Wonder

It was a bit of a wonder really; that Remus Lupin had found friends. And good ones at that. People who loved him more than he loved himself, who told him to eat and to sleep, to speak and to live. People who knew everything about him and still stayed, not merely out of family obligation like he sometimes feared his parents did. 

The biggest enigma, the biggest wonder however, was always Sirius Black. 

They were just so incredibly different. He was tall and curly haired and slouching and Sirius was ... well, not, Remus thought as he watched his friend walk towards the Gryffindor table. 

Sirius was slender and fine fingered, with long hair and sharp eyes. If Remus hadn't known any better he would have said Sirius looked mean. All edges and arrogance and that air of carelessness he surrounded himself with. 

"Alright Remus?" Sirius asked smiling and Remus cleared his throat and nodded, aware that he'd stared too long and acted too weird and eaten too little. Again. 

"Brought you some hot chocolate," Sirius mumbled from beside him and a mug was pushed in front of Remus. 

That was the thing. Sirius looked mean. Like a boy who'd bully you for having holes in your robes or spill ink all over your almost-finished essay or scream himself hoarse if he didn't get his way. And he could be. Boy could he be. 

But if he wasn't ... If he wasn't then Sirius Black was something akin to a wonder. 

~~~

Remus often thought that perhaps his fascination with Sirius had something to do with the nearly unimaginable cruelty he too had experienced at a young age. And in a way, Sirius had had it so much worse. 

He'd been hurt by his own family. Manipulated to complicity and beaten for disobedience. For years.

All Remus had endured was the attack of a stranger, the unwavering love and support of his parents and being one of the first and only werewolves to be allowed an education. 

And yet ... And yet they were so so different. Where Sirius seemed to barely get enough; enough food, enough laughter, enough joy, enough life, Remus himself found most things a bit too much. Whenever that thought crossed his mind he felt incredibly guilty. 

Then he turned to Sirius, half envious, half entranced by his vivaciousness. And Remus tried, he really did, but if he laughed a little too loudly, even on accident, his back hunched the next moment because everyone was looking at him. At his scars, his face, all his wrongness. 

Sirius had scars too, thing white lines on his ankles and burns on his arms, his chest, but he wore them differently. He cuffed his jeans to show off the silver marks on his legs and drew stars around the round jagged burns on his arm. When Remus mentioned this once, in the quiet of their dormitory, Sirius regarded him and said: "I'll draw stars around yours too if you'll let me," and Remus laughed. 

"See, that's what I mean, I could never wear them like you," he said and pressed his back closer against the cold stone wall of the window frame. 

Sirius tilted his head back and slowly let the smoke fall from his lips. Remus loved when he was like this, all smoke and hooded eyes, right in front of Remus, their shins pressed together. After this summer, in their final year, they probably wouldn't fit onto the windowsill together anymore. 

"Well it's different for you innit'?" Sirius asked and Remus plucked the cigarette from his fingers. He'd gotten them tattooed not even a month ago. The bastard. 

"What, cuz you have the face of a pretty prat you can flaunt around your scars, using them as drawing guides but I cant? Bit unfair if you ask me." Remus had meant it as a joke, grinned at his friend, but Sirius didn't laugh or chortle. He just glanced down. 

"You think I'm pretty?" he asked and it sent the smoke he'd just inhaled right down Remus' windpipe. He coughed and spluttered, and now Sirius did laugh, the traitor, and slapped his back so hard Remus nearly fell out the open window. 

"You fucker," he heaved and Sirius grinned. 

"Sorry Moons," he didn't sound it. Then he paused and shook his head. "I just meant that your situation's different, you know. Your position." 

Remus hummed as if he ever understood anything Sirius was getting at and Sirius huffed and pushed one of his legs down, leaning closer to Remus. "It's more difficult for you. More dangerous. You get new scars every month. Can't have people asking question now, can we?" he said and then lifted his fingers as if he wanted to trace the newest scar on Remus' cheek, before dropping it again. "I just wanted to-" in that moment the door burst open. 

"Oi! You lot promised you wouldn't smoke in here anymore!" 

"Oh come off it Prongs, the window's open ..." Sirius rolled his eyes but tossed the cigarette. 

"The window ... Yeah! How's that any better ey? Now it's fucking freezing in here, merlins balls ..." James muttered as he started rummaging through his clothes and Sirius let out a cackle, jumping from the window ledge. 

He turned to Remus once again, his hand coming to rest just above his knee, "I do it for you Moony you know?" 

"The smoking?" 

Sirius made an impatient, half amused half annoyed sound. "The drawing."

"Oh yeah? How so ..?" 

"You'll see Moons. One day you'll see," Sirius said and then left Remus sitting in the cold windowsill, smoke still stuck in his lungs, wondering once again. 

~~~

He was on his way to class a few weeks later when Remus finally did see. There was this kid. Clover, or Colvin or something, whom he'd agreed to help with homework once. It had been a very short lived experience, with Clover/Colving asking all kinds of uncomfortable questions and Remus taking off the first chance he'd gotten. 

"Do those still hurt?" the kid asked now, standing right in Remus' path and pointing at the three very painful, very fresh marks on Remus' forearm. "Where did you get them? And why'd you have so many?

Remus squeezed around him to no avail when he suddenly felt someone bounce to his right and an arm thrown over his shoulder. Sirius casually fell into step with both of them and leaned across Remus towards the still babbling boy. "Merlin you really don't know- uh what's your name again?" 

"Calvin!" Oh Calvin. 

"Well Calvin, you really don't know how we get our scars?" Sirius had dropped his voice a little and Remus looped an arm around his torso, carefully steering them through the sea of students. Sirius seemed to have full confidence in him, casually clinging to Remus and talking to a wide eyed Calvin. 

He told him about Remus's very special divination abilities. About fates and blood rituals they did at nightfall. About dreams and nightmares and knives and scars. And then he sent the boy off with a warning to never ever go bothering Remus again, and Calvin scurried away. 

Sirius stared after him and then disentangled from Remus' grip and smirked. "You see? They're all for you." 

"Oh yeah absolutely, you painting yourself has nothing to do with you being a self absorbed prat, it's all for me of course." 

"Well they're for you and about you Remus," Sirius said, sounding distracted. 

Remus frowned and looked down on his friend, who was currently staring after a Ravenclaw girl with a very short skirt. With a deep sigh he turned into his classroom. Once Sirius was lost to chasing a girl, there was only so much attention you could get out of him. 

Just as he was about to enter he was grabbed by the arm and when he turned he found an irritated looking Sirius. 

"You do know right?"

"Know what?" 

Sirius huffed in exasperation then yanked his sleeves up. As always the round cigar burns were coloured in with little flecks and dots and surrounded by stars. 

"Uhhhmm ..." Remus said as Sirius shook his arm a little as if that would explain anything, "yeah they're neat."

"Merlin you really are as thick as you're pretty; they're you Remus." Remus's eyes jumped from Sirius' face to his arm and back. Then his eyes widened and he couldn't stop himself from reaching out, tracing the pattern of the scar and the black ink with his finger tips. Sirius shuddered. 

"They're moons?" he asked quietly. 

"'Couse they are. Wouldn't want anyone else on my skin now would I." 

"That's um," Remus cleared his throat, still holding onto Sirius arm, "I never thought- they're lovely Sirius." 

Sirius smiled softly. "Yeah," he said, "I know they are." 

~~~

There had been a soft buzz of excitement ever since the morning. Where James had caught the snitch, where Gryffindor had won, where Sirius had looked overflowing with happiness. 

They'd been holding back all day, asked to keep the chatter to a minimum and now it was finally time to celebrate. Remus ran a nervous hand through his hair, cut in what could loosely be described as a mullet, and then decided to just give up and wait in the common room for the others. 

Down the stairs he was greeted by Lily and Marlene, who immediately started retelling him every detail of the match. As if he hadn't watched it and lived with two of the idiots who'd won it. But he didn't mind much, taking Marlene over to one of the red couches to rest his still sore muscles at least a little more. This evening would be strenuous enough. 

Pete had put the idea into motion three nights ago when they'd been on their way back to the shack, Remus clinging to Sirius only half conscious, by pointing out the soft warmth of the velvet night. 

They'd planned it without Remus; how they'd take all of Gryffindor down to the quidditch pitch for the celebration once they'd won.  

Slowly but surely everyone trickled in. Most were rosy cheeked and already a bit drunk. Only Sirius remained missing. Remus was just about to ask Peter about it, who'd been last to join, when something on the stairs caught his attention. 

Sirius was on his way down and as Remus's breath caught, the common room quietened down significantly. 

Sirius wasn't wearing a dress exactly, but he also definitely wasn't wearing pants. There was silky green fabric draped over him, close enough to a wizards robe, but fastened rather slim around his waist. Sirius seemed unfazed by all of the eyes on him, but then he looked up and caught Remus's eye. They were lined with coal and there was a hint of nervousness in them. 

Remus swallowed. Then gave a shaky smile and buried his nose in the drink on his hand. He couldn't stand looking away for too long. As Sirius walked towards them Remus felt the smile on his face grow, as he realised that Sirius's signature combat boots were on his feet, clashing horribly with the sleek elegance of his drawn up hair and the rest of his clothes. 

"Alright Remus?" he asked and Remus grinned and nodded as Sirius draped himself onto the couch beside him. 

"Prongsie?" he inquired further and that was when Remus noticed the odd look on James' face. 

"Yeah, yeah alright Pads," he said from the armchair he was currently occupying with Lily, then took another large gulp of his own cup. 

The atmosphere had grown somewhat thick, and even king of obliviousness Sirius Black seemed to notice, his eyes nervously tracing over James and then jumping towards the fire. For a moment no one spoke. 

Then James lent forward, "listen Pads, isn't that a bit- you know ..." he made a hand gesture that could mean everything and nothing. 

Remus's heart broke as Sirius's face fell and suddenly something pooled in his stomach. Something that might have been bravery but felt much closer to rage.

"Isn't that a bit what, James?" he asked in a low voice, leaned forward and braced his elbows on his knees. He could see the tension in James's neck as he swallowed, then his eyes swept over Sirius again. Taking in the dress, the shine of exposed skin, the fingers nervously twiddling.

"... a bit green? You know," he said with a watery smile, "people might think you're a Slytherin." 

Sirius threw his head back and laughed. It was a bit too shrill, a bit too loud. "We'll just have to make sure we keep being the Slytherins worst nightmare ey Prongs?" 

And James grinned, full on, "then let's not waste a fucking second ..." 

~~~

Unlike all the other Marauders Remus didn't really enjoy having his eardrums split in two, so when the fireworks had started, he'd decided to go up one of the quidditch stands. With a charm cast over his ears he was now leaning against the railings, watching the lights quite contently. 

He startled when someone touched his elbow, "sorry Remus. Should've known you'd spell your ears shut." 

"They're not shut," Remus gave a bashful grin. James mirrored it and stepped next to him onto the stands. For a while they just watched the lights flicker. They had slowed down already. Without James there the others had probably started more party, less airborne activities. 

They had been quiet for so long that Remus almost startled again when James turned towards him abruptly. "I'm sorry um, about before, I was- I was being a dick. It's a shitty excuse, I know that but- they barely let him home as it is. Treat him like he's trash. I just- I don't want him to go through worse." 

"Then don't put him through worse. We're all he's got. You're his brother, James. And there's nobody whose opinion he cares about more than yours." 

James turned to face the pitch again, "I wouldn't be so sure about that if I were you." 

Remus pressed his lips together. "Don't underestimate your influence James. You pull something like this again and he'll stop. He'll change and he'll hide and he'll be deadly unhappy doing so." 

"I know," James said. He looked serious for once, "I know. And I really am sorry." 

Remus sighed, watching his friend. "You know I'm not the one you got to apologise to yeah?" 

"Yeah no, I know, I know. I already told him," he jerked his chin towards the tiny specks of people down on the ground, "he said it's fine but you know how he is." 

"Do I." 

James turned back to face him fully, "yeah 'course. If not you who else." He hesitated for a second, "I know, you know." 

"You know what?" Remus asked, brows drawn in confusion. 

"About you two ..."

"Us two ...?" 

James eyes raked over Remus's face. He was looking for something, but for the life of him Remus couldn't figure out what that something was. 

"What I mean is that you two; what you two have is special. The way you defended him tonight, I'm not sure you know what it means to him Re." 

Remus laughed a bit uncomfortably, rubbed his neck, "ahh it wasn't really anything." 

"To him it was. And I think to you too," James was looking up at him in an intensity that had Remus shivering. "Well I just wanted that said, you wanna join us downstairs now?" 

"Uh yeah sure, in a minute. Be there in a minute Prongs."

~~~

"Lily get the door!" Remus hissed and together they tugged a giggling Sirius through the portrait hole and towards the stairs. 

Then the redhead slipped out from under Sirius's arm, who immediately slung both of his around Remus's neck. Lily's eyebrows rose in an amused smirk. "You got him from here or you need any more help?" 

"It's fine," Remus grunted, wrestling with the assault of black strands in his face. Lily grinned, turned and with a, "have fun you two!" thrown over her shoulder was out of the Gryffindor common room once more. 

Sighing Remus shook his head and then proceeded to half drag half carry Sirius up towards the dormitory. About midway there Sirius began to protest, trying to turn them around. 

"Remy, Re, I need to go back," he whined into Remus' shoulder. 

"Go back? It's enough partying for you today Sirius." 

"No it's not. Says who?" Sirius tried to stand more upright but failed, his 'who' so high pitched it sounded more like a deranged owl. 

"Pads," Remus sighed, "you tried to catch fireworks. Mid air. Let's get you to bed yeah?"

"But I forgot my jacket, and it's really cold." 

"You can have my jumper."

"What if it get's dirty," Sirius' face was one of deep concern, "or stolen .... Moony that is a v.. very important jacket."

Remus gave a sound of frustration, then began lowering Sirius onto the stairs, "how so Padfoot?" 

Sirius grinned up at him, now sitting, all the tattoos on his arms on display. "Cuz' it pisses Walburga off the most." 

Remus couldn't help but grin back. "She even tried turning- no burning it once you know. That's why it has that weird shade on the left arm, or is it the right? And- and the smell, I could never quite get it out and she- What are you doing?" 

"I'm gonna go get your jacket you twat. Where'd you leave it?" 

After getting an empty and halfway clean glass from the common room Remus filled it with water and instructed Sirius to drink 'as much as humanly possible,' and then left his friend on the stairs. 

It took him much longer than expected to a) find the jacket, b) get rid of a very drunk, very talkative James and c) try to erase his mind of the image he had accidentally stumbled upon where Marlene tried to devour Dorcas Meadows. 

"Hey Pads, guess what," he began as he entered the stairwell but somehow the words got stuck in his throat just like his feet to the floor. 

Sirius had gotten up and in the soft warm light coming from above his silhouette looked ethereal. Eternal. Beautiful. Remus hadn't noticed before but now without the jacket Sirius's dress looked a lot more like exactly that: a dress. 

He swallowed. He couldn't really make out Sirius's face, hidden in shadows by the bright light on his back but he seemed to have sobered up a bit, standing without swaying. 

Remus started walking up the steps again in a rather dazed manner, and then stretched out his hand with the jacket in it with a murmured, "there you go Pads."

Like this, with him on the step below Sirius they were almost the same height. Closer now he looked up into Sirius' face and let out a startled laugh, "Pads have you been running your hands over your face?"

A sheepish grin tugged on Sirius' mouth. "Maybe."

Remus still chuckled, "Maybe? You look like moaning Myrtle." Without thinking he traced his thumbs over the smudged black and silver make up, before noticing the way Sirius's breath caught. His fingers were acting on their own accord, slowly running over soft skin until they brushed Sirius's lips. 

Something hot and prickling coiled in Remus' stomach as Sirius slung his arms around his neck, his face turned down, as if he couldn't dare look at him. 

"Remus I-" but Remus didn't let him finish, using the hold he had on Sirius's face to nudge his chin upwards and pressed their lips together, his thumb caught between them for a second. He slipped it out, tried to pull away again and then almost fell backwards down the flight of stairs because Sirius pressed into the kiss with so much vigour.  

Sirius kissed like he did everything; with his entire being, tasting of alcohol and quidditch and Sirius. He opened his mouth the moment Remus traced it with his tongue and Remus couldn't help himself, letting his hands trace down the silky fabric and then slinging them around that goddamn waist he'd been staring at all night.    

It pressed them ever closer and Sirius actually moaned, grabbing into Remus' hair when he started mouthing along his jaw, down his throat. 

Coming up for air they pressed their heads together, panting heavily. "Wanna go upstairs?"

~~~

When Remus woke up it was from the rustling of sheets and the unmistakable dip of a moving mattress followed by stillness. Blearily he blinked his eyes open, making out the outline of ink black hair and a green velvet dress. 

Sirius was quietly and hurriedly pulling the straps of his dress back up, picking up his shoes and ... and almost stumbling as he moved towards the curtain with a rushed urgency. 

That startled Remus' still sleep driven brain into action. "S'rius," he slurred, his hand stretching out towards him a little uselessly, "where 'you goin'?" 

Sirius was still facing the curtain for a second but then he turned around, a strange expression on his face. "Uhm I'm leaving?" 

"What?" that definitely did the trick of waking Remus. He sat up, blinked against the blinding daylight. "Why?" 

"Because um .. shouldn't I?" Sirius asked and his eyes were weird somehow. He looked like a scolded child, a little afraid, a little stubborn. 

It was then that Remus noticed all the marks blossoming on Sirius' skin, trailing down his throat and disappearing over his chest and under the dress. "Fucking hell, I uh, I didn't mean to do that." 

"Yeah I know," Sirius mumbled, not looking at him. "It's fine really." 

Remus looked at him sceptically. Something was wrong. "Really? Are you sure? You, um, you don't look like it." 

"Yeah it's fine. I know you didn't mean to make them on me."

A frown pulled on Remus's features. There was something odd about Sirius's tone, about his words. "Did I go to far last last night? I mean we stopped, before ... I mean we didn't really do anything but was it too much? Oh god Pads I'm so sorry," and he was, he was. "I knew you were drunk but I didn't think ... Pads I-" 

"Wait, was that why you wanted to stop?" Sirius asked. Remus paused.

"Well yeah, of course." 

"Of course," Sirius parroted. "You were drunk as well." 

"Tipsy maybe. You were properly hammered. I wasn't going to do anything with you like that." 

"Because I was drunk," Sirius inquired again and his face was soft and insecure, "not because, I was, you know, me?" 

"Because you were ..? Padfoot what are you talking about?" 

"Well I just thought that, I don't know, I thought you were drunk and that you, might've mistaken me for someone. You know, with the dress and all," he said, not looking up. 

For a moment Remus was baffled, then he scrambled over the bed towards Sirius, grabbed his arm and tugged. Sirius yelped, his shoes cluttering to the floor as he tumbled onto the bed, half falling onto Remus. 

"Sirius I could never ever mistake you. Never. No matter what you look like or what you're wearing. Never. But to kiss you," he shook his head squeezing the soft hand he was still holding, "to kiss you and not to mean it, I'd have to loose my mind Sirius." 

Sirius's eyes were wide and shining and he flung his arms around Remus' neck, burying his face. Remus wrapped his arms around him, stroking alongside his back.

"So," Sirius spoke after a moment, "I take it you liked the dress?"

Remus grinned and buried his face in Sirius's hair. "Loved it Pads. I loved it."