Today is the worst day of Regulus Black’s life, and the happiest of James Potter’s.
It’s James’s wedding day. A day wrapped in happiness and love, but Regulus is filled with longing and sadness. He aches for things that never would have worked. He aches for James like always.
James stands at the altar, in a black suit, a look of joyful anticipation on his face. He looks more beautiful than Regulus could ever have pictured him, and he had pictured this moment for years. Except in his fantasies, he had been the one James was waiting for.
As if on cue, Lily Evans appears. She looks radiant in her long white gown, veil dragging behind her as she slowly makes her way toward James. Her smile is the most genuine Regulus has ever seen. It should make him writhe with jealousy that Lily is getting everything he ever wanted, because all he wanted was James. But he’s much past the point of being jealous or angry now.
He ruined his chance. He wasted it on his parent’s approval. He was stubborn, arrogant, and stupid. The only thing he can do now is regret.
It’s his own fault. He was a coward. He’ll always be a coward. It almost makes him laugh, because all he’d ever wanted was to be brave. Sadly, it wasn’t in his nature. He was doomed to watch on the sidelines as his life fell apart because of him.
James only has eyes for Lily as she reaches him.The music halts and the priest begins his speech. “Dearly beloved…”
Regulus tunes him out, watching helplessly. The way they look at each other makes him want to throw up, as emotions claw up his throat and he has to swallow them down. He’s on the sidelines, leaning against a pillar, far out of sight. He’s wearing illusion charms, no one can see him. Still, he won’t lose it in a public place.
The rings are brought out, and Regulus couldn’t cry out even if he wanted to. He feels like he’s being choked. His eyes are welling with tears, but he blinks them back.
He loved James. He had since he had met him in his first year of Hogwarts. Of course he hadn’t known what love was then, but he had felt it for James, and everyday since. He always knew deep down that this is how it would end. James would be happy and he would be alone, all because he couldn’t be brave. All because he couldn’t put his love for James first.
He wished things had been different. He wished he was different. Maybe then he wouldn’t have broken James’s heart.
Because the thing was, James had loved him back. They had been together before the Mark. Regulus had been forced to become a Death Eater by his parents, forced to be on the opposite side of the war from James. Forced to lose James and his brother.
He could see Sirius standing beside James as his best man, with happy tears in his eyes. James had always been more like Sirius’s brother than him, so at least they had each other when he betrayed them. It still hurt, it always would to see that closeness between them, but by now he was as used to it as he could get.
He listens as Lily says “I do.” absolute adoration in her tone. There is no doubt in Regulus’s mind that she’ll love James until the day she dies, and take care of him for as long as she can. It doesn’t make the pain lessen, but at least it's someone who loves James, probably even in a much healthier way than Regulus does. She’s everything Regulus isn’t, she’s brave, kind, and not afraid to show her love. She’ll give James everything he couldn’t.
“And do you, James Fleamont Potter, take Lily to be your lawfully wedded wife?” The Priest asks, and for a moment Regulus is taken back in time.
In his memory, he lays on a blanket, gazing up at the stars in the night sky. James’s arms are wrapped around him, their warmth bleeding together in the cold night air. James was laughing softly, and it was music to Regulus’s ears.
“I love you Regulus,” James said. “One day, I’ll stand at an altar with you and look into your eyes while I say ‘I do’. I swear.”
Regulus kisses him then. It’s sweet and slow. They think they have all the time in the world. “I love you too James.” He says, smiling.
Back at the wedding, Regulus leans against the pillar, trying to prepare himself for this. The wind ruffles his hair as he looks out at the people spread in front of him, facing James and Lily. He takes note of their happy faces and bright colors. He contrasts them, he’s out of place with his dark robes and grim expression. The shadow lurking on the edges of the light.
James doesn’t look at him, not even once. He doesn’t look anywhere but into Lily’s eyes. He smiles, and Regulus can feel his shattered heart break again as James opens his mouth.
“I do.” he whispers. The crowd erupts as they kiss, full of love and passion and the promise of forever. Regulus stays still and silent, a single tear rolling down his cheek. It’s final.
He’s crushed, so crushed he can’t feel it. It’s so much he’s gone numb. He watches them as Lily breaks away, laughing and smiling. The wind blows through again, his hair getting swept up in it. It’s then that James looks away from Lily.
His eyes land right on Regulus. James doesn’t look shocked, just a brief, sad smile passing over his face. A smile only for Regulus.
He realizes then that James knew he was there the whole time. He didn’t not look at him because he couldn’t see Regulus, he chose not to. He knew he was there and still he only had his eyes on Lily.
That feels more final than any marriage vow could. James doesn’t want him anymore. It really is over.
James and Lily make their way into the crowd, and it still seems no one else can see him. People come close to him, never acknowledging him. He only stays for a few minutes, watching the way James’s face lights up when he looks at Lily. He tried to memorize every detail of James, knowing he won’t see him again.
He knows it’s time to leave. He forces himself to turn away, tears falling in earnest now, as the replica of the locket hangs in his hand.
"Goodbye James."He whispers as he apparates away.
Later that night, in the dark of Voldemort’s cave, with pale hands dragging him down, and water filling his lungs, it’s James that he thinks of before the darkness swallows him.