Chapter 22
Hermione was a holy terror. Jonathon thought that she was terrifying when he thought she was thoroughly normal (if a bit prone to certain odd behaviors). Now that Jonathon knew that Hermione was magical, she had taken it as a personal mission to completely derail his composure. Was it his fault that Hermione was being uncharacteristically adorable with Ardeth, and Jonathon therefore couldn’t hold back the occasional mocking comment? Of course not! Was it his fault that Jonathon was thoroughly jealous that in contrast to Hermione and Jonathon’s borderline flirting when joking about their impending marriage; Hermione was achingly sweet to Ardeth in a way that made Jonathon all too aware that he would never have someone like her? So in response, Jonathon made sarcastic jokes to hide his depression; and boy, could Hermione retaliate! Hermione was sitting next to Ardeth showing him a photo album from when she was younger. The subtle leaning into him. Ardeth clearly taking in the sweet scent of her hair. The light grasp of Ardeth’s hand on Hermione’s. Utterly sickening. Jonathon wasn’t jealous at all.
“Ahhhh… lovebirds in their natural habitat. Tell me, of your particular species, what is the usual mating ritual? And can Ardeth old boy look forward to another eleven years before completing the mating ritual?”
“I’m fairly certain my mating rituals are none of your business, Jonathon,” Hermione raised an eyebrow in irritation. Jonathon laughed, but left well enough alone. However, Hermione had seemed to take offense to him delving into the sensitive topic of her avoiding Ardeth for a literal decade.
“Nice hair, Jonathon,” Rick said with a menacing grin. It had been a few hours since Jonathon’s little comment so he was thoroughly taken aback. Hair? Evy found her compact mirror and handed it over to him with an ill concealed snicker. Jonathon choked. His hair…. was GREEN! He spluttered until he saw a smirking Hermione next to a grinning Aardeth. “YOU!” Jonathon pointed at Hermione angrily. “You give me back my lucious brown locks this instant!”
“But Jonathon… It’s my friendship ritual. I’m afraid you’re stuck with it for the next eleven years.” And whatever Hermione did to his hair stuck until he broke down and got on his knees to beg for forgiveness late the next day. Jonathon could admit that he was a little bit bitter being the odd man out. Izzy was perfectly happy to be alone and Jonathon usually attached himself to his nephew and companionably commiserate the gross affection constantly displayed by Evelyn and Rick. Hermione and Ardeth were not gross by any means, but the lingering touches and all that were making Jonathon cantankerous; and the lack of alcohol was doing him no favors. Goodness he missed that scamp. They needed to get the lad back ASAP.
“Are you in love with Hermione, Jonathon?” Jonathon coughed and spit into his tea at the completely unexpected question from his beloved sister.
“NO! Why on Earth would you think such a thing?!” Jonathon turned a bright red at her answer.
“Because, every time Hermione is being even mildly affectionate with Ardeth… you try to ruin it. And, I am honestly worried you are going to get seriously injured by Hermione at this rate.” Hermione had hit him with a spell that caused Jonathon to throw up slugs for an hour after Jonathon made yet another distasteful and crude innuendo concerning her and Ardeth. They had been on the blimp for four days, and Jonathon’s comments were getting out of hand. “If you are not in love with her… then you are clearly lacking in any self preservational instinct.”
“I say!” Jonathon burst out playfully. “I have never been thus insulted in my life. I am not YOU dear little sister!” Evelyn was not deterred in the slightest and continued to stare at Jonathon without blinking. “I am…” Jonathon sighed. “I am merely sad that I will never have anyone, Evy.” Evelyn sat next to Jonathon and gave his hand a sympathetic squeeze. “I suppose… I fancied that Hermione might be available forever. And… if by some miracle I won over her demon cat, we might find companionship together. It wasn’t love…. but it was comforting. Now, I am the odd man out until we get Alex back. And then, what will I do when he grows up? I’ll just be the same miserable, lonely drunk I’ve always been.” Evelyn pulled Jonathon’s head to lean on her shoulder and put her arm around him.
“Oh, Jonathon. I’m sure you will find someone. Just…” Evelyn couldn’t help the roll of her eyes. “Maybe stop looking at the kasbah or the brothels.”
“No. I won’t find someone, Evy,” Jonathon sighed. Before sitting up and kissing Evy on the side of the head. “But I promise to reign my mockery in until we get Alex back and continue to be the carefree and comical brother who drives you alone batty… provided that Hermione doesn’t kill me for being such a bitter twat.”
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Hermione continued to amaze and terrify Ardeth in ways that he never thought possible. Ardeth could not fathom what had come over Jonathon since Hermione had agreed to marry him, but Jonathon had been testing her patience. Watching Jonathon puke up nasty and slimy slugs… Ardeth would never under any circumstances anger her enough for Hermione to take similar measures against himself. Hermione was brooding in her tent angrily after the entire incident.
“How long is he going to be doing that?” Ardeth asked with a queasy turn of the stomach at just the memory of the nasty bugs.
“An hour,” Hermione said shortly. She wasn’t proud of herself. Hermione had lost her temper. Jonathon was being absolutely insufferable. And God alone would be able to help him if he didn’t stop talking about Ardeth and Hermione’s nonexistent sexual relationship. Ardeth sat next to Hermione on the couch in her tent and took her hand.
“If it makes you feel better, Jonathon did have it coming,” Ardeth said with a small smile.
“It doesn’t,” Hermione sighed while leaning into Ardeth’s side. “You know, Ronald accidentally did the same spell to himself?”
“How?” Ardeth said with confusion.
“His wand was broken in a flying car incident,” Hermione said simply while Ardeth stared at her like she had two heads.
“Jonathon is right. You just love to throw your crazy stories out in the open without warning,” Ardeth said in wonder.
“It keeps me entertained,” Hermione smirked. “Besides, there are just so many to choose from. If I told every story chronologically (explaining every little detail along the way) we would be sitting here for a VERY long time. Far better to use them for comedic effect. Otherwise, the process would be quite tedious.” Hermione looked at Ardeth’s tattoos curiously. “What do they mean?” Ardeth felt his breathing deepen as Hermione traced his tattoos with her finger.
“My tribe and my calling to protect the world from Imhotep,” Ardeth breathed out.
“Hmmmm…” Hermione hummed. “Maybe,” Hermione continued with a grin. “I should get your name tattooed on my right buttock.” Ardeth’s eyes flew open and began to laugh loudly.
“Why on your right buttock in particular?” Ardeth managed to get out despite his mirth.
“I’m told it is simply the place where such things go,” Hermione shrugged. “Would you prefer I put it on my forehead?” Ardeth considered her.
“No, but on your cheeks like mine,” Ardeth swiped his thumb along her jaw. “Or maybe here. So everyone can see you are mine. Your right buttock would be too secret.” Hermione swallowed. She had been joking. However, Ardeth was perfectly serious.
“I’ll think about it,” Hermione coughed. Putting a man’s name on her face even in Arabic… it was nothing she would have ever done before. However, Hermione was asking Ardeth to bind his soul to hers. Maybe…
“You don’t have to,” Ardeth soothed. “It was just a thought.” But he wanted it. Hermione could see it in his eyes.
“I’ll think about it,” Hermione said again before they drifted into a companionable silence.
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Jonathon had made amends with Hermione (as best he could at least), and Hermione refrained from hexing him for the rest of the trip to the pyramid. The closer they got… the more tense everyone became. They could not be far behind Imhotep’s men and everyone was suitably on edge. They floated down the Blue Nile with towering cliffs on each side. Ardeth could see that Hermione was very uneasy. More so than everyone else.
“Everything is going to be okay,” Ardeth placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.
“Something is wrong,” Hermione said, far from being soothed. “Something bad is going to happen.” And like the evil twit that he was, Imhotep's face appeared in a wall of water. “Merlin’s Saggy Balls!”
“Step on it IZZY! Starboard! Starboard” Rick yelled.
“Hold on!” They all held on as they careened desperately after Horus between the cliffs narrowly avoiding the rock walls. They all breathed a sigh of relief when they made it out without splatting against the wall and it seemed they had lost Imhotep’s spell.
“Ahm Shere.”
“Great,” Rick said sarcastically as he looked through the spyglass.
“He’s back!” Izzy yelled.
“No really?!” Hermione yelled. She spelled her tent into her bag and braced herself.
“Hang on!” Rick yelled as the wall of water appeared yet again. Hermione threw up a protection spell as they were swallowed by the giant wall of water. She let go of her spell when the pressure grew too great, but thankfully it took the brunt of the water's force and the boat wasn’t broken to pieces. Hermione wobbled back on her feet. They were scattered along the ground, but thankfully; everyone seemed to be alright. Rick immediately began retrieving his guns and all his supplies.
“Alright Izzy, while we get my boy; we need you to get this blimp up and running again,” Rick ordered confidently.
“Even if I could, what am I supposed to fill it with?!” Izzy screamed shrilly. “It’s filled with gas. Where am I going to find gas in the middle of the jungle?”
“Natural resources,” Hermione supplied helpfully. Ardeth caught Horus as he flew towards him and began preparing his message.
“And,” Izzy continued, paying her not the slightest mind. “Even if I could finagle this to take hot air, I would need a MASSIVE amount. How am I supposed to do that?”
“Well, if anyone is full of hot air… it’s you pal,” Rick grinned before beginning to head the group back into the jungle. But, they all stopped at the shrill shriek of a bird as a gunshot rang through the trees.
“Horus! HORUS!” Ardeth was yelling frantically. Hermione silently said a prayer that what happened wasn’t THAT… but there was no response from his beloved bird. “I have to go,” Ardeth began frantically.
“No!” Rick stopped Ardeth as he attempted to walk off. “You have to help me find my son.” Ardeth looked regretfully at O’Connell.
“Someone has to direct the Medjai to face the army of Anubis.”
“You promised you would help me find my son,” O’Connell said desperately.
“I can take you,” Hermione interrupted. Rick turned to her in surprise. “Once we find Alex, I will take you by magical means. It will be a lot faster than you going on foot. Would be faster if I had been where we are going, but I’m still able to get you at least as fast as a horse could.” Hermione looked at Ardeth confidently. “Trust me.” Ardeth finally nodded.
“Alright. I will help you find your son, and then me and Hermione will go to the Medjai,” Ardeth nodded. They all began trouping off again, but Hermione interrupted again.
“I’m going to help Izzy with the blimp real quick. I can at least repair the bulk of the damages magically. It will take a couple of minutes. I’ll apparate to Evy’s safety charm when I do so… Don’t shoot me.”
“You’re sure you can find us?” Jonathon questioned skeptically.
“I managed to land inside of a flying aircraft working off the same amount of information,” Hermione deadpanned.
“Right. Forgot about that,” Jonathan laughed. Hermione walked up to Ardeth.
“I’ll see you soon,” Hermione kissed him on the cheek and the walked off leaving her with Izzy. Hermione began to repair the ship and material that held the hot air. “I can’t do anything about the engine,” Hermione said regretfully as Izzy watched her gaping at the amount she had done in such a short time. She had fixed damages that were there before the wall of water crashed into them in mere minutes. “But, at least this way you can focus on the engine and getting the hot air.”
“Thanks,” Izzy choked breathlessly. Hermione paused. Maybe… Horus wasn’t dead. Or she could get his body for Ardeth to bury later.
“Accio Horus the hawk,” Hermione waited with baited breath before catching the bird as it whizzed into her arms. And, amazingly, it bit her savagely. “Hey!” Hermione sucked her bleeding finger before examining the bird gently. His wing was damaged. That was evidently where he had been shot. Horus probably would have been eaten by some predator if Hermione hadn’t saved him, but he was alive. Hermione quickly patched him up the best she could and then fed him a small amount of dreamless sleep potion. “Izzy. I need you to hold onto Horus for me and keep him safe.”
“I am NOT holding onto the demon bird,” Izzy said looking at the bird escance. It had pecked him more than once during their long trip and he was not fond of it. Hermione placed the hawk down gently before grabbing Izzy roughly by the collar.
“So help me Izzy, you WILL ensure this bird lives. And if you don’t, I will turn you into a ferret and feed you to a hawk as penance.” Izzy stared at Hermione in terror.
“You wouldn’t!” Izzy choked. “You’re bluffing.”
“You want to test me and find out?” Hermione said icily. Izzy finally shook his head frantically no. Once Izzy had placed the bird carefully in a cupboard next to the steering wheel, Hermione gave him another warning look before she apparated. “I mean it Izzy. Either you both live or you both die,” and she was gone with a sharp crack.
“No wonder she is friends with O’Connell,” Izzy muttered and began to work on the engine after sending the closed cupboard a glare.