Feelings
They stationed Neville in the east. He was assigned to captain the soldiers watching the coast for Beauxbatons ships. His real assignment was to keep an eye on Loyalist crops in case Voldermort’s men tried to interfere, and to do what he could to increase production.
Ron was assigned to the midlands. Ron called it the north and Harry got nearly as pissy about it as Ron had been when Harry mentioned he was from the south. For the first time it felt natural to pull out a map of the kingdom and argue over where the lines should go. Like there was a purpose to maps that wasn’t planning out how many people would die. Ron approached it with military precision, although he rejected the military’s official designated regions. Ron still talked for two, but he listened to what Harry had something to say. Harry found himself smiling. Which was weird. But he didn’t make himself stop. Everyone liked Ron and the army set him to recruitment. And since everyone liked Ron, Dumbledore set him on making friends and gathering intel on the army’s logistics. Nothing would go through the midlands without Loyalists knowing.
The world grew quiet when they left Ron. They rode out on army horses following the main road north and stopped at inns with beds. Lupin paid for both of them to have hot meals. It should have been everything Harry wanted but he’d fucked up and raised his aspirations. They shared rooms, but Lupin slept in his own bed. Harry had grown used to a platonic body nearby. Ron always woke Harry up before the nightmares reached their peak. Alone, it was just Harry and his memories tormenting him till morning. Even if he no longer woke up screaming.
Harry found himself missing other things. It was novel. Wanting things he didn’t have. Made it hard to focus on Lupin when he spoke gently over dinner. Lupin always spoke gently. He talked to Harry like Harry might break if you raised your voice. He coached Harry on how to be a person as if Harry could be fixed. Then there were all the exercises that Harry knew were helping him get a handle on his emotions. He knew they were helping at whatever they were supposed to help with. Teach Harry to control his anger or at least stop punching people without realizing it. Get Harry to stop jumping at large men or vague shapes in the dark. The damned things got on Harry’s nerves. Lupin never argued with Harry. Never lost his patience. Never gave up on Harry getting better.
A newer task was to recognize thoughts that made him feel things. Like, he thought Lupin thought he was broken. Another task was to name the feeling. Harry felt… anger. Anger was an easy emotion to fall back on whenever he didn’t want to consider what else it could be. Lupin never looked disappointed when Harry told him how he felt. Even when the words sounded fake. Lupin just thanked Harry for sharing.
There were tasks for when he felt angry. Harry drumbed at the table with his fingers and felt the coarse wood under his fingertips. He breathed in and smelled the roasted lamb the inn served for dinner. He looked around the room. Saw the fire. Saw the antlers above the door. Saw the thin young man cleaning a table. The man looked up just as Harry’s eyes found him and suddenly their eyes connected. They were blue. The bright blue of the north, unlike the stormy gray Harry had seen so often these last few months. The man pushed his rust brown hair out of his face so he could catch another look of Harry. He had thin wrists. On a woman they’d be called dainty. The man was too plain to be pretty, but his smile was sweet. Harry turned back when Lupin said his name. He’d forgotten he was angry over anything.
Harry left Lupin asleep in their room that night. The young man was still downstairs cleaning up after the last of the guests. Harry hesitated in the doorway until the man spotted him. There was that shy, sweet smile.
The loft above the stables was a world above fucking next to a trash heap. Harry was glad he had the comparison because it let him easily forgive the horses’ smell. The man did his best to distract Harry in other ways. With lips and tongue and fingers. Harry kissed back with his own ferocity. He didn’t mind that the man was younger and less experienced. It was nice that he lacked the formidable strength and confidence that would make Harry think of Cedric. This man did not have the skill to take Harry apart. But he did bite at Harry’s lips and suck on his tongue and shove his hand into Harry’s trousers to grasp hold of Harry’s cock. Eager was nice. Eager was what Harry wanted. The man had his own condoms, thank god because Harry didn’t bring any. He wanted Harry to fuck him. Which… fine. That was fine. Harry could switch. Probably felt just as good this way. Harry knew how to prep for it. His fingers felt strange up another man’s ass but the man kept making little eager noises so Harry didn’t stop. He figured three was enough. Three had been good when Cedric did it. He pulled his fingers out and wiped them on the bed of hay. Then rolled on the condom. This was it. He actually was excited. Not just his cock, which was beyond ready, but Harry himself. After months of hardly jacking off, and feeling guilty each time afterwards, he was going to do something more. So he did it. He slid his cock in and basked in the tight squeeze of this man’s ass. It was nearly embarrassing how fast it was over. But Harry made sure the man finished, too.
Harry was still buttoning up his trousers when he found Lupin waiting for him right outside the stables. Lupin tried to smile warmly but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Done for the night?” Lupin tried to keep his words mild.
Harry knew that when he felt cold he was supposed to name what was happening. Right now Harry thought… Lupin was disappointed in him but also didn’t trust Harry enough to show it. Harry felt… angry. Still easier to call it anger. Thinking he was angry made him angry. Harry snapped, “Do you like spying on folks having sex?”
Lupin’s smile turned grim but he still gave Harry that supportive look of his like he’d always be there if Harry needed.. “I don’t mind you having sex.” Harry cocked a skeptical eyebrow since Lupin must have followed him out here for some reason. “I just want to make sure you’re being careful.”
“Save the safe sex talk. They gave it to me when I enlisted.” Harry shoved past Lupin. His face was beet red. Anger. Probably just anger.
Lupin followed Harry to their room. The silence stretched awkwardly as they sat on their respective beds. As much as Lupin wanted to keep the peace, something weighed on him that he couldn’t let go. “You have to be careful, Harry. It just takes once to get a woman pregnant. You’re…” he didn’t say king because he knew Harry hadn’t agreed to that yet. But Harry remembered McGonagall’s history lectures and knew how a bastard child could disturb the peace.
Harry had never once in his life even imagined fucking a woman. He thought of it now and laughed. It was a boisterous sound he didn’t recognize from himself. He’d never been one for levity. “I’m not knocking anyone up, Lupin.” Harry could tell Lupin didn’t see the humor.
“There are STIs,” Lupin continued to explain.
Harry rubbed at his face. “Christ, just go to bed.” Thankfully, they both did.
They entered the north not talking. Harry still shared a fact. “You don’t trust me. I am angry.” It was true, but despite the anger Harry felt proud he was able to be so open. What’s worse was the same pride was reflected on Lupin’s face. He thanked Harry for sharing and together they rode on in relative peace.
You knew you were in the north by the yellow rocky terrain. The mountains loomed over everything with snow covered cliffs. The air smelled crisper. Harry understood how the Creeveys claimed to smell the weather coming. When snow hung in front of you you could feel it on your tongue.
A large black dog rested on the side of the path. At first Harry thought it a stray, but if so it was finding food somewhere. Lupin pulled up short a dozen paces away and signaled Harry to stop with him. Lupin surprised Harry with a sharp whistle. The dog got to its feet and trotted over, not bothered by the horses. Lupin sighed but climbed out of the saddle to pat the dog fondly.
“What happened to Padfoot?” Harry didn’t see who Lupin was talking to until a man stood next to him. A tall man with long, black hair and gray eyes. The picture of southern nobility, carelessly handsome in his rumbled black cloak. He slapped Lupin on the back before both men reached out for an embrace. They spoke like old friends with shared history that made the words hard to follow. The dog was Padfoot. A new Padfoot. The man was Sirius. An old Sirius well worn and worse for it. He was passing through with news but Lupin refused to take the parcel of notes just yet. Sirius knew better than to come this early, but come he had. Lupin gave Sirius the sort of look Harry felt he was always holding back from Harry. Disappointment and the slightest resentment. Lupin’s smile was more forced than Harry’d ever seen it when he called Harry down off his horse to make introductions.
Harry froze up when Sirius embraced him with the same warmth he’d given Lupin. As if they, too, were old friends. “You look just like your father.” Sirius was nearly in awe. Harry said nothing. “I’m your godfather, Harry.” The man was waiting for Harry to say something. Anything. He’d come with expectations Harry couldn’t meet. Harry thought… this man wanted him to be his father. Harry felt… he couldn’t name the emotion churning in him when they left his godfather behind. When Harry looked over his shoulder Sirius had already disappeared. Lupin caught him looking and warned him to keep his distance. Harry had never heard Lupin speak poorly of people before. But he called Sirius troubled.
The base looked smaller than Harry remembered. It was dirtier, too. The boys had always been young, but the trainees running around could have been prepubescent. They acted like they didn’t know Harry. Even the soldiers Harry recognized. It wasn’t like the north to ignore someone you knew. More likely Harry had changed too much to be seen clearly riding in on a horse in his black uniform with silver buttons. He felt cold inside and Lupin didn’t even step in to talk him out of it. They had left the strange inbetween of their journey. It had been Harry’s choice to come back.
Before Lupin could ask directions Harry was already on his way to the tower room where the officers minded their maps and devised their strategies. Where the captains went when their missions were over to report the dead and be told congratulations. This room looked smaller, too. Harry’s room in Hogwarts castle had been about the same size. That didn’t stop the pompous men from sitting smug at their table. They congratulated Harry on his return. Congratulated him on graduating top of his class. Congratulated themselves on having done the impossible task of turning a northern boy into a man of distinction.
They congratulated Lupin, too, but those words had a harsh edge. These officers had conquered the northern mountains and were being promoted. Lupin had been brought in to carry on in their stead. Keep the mountain conquered. They said it like Lupin might not be up to the challenge. Lupin only smiled at them. Vague and courteous. It was nothing like the smile he gave his students. By end of week the officers were gone. The north had been handed to Lupin without any life lost. Now he only had to keep it.
Low ranking officers were left with Lupin. Harry now recognized the names off the list of Loyalist families. They’d been sent up north by the king to die. Like Cedric. A smaller contingency of soldiers were left as well. Nothing like the masses that had accumulated before. Most others had been transferred west, after the Battle of the Gurg. The mountain men had fallen back to deeper caves after that and hadn’t been seen since. Lupin had just enough men to maintain a steady patrol. And to keep watch on the miners the king now employed for the caves.
That was the new job the king offered the north. The new promise of steady meals. Deep in the caves housed valuable ores that Lupin was responsible for providing to the crown at a set schedule. Or else. Food was so scarce these days that even grown men had abandoned their jobs in town to mine the mountains. For only the scant promise of two cold meals a day.
Harry couldn’t pull his thoughts away from how Neville and Lady Sprout had discussed which people they’d withhold meals from should it come to war. Lupin had to jar him out of his memories. Back in officers quarters Lupin made sure to sit with Harry as he ran through his exercises. Harry felt grounded afterwards. In private, Lupin would take the time to treat Harry gentle. Even if he still had nightmares at least Harry didn’t wake up screaming.
It was the Creevey brothers who recognized him. Their own Harry, back from the south. Dennis didn’t know how to act around an officer he’d once marched beside. Colin was young and foolish enough to hug Harry in his excitement. Harry knew he should scold, or at least warn Colin off, but it felt a bit like Ron to have someone hold him. The lack of scolding unlocked a world of knowledge that hadn’t been shared with Lupin on his arrival. The army was sending less and less food. Even upon risk of death, soldiers were deserting. The death rate in the mines wasn’t formally counted but the ore was in short supply and no one knew how to dig stable tunnels to find more. The giants weren’t as far gone as they said. Some patrols went out and never came back. Taking command of this base was being set up to fail.
Harry relayed the information to Lupin with cold efficiency.
Harry thought… he’d had higher hopes for returning home and the world hadn’t lived up to his expectations. Harry felt… angry.
Even Lupin looked stressed at the magnitude of what they faced. Lupin wrote out a long note that even in a code Harry couldn’t read. He gave Harry instructions of where to go to find Padfoot. Told him to whistle when he got there. Harry was good at following instructions. He watched for Sirius to reveal himself but didn’t see him until Sirius stood next to Harry. Sirius smiled like Harry was an old friend and asked Harry if he wanted to go for a walk.
There was a stream not far away that started as snow in the mountains and flooded in the fall. Harry had never walked along it before. It was nice, he supposed. Pretty. Sirius didn’t mind this time that Harry didn’t chatter. He spoke enough for the two of them and gave Harry only a glimpse of his life story. The stories all featured Harry’s father. Harry had spent a lifetime thinking of his father as a heartless shadow who used his mother for her body. Sirius painted the picture of someone far different. In the stories James was young, brave, adventurous, charming. No matter how many times Sirius said, “you remind me of him,” the only thing Harry felt they had in common was their youth. Although it was possible Harry was even older now. He wasn’t so heartless as to ask how old James was when he died. No one had talked this much to Harry since Ron left and not even Ron was so consistently cheerful. They exchanged their parcels before parting ways. Sirius would need to be on his way, but when he came back he hoped to meet Harry again.
Harry thought… that would be nice. Harry felt… maybe he felt happy.
The next months were hard. Lupin’s management of the base was nothing like anyone expected. He changed the division of labor. The Creeveys were asked to identify anyone with a background in farming and every one of them was pulled aside for a special project. Get food to grow. That left half as many people for patrols. The patrols were given strict orders not to engage in combat if they see a giant. Report back to Lupin directly and await further orders. Those orders were always Lupin sending out Harry to the location to leave a strange stack of stones that Lupin taught him. Hagrid had taught Lupin. Harry never asked what it meant, but it kept the giants away. Lupin let the mining slacken. He went himself to visit the men and spent a month working carefully with them to find a safer way to support a tunnel. They mined only half of their quota, but Lupin wasn’t concerned. He called in his officers and used it as a teaching moment for how to navigate a megalomaniac. Harry saw the other young officers shine under Lupin’s encouragement and praise. Despite the supplicating tone of the letter he sent the king, Lupin made it known that if any of his own men ever failed all they need to do is talk to him directly. He wasn’t the sort to murder over it.
Lupin used that word. Murder. With men who swore an oath to the crown. None of them blinked an eye at it. These were not King Voldermort’s people. They followed Lupin. Lupin had trained them. He cared for them. He treated them gentle.
Harry thought… He felt… nothing. He was completely fine. Lupin didn’t have time to help Harry through his exercises that night but it was fine.
Winter came and the crown halved the food they sent north. Lupin ordered their own supplies be shared as far as it could. Harry had forgotten what it was like to be this hungry. If the giants attacked now they could take back everything but they never came. Lupin wrote more letters and Harry visited the creek each day to see if Padfoot was there. The dog knew his scent and on the days Sirius came back Padfoot would come when Harry whistled.
Sirius was perceptive. Harry never asked, but there was a shift when Sirius shared a story about his mother. Soon, all the stories featured Lily. How James and Lily met. How they fell in love. How James had to return south and knew Lily would only come if they married. Sirius described the small wedding at Harry’s grandparents’ house. He never mentioned Lily’s sister. Harry didn’t ask. He never asked for anything. Asking was the same as having aspirations and expectations and when that happened things fell apart. Sirius brought him things anyway. Food that was scarce. Leather gloves. A warm cloak. He said James would have wanted Sirius to watch out for Harry.
Harry thought… it was possible his parents had wanted him taken care of. Harry felt… maybe he felt happy.
Each day bled into the next. Harry had a routine and directions he knew how to follow. Hardly anyone was at risk of dying. In fact, one day Lupin went out into the woods and when he came back the next morning he ordered the miners not to go back. He sent them to the fields. Every extra set of hands was sent to reclaim land that had been harmed in the last decade of battle. The priority was bringing the land back to life. They grew plants of all types and before long there was food for everyone. No one questioned where the ore sent to the king was coming from. No one worried when the shipments to the king were sometimes short.
Harry should be happy. He thought he was satisfied. But he felt… he didn’t have a word for this feeling.
Lupin still always made time for Harry. He was kind and he was gentle. He told Harry he was proud of him. He let Harry shadow him and always explained his decisions.
It wasn’t any more than Lupin did for any of the other officers. They all looked at Lupin with stars in their eyes. Like he’d hung the moon. It was hard not to, when Lupin saw so much in each of them. He gave them special tasks. Challenged them to solve real problems. Sent them off to lead teams and prove their worth. Harry watched him do it. He had to keep reminding himself to have low expectations. That’s how your expectations got met. But every day he thought it might be the one where Lupin decided Harry was fixed enough to have his own special task.
He didn’t have a word for this feeling.
One day Harry talked to Sirius. It’s not that he wanted to. Sirius just always looked at Harry like if Harry were to say something it would matter. Harry didn’t mean to say so much. He’d never even told Ron about the exercise lupin had him do. He especially would never admit to Ron that he’d lied during some of them. He hadn’t meant to lie to Lupin. He just didn’t know the names to the feelings and he didn’t want Lupin to know.
Sirius listened like he’d been thirsty a long time and Harry was his first drink of water. He asked Harry to share and never acted like Harry said something wrong or needed to be fixed. He had words for Harry’s feelings. Sirius said it was okay to feel hurt that Lupin didn’t trust him. He said it was okay to feel lonely because Lupin didn’t want a real relationship with Harry, like Sirius had. Harry knew the words but didn’t think they were the sort to apply to him. Sirius didn’t force him to. He took the hint and let talk of feelings fade away. He told Harry an embarrassing story about Lupin and Harry actually laughed. It still sounded strange. He’d never been one for levity.
That round of letters carried bad news and the next weeks were especially dour. Lupin spent more time at his desk writing. Harry was encouraged to read everything but he struggled to learn the secret code. While Harry tried, Lupin asked one of his other officers to help craft letters to the king and the king’s council chair, Lucius Malfoy. Harry shadowed their discussions. No one asked him for help. Not that he could have helped. He didn’t understand why one long flowery sentence was any better than another. But the young officer did and Lupin was so thankful to have someone as a thought partner for these decisions.
Harry thought… it was good that Lupin had someone who could help him when he was stressed. Harry felt…
That afternoon he went to check on the soldiers instead of shadow Lupin further. Lupin looked surprised Harry had asked if he could go do the chore. Maybe he also looked happy. Harry couldn’t tell why Lupin would be happy. Harry didn’t examine how it made him feel that Lupin would be happy to get rid of him.
The soldiers were goofing around in their training. They stopped when Harry walked in. Even the Creeveys. Smiling felt strange but Harry tried to do it anyway. At least for Colin. Had it already been a year since Harry returned and Colin had hugged him? No one hugged him today. They called him sir. Got back to their training. Dennis chatted with Harry some. It was friendly but not gossip. The soldiers were in their common attire and Harry was in his black uniform with the silver buttons. Harry’d stayed up in the tower too long. He was the one these men went and made their reports to. They did the hard work, and if it was good enough they’d look to Harry for congratulations.
Sirius had told Harry he was lonely. Maybe that’s what this feeling was.
Harry visited the stream every day and whistled for Padfoot. Then one day Padfoot and Sirius were there.
Harry thought… he needed his friend. He felt… happy.
Sirius looked at Harry like he was the one who hung the moon in the sky. Harry didn’t mean to say so much but talking to Sirius was different. For the first time in his life Harry talked enough for two. Sirius seemed to want to hear Harry’s entire life story. Not that Harry said it. At least nothing before the south. Harry told Sirius that Ron used to talk to him but they had to leave Ron and now Harry didn’t have anyone and he was lonely. Harry looked up when he said it. He only realized afterwards he had expected Sirius to be proud like Lupin would have been when Harry admitted his feelings. Harry ignored the lurch when Sirius wasn’t. Sirius did care, though. He was quick to reassure Harry that Sirius was there for him and he wasn’t alone. Sirius was his best friend. Harry did one of his smiles. It was feeling less strange these days. Harry admitted that he wished Sirius didn’t have to leave. When Sirius was gone Harry only had Lupin. Lupin meant well. He made time for Harry. He was encouraging and gentle. Sirius cut in then. Lupin was controlling. Lupin didn’t believe in Harry. Lupin would get in the way if Harry ever tried to do anything that he wanted to do. Harry’s smile faltered. He had tried not to think those thoughts but when Sirius said them they sounded true. Sirius said Harry shouldn’t hang around here with Lupin. He should go with Sirius.
Harry thought… he could go with Sirius. Only, Harry felt… he didn’t have a word for what he felt.
Sirius was perceptive. Maybe he read whatever Harry was feeling on his face. Sirius brushed off the suggestion as just an idea for another time. Harry was probably just venting and wasn’t as lonely as all that. Wryly, he suggested Harry find a sweet girl in town to spend a night with. Pay if he had to. The right person would do wonders to ease your mind.
Harry didn’t even think before he said he wasn’t looking for a woman. He was gay.
For the first time ever Sirius looked at Harry like something was wrong with him. Then he tried to laugh it off. His laughter sounded brittle. “Good one. You got me.” As if Harry was joking.
Back at the base Harry thought… he should have corrected Sirius. He’d been willing to be beaten to death rather than hide himself. He felt… he didn’t have words for how he felt. His face was red and he was too hot. Hot like when he got angry enough to punch people without realizing. He kept remembering Cedric telling him one day he’d find a woman to marry. Harry had never asked why. He could have had Harry. Harry would have stayed with him forever. Now he wondered if someone once laughed at Cedric for suggesting such a thing. Wondered who in their right mind could have looked at Cedric and thought he was broken.
There were exercises Harry was supposed to do when he was angry. Because Harry was broken. Too broken for Lupin. Maybe broken enough even Sirius had seen it. Harry needed to get his head on straight. Do something to clear his mind.
He left the base in a hurry. Went somewhere he’d long known about by reputation. The place he’d figured his mother had lived and died. Because his so-called family lied to him and told him she was a whore. He found a whore and tried not to compare him to how he’d imagined his mother.
He was short and freckled and pretty. Harry knew he was being played for a fool and charged too much. But the man had his own room with his own bed. That had once been the height of Harry’s aspirations. The man kissed like Harry was the best thing he’d ever tasted. Harry’d asked for condoms and the man rolled one onto Harry with his mouth. The blow jobs Harry’d had before had always been sloppy, juvenile things. This man sucked Harry’s mind out through his cock. Harry’d paid for the night and the man made use of it. He took his time to stretch Harry out. Made sure it would be good for him. Then the man fucked like a hammer. He took Harry from behind and it reminded Harry of Cedric, on the nights when he thought he might die and couldn’t bear not to have Harry one more time before it happened. The man held Harry as he slept. He woke him up from his nightmare with sex. He had Harry screaming.
The man kissed Harry goodbye on the stoop outside his room. Invited him back any time Harry wanted. Harry felt light. Fucked out and happy.
Then Harry turned round to leave and saw Dennis Creevey waiting. Lupin had sent him to follow Harry. To keep Harry safe. Must not have had the fucking time to stalk Harry himself. Better things to do. He could delegate his distrust these days.
Harry threw Dennis on the ground and told him to tell Lupin to go fuck himself.
Harry thought… the stream was very calm. He felt… worried.
Maybe Sirius had left already. Maybe Harry truly was alone. He tried to do his breathing exercises but they just made Harry think of Lupin and he couldn’t do it. Instead he sat next to the stream as his mind spiraled deeper and deeper into the red haze of anger. Anger was easier. Better. He didn’t want to feel hurt. He didn’t want to feel alone.
And he didn’t have to. Because Sirius hadn’t left at all. He’d come back. He’d been hoping Harry would be there at the stream. He’d been waiting for Harry, too.