Chapter 2
Scorpius awoke, tried sitting up, and instantly became so dizzy he decided laying back down was safer. At least he seemed to have made it back to his room in one piece yesterday, although he wasn’t quite clear on the journey. Other than that, most other details of the night were, unfortunately, shockingly clear. Certainly, there had been some highlights (pretty much all the time he had gotten to spend with Albus) but they were rare and struggled not to be overshadowed by the constant horror of everything else. His cheeks heated when remembering the kisses they had exchanged, then heated some more in shame when remembering why they had ended. Today was likely going to be… awkward, to say the least.
On top of the physical hangover that made him want to lay here quietly and die, the emotional turmoil he was experiencing did not make the prospect of getting up any more appealing. Getting up meant having to face another meal with his family, who he wasn’t quite sure which version of himself to be around. It was his fault that they had grown apart as far as they had, so he felt the irrational urge to act as though they had not missed a single moment in his life. And yet, acting like his twelve-year-old self did not seem like a wise choice at all – he had been an absolute mess. Going back to that, with Albus potentially (probably? hopefully?) right next to him, who would certainly notice and then chew him out in the kindest, most understanding way possible whenever they decided to talk about it? He would rather not. Obviously, he appreciated how careful Albus was with him, but his more self-destructive urges would have preferred if he did something Scorpius could use as an excuse to start a fight. It seemed yesterday had not cured him of the urge to make bad decisions.
Were he an entirely different man, this hangover may have had him vow never to touch another drop of alcohol. Things being as they were, he mostly bemoaned being sober. But, after the excess he had permitted himself in an emotional haze that was certainly unbecoming of either a Malfoy or a Greengrass, he knew he could not allow himself to be seen drinking again anytime soon. He had not been too out of it to notice the cutting stares of judgement he had been receiving after his… well, he hadn’t counted, but it must have been his fourth glass at least. They hadn’t danced yet, Albus and him, so it must have been early in the evening still.
Maybe if he had slowed down with the champagne, Scorpius wouldn’t have been too hung over to get to the potion in the bathroom that would cure his physical ailments at the very least. He should have grabbed it when he was in there vomiting at some point earlier, but in the grand scheme of things, it felt silly to scold himself for that mistake when he had so very many to choose from.
Like, number one: Insisting Albus wear something formal, because it had distracted him so much his already rusty French had likely been abysmal. The society his grandparents kept was too polite to point it out, but he wasn’t holding his breath for such kindness from his grandmother herself. She had always loved the language and it was mostly on her wish that the Greengrass family had remained in France even after it wasn’t necessary anymore. Had he embarrassed her? He had tried his very best not to, but in the light of day his efforts felt empty and meaningless when compared to the countless faux-pas he now was sure he had committed.
Number two: All the social faux-pas, because if every single one was given its own number, he would be here all day. Which was increasingly tempting, if he was honest. This room, with its light blues and the enchanted canopy that showed whichever constellation one might wish for, had always been his favourite to sleep in. When he was young, his mother had- Alright then, time to get up. If he kept thinking about things like this, the emotional numbness he needed would instantly be out of reach and no longer achievable without anything to take the edge off. Better to struggle with dizziness than with another round of sobbing.
Managing to get to the bathroom without throwing up or falling over was a win, managing to keep down the hangover cure long enough for it to work despite the taste as well. Which obviously meant it was once again time to mentally chastise himself for everything he had done wrong, lest he became conceited.
Number three: Biting Albus. Well, really, number three should have been begging Albus to kiss him again like some lovesick dumbass when he knew full well his best friend didn’t really want to do it and only went along out of pity, yet that never seemed to quite make the list.
Their kisses only happened when (or after) Scorpius was experiencing a full-on, ugly crying breakdown, and no one in their right mind would want to kiss him then. The first time it had happened, in something Scorpius couldn’t take credit for carefully planning, although it would have been much less mortifying if it had at least provided him with that shred of dignity, they had both discovered how it was capable of almost… resetting his feelings. That’s how he had explained it to Albus the next day, something harmless that didn’t need to mean anything. Something that objectively was meant to feel nice and thus managed to distract him. He had been surprised when Albus didn’t see through his lies immediately, and it had taken him months to consider that maybe, he had just pitied Scorpius too much even then to point out he had. But kisses out of pity were better than no kisses at all, weren’t they? At least as long as he could keep the thoughts at bay that were telling him he was taking advantage of Albus.
Let’s try that one again. Number three: Biting Albus. Yesterday was more generally proof that letting his impulses and emotions dictate his actions was a terrible idea, but nothing was capable of getting that across quite as poignantly as having a misstep ruin an otherwise… pleasurable experience. Because, whatever Albus’ reasons were for going along with their drunken kisses, they did not extend to being bitten, and Scorpius wasn’t dumb enough not to have known that. There was a reason this had been the first time it had happened, despite the wish having been present for an embarrassingly long time. As in, before their first kiss long. Albus called him spoiled, but he had no idea just how many things Scorpius was preventing himself from asking for because he knew they were impossible. Getting everything he asked for meant having to know precisely what to ask for, at least in his opinion.
Right now, for example, he would have liked to ask for brunch in his room. And while he certainly could have passed this whish onto the staff, he knew that social obligation required him to show his face at least briefly. Back home, he might still have stayed in, but what he had done so far had certainly been enough provocation for the whole trip. He hadn’t even been scolded for the most obvious of them thus far, better not to test his luck.
Asking Albus to come along had been second nature. There was no one he would rather have at his side for any and all uncomfortable family events. Plus, after initial difficulties, he and his father did get along pretty well by now. All in all, this meant Scorpius had not considered the possible implications of what he was doing to someone more unfamiliar with their friendship until they had arrived here and he had seen the room Albus had been assigned.
It was the best they had to offer on the estate, in all its white and gold glory. It was the one his paternal grandparents had stayed in when first visiting their future in-laws, the one his father had stayed in before becoming family. That his grandparents put Albus in there was a very clear sign to both Scorpius and the other guests, and Scorpius was hoping Albus himself was too unfamiliar with pureblood customs to have it be clear to him.
It seemed his grandparents were under the impression they were engaged, or at least close to it, and wanted to show him their acceptance. Which would be a heartwarming gesture if only their assumptions were true. For them, it wasn’t even a leap to think of an engagement at such a young age, and maybe Scorpius should have considered that before inviting someone to a ball. Early engagements were rather commonplace in their circles, especially when one had found a match that was good for the family. And marrying into the Potters certainly was an immense boon for any family, but even more one that could use it as redemption. They were such leagues above anyone present at the ball no one had dared approach Albus or start a conversation with him.
Scorpius may have… neglected mentioning to Albus that he would have to initiate contact if he wished it. And he might even have avoided introducing anyone to him (or him to anyone). Yes, it was selfish to want to keep him by his side, even more so to take away his chances to act any other way, but hadn’t he earned the right to be a little selfish?
Currently, the answer was no, and that was why he got dressed and left his room. He looked acceptable, formal wear tended to make him look too stern, but at least some charms had taken care of the splotches and dark circles the last night had caused. They couldn’t keep a neutral smile on his lips, however, and that took quite some energy.
Brunch had been… something, to be sure. Albus hadn’t been there, which was fine, obviously, but did elicit some questions from those few guests who were close enough friends of the family to have stayed overnight. Unfortunately, this also meant they felt they were close enough to Scorpius himself to ask some rather indiscreet questions. While they hadn’t gone quite as far as saying they believed Albus to be behaving terribly outright, their insinuations were more than clear enough for them not to have to. Pointed questions about whether Scorpius wouldn’t rather have danced with someone else as well, held conversations in private, seen the other mingle and make connections, stayed longer and if they had fought were rather transparent. That none of his family, not even his father, interfered felt like judgement.
Still, it was a little funny how their biases had them attributing most of the missteps Scorpius hadn’t been able to keep himself from making to Albus. In an ideal world, he would have informed them that he had asked Albus to dance, he had asked him to stay by his side, and he had made them leave early. In an ideal world, he would have told Albus about their stupidity and they would have laughed together. In this world, Scorpius kept his mouth shut and was torn between relief and anger. Shouldn’t defending the other be worth the scorn of his family? It had been in the past, but there and then, Scorpius didn’t dare risk it again. And, well, in this world, there were some other hurdles to sharing any of this with Albus. For example, he would have had to admit to both his cowardice and the wrong impression people had gained concerning their relationship. He did not think that would be quite as amusing and light-hearted as he had been imagining it.
Standing in front of Albus’ room again brought back the overwhelming feeling of awkwardness that had had him saying good night when he had known his friend to be struggling with something. As it was currently displacing much worse feelings, Scorpius almost welcomed it. At least tearing himself up over not being there for someone he cared about managed to wrench him from the sea of grief that kept threatening to drown him.
He had embarrassed himself so thoroughly yesterday. He had been an emotional, drunk mess. He had prevented his friend from having an enjoyable evening. He had overstepped boundaries and insisted on something Albus, in the light of day, clearly had intended to say no to. He had allowed himself to be caught up in the romantic fantasies his family believed to be true. He made them end up in the most romantic room the estate had to offer despite the fact it could have gotten them caught. Usually, Scorpius barely knew how to distinguish one floor from another, but he had snuck into that particular room often enough as a child, daydreaming about bringing someone special with him, to be able to find the way. In his daydreams, he shared the significance of the place with his lover. They had clearly been the overly sweet, simplistic imaginings of a child. Last night’s happenings made them feel so incredibly silly, he wanted to scream at his younger self. Maybe he just wanted to scream at anyone.
Rummaging on the idiocy of both his crush and his behaviour was promptly interrupted by the door in front of him opening before he had gathered the courage to knock. He was greeted by Albus, clearly lacking sleep, in one of his terrible, way too big sweaters. His hair was a mess, curls turning into loose waves, everything horribly tangled in a way brushing could only make worse. Unfortunately for Scorpius, he still thought Albus looked utterly adorable and his heart skipped a beat. Not even his clearly superior taste in fashion could save him from thinking he would wear the sweater gladly if Albus were to offer it to him. Oh, he was so hopeless. At least he was Malfoy enough to keep those musings off his face. Had been, anyway, before catching a glimpse of what his bite had turned into. He wanted to trace it. At least being sober meant he wasn’t reckless enough to actually do it.
“Father asked me to get you, the portkey is in twenty minutes.” What he should have led with was an apology, not a cold statement of fact.
“Yes, I know, I was coming to look for you guys. Guess you found me first.” Despite his abysmal attempt at conversation, Scorpius had somehow earned a smile. And a clearly worried mustering that he would ignore because he did not want to open that particular can of worms today. Maybe ever.
They walked side by side, mostly without speaking. Scorpius had managed a brief apology, Albus had waved it away saying he could barely remember last night. Should that have made him feel better or worse? Being forgiven because someone didn’t know what he had done wrong didn’t really feel like forgiveness. Yet, explaining exactly what he had done only to be berated by someone else instead of his thoughts seemed a tad too masochistic even for him. Being upset with himself would have to continue to be punishment enough for now, then.
His family said nothing about the state Albus was leaving in or the obvious tension between the two when they said their good byes. This would have been more relieving if Scorpius had been able to ignore the looks they exchanged. Seemed like they would talk all right, just in their absence. Whatever, he had bigger concerns at the moment.
Their fingers accidentally touched when holding onto the portkey. Albus jerked back so violently he was almost left behind.
Given that he was almost vomiting into a potted plant in the middle of Hogsmeade upon arrival, maybe he would have preferred staying back. Had he not taken a potion to deal with his hangover? It probably was on Scorpius for not having checked. His father, at least, had the presence of mind to offer Albus one now.
It had taken a bit of convincing on both their parts before Draco Malfoy let them walk back to Hogwarts on their own. Getting permission from McGonagall to take them to a ball abroad over a weekend had been quite the feat, so Draco now felt responsible to get them back safely. Although his father wouldn’t admit to it, Scorpius expected they had Albus’ dad to thank for the permission to leave.
In the end, it probably hadn’t even been their arguments that did the trick but the fact that his father wasn’t blind enough to miss the way they pointedly avoided looking at one another. Whatever is going on, he had told Scorpius during their hug good bye, talk about it.
Instead of taking that advice, Scorpius had decided barely talking to Albus at all was the easier route, at least until he could figure out what to say. One day, avoiding people to avoid issues may no longer be his immediate solution, but that day was far off – if it ever were to come.
Seeing Albus go from confusion to hurt and, finally, resignation had made his heart bleed. He would be able to fix all that, wouldn’t he? When he finally knew what to say? He just had to find the magic words and everything would go back to how it should be?
Some nights, Scorpius laid awake and stared at his closed curtains because he didn’t feel he even deserved looking at Albus. Other nights, he tugged the curtain open just enough to be able to stare at his sleeping form, curled around one of his pillows. Neither option made him feel better, but that wasn’t why he did either, anyway. Which one hurt more depended entirely on what particular brand of self-hatred he was feeling, but the thoughts were generally the same. He really had managed to push away the one person who had been his constant, after everything they had been through. And Albus had gone quietly, without a fight. That might have hurt worst of all.
Clearly, it was an ideal time for his brain to bombard him with a best-of montage of their friendship.
Like the first time they had watched a movie together, the first time Scorpius had watched a movie at all. The moving pictures had been incomprehensible to him then, utterly delightful. They had laughed so much, less at the film and more because Albus found Scorpius’ confusion hilarious and Scorpius had never been able to resist his laugh. Hugs had been easy, back then. It had been some holiday after Albus’ dad had finally stopped opposing their friendship, and Scorpius had still felt entirely out of place visiting the Potters. They had spent most of the day in Albus’ room, uninterrupted because both Jamie and Lilu hadn’t felt comfortable enough with him back then to barge in.
Lily looked like she had to restrain herself not to curse him now. He probably would let her were she to try. Hard to imagine they used to joke around after she had started joining their movie evenings. Harder to imagine he used to think they were friends. Well, at least Albus had his family to fall back on. That meant he would be fine without Scorpius for now, right? It had to.
He would just ignore the late-night confessions Albus had whispered to him before either of them had been capable of a proper Muffliato that contradicted it. Better not to think about how lost Albus had felt in his family, how difficult he had found it to connect with them. Better not think about the letters they had written over the holidays each year, Albus complaining to Scorpius about the thoroughly Gryffindor décor he couldn’t complain about to them. Because each time he tried, James would joke that the tree was green, and wasn’t that enough? Scorpius had invited him for Christmas every year. This past Christmas had been the first time Albus had accepted, and his eyes had sparkled like a child’s. One perfect Christmas, was that all they were going to get?
One perfect Christmas and years of near-perfect friendship. Scorpius had worked so hard to make sure his feelings would never endanger that, and one evening had been enough to make it all be for naught. How often had he made himself swallow what he wanted to shout from the rooftops to spout lies instead? How many crushes did he make up that ultimately ‘never panned out’? He still shuddered thinking back to the time Albus had seemed committed to actually making them talk about why they kept ending up kissing.
Earlier in the day, Lilu had asked him something similar. She had been careful about it, but Scorpius wasn’t dumb enough not to notice when someone was trying to gather information. Did she suspect something? Having Albus confront him like that while he was already on high alert… he had been so quick to call their kisses wrong, to repudiate his feelings in their entirety. Maybe if he had kept the promise they had made that night, things would have been better now.
Maybe, if he had been able to contain the thrashing need to make Albus his somehow, even when he had felt so very surrounded by loss, he could have kept him in his life. That must have been what ruined it, right? There was nothing else to blame. They had kissed before and yes, maybe this time it had been a bit different, but it wasn’t like their other kisses had been chaste little pecks. Or at least that wasn’t what they had felt like to him, he couldn’t speak to Albus’ impressions. It wasn’t like they openly discussed them.
In any case, the kisses had happened before, and while the morning after always came with tense shoulders and nervous glances, they didn’t usually come with self-isolation. He just… he didn’t know how to explain what was going on with him to someone who couldn’t remember the night that had wrecked him so entirely. He didn’t know how to explain that he had let his feelings overcome him, he had let them lead his decisions, and it had earned him rejection. There was no way it would get him anything but more of the same. So, he kept quiet and kept avoiding Albus, no matter how often their eyes locked or how often he turned to his left to tell the other something or other only to realize the spot was empty. They would find their way back to each other, right? They had to.
Scorpius had only realized how thoroughly tainted all his favourite memories were with melancholy last week, when he had practiced for his Defence final. He couldn’t cast a Patronus anymore. Albus had taught him, and because their first kiss had been fairly recent at the time, Scorpius naturally picked that as his happy memory to use. It had become a go-to. Up until then, the happiness he had felt in the moment had always been enough to overpower any other, more complicated or conflicting emotions. That time, it made him bawl his eyes out. The more he tried grasping at happy memories, the more he realized how Albus was woven into each of them, which had only served to make the tears come faster. Going back to memories before Albus meant going back to memories that had his mother in them, which wasn’t better at all. After a couple of tries, he had given up and decided to just lose those points. It had been a small mercy that he had been alone.
If Scorpius were a little less caught up in feeling sorry for himself and bemoaning his fate, maybe he wouldn’t have been caught by surprise when, three long, quiet weeks after the ball, Albus Potter cornered him after their last class for the day. Maybe he would have realized Albus had had no intention of leaving if he hadn’t believed himself so easy to leave.
“I tried letting you come to me first but this has been going on long enough. We need to talk.” There was a smidge of the fight he had been expecting Albus to put up. Mostly, Albus was approaching him like he was an easily spooked animal.
“What would you like to talk about?” He sounded like a knobhead even to himself, arrogant and distant, but some of their classmates were still lingering, so no need to blurt out indiscreet details. Like that he was sorry and wanted Albus back, no matter what it might cost him. An eternity of supressing his feelings and only being friends over whatever this had been.
“I don’t know, whatever is going on? Did I do something wrong? Do you not want to be friends anymore?” Had Albus been blaming himself this entire time? Fuck, he was the worst person ever. Never mind the other students now.
“Of course I still want to be friends! Always, right?” He tried making the smile genuine. The amount of effort it took did not make him believe it was working.
“Okay, so what is it then? You’ve been avoiding me.” He didn’t even sound mad. He had been ignoring his best friend for weeks and he wasn’t even mad. Just… worried, maybe. Scared?
“I know – I’m sorry. The ball was… a lot, and I didn’t know how to talk to you about it.”
“So you didn’t. Scorp, I thought that’s exactly what you wanted to stop doing.” Scorpius smothered the anger that welled up in him at this hint at a reproach. Albus was right, he did want to stop doing this.
“I did. I do. I’m sorry.” He couldn’t cry right now. He had no right to cry right now when he had been the one to hurt someone else with his behaviour yet again. Why was everyone so forgiving when he deserved to be torn down?
“Talk to me now? Please?”
“Everything there just reminded me of mom. So much. And it made me act shitty- No, don’t excuse it, you don’t even remember everything I did. Or most of it. And then I didn’t know how to fix it because, well, you said it was okay? But you didn’t even know what I did and I don’t think it was okay.”
“Scorp, I promise, whatever it is, its okay. I’m okay. We can be okay?” Albus grabbed for his hands, and Scorpius let him. Then, he gathered all his strength and tore away.
“No, Albus, no it isn’t. Let me explain before you say that, please? Just- maybe I start at the beginning? It’s my fault no one talked to you. Etiquette dictates you have to start any conversations because- it doesn’t matter. I didn’t tell you so I wouldn’t be alone. And then you couldn’t dance with anyone else. And then I dragged you off and made you break our promise. And I went too far and you didn’t like it and that’s not okay. At all. I shouldn’t have done that. And then I brought you to your room and left because I didn’t know how to deal with any of it. And then… well, you know the rest.” He didn’t dare say the important parts. Even now, he couldn’t make himself explain why. Wasn’t that just like him? Weeks to think and all he could muster was carefully chosen omissions.
“That’s it? Scorpius, you fucking idiot, I wouldn’t have wanted to talk to anyone else. Or dance with anyone else. Or stay longer. You know how I am with strangers.” Was Albus laughing at him?! “Fuck, that was the issue? Scorp, we kiss when we’re drunk. It just happens. Frankly, I was shocked we didn’t when we went to the pub the last couple of times. It’s okay. I promise it’s okay.” Albus leapt at him and wrapped him in his arms, and this time Scorpius couldn’t get himself to step away.
He was forgiven, and it still tasted like ash in his mouth. He hadn’t explained properly. He hadn’t apologized properly. But he wanted Albus back so bad it hurt, and he was right here, proving he wanted him back, too. As friends. As more than hastily averted gazes and regrets.
What right did Scorpius have to turn him down? He had hurt him enough already. He couldn’t explain more without revealing his true feelings, anyway, and if this period had proven anything to him, it was that life without Albus was torture. The risk was just too great. He had many vices – gambling wasn’t one of them.
There really was nothing else to do than to close his arms around the other. Scorpius was careful not to hold him too tightly, to keep the hug brief before the physical closeness could become awkward yet again. To compose himself and pull back when the tears started welling up.
“So, what were you up to on your self-imposed exile, Mr. Dramatic?” Bless Albus for trying to make this feel more natural.
They caught each other up, first in the cold, empty corridor, then on their way back to the common room. It didn’t take too long for that to turn into one of their usual conversations, and by the time they had reached the couch in front of the fireplace that was their usual spot, it almost felt natural again.
Kicking off the younger students that had dared try to claim it in their absence may have had something to do with that. It just felt right, being back there. Despite the larger-than-usual gap between them. Despite the fact Scorpius was careful to stay out of the other’s way when he was gesticulating to avoid any accidental touches. Despite the glances and whispers they were both ignoring.
Not touching became their new normal. Not when they were sitting next to each other in class and especially not when they were sitting cross-legged on Scorpius bed to talk. Not in the pub, not when they shared an umbrella on the way back because Scorpius couldn’t carry all he had bought and carry his own. That one had been tricky, but he had managed. It just... was safter that way. They were safer that way. He had tried to let his emotions reign for a moment and almost ruined everything. Never again. As long as they weren’t touching, he hopefully would manage to keep any temptation buried and any stupidity to himself.
It felt lonely, not letting himself reach out when he wanted to, but it was less lonely than being without Albus’ companionship entirely.