version of normalcy, but Pomfrey would likely let him out the next day so he didn’t miss too much class. 

Remus blinked, eyes studying the curly black hair, the dark gray eyes, the handsome set of his jaw… 

“Sirius?” Remus asked stupidly, and much too loudly, as Sirius shushed him. Remus shook his head. “What- what are you doing- what are you doing here?” he whispered this. 

“I’m here for you,” Sirius shrugged. Remus’s heart thudded in his chest, so loudly against the night Remus was sure Sirius heard it. 

Then he smelled it. Iron- blood. 

“Are you bleeding?” 

Sirius winced at the question. 

Remus’s stomach dropped. “Let me see.” 

“It looks worse than it is, Remus-” 

“Let me see,” Remus ordered, desperately. 

Sirius sighed and lit his wand, Remus blinking three times as his eyes adjusted. Sirius put it in his mouth, gripping it tightly between his teeth as he slowly lifted the corner of his shirt to reveal a gash in his side, held together with patchy spell work. The skin around the edges of the wound was tinged black and green, a bruise growing behind the laceration. 

Remus choked. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, gently reaching a hand out. 

Sirius didn’t back away from him like he had in his dream. He gripped his wand in a hand before he spoke. “I know, Moons. You can’t control it.”

“You shouldn’t have gone,” Remus said, ignoring Sirius. “You can’t go again, what if- Sirius what if you’re infected or-” 

“You didn’t bite me, Remus, and I was Padfoot the whole time. I’m perfectly fine,” Sirius smiled softly at him, that sensitive, gentle thing that Remus didn’t understand. He was, if anything, more confused now by it- what did it mean? Why was he smiling at Remus at all? Sirius dropped his shirt back down.

Remus dragged his gaze away from where the wound was now hidden to Sirius’s eyes, still lit by his wandlight. “It’s not fine- you have to have Pomfrey fix it for you-” 

“Remus,” Sirius interrupted sharply, but not harshly. Remus looked at him, blinking away tears. “I’m fine. James patched me up.” 

“Not very well.” 

Sirius laughed. Why is he laughing? Remus thought, then immediately after- I love his laugh. “No, not very well. James is absolute shite at healing magic.” 

“Smile, Remus,” Sirius said softly, sitting on the edge of Remus’s bed. “I like your smile.” 

“I like your smile,” Remus shot back, not quite processing what Sirius had said. 

“I am smiling, Remus,” Sirius laughed again. “But you’re not,” he reached a hand out and gently slid his thumb over Remus’s cheek, Remus’s lips still refusing to quirk up as he looked into Sirius’s eyes. 

“Sirius… I can’t… lose you,” Remus said quietly, reverently, like he were telling some terrible dark secret. 

Sirius didn’t drop his hand from Remus’s cheek. “You didn’t. I’m fine.” 

“I mean when you go home.” 

Sirius’s hand fell. Remus missed its warmth immediately, but he refused to let it distract him. Sirius looked away, smile gone. 

“I never meant to stress you out, Remus,” Sirius said softly. “I don’t really think they will-” 

“Please don’t lie to me.” 

Sirius turned back to him. Remus’s breath caught in his throat. I’m yours. I’ve been sucked into your orbit, and I can never escape. I don’t even want to. 

“I’ll leave if they do anything, Remus.” Sirius breathed. Remus wouldn’t have heard it if he hadn’t had improved hearing from his lycanthropy. 

“You swear it?” Remus whispered back. He hadn’t even realized he was leaning closer until Sirius closed the space, kissing him softly, impossibly so, just a brush of the lips. Remus was hardly even sure it happened at all. 

“Sirius…” Remus said, refusing to let the fog in his mind distract him. 

“I solemnly swear, Remus,” Sirius said forcefully. “Anything for you.” 

I love you. 

“Thank you.” 

~

Things were different after that. Sirius came every night, but the girls stopped. He paid them no mind, not even bothering to show them that careless grin. It took Remus longer than it should have to realize that particular smile was directed at him now. It took him even longer than that to realize that Sirius continuously sent him that soft smile now- it wasn’t just a three time thing, it was five, then six, then ten, then too many to count. It was like every time Sirius looked at him and his lips quirked, they always ended up in that form, that gentle, beautiful form that stole the breath from Remus’s lungs in a way his careless grin couldn’t even do. 

As soon as he noticed, he couldn’t stop. He’d look at Sirius nearly constantly, just to catch a glimpse of it. He’d curl Sirius under his arm and study his mouth from the odd angle, heart fluttering as it saw that smile. 

That particular day, they were in the library. 

“Are you actually studying?” Remus asked incredulously as he sat beside Sirius, who grinned at him as he slid a book out from between the pages of his copy of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. The book he was really reading was none other than Romeo and Juliet. 

“I’m a romantic,” Sirius shrugged, sliding a bookmark into the book as he set it down, electing to bother his new ‘study’ partner. “I want a romance like them.” 

Remus rolled his eyes. “I’m guessing you didn’t finish the book then.” 

“Have you?” 

Remus shook his head. “No, but everyone knows how it ends. Hence why I won’t read it.” 

“What do you mean?” Sirius turned his head slightly to the side and Remus chuckled. 

“Muggle thing.” 

“Ooh, tell me!” Sirius grinned wider, and Remus’s lips quirked with his, a wide smile spreading across his face. 

“Well-” 

“There it is,” Sirius said, interrupting Remus as he stared at Remus, Remus’s stomach rolling. 

Remus frowned. “What?” 

“No, no, smile, Remus.” 

“What?” 

“Smile,” Sirius repeated softly, his grin softening with his voice. 

Remus couldn’t even fight it then, and he smiled. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Sirius whispered, eyes flicking over all of Remus’s face, not quite landing anywhere, but taking it in all at once. Remus was used to these comments by now- they’d kissed once (maybe twice, some audacious part of Remus’s mind whispered), and Sirius had started whispering those compliments that were reserved for people very near and dear to the heart- reserved for the women very near and dear to Sirius’s heart. Or… Remus would have assumed that was who they were reserved for, he’d never actually heard him say anything to any of them. Maybe they’re just for me. Remus ignored that thought- it was egotistical. 

“You’re not so bad yourself,” Remus answered. 

“I mean it, Moons. Vous êtes magnifique,” Sirius’s words were immensely quiet, even though Remus didn’t even know what it meant. He could guess, maybe. “Je crois que je suis amoureux de toi. Je pense que j’ai été.” 

“What’s that mean?” Remus asked. 

Sirius shrugged. “It’s just French.” 

Remus frowned. 

“Souris, chérie,” Sirius said, reprimandingly. “That means smile.”

Remus smiled again, rolling his eyes. “Very bossy of you.” 

“Tibi placet,” Sirius responded. 

“So what exactly is your obsession with French, all of a sudden?” Remus laughed. “Five years knowing you and it’s very rare to hear French from you.” 

Sirius chuckled quietly. “That was Latin, actually.” 

Remus rolled his eyes again. “You going to tell me what you’re saying?” 

“Some day, probably,” Sirius shrugged, absentmindedly flipping with the cover of his book. “As the muggles say: ‘Everything comes to he who waits.’” 

They had been learning muggle sayings in muggle studies. 

“Some day. Probably,” Remus clicked his tongue. “Not very promising.” 

“Isn’t it?” Sirius didn’t look away from his book, but Remus knew he wasn’t reading. Sirius’s eyes weren’t moving, and a pale pink color was spreading across his cheeks. 

“No, it isn’t,” Remus leaned back in his chair, eyes flicking over Sirius’s side profile, studying his jaw and eyes, the way a faint shadow of his eyelashes fluttered over his cheeks. 

“J'aimerais avoir le courage de te dire,” Sirius’s french took on a certain bitter quality. “Un Gryffindor je suis.” 

“Gryffindor?” Remus raised an eyebrow. “Now you’ve caught my attention. What are you saying?” 

“I told you, I’ll tell you, probably, some day.” Sirius smirked, looking up at Remus. 

Remus rolled his eyes and closed his own book, which was History of Magic, Year six. 

“Why can’t you tell me now?” 

Sirius shrugged and closed the book. “Don’t wanna,” he stuck his tongue out between his teeth, grinning cheekily. 

Remus’s stomach fluttered with butterflies, but he’d grown accustomed to it. “Arse.” 

“It is rather splendid, isn’t it”?” Sirius winked. 

Remus rolled his eyes. “It’s something.” 

“It’s beautiful and you know it, Lupin.” Sirius crossed his arms, grinning. 

“If you say so,” Remus sat back in his chair and looked over Sirius’s face, studying his pores. His heart seemed to melt a little as he watched him. 

Sirius smiled. “Like what you see, do you?” 

Remus looked away, warmth rising up his neck. Sirius rarely commented on Remus’s recent scrutinizations, but when he did it made Remus heavily embarrassed. He couldn’t quite discern if Sirius cared, and when Sirius didn’t say anything he could pretend he didn’t. 

“So?” Sirius’s breath dusted over the back of Remus’s neck and he turned back in shock at the proximity. Sirius was so close to his face Remus had to pick an eye to focus on. He pulled back lightly and the corner of Sirius’s lips twitched. 

“So what?” Remus asked, trying to seem natural as he leaned back. 

Sirius leaned closer, so close they were breathing the same air. “So, do you like what you see?” 

Remus couldn’t take it anymore. He closed the distance, bringing his lips against Sirius’s with as much gentleness he could gather. It turned out that that wasn’t much. 

Heat laced up Remus’s spine as Sirius kissed back, pressing into him, Remus’s head hitting the bookshelf behind him. He pulled at Sirius’s waist- which he didn’t remember having put his hands around, but there they were- and Sirius went without a fuss, clambering into Remus’s lap, his legs on either side of the chair. 

Everywhere Sirius touched him burned. Sirius was dragging his hands in tantalizingly slow strokes over his shoulders and arms, and Remus could only pull Sirius closer as Sirius twisted a hand to Remus’s chin and tilted it up, deepening the kiss, bringing Remus impossibly closer. 

Someone cleared their throat and Sirius scrambled off, turning sheepishly to face Madam Pince, who had an eyebrow raised so high it nearly disappeared into her hairline. Remus didn’t look at her- he hid his face in his hands, his skin still burning and his face quite possibly glowing with the red heat of embarrassment. 

“While I’m quite glad both of you are comfortable expressing your,” Pince coughed lightly, “attraction for each other so publicly, I really must insist that you take it somewhere more private. Do not give me that look, Mr. Black.” 

Sirius chuckled. “We’ll be sure to do that, but we were studying-” 

Remus peaked through his fingers to see Pince giving Sirius a withering glare. He groaned quietly and dropped his hands, grateful that it seemed his face had at least lost some of its color. 

“Sorry Madam Pince, we’ll be on our way,” Remus collected his book and shot Sirius a look, to which Sirius only smiled sheepishly. 

Remus left quickly, Sirius hurrying to follow. 

“Remus-” 

“Nope,” Remus interrupted, embarrassment flooding him. Why did you do that? His mind was screaming at him. Sirius is never going to talk to you again, he won’t come see you at night again, he won’t trust you, he’ll- 

“Moony, wait-” Sirius was hurrying after him, nearly running. Remus hadn’t realized he was running. He didn’t slow down. 

“Merlin, Moons!” Sirius thrust a hand out at him, but Remus ducked out of his grip, hurrying away. Sirius’s face kept flashing behind his eyes. 

Sirius appearing at his bedside, shaking and terrified. Sirius smiling at him despite the fact that Remus had hurt him. Every time Sirius had ever scowled at him. Sirius right behind him as he flipped around, and crawling into his lap at one tug from Remus’s hands. Sirius cold on the floor, because he lied to you, because he’s going to die, and he’s not even going to tell you because you ruined everything, because you’re a monster, because you hurt him and kissed him and kept staring at him even though it made him uncomfortable- 

Remus slammed the door of the dorm before Sirius could say anything more. 

“Moony, open this door,” Sirius’s voice was muffled by the wood. “Moony.” 

Remus didn’t answer, and eventually Sirius huffed. 

“Fine, whatever. Don’t talk to me, then. See if I care,” Sirius grumbled. “Et là, j'ai pensé que peut-être vous… Ay, whatever.” 

~

That night, Sirius wasn’t in the dorm room. Remus hadn’t gone to dinner, and apparently Sirius hadn’t either, because when James and Peter returned to the dorm, they threw the door open, arms crossed, eyes set to roll. 

“You two gits missed din-” James cut himself off as Peter looked around the room suspiciously, as though Sirius might be hiding in the red wallpaper. 

“Where’s Padfoot?” Peter asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Hell if I know,” Remus snapped. 

“Did something happen?” James asked cautiously. 

“No,” Remus slid his curtains shut and ignored the unhappy pang his heart gave. Yes James, something happened. I happened. And here you were worried he’d hurt me. 

~

“Where were you last night, you didn’t even show on the map,” James scolded that morning, waking everyone up. Remus opened his curtains and saw Peter had done the same and was looking between James and Sirius nervously. Sirius’s face was impassive, but James looked angry. 

“Last minute Hogsmeade trip,” Sirius shrugged. 

“And what, you stayed out all night?” 

“Just because you have nothing better to do at night but look for me…” Sirius let the implication hang in the air and James’s cheeks turned rosy. 

“You’re still in your things from yesterday.” 

“Mm, didn’t have much need for them.” 

“Sirius!” 

“Fuck off, will you?” Sirius didn’t actually sound particularly angry, and he still looked impassive, if a little sad. His gaze flicked to Remus but he quickly looked away. Remus felt cold. 

James strode across the room and grabbed Sirius’s arm, whispering something to him. Sirius shook him off. 

“I said, fuck off.” 

James stepped back and raised an eyebrow at Sirius. 

“What?” 

“Your breath smells like firewhiskey,” James scolded. 

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Aberforth.” 

“What, you slept with Aberforth for a bit of alcohol?” 

“I didn’t sleep with anyone,” Sirius snapped. “I paid for the alcohol, and didn’t fancy sleeping here.” 

“So where’d you sleep?” 

“Near Honeydukes.” 

“Because you ‘didn’t fancy sleeping here,’ or because you were drunk?” 

“James Fleamont Potter-” Sirius cut himself off and scoffed. “Look, I’m going to get breakfast.” He strided out of the room, leaving a pile of new clothes abandoned on his bed. 

James turned to the rest of the room- there was nothing like the anger on his face. Remus was almost scared- but James wasn’t focused on him, nor on Peter. 

“That bloody git- he can’t talk like that, he can’t do things like that- you know, I’m always fucking there for him, and he always gets that snappy tone with me, like he can’t be fucking bothered. I’m sick of it! I’m sick and fucking tired and-” 

“James,” Peter interrupted. James twirled to him and Remus fought the urge to shake his head at Peter- you’re messing with fire. “I think it’s summer coming up,” he said quietly. James seemed to deflate. Remus felt suddenly very cold. 

“Only two weeks left,” Peter continued. “I don’t think it’s you. I think he’s just…” Peter sighed. “I think he’s scared.” 

James bit his lip and turned to Remus. “Is he still sleeping with you?” 

Remus hesitated. “He was,” he said. “But- James, it… it might be me.” 

James raised an eyebrow. Remus glanced at Peter, hoping it wasn’t too pointed. Peter rolled his eyes and stood. 

“Got it.” he stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Remus winced. 

“He’ll get over it,” James waved an impatient hand and came to sit by Remus. “What happened?” 

“I- well, we kissed,” Remus didn’t look at James. “I kissed him. I don’t think- I mean, I don’t really think he wanted me to.” 

James didn’t answer. 

“I should apologize.” 

James seemed to be thinking heavily about something. “Okay,” he said finally. 

Remus smiled tightly and grabbed a pair of robes, which he slipped on before leaving the room. 

~

Sirius groaned when Remus sat beside him. “Don’t tell me- James sent you after me because he feels poorly about yelling so close to when it's time to return to home sweet home. Well, you can tell him I’m fine, he can yell at me if he likes, and that I’ll be sure to tell my mum and dad he doesn’t approve of their techniques.” 

“I came to apologize, actually,” Remus said, wincing at the mention of Sirius’s mother and father. Sirius looked puzzled. “For ki- for yesterday.” 

Sirius’s eyes widened and he gasped. “No, Moony, you don’t have to- I’m sorry I got so close to you, I shouldn’t have pressed, you were clearly uncomfortable and-” 

Remus raised up a hand. “I mean it, I’m sorry I-” 

“Moony-” Sirius cut himself off, glancing around the Great Hall. “Oh, come with me.” He grabbed Remus’s wrist and tugged. 

Remus ignored the heat that laced up his arm at Sirius’s touch. That was how they got into this mess in the first place. Sirius dragged him into an empty classroom. 

“I’m not upset you kissed me,” Sirius said in a rush, as soon as the door was closed. 

Remus blinked. “You’re not?” Dread pooled in his stomach. “Shit- I thought- so you are worried about your parents, and I’ve been too busy-” Remus stopped speaking promptly as the dread spread under his skin, cold. He’d been so busy studying Sirius, imagining kissing him, thinking about his smile, that he hadn’t noticed as it got worse. Had Sirius gotten a letter? Had he just been looking for a distraction? He’d needed a friend, and Remus had been too distracted to even notice. 

“Remus, honestly,” Sirius sounded exasperated. “I was upset with myself- you ran away from me, and I get it, I do.” 

Remus frowned. “What?” 

“Souris,” Sirius mumbled. “That means smile- look, you don’t have to… like me, or want to kiss me or anything, and I’ll stop, I swear, but I want to be friends, if nothing else. I don’t want to lose you, Remus, I can’t.” 

Remus gaped at him for a moment. 

“Souris,” Sirius repeated, and Remus's lips quirked involuntarily. Sirius’s lips echoed his. “Thank you.” 

Remus shook his head and frowned again. 

“Remus, honestly,” Sirius rolled his eyes. “Souris, souris!” 

“Yeah, sorry, smiling-” Remus frowned again. “Don’t, wait, I need to think.” 

Sirius snapped his mouth shut and watched Remus, turning his head slightly to the side, the way a dog might. 

“You- I thought you were mad at me,” Remus said finally. 

“For what?” 

“For kissing you.” 

Sirius barked a laugh, but there was little actual humor in it. “Excuse me? Remus, I was right by your face- I sat on your lap, why would I be upset?” 

“I- I pulled you into my lap,” Remus muttered. Although that wasn’t really true- he tugged, sure, but barely, and Sirius had gone at once. 

“Hardly,” Sirius tsked. He paused. “So- does that mean you…” Sirius trailed off, looking uncertain. 

Remus smiled at him. “Souris,” he said, trying to imitate Sirius’s flawless french. 

Sirius raised an eyebrow at him, but his lips tipped up just the same. “Do you want me to kiss you, Lupin?” 

“No,” Remus said. Sirius’s face fell, and Remus quickly stepped into his space. “I want to kiss you.” 

And so he did. 

~

That summer met Remus two weeks in with an owl at his window from James. It pecked insistently at his window in the early morning light and Remus groaned as he walked to it, his bones creaking with each step. The full moon had passed about three days ago, and his joints were still fitting back together. 

“Alright, alright,” he grumbled, wobbling as he blinked sleep from his eyes and threw the window open with possibly more force than was strictly necessary. 

Moony-

You may want to visit today. I won’t say any more than that, but I think you’ll enjoy it. 

And don’t worry, my parents have expressed permission. 

Be quick,

Prongs 

Remus frowned. He did quite fancy a visit with James, but there was an odd sense of mischievous urgency in his letter that made Remus skeptical that this was actually a visit rather than a prank meeting. 

He grabbed a spare bit of parchment, wrote that he’d see what his mother said, and tied it to the leg of James’s owl, Deery, who hooted happily and flew out of the window. 

When Remus went down the hall to the kitchen, his mother was already awake- which was unusual, because she slept in far too late most mornings- and his dad was sitting at the table reading the paper. Lyall looked up through his glasses, lifting an eyebrow. 

“What’s got you up so early?” he asked. 

Remus glanced at his mom, who was making pancakes and watching him, then at his dad. Summer fog made him slow and sleepy, but he did have a point here. “Uh- James invited me over. Today. Can I go?” 

“Do his parents know?” Hope asked quickly, looking up pointedly. There had been an incident last break- an incident involving James convincing Remus and Peter they should come to Potter Manor despite his parents knowing nothing of it, and Remus and Peter had crashed a wedding the Potter’s were hosting for some cousin or other. James had found it very entertaining- Lyall and Hope had too, but they’d had to be angry because they were adults. 

“Yes,” Remus said, holding his letter in his hand. Lyall held out a hand to take it. He skimmed it over then looked back up, seeming unconvinced. 

“He ‘thinks you’ll enjoy it?’” Lyall asked. “Is there another wedding? How many cousins does that damn family have?” 

“To be fair, I did enjoy the wedding.” 

“Remus,” Hope scolded. Remus, being such a good child, pretended not to see the ghost of a smirk on her face. 

“And the full moon’s not for ages-” 

“Yes, because it just happened,” Lyall licked a finger and turned the page of his paper. 

“And this is James! Must be something fun.” 

“Oh fine- but you’re eating first,” Hope said, as though it had taken more convincing than it had.

“Mm, take a camera,” Lyall said, not looking up from his paper. “If it’s another wedding, I want a picture of the bride’s face.” 

“I married a terrible man,” Hope said dryly, flipping pancakes onto a plate. 

~

Remus arrived rather late in the afternoon at James’s house, and when he knocked on the door, no one came for a moment. He stood, shifting uncomfortably, really hoping he wouldn’t have to walk all the way back to the subway station in the heat, and then the door flew open. James stood, grinning broadly, hair a mess as though he’d been flying recently, and shirt dirt stained, as though he’d fallen off his broom recently. 

“Sirius agreed to join the Quidditch Team next year!” he told Remus happily. 

“What?” Remus blinked. “That’s why you wanted me here? James, you could have said that in a letter-” 

“Except he was supposed to let me say it.” 

Remus stopped talking at once, and shoved James out of the way unceremoniously. Sirius stood, looking rather haggard and tired, at the end of the stairs. There was a long scratch down his arm and a bruise on his jaw, but he was smiling, and there, and safe, and Remus (embarrassingly enough) flew into the room and crushed him in a hug. 

Sirius yelped, breathing in sharply, and Remus pulled back. “Oh- sorry, sorry, did I hurt you? I didn’t mean to-” 

“I’m fine,” Sirius said quickly. “Minor bruising on my ribs. I’m fine.” 

“Your ribs, what the hell?” 

“He is fine,” James said, quickly. “My mum cleaned up what she could, but didn’t want to overload him with magic when he turned up. Peter’s upstairs. Sirius pushed me off my broom and has been trying to beat Peter at chess since.” 

“Merlin, I should have come sooner,” Remus frowned. 

Sirius rolled his eyes. “How many fucking times do I have to say souris before you just do-mmf!” 

Remus didn’t quite mean to kiss him, but he did, and when Sirius kissed back, Remus felt as though someone had lit his bones on fire. He thought he could live with that, if only Sirius kept kissing him. 

“Um,” James interrupted, with a cough. “You’re cute and all, but I don’t really want to watch-” 

“Fuck off Potter,” Sirius interrupted, and pulled Remus back to him. 

“Ay, ay, ay,” Remus could have imagined James shaking his head as he said it, if he was capable of thinking anything at all. He heard footsteps retreating upstairs. “Hormones.”