I wish I'd known you when you were younger (before lovers)
Jason walked into the living room and looked around.
There were a few family pictures hanging on the walls, and a few others on the mantelpiece.
Jason slowly walked up to the mantelpiece, and picked up the first picture frame.
Jason picked up a photo of himself and Bruce.
They were standing together, close, arms around each other's shoulders.
They were both smiling. A genuine smile, a happy smile, not one faked just for the camera.
Jason looked at the picture for a long moment, and his heart stung.
It stung because he remembered his own relationship with Bruce, and how it was nothing like the one depicted in the picture.
He remembered the coldness and distance between them. He remembered the harsh words, and the pain.
Jason remembered the times when he and Bruce would get into fights.
It usually started with some minor disagreement, but would quickly escalate into a full blown brawl.
Jason remembered the punches, the kicks, the jabs, and the pain. He remembered the feeling of rage, and the feeling of helplessness.
Jason remembered the times he wished for Bruce to just listen to him, to try and understand him.
But instead, he would always end up taunting him, and Bruce would retaliate in kind.
Both of them were so emotionally incapable, neither of them willing to back down.
Jason finally had enough.
He carefully put down the picture of him and Bruce, and moved to the next one.
The next picture depicted Jason, Bruce, Dick, Tim, and Damian.
They were all standing together, but they looked stiff and awkward, their smiles forced and fake.
It was obvious that the picture had been taken after many failed attempts.
They all looked tired, and it was obvious they just wanted the photo shoot to end. But despite the exhaustion, there was a sense of happiness in their eyes.
Jason scoffed at the picture and moved away from the table.
He had already accepted the fact that he would never have anything like this with his own family. There was no point in dwelling on something he would never have.
Jason walked into the kitchen and was surprised to find it looking very clean and tidy.
It was obvious that someone had taken great care to make sure the kitchen was well kept.
Jason walked further into the kitchen, and noticed that it was also used. The fridge was stocked with groceries, and there were dishes in the sink.
Jason scoffed as he thought about cooking. He never really bothered to cook anymore, there was never anyone for him to cook for.
He'd often just scrounge up whatever he could from the nearest fast food restaurant, or just skip dinner altogether.
Jason rummaged through the cabinets and stumbled upon a small packet of cigarettes and a lighter.
He couldn't help but smirk when he found them. It seemed like this other Jason wasn't as prim and proper as he thought.
Jason picked up the packet of cigarettes and took out a single cigarette.
He put it in his mouth and lit it with the lighter. He took a long drag and exhaled a cloud of smoke.
The familiar taste of the cigarette, along with the nicotine rushing into his system, provided Jason with a strange sense of comfort and calm.
The smoke filled his lungs and he breathed it in deeply, feeling the tension in his shoulders ease slightly.
He closed his eyes and savored the tranquility, relishing in the temporary feeling of peace that the cigarette provided.
Jason puffed on the cigarette, taking deep drags and letting the smoke fill his lungs.
He held the smoke in for a few seconds before exhaling slowly, feeling the tension in his body ease with each exhale. He repeated the process, taking in another deep puff and exhaling slowly.
Jason smoked through half the packet of cigarettes, each puff bringing him a little bit closer to the state of blissful relaxation. He didn't really care that he was smoking too much, the nicotine was helping him to forget his problems and feel better.
The kitchen counter quickly became littered with half-smoked cigarettes and ash. It was clear that Jason was not concerned about leaving a mess.
A makeshift ashtray had been made out of a plate, and it was overflowing with cigarette butts. The kitchen air was thick with smoke and the acrid smell of tobacco.
Jason leaned back against the cabinets as he sat on the floor of the kitchen, taking one final drag on the unfinished cigarette before stubbing it out on the plate. The kitchen was now hazy with cigarette smoke, and the floor was covered with ash and butts.
Jason took a deep breath and let it out slowly, feeling the tension slowly leaving his body as the nicotine took effect.
Jason stood up, a slight stagger in his step from the effects of the cigarettes. He stumbled over to the window and looked out, only to realize that it was night time.
He almost couldn't help laughing as he realized he had smoked a whole packet of cigarettes in one sitting, without even noticing. He knew he had probably done some damage to his lungs, but it didn't seem to diminish the sense of calm he felt.
Jason slowly made his way to the couch, his head spinning slightly from the amount of nicotine he had consumed.
He collapsed onto it, sinking into the cushions and letting out a long sigh. The room was now filled with a thick haze of smoke, and the ashtray on the kitchen counter was overflowing.
Jason was brought out of his daze by a soft knocking at the door. He looked up, blinking a few times to clear his head. The knock came again, a little louder this time.
Jason's eyes widened in surprise as a familiar voice floated through the door. It was a voice he hadn't heard in a very long time, a voice he thought he'd never hear again.
"Jaybird, it's me. Are you in there?"
Jason sat frozen on the couch, unable to believe that this person was standing on the other side of the door.
It was Roy. He was standing on the other side of the door, alive and in the flesh. Jason could hardly believe it, but there he was.
Jason's hand hovered above the door handle, trembling slightly. He wanted to open the door and throw himself at Roy, to hold him tightly and make sure he was really there. But something held him back.
Jason's hand slowly dropped away from the door handle, the realization hitting him hard. This wasn't his Roy, the Roy who was dead. This was a different Roy, from a different universe.
Jason took a step back from the door, a sense of mournful acceptance settling on him. He knew that this Roy wasn't really the one he knew and loved.
Jason's initial sense of mournful acceptance quickly turned to anger. He couldn't help but compare this other him to himself. This version of himself had everything that Jason had ever wanted – a team, a family, a home. It was unfair.
Jason clenched his fists, his shoulders tense as he tried to control the rising tide of anger inside him. Why did this other him get to have everything while he was left with nothing?
All the years of loneliness, all the pain and loss, it all seemed suddenly so unfair. This other Jason had a chance at happiness, and somehow he was the one who ended up with the short end of the stick. It made Jason angrier than he had ever been before.
As the anger swirled within him, it mixed with a deep sense of pain. The pain of being left alone, forgotten and discarded. Of seeing someone else living the life he had always wanted. It was a deep, visceral pain that made his chest ache and his eyes sting.
Roy's voice from outside the door brought Jason back to the present. "Jaybird, I know you're in there," he said softly. "Please let me in."
Jason bit back a sob as he heard Roy's words. He knew that this Roy was not the one he had lost, but hearing his voice was so familiar and comforting, it nearly broke him. He wanted to reach out and open the door, to see his face again, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
Jason leaned against the door, his body shaking with the force of his sobs. He couldn't stop the tears from falling, the pain and anger and loneliness all mixing together in a torrent of emotion that he couldn't control. For years, he had held everything inside, bottling it all up and refusing to let it out.
But now, hearing the familiar voice of Roy on the other side of the door, it was all too much. He couldn't hold it in any longer, and he let it all out.
Jason's cry was unlike him in many ways. It was quiet, a soft, almost inaudible sound that barely came out of his throat. There was no anger or violence, just pain, sadness, and loneliness.
He didn't shout or punch the wall, he didn't swear or throw something across the room. He just slumped against the door, his body shaking with uncontrollable sobs, his eyes tightly shut as tears streamed down his face.
Jason finally managed to speak, his voice hoarse and shaking. "Go away," he said weakly, trying to make his voice sound commanding but failing miserably.
His body was too tired and too broken from the sobbing to make him sound authoritative anymore.
He leaned his head back against the door, his eyes still shut tightly as he tried to catch his breath. He didn't want to see Roy, didn't want to see this other version of himself happy and whole. It was too painful, too unfair.
Roy leaned against the door on the other side, his voice muffled but still clear through the wood. "I'm not leaving, Jaybird," he said firmly. "I'm staying here, even if you don't want to talk to me. I'm not leaving you alone."
Jason let out another sob, his body trembling with the force of it. He knew that Roy would stay, knew that he wouldn't give up until he had talked to him. He couldn't just ignore him, not when he sounded so determined and concerned.
Jason sat against the door for what felt like hours, his body still shaking with the aftermath of his crying fit. He had lost track of time, his mind a jumble of conflicting emotions. He didn't know whether Roy was still there or if he had given up and left.
Finally, after he had managed to compose himself, Jason wiped his eyes and stood up slowly. He took a deep breath before quietly opening the door.
As soon as Jason opened the door, his breath hitched at the sight of Roy. He looked so familiar, yet so different, and it threw Jason off. He instinctively tried to close the door, but Roy quickly blocked it with his foot, stopping him from shutting him out.
"Jaybird, wait," Roy said, his voice firm but gentle. "You can't just shut me out like this. We need to talk."
Jason stood frozen, his body tense as he stared at Roy. He was torn between wanting to slam the door in his face and wanting to pull him inside and hold him tight. It was all so confusing and overwhelming.
Roy stepped forward and slowly wrapped his arms around Jason, pulling him into a tight, comforting hug.
The moment felt surreal. Jason's body was stiff at first, but slowly he relaxed into the embrace, his head resting against Roy's shoulder. He couldn't help but let out a quiet sob as he felt the familiar comfort of Roy's presence.
Roy didn't know the specifics of what had caused Jason's pain, but it didn't matter. He held him tightly, his hand rubbing soothing circles on his back as he whispered soft, comforting words. "It's alright, Jaybird. I'm here now. Everything's going to be okay."
Jason finally let go of his tension and hugged Roy back, clutching at his shirt like a lifeline. When he felt Roy's lips press against his temple, he couldn't help but shudder. It was a simple gesture, but it caused a wave of complex emotions to crash over him.
As Jason stood there, hugged tightly by Roy, he finally realized the implication of their relationship. This Roy and this other him were together, intimately so. It was a fact that hadn't fully registered with Jason until now, and it made him feel even more bitter and angry.
He clenched his fists at his sides, trying to push down the feelings of jealousy and anger that were building inside him. But it was hard, so hard, to see someone else having the happiness that he had always wanted but had never been able to attain.
Despite his inner turmoil, Jason couldn't help but think that he could savor this moment, even just for a bit. Being held by Roy, feeling his warmth and his comfort, was a sensation he hadn't felt in a long time. It made him feel safe, secure, even if it was all an illusion.
Jason lifted his gaze to meet Roy's eyes, and he was struck once again by how familiar and yet how different they were. They were still the same kind, loving eyes he remembered, but there was a worry and a concern in them that he didn't recognize.
It struck him deep in his soul, pulling at something inside him. He found himself suddenly wanting to tell Roy everything, to pour out his pain and his loneliness and his bitterness.
As Jason looked into Roy's eyes, the anger and bitterness that had consumed him slowly ebbed away, replaced by a strange sense of relaxation and calm. It was as if Roy's presence was soothing his turbulent emotions and lulling him into a state of ease.
He continued to hold onto him tightly, his body feeling less tense and more at peace with every passing moment.Roy noticed the change in Jason's demeanor and asked him if he wanted to talk about what was bothering him. Jason shook his head, his voice quiet but firm.
"No. I don't want to talk about it."
Roy nodded understandingly, and didn't press the issue any further. He could see that Jason wasn't ready to open up, and he knew that pushing would only make things worse.
The two of them stood there, holding each other for what felt like an eternity.
There was a comfortable silence between them, no need for words as they both took comfort in each other's presence.
Jason closed his eyes and leaned his head against Roy's shoulder, the weight of his emotions slowly lifting off his shoulders. He felt grounded and steady in Roy's embrace, as if nothing else mattered except for that moment.