Blue scrubs
Meredith doesn't see Addison for a few days but she is still convinced she is losing her mind. She is certain she's losing it when a patient who has been in a vegetative state for 16 years looks at her.
She is sure the patient looked at her, but no one believes her. She understands, she can barely trust her mind these days. But still, the patient's eyes are haunting her.
So, even though she doesn't want to, she goes to find Derek. She has to, she needs to make sure, just in case. She can't imagine what being trapped in her mind would feel like. She doesn't want to think about it actually.
Meredith had been avoiding Derek for weeks. Yet, here she was, in front of his office, actively seeking him out. When he opens the door, they stare at each other for a few seconds in uncomfortable silence. Meredith second-guesses her decision, but she knows that if there is anyone in this hospital who could turn a man's brain back on, it would be him.
Derek tells her — like everyone else — that patients in a vegetative state can have random eye movements.
But Meredith can't let this go, she has a gut feeling about this patient. So she insists and tells Derek he owes her. That wipes the smile off his face, and he nods sadly before following her to the patient's room.
They find out the patient is following Meredith's voice and from there, everything unravels quickly. Meredith has to tell him he's been in a coma for the past 16 years, that his wife has moved on, and that he's missed his son growing up. They contact his family and his wife doesn't want to have anything to do with him, like him being out of his vegetative state is his fault, like it's an inconvenience. Meredith understands on a certain level, but she still finds it harsh. Her heart breaks a bit when she sees the patient's tears as he watches his son walk away from the room.
Sadly, it only gets worse for the patient as he needs to decide if he wants to undergo a very risky surgery that might save his life. He asks Meredith to decide for him because he's confused and no one is there for him. Again, her heart breaks and for a few seconds, she fears she'll end up just as alone.
Meredith gets to scrub in on an amazing brain surgery. But the patient dies. And later, she finds out the patient's son has been waiting there the entire time. Before she can deliver the news, he tells her he's reconsidered and wants to get to know his father. Meredith has to hold back her tears. She doesn't want to break the teenager's heart, but she has to.
She takes a deep breath and thinks of Addison; of her compassionate professionalism and tries to imitate her. Meredith tells him and he looks completely lost, just like his father when he woke up from a 16-year coma. He breaks down in her arms. Meredith doesn't know how to deal with emotions but she tries her best. Again, she thinks of how Addison offers a grounding presence to her patients when she delivers bad news and she tries to do the same.
Meredith manages but once she's out of the teenager's eyesight, she starts to cry. Life is unfair and she hates it.
She finds herself sitting in an empty stairwell, the weight of the day finally crashing in on her. She feels heavy, like something inside her has cracked open.
"Hey." A voice says and Meredith instantly recognizes who it belongs to.
She looks up to see Addison standing at the top of the stairwell. Of course, Addison is here. She wonders if she somehow managed to beacon her here with her thoughts when she channeled her earlier to talk to the patient's son.
Apparently, Addison is always there when Meredith's world feels like it's falling apart. If it were any other day, she would try to deny she isn't happy the redhead is here. But today, she isn't strong enough for it. Instead, when Addison sits down next to her and Meredith can smell her wonderful perfume, she breathes out a sigh of relief. She doesn't understand why, but right now, she doesn't care and decides to take the comfort Addison is offering with her quiet presence.
"You okay?" Addison asks softly.
Meredith doesn't answer. She isn't okay. But she's a surgeon, she knows she can't let every case shake her like this.
At Meredith’s silence, Addison shuffles closer until their legs are brushing. Meredith feels appeased in some way.
Addison doesn't say anything else; she just sits there. Quiet. Present. Unshakable. There are no expectations, she is not pressuring her to talk and maybe that is why she decides to do just that. Talk.
"We couldn't save him." Meredith says, her voice strong but defeated.
"You did everything you could." Addison says firmly but gently. Meredith knows this but it is nice to hear it. Especially coming from a world-class surgeon. Her voice is steady and grounding; it makes Meredith believe her.
The blond nods and lets her head fall back against the wall, her eyes drifting shut, the exhaustion from the day catching up to her.
Meredith feels Addison's hand brush against her own. It is the slightest touch, but it feels warm and steady. It makes Meredith feel like she can breathe again.
These quiet touches and compassionate moments seem to be happening more and more and Meredith wonders if the two women are becoming sort of friends. She doesn't know what it is about Addison, but she finds the thought appealing.
**
Meredith's morning starts like any other; it's a mess.
She wakes up to find some random guy — whose name she can't remember — sprawled across her bed. He's naked, sweaty, and definitely overstayed his welcome. Damn it.
Meredith tries to get up and realizes she's hungover. Typical. She remembers having been unable to deal with her emotions the previous night, and then she remembers the tequila. Now, there is a stranger in her bed. Classic Meredith.
"Hey. Time to go." Meredith says, nudging the guy with her foot. Her voice is rough from the drinking and she realizes she needs some water. But first, she needs to get rid of this guy. She thinks his name starts with an S, but she can't be certain.
S something stirs but doesn't wake up. Great.
"Hey!" Meredith repeats, more forcefully this time.
Finally, he blinks awake. He grins lazily at her and stretches. "Morning." He says.
Meredith realizes he's not that good-looking. Which — when she thinks about it — isn't that surprising. Drunk Meredith is not known for making good choices.
Meredith is annoyed at herself, and she has a headache so when the guy smiles at her, her patience evaporates. "Yeah. Okay. No. No talking. Just put on your pants and go, please."
Thankfully, he doesn't insist, doesn't ask for her number or anything like that, and leaves. Quite efficiently. Meredith breathes out a sigh of relief when she hears the front door close and thinks she's done with S something.
But, of course, as luck would have it, she isn't. Not by far actually. Because, as she's grabbing a cup of coffee, S something shows up with an... issue.
She can't leave him there; she's a surgeon after all. So she goes looking for Cristina.
"You okay there?" Cristina asks, glancing at the guy with amusement.
"I think I broke his penis... or something." Meredith mutters, horrified.
"What?" Cristina asks, snorting, barely containing her laughter.
"This guy from last night, he's here because..."
"It won't come down." S something supplies.
That's it, no more taking boys home when I'm drunk, Meredith thinks.
And that does it for Cristina, she starts laughing uncontrollably, head thrown back in amusement.
"You're a legend, Mer. I mean... seriously... iconic." Cristina says between laughter. Meredith is not amused. "That's my girl." She adds, going in for a high-five but Meredith pushes the three of them in an empty exam room. She closes the blinds, trying to make sure they don't attract too much attention because it is the last thing she needs... She's already the dirty mistress, she doesn't to be the dirty slut as well.
But, unfortunately for Meredith, the entire hospital seems to know by lunchtime. Nurses are whispering, Alex gives her a smug grin, and George can barely make eye contact with her. Cristina — for her part — is still endlessly amused and starts laughing again every time Meredith looks at her in embarrassment.
But the worst part? Addison.
Meredith knows she's doomed the second she hears that laugh. It's low, warm, and entirely too amused for Meredith's liking.
"Oh no..." Meredith groans under her breath as Addison saunters up to her. Well, at least she's making Addison laugh, that has to count for something, right?
Meredith is scared to turn around because she knows the look she'll find in Addison's eyes. But maybe she should have because what happens next is worse. Much worse. Addison decides to get so close to her that their bodies are brushing. Apparently, physical contact is what they do now.
Except, usually, it happens in rather sad situations, it is more comfort than contact for the sake of contact. But right now, there is absolutely no reason for Addison to be standing this close. There is no need for Meredith to feel Addison breathing down her neck, literally.
"So..." Addison starts, her voice dripping with barely contained laughter. Addison's voice is warm, and far far too close. "I hear you've been... busy." Addison whispers in her ear, insisting on the last word. She actually whispers it in her ear. And is her voice lower than it was seconds ago? It makes it 10 times worse; Meredith is worried her knees are going to give out.
"Please, don't." Meredith whines, pressing her fingers to her temple to try and alleviate the headache that's rapidly increasing.
Still, Addison doesn't move, she stays unnecessarily close. Meredith hates it. (She does not).
"Oh, come on." Addison says and Meredith can feel the amusement growing in her voice. "You broke his penis, Grey. That takes skills."
Meredith turns around and glares at her. She has to take a step back when she notices how close they're standing. The closeness doesn't seem to be bothering Addison, but it unsettles Meredith.
Meredith glares. "I don't think I broke his penis per se..." Meredith adds like it makes it less embarrassing. The blond doesn't think she's seen Addison so amused before.
"Oh, I'm sure you didn't." Addison teases, still grinning. "I mean... was there an agenda, or was it more of a spontaneous penile assault?" Addison asks.
Meredith is embarrassed, incredibly so. But Addison is teasing her, and teasing seems like something friends do. It makes her heart feel strangely warm.
"Shut up." Meredith says with an unmatched eloquence.
Addison raises her (very pretty) hands in mock surrender before walking away backward, her teasing eyes not leaving Meredith's embarrassed ones. If Meredith had done something like this, she's certain she would have walked into at least two people, knocked over a few tables, and injured someone. But Addison is just that smooth apparently. Meredith hates it. (She doesn't).
**
Later that day, Meredith is still sulking, partly because of her humiliation and partly because Addison’s teasing smile has been replying in her mind all morning.
She thinks doing some work in the ER will distract her. But it doesn't. Because, when she gets there, Addison is there, looking at charts. She's there and she's wearing blue scrubs, not salmon, blue.
Addison Montgomery — world-class surgeon, Derek's ex-wife, the woman Meredith absolutely does not have confusing feelings for — is wearing blue scrubs. And Meredith knows what that means.
"She's staying." Cristina says before the thought can fully form in Meredith's mind. Cristina is digging into a bag of chips like they're popcorn and she's watching a movie. Meredith understands really because her life could be compared to a soap opera.
"She's staying." Meredith repeats a little breathlessly as she finds herself staring at Addison once again.
The redhead is all sharp lines and quiet confidence, her hair pulled back in a high ponytail, her posture effortlessly commanding. Even though Meredith didn't think it was possible, the blue scrubs somehow make her look more powerful, like she's carved out her place here and dares anyone to challenge her. She looks h... whatever. She looks whatever.
Addison glances up from her chart and meets Meredith's gaze. For a second, her features soften, just slightly, before she smirks like she knows exactly what Meredith is thinking. Fuck. Then, she simply turns back to her work like nothing happened and Meredith is left staring like an idiot.
"You okay there?" Cristina asks, arching an eyebrow in amusement. But Meredith can see a hint of confusion there. Yeah, she can understand that. Fair enough.
"Yeah. I just... yeah." Meredith says, clearing her throat. She is okay, just confused.
Meredith is thrilled to see the blue scrubs on Addison. She's glad and not just because Addison is a great surgeon. Not just because Addison once saved Cristina’s life or because she's exactly the kind of badass surgeon this hospital needs.
No... she's glad for selfish reasons.
Lately, the hospital has felt less chaotic with Addison around. Addison has this way of knowing when Meredith is about to break and quietly offering comfort when no one else can.
Meredith still does not understand it, but Addison makes her feel strangely steadier. Something she doesn't feel very often. So yes, she's glad Addison is officially an attending. Good call, Chief Webber, she thinks, good call.
Meredith watches as Addison tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear, her face serious as she writes something down on her chart.
She's glad. Definitely glad.
Addison must feel that Meredith is still staring because once she's done writing on her chart, she makes her way to Meredith, her strides purposeful and confident.
"Are you okay, Dr. Grey?"
"Yeah. Just... the blue scrubs." Meredith says because what else can she say? I have confusing feelings for you, I have a brain tumor and I'm strangely thrilled that you're staying? Hell no. Thinking about it, Meredith wonders why Dr. Montgomery decided to stay. She's not married to Derek anymore hence have no marital obligations left. And from what Meredith knows, all her friends are in New York or LA. So even though it's none of her business, she wonders why Addison is staying. She's been finding herself wondering about Addison a lot lately. Meredith realizes she wants to get to know Addison, she wants to learn more about her. That is concerning in itself because Meredith never wants to get to know people, but here she is, wanting to get to know Addison. Thankfully, Addison speaks before she can give it more thought.
"Yeah, blue scrubs. Is it... going to be a problem?" Addison asks with caution, her shoulders having slightly dropped. She's staring at Meredith like she's waiting for the other ping to drop, Meredith isn't sure. But the blond wants the look to go away.
"No, of course not. I'm glad you're staying." Meredith says truthfully, sharing a tiny part of what she's been thinking during the past few minutes.
"You are?" Addison asks surprised. There is a look of slight wonder in her eyes like maybe she can't quite believe what Meredith is saying. There is a flicker of doubt in her eyes like she can't believe Meredith would want her to stay, like she is used to being unwanted. It makes Meredith's heart ache. She hates it. She briefly wonders how anyone could look at Addison and not want her.
"I am." Meredith confirms with a small smile. Then, her pager saves her from having to say anything else.
Addison is still staring at her in some sort of awe and Meredith isn't sure of what to do. Quickly, she thinks of the casual touch routine that's been going on between the two of them. So, as she leaves to attend to the emergency she's been paged for, she makes sure to walk close enough to Addison and squeezes her wrist gently. Meredith hopes it gives the woman comfort, that it can ground her somehow.
When Addison’s eyes soften, when her fingers twitch slightly like she's tempted to hold on, Meredith knows she's screwed. Fuck.
Later that night, as Meredith lies in bed (alone this time), she keeps seeing Addison's face and that heart-wrenching flicker of doubt. Addison hadn't flinched, hadn't let her polite smile falter, hadn't seemed openly hurt. But just for a second, her eyes had betrayed her, a brief sight of something small and painful like she had been waiting for rejection. Meredith knew that look, it was the look of someone who'd been hurt too many times and couldn't expect anything else. It had been subtle, but it had hit Meredith and made her feel like the breath had been knocked out of her, and not in a good way.
Because this was Addison. Addison who was always so put together, always so sharp and composed. Addison who would deliver devastating news with a calm voice and steady hands. Addison who never seemed to crack, whose professional mask never seemed to falter, except — apparently — when she thought Meredith didn't want her there. And that stuck with Meredith the most. She wasn't sure how to explain it yet, but she knew it was significant.
And then, there was the way Addison's face had softened when Meredith had squeezed her wrist, like maybe, no one had reached for her in a long time.
Meredith wasn't sure she had meant to do it, not really. It had just sort of happened. Like her body (her brain tumor) had instinctively known what Addison needed before her brain could catch up.
It made Meredith feel unsettled because it hadn't just been that she had wanted to offer comfort, she had needed to. She had only felt better once she'd felt the warmth of Addison's wrist under her fingers.
And now, hours later, her mind kept circling back to it; to Addison’s quiet vulnerability, to the warmth of her skin, to the fact that Addison is staying.
Meredith tries to tell herself it's the brain tumor, that she's just tired, that it's been a long day filled with too much death, too much tequila, and too much embarrassment. But no matter how hard she tries to reason with herself, she knows the truth.
She knows she's not just glad Addison is staying, she's relieved.
Because somehow, without Meredith noticing how or when it happened, Addison Montgomery has become the person she trusts to keep her steady, and grounded.
And that?
That terrifies her.